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i was scared.
i’ve been looked down upon so many times, just because i’m not the person i used to be.
yes, i was a girl before, but does it matter now? i don’t need to be constantly reminded of who i once was.
i was uncomfortable in that body, so that’s why i changed. i chose to change. what about it?
i’m… happy, with the way that i am. i like the way my body is now. no one can change that, but… their words circle around in my head, and at night, i can’t sleep because i’m constantly thinking about what they’ve said. it’s like, every hurtful remark… leaves a scar on me.
the only person who has accepted me for who i am so far, is my mum. she’s the one who gave me the courage to come out to more people in the first place. sure, she made a few slip ups at first… but… but she’s supportive. she said she’ll love me, no matter who i really am. and i wouldn’t have it any other way. i really couldn’t ask for a better mum than her.
my dad on the other hand…
…god, not him. i already hated him, for the way he treated my mum, for the way he treated me. so, was it really a surprise? when i told him that i wasn’t his little girl anymore?
…
i ended up with a black eye that day.
that’s what caused my mum to snap, to get him to leave.
that’s what scared me. it made coming out to my peers at school a nightmare. and it’s not like most of them were supportive either. they would hurt me too, just because i was trans. how petty are they?
all of this… i would pretend it didn’t affect me, but when i managed to be alone, i’d let the tears fall. why couldn’t they accept me for who i was? did it really matter that much that i was trans? couldn’t people just leave me alone, call me ash, and deal with it?
this was the thing that kept me from telling her. dawn, i mean. i’d been judged and hurt by so many people when i came out to them… who’s to say that she won’t judge me for it?
i wanted to tell her. she was my girlfriend - someone really close to me. she had to know about this, doesn’t she? and everything that came with telling people i was trans? how i was physically and mentally hurt by it?
what if she leaves me?
what if she doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, just like my dad?
what if she makes fun of me for the way i am? dawn would never do that, right?
what if-
“ash?”
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“…yes?”
we were cuddled up on the sofa, watching a film. yes, i was thinking about all of this whilst we were watching it. i couldn’t switch my mind to anything else, to pay attention to it.
i must have tensed up or something, with her in my arms, because she looked at me, concerned.
“what’s wrong, hmm?”
“…nothing, i’m alright.”
then she pressed pause.
“no, ash, something is wrong, isn’t there? you’ve been like this for a few days now, is something bothering you? do you want to talk?”
well, shit.
i mean, this was my chance. i was scared, but i had to take it…
“…can i talk to you, please?”
we sat up, and she looked so worried. she sat close to me, holding my hand. my heart was pounding, i could hear it.
“dawn, i-“ i closed my eyes, “i have something i need to tell you. i don’t know if you’ll break up with me over it or not but, you’re better off knowing.”
her grip on my hand tightened. i was noticeably shaking. never had i thought that something like coming out would be like this… so… scary.
it’s sad that it had to be that way.
i tried hard not to panic, trying to form a sentence, trying to get this over with as quickly as possible. but i couldn’t.
“i…”
she looked at me, so worried, maybe even scared of what i was going to say. who knows, she might have thought i was cheating on her. who knows what was going through her mind then…
“i…!”
my grip on her hand was much tighter now. why didn’t i just tell her at the start? my heart was pounding so hard, and i felt tears in my eyes, which were squeezed shut, and memories of everything that happened when i told them flooded my mind.
“i’m…”
deep breath.
“i’m trans, ok? i was born a girl and i changed because i didn’t feel comfortable!” i managed to get out, before taking in a shuddering breath.
she gasped.
oh fuck.
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i took that as a bad sign and i panicked. i yanked my hand away from hers and looked at her. before she could say anything,
“there, i said it. i’m sorry, ok? feel free to break up with me-“
“ash, i-“
“you’re better off without me anyway!”
with that i ran upstairs in a hurry, and slammed the door shut in our room, with my back against the wall. i was on the verge of hyperventilating, and i really didn’t know what to do. tears were flowing down and i couldn’t stop them. i was panicking based on her reaction. but why? of course she would be shocked, i had just told her that i’m trans!
i had been scared for the longest time. ever since we’d starting dating, i always had this nagging feeling, because she didn’t know. there was always this sense of discomfort that i felt. i felt… guilty for not telling her. i hated myself for it. we’ve known each other for so long…
god, why couldn’t i have just been born a boy? that way i wouldn’t have to worry about any of this…
i failed her. i failed everyone. that’s what my dad told me. he said i was a failure.
sobs tore their way out. my arms were wrapped around my legs, my head buried in between.
she’d probably hate me forever now. at the very least, she’d judge me. she’d… leave me… i’d lose the girl i love…
i heard a knock on the door and froze. i mustn’t have heard the sound of footsteps. she let herself in and looked down to see me - curled up in a ball, shaking, tears falling down my face. i’d never felt this pathetic in front of anybody.
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“…ash…”
i didn’t respond. i still didn’t trust that she would accept me.
“i don’t know if this is the best way to start things off… but i’m not mad or upset, you know,” i didn’t say anything. she must have took that as a sign to continue, “i was just surprised. it doesn’t make me want to break up with you, or anything like that. i still love you.”
that made me stop and think. what? she still loved me? there was only one person who still loved me despite all of this. my mum.
she still loved me…
“really?”
“yeah… there’s nothing that could stop me from loving you. you know that right? and… you’re still a man to me.”
finally, i unwrapped myself, and looked at her. she was smiling at me. that’s… what i needed to hear. no one had supported me like that before…
“dawn…”
she hugged me. she wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. i couldn’t move, because i was still thinking about what she’d said. i was so taken aback by what i’d heard.
eventually, i hugged her back, giving her the tightest hug i ever could. i buried my head in her shoulder, beginning to cry. warm tears rolled down, as i sobbed. but… i wasn’t crying because i was sad, i was crying because i was… relieved. so, so relieved.
that’s how i realised how much she still really loved me. she still loved me when i was at my lowest. she still loved me even when i was being difficult. she still loved me even if i felt that i was born in the wrong body.
i’m so lucky to have her.
we continued hugging as i cried. i needed to say something, but it was hard to get the words out through my sobs.
“…it’s just, no one’s really accepted me for being trans, except from my mum… when i told my dad…” i paused, “he hurt me. he told me i was a failure and stuff like that, and i took it to heart. when i said i was trans at school… it wasn’t any better than when i was at home… god, what was i thinking…”
she didn’t say anything, i noticed. she just listened.
“i got scared. i got scared of more people finding out, and being hurt for it. t-that’s why i never told you. i was so scared that you’d leave, that you’d hurt me again-!”
that caused me to cry more. i was about to say something else, but she spoke first. she cupped my cheek so i was looking at her.
“ash, listen, okay? don’t ever think that i would hurt you, especially for something like that. i love you. i love you for who you are now. i don’t care about the past. i don’t mind that you’re trans. that would never make me want to break up with you. and i’m sorry, that people made you feel scared to come out. you didn’t deserve that at all. no one should have to feel like that.”
i was beginning to calm down, just listening to her as she held me.
“you’re a man. you’re a man in my eyes, ash, and nothing is going to change that. and don’t apologise for being you.”
that made me smile. i was sort of still crying, so overwhelmed by all her love and support. there were so many reasons to love her, but now there was another - she accepted me for who i was, she reassured me that no one should have to feel the way i did.
i did cry a little more after that, but it was ok because she was still there, and she always would be.
all this time, i was so scared. scared of what others would think of me if i told them that i was trans. i realise there are plenty of others in that situation. but i also realise that there are people who will still love me despite everything. and, honestly, i really wouldn’t have that any other way.
and now, maybe - just maybe - i could have a peaceful night’s sleep tonight.
♡