Chapter Text
They talked daily, he and Dean. They talked about school and friends and Dean’s girlfriends and the trip they were going to take when Dean came out for the summer.
Dean’s girlfriends.
There used to be a lot of them, when Cas was just a kid. He was four the first time he met one of them—black hair, blue eyes, tall and slim, smart and serious. Dean never brought her back, but from then on it was blonde hair and big brown eyes and dumber than a monkey in a box of animal crackers.
Despite the streak, Erin wasn’t anywhere near the bimbo Cas expected her to be. Pre-med, top of her class, “and smokin’ hot, Cas.”College seemed to have mellowed Dean out some because he partied less and studied more. He either stopped sleeping with random women or he stopped telling Cas about them. Cas was loath to admit the latter, but the majority of his mind seemed to almost dismiss that idea entirely. Dean seemed like a different person since he’d been away.
“Well, kid,” Dean said into the phone, voice just the slightest bit more jubilant than it had been moments ago. “I fly in tomorrow. What do you say I hang around for a day or so, and then we take our trip?”
“It sounds like a plan,” Cas said, trying out the expression he’d heard Sam use just the other day when he’d called. The words fell uneasily from his tongue, and he decided not to use them again if he could help it.
“You can bring Sarah too if you want…”
Cas groaned. There was only so much teasing he could take before it got to him. “Sarah is what you might call ‘pushy.’ I doubt that I could get her to keep off of me long enough to get her in the car, let alone bring her with us to the Grand Canyon.”
He could hear Dean’s chuckle on the other line. “Sounds like a winner, kid. Get out there and live a little. Girls love a guy with brains. Haven’t you heard? ‘Nerd’ is in right now.”
“Believe me. I’m well aware of this fact. Not a single female in my class has refrained from approaching me with an invitation to some social event or another, most with poorly disguised attempts at flirtation.”
“Sounds a little stuck up, Cas. Why don’t you give the ladies a break?”
Cas replied angrily, “I have already informed them that I am not interested in the female anatomy, Dean, yet they continue to approach me. It’s not my fault that they’re unable to comprehend.”
The silence rang long enough that Cas was sure he had finally angered Dean enough that the man had hung up.
“’Not interested in the female anatomy?’”
Cas’ eyes went wide when he realized what he’d just done. “I –I mean… uh. I… I…”
“Hey, settle down, Cas. It’s okay.” Dean chuckled nervously, and Castiel could only hold onto the lifeline Dean had given him by not hanging up. “You don’t like girls. That’s fine. Do you… do you like, you know, guys?”
“I…”
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I mean, you don’t have to know yet if you’re still figuring stuff out.”
Cas wasn’t figuring stuff out. He’d known exactly what he wanted since he’d discovered his penis. He wasn’t confused in the least about what he wanted. Telling Dean, though…
“I am saving myself for the right person, though I don’t think it matters whether my partner is a male or female,” Cas began. It was the truth, but not entirely. “I want to be with someone for them, not their body. Just as I am not my own body. Despite my anatomy, I consider myself genderless.”
Cas waited, lip caught between his teeth, the static of the receiver getting louder with every passing second.
“So… do you… have a problem with certain pronouns? I know someone who’s gender neutral, so it wouldn’t really be a problem if, you know, you wanted me to do something like that. It’ll probably take a little bit to get used to it because I’m just not—“
“Dean,” Cas cut him off, smiling a little. “Don’t change my pronouns.”
Dean’s chuckle was contagious. “Okay, little brother. So… who’s the lucky guy you have your eye on?”
“What?”
“Don’t fool me. No one ‘saves themselves’ unless they have their eyes on someone in particular. Either that or they’re religious or something. And you and I know that’s not the case here. It’s not a girl or else you wouldn’t have accidentally come out to me. So who’s the lucky guy?”
His eyes went wide and his chest felt tight, like there suddenly wasn’t enough air in the room for him to survive. Cas sat on the edge of his bed. His head swam with thoughts of coming clean to Dean, telling him everything, but all that did was make his heart pound harder.
“Cas?”
“I have to go, Dean,” Cas choked out. His voice sounded far away. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Cas, wait—“
Cas hung up his phone and tossed it aside.
He automatically looked over at the drawer that held his supplies, everything he’d need for when Dean came home.
Dean wanted to know, and he wanted Cas to tell him.
Castiel sighed.
They always said actions spoke louder than words. It was about time to see if the phrase held true.