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He comes back to consciousness after a moment of weakness, he seems to have too many of them lately. His face is crushed against the little rocks on the ground while the rest of his limbs are still mangled into the flesh of his Attack Titan. His mind has been in so many different places these days, time and memories mingled with a sense of dread and longing for things he should never have. It’s a wonder how he even manages to get anything done. The pathetic excuse for a transformation evaporating around him was a miracle in and of itself.
Well, not actually a miracle. But a girl. His girl. She helps him continue. Swirling in the myriad of his memories, she helps. Ever present. Ever soothing. Ever so…good. Why can’t he be good like her? Good enough for her? He fucking hates himself. He wants to beg her for mercy and bury himself in her. She would let him right? She would welcome a monster like him, destined to bring this world to utter ruin all for his comrades, into her lovely arms right? She calls him her family after all. That must mean something, right? He hates himself for even entertaining the idea. The idea of her pure heart stained by useless scum like him destroys him. But the idea of her with anyone else destroys him more.
After hours of fruitless experiments, he thought of her to help him transform again. Thinking back to the day she thanked him so sweetly on the field. What kind of a devil taints such a precious image by focusing on the soft plush of her angelic lips? Mikasa, his kind and precious Mikasa, leaning in to comfort him and all he can think about is how sweet her lips would taste on his tongue. Fuck. That was the thought that short-circuited his brain halfway through his transformation, leaving him in his current state.
He’s too tired to care about trivial wounds so he doesn’t heal his face even after coming back to the base. He doesn’t want to worry the others, so he avoids joining them for dinner. His appetite is nonexistent anyway. What, with all the burning flesh living rent-free in his mind, was he really supposed to eat well? It does make him thirsty, though. Or perhaps it’s because of some other intrusive thoughts.
He tries to sneak into the kitchen before any of his friends notice him from the adjacent dining hall. Thank the goddess Sasha and Connie are currently being distracting dumbasses, unknowingly, for his sake.
“Ereh!!!” Mikasa’s distressed voice stills him in his tracks. His attempt to inconspicuously grab a glass of water from the kitchen derails when she starts to worry and fret after him.
“Ereh, your face! It hasn’t healed yet. Hange-san was worried you don’t have any energy these days…have you been eating enough?” his precious girl drifts as she gets up from her table and walks over to him.
“hm. Sorry, Mikasa.” Her cool fingertips touch around the gash on the side of his face. “Just tired is all.”
“You go sit down, I’ll get you some soup and bread.” Mikasa pushes him by his shoulder, but he remains still, lost in her worried eyes.
“Mikasa, I just wanted some water. I don’t want to eat right now.” He lifts his hand up to gently peel her hand off his shoulder and feel her palm against his before either of them pulls away.
“Ereh, you need to eat…” She grabs their locked hands with her other hand to ground him. To plead with him.
“My face hurts, Mikasa.” He gives her a half smile and a poor excuse. Well, sort of. His face does hurt but the longer he is with them, with her and Armin, the more the detriment to his already fucked up psyche.
“Oh” her eyes droop down, dejected, before landing on their hands. “At least let me clean and dress your face.” She looks up with a hopeful twinkle in her eyes.
How could he refuse this angel? He would let her chop his head off before thinking of refusing her. He nods, still sporting his half-smile.
Mikasa goes to get supplies while he wanders to the table at her request and sits next to Armin.
“Eren, are you okay?” Armin asks, concern in his voice, quieting down the discussion about baked potato halves at their table.
“Shit, what the fuck happened to your face? Did you try another attempt at your life, you suicidal maniac?” If only you knew how much I wish I did, Jean.
“Just tired, Jean.”
Jean raises his eyebrow and Armin turns to him a little. That isn’t good. He really doesn’t want this to lead to another interrogation by Armin.
“But you wouldn’t know what that feels like would ya? What, with your horse legs and all.” The tension in the air fizzles out a little after that and he asks Armin about his day.
Before anyone can ask him any damning questions, his saving grace returns to take a seat by his side. She straddles the bench next to him and starts taking care of his wounds with all the gentleness her rough hands can allow. The others go back to eating their dinner and chitchat, forcing him to divert whatever’s left of his attention onto his beloved girl. Well, she already had his undivided attention the second she took his chin into her palm and tilted his face to her. He watches her squeeze the tube of ointment to get the right amount onto her dainty index finger, calloused from war but dainty and steady. Just like her. She applies the cream with slow and precise movements, making sure he doesn’t have to hurt any more than he already has. He couldn’t help but swallow the lump forming in his throat. This precious girl. His precious girl. What did he do to deserve such a sweet human being to care for him like this?
Overwhelmed by her touch and beautiful face, he closes his eyes to savor the feel of her. Her fingers dab at his torn flesh and run down his cheekbone, his hollow cheek, and finally the cut on his lower lip. He feels her linger on the side of his lip. It was imperceptible but he notices. Or maybe he is being a delusional bastard and diluting his precious Mikasa’s care into vulgar desires.
Mikasa tears some medical gauze off its roll and bandages his cheek up as if he wasn’t a Titan-killing monster who can heal in a matter of seconds. “There.” Happy with finishing her job, she gives him a rare smile that reaches her eyes.
He feels an invisible knife stab his heart and twist itself inside him. He needs to leave.
“Oh look, Eren looks brand new!” Sasha distracts Connie, steeling his potato.
“Fuck, Mikasa, I’m coming to you whenever I get hurt.”
“Yeah, Mikasa does a great job at it, she’s really gentle too.” Jean nods, looking him straight in the eye with a smirk. He glares at the horse-faced fucker. Jean probably has more of a chance with her than he ever could given his future. He needs to leave before he throws up whatever’s left of his breakfast.
“Thank…you.” He mumbles to his Mikasa before quickly walking out of the room, ignoring Mikasa’s and Armin’s calls.
His stomach gurgles. Is it even possible to be hungry while extraordinarily nauseated? He can’t go back in there while his friends are still there. While she is still there…with him. He shouldn’t think like that. Jean is her friend. She cares for all of her friends like the angel she is. But the thought of her caring for them (except Armin ‘cause he’s their her son) the same way she does for him makes him want to scream, throw a tantrum, and go to his mother like the crybaby he is. But he can’t.
Before he figures out a way to simmer his anger, he hears a soft knock on his door.
“Ereh? It’s me.”
His Mikasa. Always there to save him from everything, even himself.
“Yeah?”
She opens the door and hesitates a little before coming over to his bed with a tray of soup and bread.
“I know you are tired and need to be alone…but you should eat something.” She lights up the lantern in his room before sitting at the edge of his bed. “I know you don’t want me here either but I promised your mom…I’d help you whenever you need…” She looks down at the food in her lap with a forlorn look.
“Mikasa, it’s okay. I do want you here.” He sits up on his bed and reclines against the headboard. “I’m sorry.”
Mikasa looks up at him, eyes falling to his lips. He feels like he can’t breathe. She then makes him go rigid when she breaks a piece of bread, dunks it in the soup, and raises her hand to his mouth. Oh.
…
She’s never done this before. Well, not counting the times she practically choked him to death with a whole loaf of bread. That was his fault for being an asshole to Armin. He immediately opens his mouth before her cute (blushing) face can frown from any rejection.
She is so loving towards him right now, feeding him like he’s her—that’s it. He makes the decision right then and there to murder anyone who tries to win her heart while he’s around. Nope. Not happening. Not on his watch. He’ll fuck them up. If anyone ever dares to lay a finger on her, he’ll kill them point blank. This justifies everything he’s going to do. Every heinous act. Yep. He’ll kill them all just so she can have a lifetime of peace. Yeah. That’s it. Fuck. He’s losing it, isn’t he?
He chokes on his food. She rubs his back while he coughs it out and offers him a glass of water.
He chugs it down at once. He completely forgot his earlier mission to get water, too wrapped up in her hands.
“Thank you, Mikasa.” He croaks.
She smiles and grabs his hand. Ughh. She’s always been this way. Why? Why does she care so fucking much?? Can’t she see he’s just a heartless monster who’s going to bring more death to the world than the titans ever did?
Right. She can’t see it. She doesn’t even know what he’s willing to do for her, let alone everyone else.
He can’t muster enough energy to squeeze her hand back. He hangs his head in shame and continues to eat what his darling girl feeds him.
She smiles at him after he finishes without protest.
“Thank you.”
“Thank you for eating, Ereh.” She puts the tray aside on the corner table and tucks him into bed. After making sure he’s comfortable, she leans over him and rests her soft hand on his shoulder. “I know it’s hard for you ever since you received those memories. Just…just know we’re here for you. Sasha, Connie, Jean, Historia, the Captain and Hange-san, Armin, and me.”
He meets her eyes as his heart cracks in half. “Okay.” He murmurs after placing his hand over hers on his shoulder.
He gazes at her beautiful face as she tucks a few strands of hair behind her ear and knits her eyebrows together. She is hesitating on something. She’s been doing that a lot lately, fueling his wayward thoughts.
His body tenses as she unexpectedly leans down to his face, slow like a feather, and kisses his lower lip, right on his cut.
…
…
…
His neurons stop firing and time shatters in his mind.
Eren grabs Mikasa by her shoulders and pushes her down to his chest before molding their lips together in a more perfect union. He wraps one arm around her body and snakes his other hand up to hold the back of her head against him. His chest expands and deflates rapidly while his heart skips every other beat. Is he still alive? He cards his fingers through her silky hair and licks her lower lip to ground himself. Mikasa kissed him! She loves him the same way he loves her! Right…?
He kisses her lips and pulls away when his wounds start to steam.
Mikasa meets his hazy gaze with wild blown-out eyes. Still holding her in his arms, Eren sits up. He can’t help but smile like an idiot. She looks at her hands, which are flat against his chest, with a blank expression.
His smile droops a little.
“…Mikasa?”
No answer. Her body feels as rigid as a statue.
Shit.
“…I…your mom used to…um…kiss your wounds…after helping…bandage…you up…she used to say it heels them…quicker…” she gulps. If he didn’t feel like he was just hit with a huge bucket of ice water, he would think she was breathtakingly adorable right now while she blushes and stutters.
“Oh…”
They both stay still for a moment. So, she only wanted to care for him…like family. And he ruined it.
He immediately removes his arms from her and backs away a little. “I’m so sorry, Mikasa. I shouldn’t have…I didn’t…I won’t ever do that again, I’m so sorry. That was not…”
Something snaps in her and she clutches the front of his shirt with both hands and mashes her face into his. For the umpteenth time that night, Eren doesn’t know what the fuck to do.
She pulls away with a smack, “that was my excuse!”
“Wha…?”
She looks at him with furrowed brows and a pleading expression. “I’m sorry. I was going to use your cut as an excuse…Ereh…” she gulps again, “Ereh, I’ve…wanted to do that for a long time.”
He slowly raises his hands to her face. His sweet girl nuzzles into his hands. She truly is sweet. Her lips are truly…
He tilts his head and leans in to kiss her again. His brain has gone deathly quiet ever since she squished her sweet lips to his. He should have done this sooner. He should have confronted her earlier about why she leaned into him the way she did that day on the field. Maybe he could have fixed his brain way sooner. It doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore except this feeling of her. Maybe she is humanity’s savior and not him.
She inhales sharply when she deepens the kiss and snakes her hands up to his face.
“You wanted to do this for a long time huh?” He breathes against her mouth.
His pretty girl nods. He brushes his lips against her.
“How long?”
“Huh?”
He moves back a little to look into her dilated obsidians. He brushes her hair back from her face. “How long have you been wanting to kiss me.”
His precious girl tries to turn her face away but he keeps her steady.
“Mikasa, what am I to you?” Eren pleads like the universe depends on her answer.
“Huh?” she blushes hard. “You’re my…fami–”
“I’m just your family?” He asks incredulously.
That’s it? Who kisses their family like this?
Unless…
She starts to tear up.
“Mikasa, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to–”
“Ever since we were kids,” she lets out a sob. “I’ve always…”
A painful sense of déjà vu starts to flash through his body. He shuts her and his body up by kissing her again.
None of his memories matter anymore. Only her. Here. With him. Right now. His precious Mikasa. His precious…wife.
Mikasa kisses him back with the same ferocity. He winds his hands around her and rolls her onto his bed. He’s never letting her go.
For the first time in years, Eren wakes up refreshed and at peace. He squints at the sunrays entering his room and cranes his neck to memorize every inch of the warm body curled against him. He lays a kiss against her hair and pulls her closer to his chest. How long has it been since he spooned her like this? He remembers his precious girl coming to him for comfort when they were children. How long ago was it that he told her he’d forever protect her from anyone who wishes to harm her? How long ago was it that he made the decision that she was his without even realizing it? No wonder his child-self got jealous of every boy she interacted with and angry whenever she protected him instead of the other way around. He was so ignorant back then. To her and his own feelings. His parents probably already sensed it.
His darling Mikasa stirs in his arms. He tightens his grip around her. She tenses for a moment before relaxing and yawning.
“Morning.” She turns to him fully before wrapping her arm around his back.
“Good morning.” He can’t help but smile at her. “Did you sleep well, anata?”
Mikasa’s jaw drops, and she turns red as a tomato. “Huh?!” Well, that woke her up fully.
“Your sleep. Was it good? With me?” He teases.
“Ereh! You called me…”
“What else should I call my wife?”
His cute little wife (definitely not little anymore like she used to be) hides her beet-red face in his shirt collar.
Eren smooths down her bed head before lifting her chin up to face him. “You said I’m your family, am I not?”
She pauses for a moment observing his verdant irises. “I haven’t asked you to marry me yet.”
Eren guffaws at her and smothers her into his chest.
“I already asked when I wrapped that scarf around your neck, and you said yes when you came home with me.” His voice trembles with emotion as his eyes tear up.
Mikasa peaks her pretty face out and smashes her lips into his.
With that kiss, Eren consummates his marriage with mixed tears and happy tongues.