Work Text:
'Would you bathe with me ?'
Laurence's fingers froze on his neckcloth and he looked up at Temeraire.
'Am I not ?' Laurence asked, feeling the slime on his face drip as he smiled. 'One would think landing face first in a marsh pretty much already counted as a bath.'
'The French would have seen us !' Temeraire cried indignantly, raising his head from under the great wing joint he had been attempting to clean by himself. He was still exhausted from their long messy flight and from trying to escape Napoleon's scouts, and his physical coordination was slightly off. As he craned his head to look at Laurence too fast, he accidentally whacked himself on the nose with the tip of his wing and let out a bellowing sneeze. Laurence did not even try to dodge the mini tidal wave it created, laughing aloud as Temeraire fumed. 'We had never flew this far in Russia before, and I did not mean to get lost after that last turn !'
'I know, my dear. I apologize. Pray let me help you.'
Laurence got his neckcloth off at last, and waded through the slightly cleaner waters they had found while trying to regain the Russian outpost. The vast marsh area they had landed in seemed to be nothing but an endless juxtaposition of lakes, and this one definitely felt less foul than the first one. The water was cold in those early days of autumn but not unbearably so, and Laurence did not care when he felt himself going in deeper and deeper. He was filthy after all : a bath as well as emergency laundry had been in order anyway.
But Temeraire came first.
By the time he reached his dragon, Laurence had water up to his chest, and his arms were dripping when he raised them wide open above the surface. Temeraire was still looking vexed, but Laurence waited him out with a soft, warm smile, and soon the great nose came to lodge itself in Laurence's embrace.
'Would you bathe with me, my dear ?' Laurence whispered, forehead pressed against the muddied black scales. 'And allow me to wash you ?'
'I am way too big for you to do that alone, now' Temeraire said regretfully. But then he spoke again, this time with almost naive hope : 'But you can still try ? My wing joints are itching so badly, I would like it very much if you should give them a wipe, and perhaps a good long scratch ?'
Laurence laughed again, and for all that it was genuine, it was also a reflexive way for him to close his eyes at the sudden, vivid and painful memory : him and Temeraire in the training-covert at Loch Laggan, Laurence perched on his much, much smaller dragon's back, halfway to scrubbing him clean, when Levitas had approached them and said with the exact same kind of hopefulness that he would like to be taken care of too.
The little Winchester had been so obviously miserable then, so painfully starved for attention and kindness, it had wrung Laurence's heart in a way only the most brutal and unsavory realities of the service ever had before. He had not fully understood what it meant back then (what it would mean), but it had been the first time he had consciously decided to break the rules for an unknown dragon's sake.
Laurence sighed, keeping his face hidden. That day at the lake, it had also been the first time he had seen Temeraire display open jealousy and possessiveness.
The first time he had heard him say 'You are mine', and then admit in the same breath he was afraid his captain would rather be paired with a less bothersome dragon.
'I would not give up an inch of your hide were you twice Laetificat’s size.' Laurence said, his thirty-eight years old’s present self’s voice sounding exactly like his younger one’s in his own ears. He was shaking, a little, the way he always was these days when a memory came back to him, after those wretched months of amnesia.
At this, Laurence felt Temeraire tense up under his hands, so he shook himself out of his trance, grabbed his untied neckcloth and started wiping the undignified mess of marsh slime and snot covering his dragon’s nose. Temeraire was still a bit sniffly after that monstrous sneeze, but Laurence was careful and cleaned the great nostrils as gently as possible.
'Would you rather I held you above the water, so you would not be cold ?' Temeraire asked, sounding both dubious and worried, while turning his head so he could present his cheek for Laurence to clean as well.
'I am perfectly alright, my dear. I was merely reminded of our training days.'
He was expecting Temeraire to press him for details, as he so often did when Laurence was being too vague about how he felt and he suspected something was wrong ; but this time Temeraire kept silent, and Laurence did not know if he was grateful or ashamed. He knew how miserable Temeraire had been when Laurence could not remember him. They had talked about it at length every night since they had left China, in place of their usual reading sessions, both their hearts so full they could not have prevented them to spill even if they had tried, but Laurence knew the wound was far from healed.
If he was being honest with himself, privately, he even wondered if it was not getting worse.
Realizing how close he had gotten to losing Temeraire without even knowing that he did had filled him with enough ugly terror for several lifetimes. Seeing the hurt in Temeraire’s eyes getting worse every time Laurence tried to explain what might have happened, what he felt was his own responsibility in the matter, was a whole new brand of torture.
‘I fear there is something of cowardice in it.’
He had told about what he thought was the true cause of his amnesia without a moment of hesitation to Tharkay and Granby, his two closest human friends. He did, and Lord, it had felt right. Because for all they had snorted it off and told him he was being irrational, Laurence knew the two men had understood. He knew that even if they disagreed, they had welcomed the confession as the bill of trust it was, something Laurence had needed out of his chest if he ever wanted to consider himself worthy of their continued esteem and affection. They had accepted it. Confiding in them had been freeing, for it had strengthened their bond instead of weakening it.
Then why, Christ alive, did it not feel the same with Temeraire, the one being that was closer to him than anybody he ever knew, and whose opinion Laurence valued the most on this Earth ?
The only explanation was that Laurence knew, deep down, that unlike Tenzing and John, Temeraire could not forgive him for having forgotten him -for having wanted to forget him, even unconsciously, even barely for a second.
Laurence knew it, he knew it, and yet he had told Temeraire the truth, the only acceptable atonement he could think of, even if he also knew it would never be enough. He could only try and make Temeraire understand it had been none of his responsibility, that nothing the dragon had done over the course of their eight years of acquaintance had lowered him in Laurence’s eyes to the point Laurence had wanted away -quite the opposite, in fact. It was Laurence himself who had failed to be what Temeraire needed : a friend who would make the right choices along with him without regretting them, a friend whose soul would match his own in strength and certainty and courage.
A friend who would be capable of shouldering the sacrifice he made willingly without rendering it meaningless by becoming a spineless desperate ghost with a death wish afterwards.
He had told Temeraire so, again and again, and every day his dragon seemed to drift all the further away for it, out of reach in a way no shared bath nor hopeful request for a good long scrub would ever fix.
‘Here, let me.’ Laurence said, horrified at how strangled his own voice sounded all of the sudden, as he hauled himself out of the water to climb on Temeraire, so he could crouch down on his back and start washing the glossy black hide a little more hurriedly that was natural, safely turned away.
And if his face was dripping wet, well, he could always tell himself it was from the lake.
‘You are going to catch a cold.’
Laurence startled, tripping a little on the wet scales, as Temeraire’s voice rumbled from much closer behind him than expected. Before Laurence could muster a reply, he felt the tip of the great nose touch his back, making him shudder involuntarily as it pressed the soaked fabric of his uniform against his already cold skin.
‘I am perfectly well, my dear.’ Laurence said, without lifting his head nor stopping to thoroughly clean Temeraire’s scales with his once pristine neckcloth, now reduced to little but a raggedy piece of trash.
‘I hate it when you lie to me.’
This time Laurence could not help but turn his head around, even though it wasn’t much use, for Temeraire kept his nose pressed against his back, pinning him there on all four and not leaving him with any purchase to look back further high than the thin tendrils round his dragon’s jaws.
‘Temeraire…’
‘You think I do not know when you are upset ?’ Temeraire growled, voice low with anger, and yet at the same time he exhaled a soft, gentle breath all over Laurence to warm him up. ‘You think I do not know you well enough anymore to see when you are hurt, and it is all because of me ?’
‘No ! No, my dear !’ Laurence said, trying his best to wriggle himself out from under the pressure of Temeraire’ muzzle. ‘You know it is not because of y-...’
But Temeraire would not have any of it, and he pushed Laurence down with his nose forcefully enough that his captain could not hold himself up anymore and was spread out flat on his stomach, like a butterfly on display.
Laurence was trembling all over, and both of them knew perfectly well it was not because he was afraid of Temeraire. He could never be, even like this, barely an inch away from the dragon’s deadly mouth and teeth, held down like a prey about to be devoured.
He could, however, be afraid of so many other things, and this too they both knew well.
‘What did you remember that pained you so much ?’ Temeraire whispered, no longer angry but sad and sorrowful, which made a shocking contrast with both the force he was still holding Laurence down with, and the painful gentleness with which he kept breathing warmth on him, ruffling his hair from behind, in a way that would have been comical if they had both not felt like they were about to shatter. ‘Please tell me, dear Laurence. I would give everything for you to feel like you can share whatever weighs on you with me again, like you used to.’
Laurence choked down a laugh, part of him helplessly amused by his twenty-tons dragon asking him to share whatever it was that weighed him down, even while shamelessly using his unfair advantage in incommensurable heaviness to keep him in the conversation.
The open heartbreak in Temeraire’s voice though, felt like a gutting blow.
‘I feel like I failed you in a way I can never make amends for, no matter how hard I try’ Laurence rasped after a moment of silence, throat still burning like fire. ‘I feel like it is you who does not know how to tell me whatever weighs on you anymore, because I broke your trust and proved myself incapable of being relied upon when necessary.’
He did not need to face him to know how badly Temeraire flinched at this. He felt it well enough.
'Laurence-'
'You have always been nothing but brave, loyal and unwaveringly faithful' Laurence interrupted, unable to bear the pain in Temeraire's voice. 'You are also the most generous soul I ever had the privilege to meet and call my friend. If anything, I owed it to you to respond in kind, to honor you back and stand tall by you no matter what. And I failed. I told you, I failed you, and I do not know how to even begin to-'
'Laurence,' Temeraire roared before he could finish. 'Will you ever stop with that wretched nonsense ?'
Laurence could not tell if he was still shuddering himself or if it was the angry dragon in his back shaking him like a boat in the storm. He tried to turn around, to push himself back on his elbows, but when Temeraire gave way up against his shoulders, it was only so he could open his mouth, teeth bared like in close combat, and clamp his monstrous jaws around Laurence, making him gasp. The only times Laurence had seen Temeraire do this had been with rebellious hatchlings who were too small to fly by themselves, or who wouldn't have obeyed otherwise.
'Temeraire !' Laurence wanted to call as his dragon hauled him in the air, but the sound of his own voice against the roof of Temeraire’s mouth was weak, even to his own ears.
His friend was upset. Resentful even. And yet Laurence would still have been incapable to find a single ounce of fear within himself, even if he had tried to. His face, arms, legs, were carefully immobilized by the razor-sharp teeth, and Temeraire's tongue was pressing into him from behind, preventing him from being tossed about and accidentally hurt by this lethal way of transportation. Laurence kept himself as limp as possible, unwilling to choke him or interfere with whatever it was Temeraire wanted him for right now. It barely lasted a moment anyway, only long enough for Temeraire to lift him away from his own back, and carefully deposit him between his talons, cupping him like a pearl in a shell.
'My dear…' Laurence started after getting back upright ; but Temeraire was the one to interrupt, this time, by pressing the tip of his nose right into his lips, silencing him.
'You are freezing up.' Temeraire growled, breathing hot vapor all over Laurence again. 'We are not talking anymore until you take off your clothes.'
Laurence tried to protest, feeling an odd kind of shyness at the idea of stripping down in the middle of such an intense, intimate conversation. He and Temeraire had bathed together countless times before, just the two of them as well as with the rest of their crew ; to be in Adam's clothing in front of his dragon was not the problem.
Or maybe it was, for it was also the first time Temeraire made it an order.
They looked each other in the eyes for a long stretch of seconds, before Laurence sighed a little against Temeraire's nose and reached for his drenched uniform's buttons. With the mood Temeraire was in, Laurence was not sure he wouldn't simply tear apart his vest and breeches, and Laurence needed those to go back to the camp.
Still, it felt odd. And yet, as he undressed himself slowly, heat creeping up his neck and face in a way that was frankly ridiculous, Laurence’s eyes never left Temeraire’s. It would not even have crossed his mind to do so.
Temeraire waited until he was done, before putting the wet clothes away safely on the shore, and resuming warming up Laurence with his breath. And just like Laurence did not look away as he bared himself, Temeraire kept his nose steadfastly in place against him as a mean to ensure Laurence would hear him out until the end.
'You lost everything' His dragon resumed at last, still downright seething. 'Every time you had to make a choice between me and your entire life, you chose me, and you lost everything for it. First on the Reliant when you found my egg, then when we took the cure to France, then when I reminded you of the treason after you had forgotten-... No, Laurence, you shall listen to me for once ! I tried to tell you but you never let me when we are talking about these things. I thought you knew... I thought you agreed dragons were just like men and that we are perfectly able to make our own choices, and yet you keep doing this, you-... You never agree it is my fault too, and that it is me who failed you.'
The talons closed further around him, and Laurence did not even try to move his mouth, his face, his entire naked body away from where it was pressed against Temeraire's scales. He could have, but once again, it did not even occur to him.
Not when Temeraire was so thoroughly breaking his heart with each sentence.
'The only thing I ever had to lose was you' His dragon said again, no longer angry but sad and broken. He was rubbing his nose softly into Laurence's mouth, mindlessly tender, as if trying to respond to Laurence's overpowering need to remain as close to him as possible. As if kissing him back. 'And I risked you so many times without thinking, because you are mine and it took me so long to realize what it costed you to agree to be so. To give yourself to me every time, even if it wounded you beyond repair. Laurence-...Oh, Laurence, I am so very sorry.'
'You know I meant it when I told you I would never go back, even if I had known the consequences ahead' Laurence whispered, reaching from between Temeraire's claws as best as he could to touch him with both hands, barely lifting his mouth away as he did. 'You know it, right ? Even when I could not remember, even when I had forgotten why I did it all, I told you. I would still choose you, over and over, no matter what.' Something was raging in his chest as he talked, pounding so hard inside of him he felt dizzy, breathless. But he had to say it. He had to. 'I would not know how to do otherwise, because every time my world crashed, the only certainty I never lost is that I love you.'
He felt himself being moved away from Temeraire's head, but only to be brought close to his breast and cradled against it. Its beating was thunderous, just like his own. Deafening.
Laurence kept speaking nevertheless. He could not stop, now that he had started.
'I gave you my heart the moment you showed me yours. The first time we flew together, during that gale, when you saved that man. I knew you then. Seeing you, understanding you, it was enough. I was yours. And it happened twice.' Laurence spoke with his eyes closed, pressing his cheek against the massive heart he knew to contain so much wonders, and where he, Laurence, had been somehow miraculously welcomed home, too, what felt like several lifetimes ago. 'I had a dragon-shaped hole inside of me, after that shipwreck, and you wormed your way straight back into it even before I could remember our years together. I just fall for you, every time. I can't help it, Temeraire. Lung Tien Xiang. Do not ever apologize for me wanting to belong with you, because it is on me. It will always be.’
Temeraire was silent for a long moment, but he did not need to speak. From the way he was clutching Laurence to his chest, nuzzling him, surrounding him without leaving him the slightest chance for escape, Laurence knew he had made himself understood, finally.
'Even if I hurt you ?' Temeraire said softly after a moment, cheek pressed against his back, nosing at old and fresh scars altogether.
'I hurt you too.' Laurence said, lifting his head. 'This you can not deny, Temeraire. If you want to take responsibility for having rocked my life upside down and taken me for granted, then you must acknowledge that I am responsible for my own choices and for falling apart over them when you needed me.'
'...But I will always need you. Does it mean that you should never be allowed to fall apart ? That does not sound very fair.'
To this, Laurence did not know what to say. Temeraire nosed at him for a bit longer, hot breath swirling over his damp but now perfectly warm skin, and Laurence noted with a dim, distant sort of surprise that any lingering feeling of embarrassment had disappeared. Things were still dire out there for both of them, as they were for all of Europe and Russia and China and the whole world, but this at least -being honest with Temeraire, confiding his every thoughts and feelings not as if they were sins to be punished over, but simply who he was and wanted to share with him- this felt right again.
‘I suppose that if it ever happens again’ Laurence murmured at last, burying himself further into the midst of Temeaire’s body, ‘I shall not be so stupid as to ditch my heart and memories in the ocean along with myself, and that I shall reach out to you before I drown. If you would hold me above water again, that is.’
‘Laurence,’ Temeraire rumbled, managing to sound exasperated and profoundly, magnificently happy at the same time. ‘My dearest, my most treasured Laurence. I would not know how to do otherwise either, because I love you too.’