Chapter Text
then.
“How does Sassoon’s opinion on the war differ from Rosenberg’s?” Mr Rotwell’s voice echoed around the room. His deep voice cut through the early morning malaise that settled around the classroom during the first period. He glanced around the room, ignoring the one person who had their hand raised, and everybody avoided his gaze until his eyes met the only person stupid enough to meet it. “Lucy?”
A loud ‘hmph!’ disturbed the silence for a minute and Lucy looked over her shoulder to see George Cubbins putting his frantically waving arm down slowly, a mutinous look enveloping his features. Lucy closed her eyes and turned around. Rotwell frequently called on people who didn’t participate in classroom lectures.
Lucy enjoyed English Literature a little too much than could be considered cool. It was this trait that often made her reluctant to put her hand up. She didn’t want to be popular—she just wanted her peers to like her, but, unfortunately, her classmates didn’t take too kindly to anyone who showed any type of initiative. It went against her principles, a bit, to refrain from speaking up, but in secondary school, principles didn’t matter. She would worry about principles when she got into university.
“Sassoon harbours an anti-war spirit, while Rosenberg focuses on the comradery between soldiers and offers a more in-depth moral perspective,” she said, eyes flitting back and forth, her fingers picking at her cuticles. She hated that she was always so nervous whenever she was talking.
Lucy had always been on the back burner since she arrived. She knew she didn't stand a chance when she came to school at eleven years old with shoes that had holes in them and faded clothes that were ill-fit on her body. The whispers and glances she had received had made her cry on the ride home. She’d aced her eleven-plus and she had never felt so liberated—she’d be free from her broken home, away from her mother’s indifference and her father’s drinking habits. They hadn’t been proud of her when she showed them her score. No, her father had made a biting comment about how she ought to have a brain since she didn’t have anything else and her mother had shrugged and said that Lucy needed to do better to provide for her family.
It stung. Lucy had tried her hardest since she was born to not be a burden, but her family didn’t seem to agree. Her sisters didn’t pay her any mind when they lived there and as soon as they graduated they left home, deciding it’d be better to be adrift in a sea of instability than live in a house with her family. They never once looked behind and Lucy hadn’t heard from any of them since she was eleven. She’d ringed Mary to tell her about how she passed her eleven-plus and Mary had promised to tell the others. Sometimes Lucy wondered if Mary even bothered to pass on the message. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t. Lucy didn’t know and she didn’t want to dwell on the thought any longer than necessary.
Passing her eleven-plus should have been a chance for a new start—a way for her to explore her boundaries. But she was still an outsider at a school where everyone knows everyone. She was still a people-pleaser, she was still insecure. Her need to be liked was proving to be a habit that would be extremely difficult to break.
“Good,” Rotwell praised and looked around the room again. Lucy’s mind was on cloud nine at the praise and she felt Holly, her best friend, nudge her. She glanced over and smiled at Holly who gave her a thumbs-up.
She looked around the room and felt the ball of uneasiness unfurl in her stomach. She wished Ellis Chambers didn’t smirk everytime she spoke, like he had an inside joke about her that she wasn’t aware of; she wished Arabella Hill, who was rich enough to buy her hometown three times over, didn’t look like Lucy only existed when she spoke; she wished Issac Andrews would stop staring at her like she’d stepped out of another realm; she wished she couldn’t see Danielle Ward lean forward and make a comment to Issac about her, a look of extreme boredom on her face. Lucy wished she didn’t care so much about what others thought of her, but she knew that it wouldn’t work. It was something that was engraved in her at this point and she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to break it.
There were about 7 months until exam season. Lucy took a deep breath and released it slowly. She ignored the smirk that Ellis and Arabella shared at their table, at who or what, she didn’t want to know. Holly once again sent her a reassuring smile; they’ve been best friends since Lucy first started. Unlike Lucy, though, Holly didn’t feel a need to be liked by others. She could’ve been popular if she wanted to, but she’d rejected that. Holly was too nice to be a member of the in crowd; they relied on intimidation techniques to stay popular, it could also be their wealth that made them so loved.
“-This leads us to our next section of work. I’ve decided to assign a group project-” the classroom filled with groans, “-that discusses Sassoon’s and Rosenberg’s differing opinions on the war and how they affected the public.” He ignored a comment made by Issac and continued on. “This is an important project so I want you to take it seriously. I have no doubt that something about poetry and prose will appear in your final. Keep that in mind. I also decided that you will not get to choose your groupmates.”
Lucy closed her eyes as she heard various groans of annoyance. Rotwell always seemed to be the happiest when his students were miserable. There was a large grin plastered onto his face when she opened her eyes and he began to list the groups. “Group One contains Arabella, Corey, Myra, and Stephen.”
She watched as Arabella’s eyes narrowed at Rotwell and she muttered something under her breath to Ellis. He said something back before standing and moving away.
“Group Two: Belle, Diana, Jake, and Paul.” Lucy frowned at that. All of them were relatively good workers and she’d hoped she’d get at least one of them in her group.
She tuned out until she felt Holly nudge her. “-Lucy, and Lockwood.”
Lucy turned to Holly and frowned. “Who else do I have?”
“Me and George,” Holly said. “Isn’t this amazing?”
Lucy nodded dumbly. She and Holly got up and went to join the two boys. It was the first time she worked with either boy. George was much too fanatical about learning that it often left Lucy with a sense of bewilderment. And Lockwood… He was an enigma to her. He rarely spoke up in class and had an aura of mystery surrounding him. George and Lockwood were close friends and she rarely saw the one without the other. Lockwood’s subsequent befriending of George hadn’t done him any favours—it was the sole reason he wasn’t popular. That and the fact that he had the tendency to disrupt the social hierarchy in their year for fun.
George clicked his ballpoint pen and Lucy dragged her gaze away from Lockwood. Holly had gotten out her notebook and Lucy quickly opened hers to a blank page. Lockwood leaned back in his seat and surveyed the two girls.
Lucy ignored the feeling of his gaze studying her and internally sighed in relief when Holly broke the awkward silence.
“I think that the first poem we should analyse is How to Die.” She quickly scribbled it on her paper.
George made a noise of agreement. “We should also do his Survivors one. I think that’ll give us a bit to work with.”
Holly nodded and wrote it down. “We should all contribute a suggestion.” She looked pointedly at Lucy and Lockwood.
Lucy gave them a nervous smile. “Since we have two Sassoon poems, what about Break of Day in the Trenches? It shows life on the frontlines and that could’ve garnered sympathy from the public.”
“That’s actually a good one,” George said.
She wondered if he actually liked her. He always had the tendency to be honest and most of the time he spent it glaring at people he deemed unintelligent or made witty retorts to comments from others.
“Then the last one we should do Marching.” He looked at Lucy and grinned. She instinctively smiled back. “What do you think, Lucy?”
It was the first time she’d heard him speak. They only shared English Lit together; he chose to go the humanities route and she chose to go the science path. Most people rarely chose to speak in Rotwell’s class.
“I like it.”
“Make sure you spend the rest of the class time taking notes and analyse everything,” Rotwell called out gruffly. “This task should be taken seriously if you want to do well on your exam.”
Lucy watched Lockwood. She’d never been close enough to him before, she realised. There were flecks of gold in his eyes and he had a faded scar on his hairline. He caught her looking and gave her another radiant smile, but this time Lucy felt self-aware—was he smiling with her or at her? She looked away quickly, a lump forming in her throat.
They flipped through their textbooks to choose quotes or stanzas that worked to serve their purpose. Lucy felt guilt pour over her as they worked and she wondered why. Then she knew—it was because of Lockwood. She’d spent the past few years assuming that he did the bare minimum in terms of academics, skating just above the ground. But he was intelligent and humorous and she felt bad for assuming him to be some underachieving jock.
Back and forth the four made suggestions or argued—it was mainly Holly and George arguing—and by the end of it, Lucy realised she liked Lockwood. He held her gaze often and praised her and asked for her opinions. She felt like she was being seen and that made her feel lighter.
After the first project session, Lucy sensed that he might fancy her as well.
Rotwell had said that it was a project that was mainly to be done in class. But Lucy and Lockwood found excuses to meet outside of school hours to work on it. She didn’t tell Holly and they never spoke about it.
They often went to a park and studied under the sun. They rarely got anything done though; their conversations ranged from talking about school to arguing about the best types of donuts. She always felt happier after spending the day with him. Finally they stopped using the project to see each other. They both just showed up at the park and it went from there.
It was the fifth Sunday, sitting in the park, a beam of sunlight seemingly pointed at them, when Lockwood leaned over and whispered in her ear. His breath ghosted across her skin and Lucy suppressed a shiver. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she laughed softly at what he said. It was just a stupid comment, but Lucy laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. He leaned back a genuine smile on his face and Lucy stopped laughing when their eyes locked.
They sat there, staring at each other, the world around them continuing on, but they were in a bubble. It felt like an eternity before Lockwood moved closer and closed the distance between the two. His lips were soft and warm and Lucy felt electricity shooting through her body.
She only kissed one boy before—her best friend from home, Paul. He had blonde hair and icy blue eyes and he was always so nice to her, but it hadn’t meant much. It was an innocent game of spin the bottle and Lucy hadn’t held any resentment toward him.
While the kiss with Paul hadn’t been awful, it had certainly been underwhelming. But Lockwood kissed like he had experience with it. She didn’t want to ask if he had a bevy of girlfriends before transferring to their school; it seemed clingy and needy and Lucy didn’t want him to stop liking her. Not when she was already so in love with him. Though, now that she thinks about it, she realises she loved him the moment she first saw him.
She hadn’t had the highest of opinions of him, but he always stood out to her. He always held her gaze and listened attentively when she spoke in class.
This thing before them kept her going forward. It seemed that while one aspect of her life was on a high, others were on the low. It was getting more difficult for Lucy to hide her bruises induced by her father’s drunken rage or the burns from the butts of her mother’s cigarettes. But it didn’t matter because she had Lockwood.
He murmured sweet nothings to her as they cuddled under a tree: “You are so beautiful.” He was lovely and Lucy didn’t want to burden him with her troubles.
Their relationship was kept hidden—Lucy didn’t mind and he didn’t either. She didn’t want the opinions of others to ruin something that was hers . She didn’t want Lockwood to listen to what others had to say about her or them. She didn’t want the people who thought speaking up in class was a fatal flaw to know about it. Her time with Lockwood meant everything to her.
She could’ve told Holly. And when she thinks back on it, she should’ve. But she didn’t because she wanted to keep it to herself, she wanted one thing that only she had knowledge of.
The project was finished, but their park dates didn’t stop. They wandered around nearby towns, holding hands, so they weren’t found out. She thought about him everyday; he was always on her mind, appearing in her dreams. It was remarkable about how he could make a home for himself in her heart so easily and quickly.
The end of the year sixth-form party was fast approaching—a way to let everybody release steam before finals, before the summer came and pulled them all apart from one another, sending them all scattering around the country. Lucy didn’t really care about parties, but Lockwood loved them. She didn’t want to go, but for Lockwood she would do just about anything.
Her parents hadn’t cared when she told them about it. She was fine with it. Holly had helped her get ready. Her dress was an icy blue colour and it looked gorgeous on her. Holly said that it made her stand out and that she looked lovely. Lucy had blushed and then Holly left to go to her house and get herself ready.
The party was being held in the city at a hotel. The staff didn’t seem to care much about the decorations and Lucy assumed it was because the event organisers didn’t care. She scanned her surroundings, searching for Holly or Lockwood or even George. She spotted George leaning against the wall looking distinctly unimpressed in a wrinkled suit.
Just as she was about to go over and ask where Lockwood was, a voice stopped her in her tracks.
“Lucy.” She knew that voice. It was Ellis Chambers, self proclaimed leader of the popular clique.
“Ellis, hi.” She smiled nervously, acutely aware of his gaze raking over her. She wondered if she had made the right choice for the dress. At the time she thought it was classy and seductive, something to tease Lockwood with, but now she wasn’t so sure.
“You look good.” His cold grey eyes met hers. A corner of his mouth quirked up.
“Thanks.” Lucy surveyed the group. “You all look nice as well.”
Danielle smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Though, it never did, Lucy thought. “I hear you’re going to Oxford.”
“Yeah. I’m really excited.”
“Yeah, Ellis is going there too. So am I.”
“Oh really?”
Danielle smiled, her teeth bright. “My parents wanted me to go.”
“Alright.”
Maybe the new beginning she was hoping to have in university wasn’t going to happen. She’d have to keep pleasing her peers, an endless cycle that would persist until she finally graduated. She swallowed, it was going to be a long road in the foreseeable future. She’d have to keep the facade that she hid behind in secondary school. The air in the room was sweltering and she accepted a glass of something from Arabella. It soothed her dry throat, but left her tongue with a bitter aftertaste. She downed the rest of the drink and glanced around again.
She saw Lockwood—he was watching them, a blank, unreadable expression on his face. She was about to call out, about to leave when Ellis reached forward and grasped her hand.
***
“I want to show you something.”
“Really?” Lucy asked, her thoughts of Lockwood temporarily halted. “Me?”
He laughed, but it wasn’t funny. She had a weird feeling in her stomach. “Yes, you.”
Lucy gazed around and took in the mixture of looks from the group—annoyance, excitement, disbelief. Arabella gave her a particularly nasty look that seemed to scream so you think you could be one of us?
Lucy wanted to shake her head, no she didn’t really think that. Then Ellis was taking her hand and looking at her expectantly. Surely, she could handle three minutes alone with him. It’s not like he was a bad guy.
She was still hesitating, something in her head screamed that it wasn’t right. But a comment from Danielle to Issac— “stupid bitch” — pushed her forward.
“Okay.” And Lucy let him lead her away from the group, away from the party, away from Lockwood. They were heading in the direction of the loo.
As she glanced over her shoulder hoping she’d see Lockwood, she watched as Lockwood stared at her. The expression on her face had her pausing. Her eyes met his, an attempt to tell him that it wasn’t what he was thinking. She was just gonna be a minute. Lockwood turned and disappeared into the crow, vanishing out of her sight and Ellis tugged her hand and she continued on, unknowingly about to have an experience that would change her life for the worse.
***
She never saw him again, except for a quick look across the exam hall. Anthony Lockwood disappeared from her life completely.