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Jihye could feel the early August breeze brush the strands of her hair away from her face, the late afternoon sun beating down on her from the open-top of her car. The wind whipped and lashed at her, creating a coolness that felt amazing in contrast to the heat of the passing day. Summer was slowly coming to an end, it seemed.
She passed several landmark businesses as she sped down Main Street, taking a sharp right as she came up on the turn her GPS was screaming at her to take. She had half a mind to shut it off completely- she found the voice to be insanely aggravating when she was trying to maintain her focus on the striped road in front of her.
Rows on rows of houses blurred together as she continued her way down the subdivision, making a left at a specific corner and parked her little gray convertible in front of a house.
It was a quaint ranch-style home with dark gray siding, white support beams and some unique white mixed-colored brick at the front of the house. It was very fitting for the Kim’s- they did carry quite a presence with them, so it made sense for them to have a home on the flashier side.
She could see the objective of her trip sitting on the tiny porch swing with the rest of her family. She could see Minji look up from the mug in her hand and make eye contact with Jihye, seemingly surprised at the younger girl’s random visit. Jihye watched as the older girl excused herself to her family, setting down the drink that she had in her hands on the little side table next to her.
She waited patiently in her car seat, remaining calm on the outside despite the erratic beating of her heart. It had been a few days since she had seen the other girl and figured that she’d pay her visit at home, expecting her parents to be away at work like usual. It was a little surprising to see the girl having a conversation with them as well- Minji always talked about how stuffy and boring it was to speak to them.
Jihye smiled as Minji walked up to her car and placed a hand on top of the firmly windowed car door. Minji was returning the smile- albeit hers was coated with a shyness she hadn’t yet seen from her, as well as a bit of confusion. She didn’t look angry; that much Jihye was grateful for, but she did look a little bit concerned about the spontaneity of the visit.
“Hey.” Jihye greeted, nodding in the older girl’s direction. The smile she was wearing finally reached the corner of her eyes.
“This is a surprise,” Minji started, bringing her other hand up to motion toward Jihye’s presence, “Why exactly are you here, Ji?”
Jihye shook her head at the question, gesturing for the girl to get in the car. She didn’t want to spoil the surprise she had planned for the two of them- she was getting giddy just thinking about it. Minji was staring at her like she had two heads, an expression of contemplation passing through her face.
Minji turned her head back toward the porch and Jihye watched as she bit her lip in thought. She looked to be weighing whether or not she was willing to get an earful from her parents later. Jihye gripped the steering wheel tighter in her hands, waiting for the girl to make up her mind.
“Just get in the car, Minji.” Jihye sighed, closing her eyes tightly.
“But my parents-” Minji started, getting immediately interrupted by the older girl.
“Get. In. The. Car.” She put emphasis on each singular word, finally hearing the handle of the car door click and signal that Minji was climbing into the passenger seat.
“Fine, Jesus,” Minji said with a sigh, shaking the car a bit as she sat down, “But if I get in trouble with them, it’s your fault.” She finished with a huff.
Jihye opened one eye and turned her head just enough for her to see the older girl out of the corner. Minji was crossing her arms and making a point of not looking at her, a small pout sitting at the corners of her mouth. She rolled her eyes at the sight, pulling the car out of park and away from the curb.
It was quiet for a few moments, the two of them enjoying the other’s company without having to make small talk. Jihye turned down a few streets here and there, humming along to the soft tunes playing on the radio as she did so. She turned her head once more to look at the older girl, noting that the pout was still present on her face from earlier.
“Stop pouting. I’m taking you somewhere fun, good lord.” Jihye broke the silence a few minutes later, turning down another side street.
She received a smack on the hand that was holding onto the gear shift for that. Except, Minji didn’t stop at just one smack. No, she continuously bothered the girl to the point where Danielle had to grab her hand to stop her from smacking her again. She kept her eyes on the road and had unknowingly and subconsciously interlocked their fingers together on top of the gear shift itself.
Somehow, Minji was quiet for the rest of the ride after that and the pout had been wiped off her face.
When Jihye took the last turn to pull into a small parking lot just off a main road, she received a very, very weird stare from Minji. It probably didn’t look great to be taking the girl somewhere so private.
“Did you bring me here to murder me or something?” Minji commented, looking out the window at the setting sun.
Jihye let out an exasperated huff and used her non-occupied hand to feign fake offense. How dare the older girl insinuate such a thing? She just wanted to surprise the girl with a fun evening and this was the thanks she was receiving from her. (I mean it would’ve been the perfect plan, so could she really blame her? Nope)
“Me? Never…” She dragged the last word out and laced it with sarcasm, earning another smack to their joined hands in response. She let out a tiny giggle at the action and her smile grew brighter.
She finally realized that their fingers were interlocked, bringing her head down slightly to discreetly look at them. She could feel Minji’s gaze on her- waiting for her to tell her exactly what they were doing there in the first place. She could feel a blush forming at the intensity of her stare.
But Minji’s hands were soft- softer even than the fleece of the blankets sitting on her bed at home, warmer than the jean jacket she had thrown on to help with the chillness of the night, and they just felt… right in her own. Maybe she was reading a bit too much into it, but it felt like the older girl’s were made to fit in hers the way they melded together so seamlessly.
Jihye cleared her throat and gestured toward the sunsetting in the distance.
“I wanted to watch the sunset and you just so happened to be on the way to my favorite spot, so…” She started, watching as Minji’s face morphed into a soft smile and felt the blush thickening as she heard a light chuckle pass by the girl’s lips.
“You could’ve just texted me.” Minji commented, turning her head to look out the front windshield, leaving Jihye to stare at her side profile.
Jihye studied it intensely. The sharp curvature of her jawline that looked as if it could cut pure diamonds, the way her brown eyes glowed amber in the setting sunlight and turned into pools of sweet, fresh honey that she could feel herself getting lost in… she could go on forever about how Minji looked in that moment. But, as her luck would have it, Minji turned back to look at her with an eyebrow raised.
Jihye cleared her throat for the second time that night, bringing her fist up to cover her mouth. She was just slightly embarrassed at getting caught staring. Muttering an apology, she thought of a response that would suit the situation.
“Yeah, but where’s the fun in that, hm?” She asked, raising her eyebrows in amusement at the deadpan look on the older girl’s face.
“My parents are gonna kill me, Ji.” Minji responded, bringing her other hand up to pink the bridge of her nose.
“Just tell them I kidnapped you or something.” She managed to get out in between laughs, absolutely enamored with the way annoyance looked on the other girl’s face.
It was hard for Jihye not to fall harder than she already had in that moment, especially not when Minji’s face shifted just slightly into a softer expression when Jihye laughed. Mini may not always show it outwardly, but Jihye could tell she held a special place in the older girl’s heart.
With a content smile of her own, she unbuckled her seat belt, finally letting go of the older girl’s hand in the process. Jihye turned the car off and twisted her key out of the ignition, opening her car door with a click afterwards. She swung her legs over the side of the door, planting her feet on the ground before standing up with a sigh.
She clicked the button on her car keys to lock the car after Minji finally got the hint to get out as well, giving the older girl a small smirk when it took her more than just a few seconds. As soon as her car door shut, Minji was at her side, giving her a weird look for the expression her face held.
“May I help you, Miss Mo Jihye?” Minji teased, grabbing the younger girl’s hand again to drag her into the grass.
This startled Jihye, causing her to flinch slightly when the older girl started to drag her away. She felt a smile rising by the way her cheeks lifted, staring directly at their now linked hands with a soft smile. God, the things Minji did to her, she swears.
“Nope. Nothing you can help with, Kim Minji.” Jihye teased right back, letting herself relax and follow the girl without her having to direct her with soft pulls of her hand.
Once Minji was satisfied with the view of the sunset she had, Jihye watched Minji plop down onto the grass, pulling the younger girl with her. Jihye laughed a bit at the childish nature of the older girl, missing the way that Minji’s eyes softened at the sound.
Minji had pulled their joined hands into her lap, Jihye watching as the girl unconsciously played with the ring the younger girl was wearing. Jihye had her eyes fully focused on the girl’s side profile once more, studying the way that Minji was watching the sun sink to be just above the tree line in front of them.
She enjoyed studying the girl’s eyes the most- she swore she could write an essay on just how much raw emotion she could find within their depths. The way the darkest bits swirled around to mix with pure honey and amber to create the best shade of chocolate brown in existence… It reminded her of the color of the caramel sweets she used to eat as a kid. They just added to the girl’s overall beauty in the best way possible, and if Jihye had a favorite feature of Minji’s, it would certainly be the girl’s eyes.
She hadn’t noticed Minji turning her head to return her gaze until she could feel the older girl’s hand cupping her cheek. Only then did she also notice the extreme lack of space between them- she could feel Minji breathe in front of her, each intake and release sending the baby hairs of her hairline spinning.
She followed the older girl’s gaze, her breath hitching in her throat when she realized that the girl’s eyes were solely focused on her lips. The switch up in the mood of tonight gave her emotional whiplash, and if you thought she was surprised to even have this much of the older girl’s attention, she was even more surprised when the older girl pressed her lips onto Jihye’s.
This could not be real. Kim Minji could not actually be kissing her right now. This had to be some sort of sick dream that she would wake up from any second now.
Except, it was very much real, as she could feel Minji pulling away from the lack of response that Jihye was giving her. Jihye panicked and crashed her lips back into Minji’s, hearing a gasp come from the older girl before she felt them start to move with her own.
And Jihye swore that she had never felt so high before. Was it possible to get high off the feeling that she held in the moment, because if it was, Jihye would choose to do so every day of the week.
How was it that a single kiss gave her more happiness than any other moment in her life? It felt like fireworks were going off in her heart the way that it was beating so fast. She swore that the older girl could hear it- it felt so loud in her own ears.
She could feel the older girl smile into the kiss before pulling back to lean her forehead against Jihye’s. Could it really be that Minji felt the same? Was it even possible for someone like her to feel that way about Jihye?
Minji was avoiding Jihye. That much was certain as Jihye stared at the last few text messages she had sent to the older girl, the lack of a response to both those and her calls, and the fact that the older girl had posted on Instagram just minutes ago.
Friday at 3:42 a.m.
lmao that’s so true
she does look like a bunny
that’s what i’m saying!
Today at 12:15 p.m.
you awake?
I wanted to talk about smthing
hello?
minji?
It was frustrating to say the least. Jihye hadn’t seen Minji since the night that they kissed, and something told her that it had a lot to do with that fact. Had Minji regretted doing that with her? Had she not meant it? Had it been purely an accident, or perhaps it was just adrenaline?
Had Jihye fucked up?
Just the thought of Minji having regret for what she did made Jihye’s heart sink into her stomach. It made thoughts that she hadn’t had since… that had happened reappear in her mind. Perhaps she had been right in assuming that there was no way that the Kim Minji could hold the same amount of love for Jihye in her heart as she did for the older girl.
Or perhaps, just maybe, she was overthinking the entire situation. Maybe Minji was still busy packing for college? But, that couldn’t be right, she had told Jihye she had finished before she stopped talking to her. So, maybe Minji was just busy in general? But that also couldn’t be the case, because again, Minji had just posted photos of herself on Instagram.
She had posted pictures of herself at the beach they had visited together a few months ago. Those were all pictures that Jihye had taken of the older girl- she remembers Minji asking for her help in choosing the right angles. So basically, Minji could post pictures that Jihye had taken but not respond to any of her text messages or phone calls.
Jihye saw how it was.
She sighed in frustration, letting the hand that held her phone up for her to see fall onto her bed cover. The fan on her ceiling pushed cold air down onto her, and she found herself basking in the relief from the otherwise hot room that she was in. She let her other arm come up to cover her eyes, pressing her face into the crook of her elbow with another sigh.
What had she done so wrong that Minji was ignoring her for the first time since they had met? Was it something that she said? Was it something that she did? Jihye was just so fucking confused. It’s not like she could ask the girl to meet her somewhere- Minji wasn’t responding to her, and it's not like she could apologize over text; she didn’t know what to apologize for.
She was led in circles of the same thought- what should she do? She didn’t know. She had never felt so helpless in her life. She was ready to give up when she felt her phone buzz in her hand.
She had never raised her phone so fast, and had, by accident, smacked herself in the forehead with part of the case. She hissed in pain, removing her phone from the site of her mistake and rubbed it to attempt to soothe it. She clicked her phone open, scrolling to find the message that she had received. From Minji.
meet me on the football field asap
i have something to tell you
Jihye felt her heart attempting to beat out of her chest. She couldn;t grasp the tone of voice Minji was trying to convey, her brain running through every possible outcome of this situation. This was, again, the first time Minji had texted her since Friday- it had to be pretty important if it was getting Minji to actually speak to her again.
And that part scared Jihye, because what if she actually had done something to make the older girl uncomfortable being around her?She ran through the possibilities once more in her head.
On one hand, Minji could be using this as an opportunity to confess to Jihye how she really felt about her- which would make the wait to speak to her again all the more worth it. In another, she could be expressing her regret at kissing her and explaining why she hadn’t meant to do so- which would most likely end with Jihye getting her heartbroken. And lastly, she could tell Jihye that she never wanted to see her face again- which would again, leave Jihye with a broken heart and a broken ego.
She would have to wait and see, she supposed. The anticipation was killing her as she thought of a response to text the older girl, her mind running through each possibility in turn.
She could, of course, not respond at all- just as the older girl had done to her before. However, Jihye was not that kind of person and she felt her fingers beginning to type on their own whilst her mind was elsewhere. When she realized what she had done, she scanned the line of text before sending it.
so, radio silence for a week
and you expect me to just
do that out of nowhere?
what the hell minji
Satisfied with her own response, she hit the send button and let her hand fall back down to her chest. This entire day had been frustrating enough, she really didn’t like that Minji was adding on to her piling amount of stress.
She let out a sigh, her other hand coming up from the sheets to run through her hair- starting at her hairline and going back accordingly. She knew that the older girl would think of a way to convince her to come- she always managed to keep Jihye wrapped around her pretty little finger, as Hanni had put it.
Speaking of the Jihye’s best friend, she’d have to update her on the current situation. Hanni had been worried about Jihye’s mental health after Minji had started ignoring her and had asked the girl to update her if Minji should ever respond to her again. She knew that Hanni would have a few choice words to say in response to the older girl’s ghosting, but right now, she didn’t really want to read a long paragraph of Hanni cussing out the older girl.
She felt her phone buzz once more and with a sigh, brought it back up to her face. It unlocked as soon as she did so, showing the conversation once more- with the new addition being a response from Minji.
please ji
this is important
i’m sorry for springing this on you
i really am
but please understand
it was killing me to not respond to you
Jihye scoffed at the response, shutting her phone off in annoyance. This was so unfair. The older girl had to know that she would cave in immediately, why else would she push this hard for her to meet up with her?
Jihye was incredibly frustrated- more so than she had been in a very, very long time. She sighed, turned her phone back on, and typed out a response carefully. If she could possibly find out what this was about before she left, then that would spare her a lot of stress and overthinking.
why should I
She kept the screen on this time, watching as the three little dots appeared and disappeared. Minji was thinking long and hard about what to say in response, it seemed, as a few minutes passed before she felt her phone buzz and her eyes take in what the older girl had to say.
please
trust me just this once
if you don’t like what I have to say
then you never have to speak to me again
just please give me a chance
Jihye sighed and contemplated just blocking the older girl. It would solve none of her problems and she would probably just be paid a visit by Minji later that night, but it would definitely feel good to do in the moment.
With a pained groan, Jihye sat herself up, looking around her room for anything else to do besides what Minji wanted her to do. She could start studying for her last ACT session, but that would be a lot of effort and take her the rest of the night. Not really what she wanted to do with the very little time she had before senior year started.
She swung her legs off the side of her bed, standing up on the hardwood floor underneath it. She grabbed the keys to her car that sat on her night stand, rolling them around in her fingers and she moved toward her closet. It opened with a sigh of its own, the glass door having been installed before she was born (it was incredibly old).
She flipped through the hangers, her hands brushing over the hoodie that she had borrowed from the older girl months ago. She let her hands trace the lettering on the cuffs. K.M . Kim Minji. Jihye had loved wearing it and was a little upset that she’d be having to give it back tonight.
She pulled it off the hanger with a sigh, holding it with the hand that had her keys on a finger. Jihye cursed herself under breath- she had forgotten to respond to Minji and she saw three missed calls and ten missed texts on her phone screen as it unlocked in her hand. She opened the message thread and read each in turn.
ji please
jihye i’m begging here
this is serious
i’m really not playing around
you need to know something
no, you DESERVE to know something
mo jihye istg
i will show up at your house
answer the phone
JIHYE.
Jihye was a little amused at the sight, but her eyes widened when she realized that Minji had sent her last message five minutes ago. That was enough time for the older girl to get on the road; the two of them only live a max of an eight minute drive away from each other. This was so not good.
Trying to balance everything in her hands while doing so, she typed out a message and hit send as soon as possible. She walked toward her bedroom door and twisted the handle to open it. Jihye walked out into the hallway, passing a window that she looked out of. It was pouring down rain. Great.
She basically ran down the stairs, ignoring the confused looks her parents were giving her from the living room. She waved her hand at them and pointed to the hoodie in her hand; and God was on her side that day, because they instantly understood and gestured for her to leave.
She felt a wave of relief hit her and she turned around to open up the front door. She twisted the handle, just the same as she had done upstairs, shutting it almost just as fast as she had opened it.
The first thing that she had noticed was the extra car in her driveway. The second thing that she noticed was the person standing outside of it.
There was Minji, in all of her glory, standing right outside her car door in the pouring rain. She was soaked from head to toe, the gray crewneck that she had on a whole different shade than what Jihye had assumed it was before. It looked like the older girl had been crying with the way that her eyes were bloodshot and red, her face was puffier than usual and she could see a glint of a tear forming in her eyes.
Genuine concern was the first emotion Jihye felt, quickly dropping the things in her hands on the porch to join the older girl in the downpour. She was in front of her within seconds, taking in the sight that was Minji crying.
“Were you crying?” Were the first words spoken after a moment of silence.
She had the older girl’s face in her hands in mere seconds, wiping away fresh tears that dared to fall from Minji’s eyes. Jihye noticed that as soon as she did so, the older girl was falling apart in her arms- quite literally. She felt the entire weight of the older girl collapse into her, causing her to stumble for a moment before she stabilized herself again.
She whispered sweet nothings into the older girl’s ear, rubbing her back and just holding the girl. This was the first time she had ever seen Minji cry before- she was genuinely shocked. She had never imagined seeing her cry before, and certainly not as badly as the girl was right now.
It took a few minutes of Jihye trying her hardest to calm the older girl down and Minji just gripping onto her tighter for the girl to finally try and explain just why she was crying.
“Talk to me, Min.” Jihye said, continuing to keep the girl in the hugging position they were currently in.
Minji sniffled as she started to speak, each word that came out of her mouth giving Jihye goosebumps. And dread filled her heart with each sentence.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Ji. I really don’t,” Minji started, hiccuping in between her sentences, “but you deserve to know the truth.” She finished, pulling out of the hug to look Jihye in the face.
To say that the anticipation was killing the younger girl would be a complete understatement. The look on Minji’s face had Jihye extremely worried, and she didn’t know if she was completely prepared for what was about to come out of her mouth.
No, she definitely wasn’t ready for the stab in the back that Minji was about to tell her about. And no, she definitely wasn’t prepared to learn that Minji was the one holding onto the knife.
But if there was one thing that she knew, it was that the rain had just added to the overall severity of the situation. And honestly, this was the perfect mood for what would come out of the other girl’s mouth.
“Just tell me, Minji.” Jihye sighed, grabbing ahold of each of her arms with her hands. She could handle it, whatever it was.
She watched as Minji wiped away her tears, seemingly preparing herself for what she was about to spill to Jihye. She looked to be composing herself as well, the unevenness of her breathing steadying out to become more manageable. Whatever it was, it was definitely serious. Minji had not been lying in her text messages.
And with the rain pounding down on their backs, their hair sticking to their faces and their clothes dripping water themselves, and thunder sounding in the distance, Minji had broken her heart. She felt it drop out of Minji’s hands and shatter onto the concrete beneath them.
How could Jihye have been so stupid? How could she have given her heart away so easily? What possessed her to fall for Kim Minji, someone she knew that she’d never have?
Was it the older girl’s charm? Was it the way that she took care of Jihye? Was it the way that she smiled at Jihye? Was it the way she took Jihye’s other friends into consideration when they hung out? It was all of that and more, it seemed. No matter which way that Jihye looked at it, it was everything that Minji was and more that had made her fall as much as she had.
She had fallen helplessly into Minji’s hands and what had Minji done with her? Thrown her on to the ground, brought her foot down onto her and crushed her into the ground.
And the words that Minji had spoken to her that fateful night? She would never forget them for as long as she lived.
“I know you like me, Jihye. I don’t feel the same,” She had started, pausing to consider her next words wisely, “I’m in love with Hanni.” She finished, gauging the reaction from the girl in front of her.
Jihye was silent. She was so, so silent that it scared Minji. Minji knew that she had fucked up the moment the words left her mouth.
“I should’ve told you sooner, but I… I kissed you and then I confused myself. You confused me.” Minji added, knowing that she was losing Jihye to the other girl’s thoughts.
And with that, Jihye’s whole world had come shattering to the ground. Hanni, her best friend. Minji was in love with Hanni. This whole time, Minji had been pining after Hanni, not Jihye. Jihye was nothing more than a pawn in Minji’s bigger game of chess.
Jihye felt worthless. She felt like the universe hated her- she felt like she was nothing. How could this have happened to her, again . She had been led on one too many times in the past, but for two different people to have left her for someone else to happen? Her heart. Her poor, poor heart ached.
She could feel herself bleeding from how hard she was digging her nails into her own skin. She knew that she should stop her from speaking again, but no words came out of her mouth as she tried. Jihye was completely, one hundred percent speechless.
“I’m so sorry, Ji. I’m so, so sorry.” Minji had attempted to save herself, but all it did was drive the knife deeper into her back.
Minji had attempted to hug her after her last sentence, but Jihye was having none of it. Without even looking the older girl in the eyes, she roughly shoved the girl away from her.
Jihye felt like she couldn’t breathe. Her lungs were screaming at her for air, but as soon as she took a breath, she could feel the hiccup being forced out of her throat.
She could hear Minji attempting to speak to her after that, but with the rain in the background and her own thoughts roaring in her ears, she had been drowned out. She felt the tears before she realized she was crying, she felt her throat swell up before she realized she was choking on said tears and she felt Minji leave her before she watched her car pull out of her parent’s driveway.
In the end, Jihye really should have figured out the key to the puzzle sooner. All those “dates” could have been perceived as friendly outings, all of the hushed whispers they shared in the darkness of midnight were just false promises, and the kiss that they shared meant nothing to her. She was stupid for ever thinking that Kim Minji would feel the same.
Kim Minji- the girl first she had let herself fall for since the fated incident that had left her heart shattered, the first girl to break down all of the walls she had built so carefully to protect herself, the first girl she had let see the true version of herself, not just the facade she put on for the rest of the world- had done nothing more than use her to get to with best friend .
Her body shook as each wave of sobs passed through her, the wetness of her tears staining the blue hoodie that she had chosen to wear that day. The sky had let down its flood of water onto her just moments before, leaving her hair stuck to her pale skin in its wake. She hiccuped, feeling her throat close and re-open as she began to choke due to the severity of her pain. Her own nails dug into whatever bit of skin they could find, the sharpness of the pain grounding her to the moment and the current reality of her situation.
The time she had spent with Minji had been nothing more than a projection of her own feelings and emotions.
The cruelty of the fever dream of summer had taken from her the one thing she had ever truly wanted- the only thing that she had ever truly let herself want. It was as if the universe itself had torn away the last bit of the bandages that were holding the mosaic pieces of her heart together.
The summer was unkind, sure, but then what was August?
Was it bitter like the taste of the coffee that Minji and her had shared while watching the sunrise together? Was it brutal like the heat that came and went as did the days and nights that she had spent with Minji? Was it harsh like the rain had been as it had beaten against their backs when she had finally let the older girl into her heart? Into the one place that she had closed off from the rest of the world?
No, August was far more bloodthirsty than anything she had ever experienced.
It was merciless in the way it had left Jihye in utter shambles; in complete disarray. She could feel her heart shattering within her skin- the way that it was cut leaving her to bleed tears with only herself to blame. It was cold-blooded in the way that it stripped it away from her in mere moments- like it was nothing to the universe to rip it from her body and leave her feeling nothing but emptiness.
The summer was cruel, but August was inhumane . It took everything from her.
It brought her great pain to replay the memories in her head- every one cutting its own scar into her already beaten and bloodied heart.
Perhaps she should have known that Minji was not hers to lose.