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It happened at night after dinner. They were sitting opposite each other in the lounge, both on their laptops when the dreaded words in any relationship were said.
“Phil, we need to talk.”
“Yeah, what’s up Dan?” Phil tried to keep his tone light, though he already sensed the tension building up like air in a soda can.
Dan took a deep breath and let it all out in a sigh. Phil could see his hands shaking. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“What do you mean?,” Phil asked, although he already knew what Dan meant. He had seen this coming, how could he have not? He was the only person in the world who knew Dan better than Dan knew himself, so when Dan said he was “fine” after the Valentine’s Day video was leaked, and that “it wasn’t a big deal,” Phil knew it was a lie.
He answered, voice barely quivering but Phil still noticed. “This, us.” Dan gestured to the space between them. Never had that space seemed so big. “The fans are on to us, it’s too easy for one of us to slip up.”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
Dan stared in shock. What did Phil mean, okay? How was he okay? You don’t get broken up with by someone you’ve been with for 3 years and just say “okay”.
“What do you mean ‘okay’?”, Dan asked, anger he knew was unreasonable brewing in his stomach.
“I mean okay, fine, alright. What else do you want me to say?”Phil snapped.
The atmosphere in the room shifted, and suddenly, it was like a bomb exploded. “What else do I want you to say? You’re supposed to be angry, Phil, you’re supposed to yell and scream at me! I just broke up with you and your only response is ‘okay’?”
“Do you want me to be upset? You just said it yourself, you’re the one who broke up with me and I said ‘okay’, so you’re getting what you want, Dan.”, Phil when angry was the polar opposite of Dan. Dan was loud and on the verge of tears, but Phil was quiet, his voice laced with venom. Every word he said was dangerous and threatening, but off-puttingly calm. Like a time bomb stuck at the last second.
“No, wait Phi—”
“This is what you want,” he said with finality. And with that, Phil stood up and left the lounge, laptop in hand.
~1 month later
To some, the morning is a sign of hope. To others, when the sun rises, it brings distraction with it, and sometimes, that’s as close to hope as you can get.
Phil’s alarm went off and he rolled towards the nightstand to turn it off. He dragged himself out of bed and lumbered towards the bathroom. His eyes were stained red with tears because living with Dan hurt like hell. There is no pain in this world worse than being close to someone you love, only to have them not want you. The wall that kept his emotions in check during the day was chipped away to nothingness at night. When the sun went down, and his door closed, there was nothing stopping the tears.
In an attempt to look less dead, he splashed cold water on his face before making his way to the lounge and prayed Dan wasn’t awake yet to see his puffy and tear stained eyes. He wasn’t.
Twenty minutes later, Dan walked in and sat down next to Phil on the sofa. Since that night, they acted like there was nothing wrong; and to anyone not familiar with them, they still seemed like the ideal best friends. But it wasn’t the same. They were careful to sit at least a foot apart, and the lingering touches and stares were missing. It killed Phil when Dan answered “is Phan real?” in his liveshow with a “no”, because although he had done that before, this time, it was the truth.
But there was no time for self pity now; Phil was far too busy. Thoughts of Dan were shoved to the back of his head during the day. He had videos to film and edit. He constantly busied himself with things to do whenever possible, just to avoid thinking about that night. He called PJ and had a chat about a short film PJ was working on, went down to Tesco to get some milk, edited a video, and scripted another. All these things served as distractions. But distractions are just that, just distractions and they never last for long.
Humans are so scared of the dark. Maybe it’s not the lack of light we fear, but the night. Night is when we are truly alone and sometimes there is nothing more terrifying than when there is nothing but silence, save for the whispers of your own thoughts and the beating of your heart.
A good night’s sleep was a distant memory for Phil. It took him hours to fall asleep now, and sometimes, he didn’t at all. Dan doesn’t love you. He’s ashamed of having been in a relationship with you. He doesn’t care, why would he? Without the distractions of the day, his own mind was free to torture him.
London nights were cold in and of themselves, but even more so when Phil reached his arm over to cuddle Dan and was met by empty space. Hours were spent analyzing everything he did wrong and berating himself over and over for even making that video. Maybe Dan was right, maybe it was Phil’s fault, no wonder Dan broke up with him. Phil was lying when he said he was okay that night a month ago, he had never been farther from okay.
Jealousy is a bitter pill to swallow. It claws at your insides and tears at your heart. It leaves you feeling empty and hopeless wondering why you weren’t good enough.
When Dan returned from Starbucks and greeted Phil with a smile and “I met someone today!”, Phil’s world came crashing down. Was he really so replaceable?
Dan rambled on ecstatically, “She’s gorgeous, Phil. She has really pretty dark hair and these beautiful eyes that look like the ocean and she’s smart and funny and we talked for a while it was great. And she gave me her number!”
“That’s great Dan.” That was all Phil could manage before nearly sprinting to his room, mumbling something about needing to finish editing. He never really understood the characters in movies and books who acted like the world was ending when their exes got new partners until now. Technically, Dan wasn’t even dating this girl yet, they had just met, but it all hurt the same. You’re replaceable, you never meant a thing to him anyways. The overcast weather matched his mood that afternoon and the raindrops hitting the pavement mirrored the tears wetting his pillow. He cried until there was nothing left and fell into a restless sleep.
Phil woke up a few hours later to Dan knocking on his door, “Phil! Dinner’s ready, I ordered pizza.”
“I’ll be right there, just give me a few minutes.”
Dan noticed Phil’s slightly puffy and red eyes when he walked into the kitchen, “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine, just tired. I fell asleep in the middle of editing.” Lies. You’re just all lies, aren’t you? Dan’s better off with someone else, you have no reason to be upset. If anything, you should be happy for him, you’re just being selfish right now.
Dinner was finished in silence and nothing had ever been so deafening.