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Many wounds heal by themselves, some require you to stitch them up before they can, and others never do.
Two years, two years of failed relationships with other people, late nights spent crying over each other, flitting around the topic of “Phan” and a strictly “just friends” attitude. They both regretted that night back in 2012 more than anything, but neither of them knew how to fix it. It was exhausting, micromanaging every move and editing out every second that could be used as evidence for what once was.
It was exhausting and Dan and Phil could only stand it for so long. On December 24th, 2014, Dan Howell just couldn’t do it for any longer. He spent days, weeks, even months in some cases in other relationships trying to convince himself that he didn’t love Phil anymore, that he could move on, but he was only lying to himself. Every moment Dan spent with Phil only resulted in him falling more in love, but fear kept him from doing anything. What if Phil didn’t love him any more? What if he hated him? Considering what he did to Phil, he wouldn’t blame him if he did.
It was 11:38pm and they were both tipsy, Dan more so than Phil. They both knew that they would have to wake up to a day running around, first to lunch with Marzia and Felix and then a Christmas party at Louise's place. A rerun of last year's Christmas special of Doctor Who was on the television, but neither of them were paying much attention.
It was 11:40pm when Dan muttered “I miss you Phil, I’m sorry.”
“Come again? What did you say Dan?”
“I said, I’m sorry, I regret it all, I miss you, please take me back.”
Phil didn’t dare get his hopes up so a “Go to bed Dan, you’re drunk.” was all he gave in way of a response.
“Nooo,” Dan whined, “I’m serious Phil. I miss you. I love you.”
“Okayyy you’re definitely too drunk, let’s get you to bed.”
It took some time, but Phil was able to (quite literally) drag a passed out Dan to bed before turning off the lights and heading to bed himself. Unfortunately for him, sleep was not coming easy. What Dan said earlier echoed in his head louder and louder until that was all he heard. Until those words became his only thoughts at 3am. Phil desperately wished Dan was telling the truth, god knows how much he hoped that, but he wouldn’t let himself believe it. Dan was pretty drunk, nothing he said matters, nothing he said had any semblance to truth, right? Phil found himself walking on a tightrope, not daring to fall on either side.
Weak sunlight already filtered by clouds and morning fog streamed through the blinds as Dan’s eyes blinked open. He was definitely a bit hungover, hopefully he’ll feel alright by lunch. The smell of coffee drifted in through the crack in his bedroom door, Phil was awake. Dan found him paging through a book, cereal in front of him, a coffee mug in hand. “Morning,” Dan greeted as he yawned, “Where’s the coffee?”
“Oh, I just made an instant coffee, sorry.”
“You’re an instant peasant.”
“No I’m not!” Phil was indignant.
“Admit it, you’re a coffee pleb.”
“I’m not a coffee pleb.”
Dan smirked knowing he had won the argument, “Whatever you say, Mr. Nescafé Original.” He turned on the TV to the Great British Bake Off and they sat in relative silence until the adverts when Dan mentioned the previous night. “Ugh, I don’t really want to go to lunch in two hours. Actually, I don’t want to go anywhere today even if it’s Christmas, I woke up feeling like shit if I’m honest.”
“Do you not remember?” Phil asked cautiously, bracing himself for a very awkward moment or heartbreak. Either Dan would say he didn’t remember which would obviously lead to some questioning, or he would remember and tell Phil nothing he said last night was true.
“Remember what? All I know is I got drunk.”
At least it wasn’t Dan brutally ripping out his heart for the second time, no matter how ridiculously cliché that sounds. It’s not like Phil was going to tell Dan what really happened, so “Yeah, you were pretty drunk, I actually had to drag you to bed.” would have to suffice.
“You didn’t have to, thanks Phil.”
“Well if I didn’t, you would have woken up in your existential crisis position on the carpet and I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Fair enough.”
There was something in Phil’s demeanor that would be undetectable to a stranger or even just a casual friend of Phil’s, but not to Dan. There was something in the way his eyes weren’t really focused on the TV, instead drifting over to stare outside the window. His voice was wavering the slightest bit and the words sounded automatic, nothing much behind them.
Dan’s voice was spiked with a hint of concern, “Are you okay Phil? You seem a bit out of it.”
Am I really that easy to read? “No I’m fine, it’s just…” Phil drifted off, deciding against finishing the sentence that would open a can of worms he just wasn’t ready for.
“Just what?” Dan knew he was being perhaps a bit importunate, but he had to know if it was his fault. Maybe it was something he said last night.
Possibilities were racing through Phil’s head a mile a minute; he could tell Dan the truth, or he could avoid it and maybe never find out if what Dan said last night was just the alcohol. Too many regrets already, he decided and tried to calm down before just saying it. Dan’s face was questioning and held a trace of worry and Phil knew he genuinely cared. “Well,” he started, “you were pretty drunk last night and then you started talking about how you missed me and,” he trailed off, weighing the possibilities of saying that last bit before thinking, to hell with it, how much worse could things get? “and how you still loved me.”
The next two seconds spent waiting for a reaction were terrifying. “Oh, I said that?” came Dan’s nearly inaudible reply and Phil couldn’t really tell if Dan was verifying that what he said was true or the complete opposite.
Phil struggled for purchase on his words, “I mean uh of course you didn’t mean it, you were uh you were drunk. It doesn’t matter, I was just wondering if oh I don’t know I was just wondering—” Phil sighed in frustration, unsure of what to say.
“You were just wondering if I meant what I said.”
Phil nodded feverishly thankful he didn’t have to say it but was stopped by Dan’s lips on his. The kiss was soft and bittersweet, yearning. It could only be described as reaching a destination whose existence you doubted until now. “Well, I guess now you know I’m terribly honest when I’m drunk.”
~
It’s not that they seemed sad or depressed the past few times Louise saw them, no not even close, but she could tell they were the happiest tonight than they had been in a while.
~1 month later
The morning is hope, rebirth, promise. It can be a clean slate if you let it be. It is the moment after the quiet mystery of night but before the hustle and preoccupation of the afternoon. It is everything bathed in the soft glow of sunlight whispering “It’s okay, everything will be fine.”
Dan woke up to the chirp of early morning birds and the familiar smell of coffee. He opened his eyes to Phil smiling down at him, sitting up with his computer on his lap. A mug of coffee was on the nightstand, placed precariously close to the edge in the usual Phil fashion. “Morning love. Did you sleep enough?” Phil asked Dan, fondness apparent in his voice.
“Yeah, how long have you been up?”
“Only like fifteen minutes.”
“Do we have to go anywhere today?”
“Nope, we have a free day. We can stay in bed all day if you want.”
“Mmm, that sounds ideal, but we need breakfast first.”
“Agreed.”
Too often is the night associated with evil and fear. Instead, it is a time of calm. A time when you can look out and see the stars twinkling outside, light years away, and it is then in the darkness when knowing your own insignificance in the universe can be comforting.
Januaries in London were beyond cold. The heater was turned up in the flat, but both Dan and Phil still wore fuzzy socks and long sleeved pajamas. Dan finished editing a video and made his way to Phil’s bedroom, well really it was their bedroom by now, and found Phil already in bed, reading a book he got for Christmas. Phil automatically lifted up the covers to let Dan climb inside and the set the book on the nightstand, turning off the lamp too. “Goodnight Dan, love you.” he said as he did every night.
“I love you too.”
They both fell asleep with no problem, legs and arms tangled together.
People try to describe love in so many ways and love can be described in so many ways. But all those descriptions never do it justice. You could say love is like coming home after a long day, love is feeling warm and fuzzy inside, love is when the other person makes everything seem alright, love is hot chocolate on a rainy day. Love is all those things and so much more.
Dan believes love was him and Phil Skyping every single day before they met in person and still being just as excited to see each other every day now.
Phil believes love is him and Dan making it through 2012.