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Stephanie had always been a little different. When she was younger, it had been in the way she reacted to things. It was in the way that she was just a little bit off in her interpretations of vocal tones and facial features. It was in the way she had wanted soft plushies. Everything she did was a little bit odd, a little bit strange. Not enough to be noticeable, not enough to cause whispers to echo through the halls of Hawkins schools. Just enough that teachers tended to smile at her more, to speak slower. However, none of these things made Steph feel as if she was separated from the other children around her, at least not enough to be strictly noticed. No, the strangest thing to her, the thing that set her apart, was her lack of a childhood crush.
Hearing that, it doesn’t seem weird. Not a lot of kids focus on crushes, those years are mainly spent on whatever your particular interest is and how to get better at that. Yet, even in elementary and middle school, Steph still heard people discussing who they found attractive and who they thought was ugly. Often she herself was the target of giggling bands of girls, calling her “handsome” and “hot”. It used to fill her with a warm glow, to be seen and valued by people, but also confused her. A question seemed to play through her head whenever she was reminded that she was supposed to find people hot.
“What does it mean to find someone pretty, Mama?” She tentatively asked her mother one night, as she was being tucked into bed after a dress-up day, face freshly scrubbed makeup free.
“Mio dolce bambino,” She crooned, brushing the light brown locks out of her child’s face,” You are young, you do not need to worry about being pretty. Sei ancora il mio piccolo bambino.”
“I know, Mama, but how will I know when I find someone who is my favorite kind of pretty?” Steph had asked, smiling and wiggling away from her mother’s gentle touch, finding it ticklish.
“Ahhhhh, Stephan, it is not something I can tell you,” She smiled, a gentle glow lighting up her face,” When you see the one, you will know. You will know, il mio bel ragazzo.”
“What if I don’t find them?”
There was a pause as Steph’s mother smoothed the blanket in front of her. Finally she looked up at her and whispered softly,” Then you’ll just have to be that kind of pretty for yourself.”
That night Steph had fallen asleep, heart full of happiness and mind full of the possibilities of happy futures.
—-------------------------
And it was in one of these happy futures that Steph found herself, smirking as she moved a chess piece across the board. To her left was a small pile of already defeated chess pieces, including the ever important queen. Directly in front of her, the boyfriend of her dreams, Eddie Munson, was visibly trying not to knock the chess board off the table with a flick of his wrist.
“Ready to give up yet?” She asked, folding her hands innocently under her chin as she stared across the board.
Eddie glanced up from where he was staring at the board, possibly trying to get the pieces to move with his mind, and looked back down muttering,” Not a chance, Sweetheart, I’m still going to beat you.”
Steph laughed, the kind of laugh that starts in one’s stomach and bursts out, unable to be hidden anymore,” You say that every time!”
“And this is the time I’m going to win!” Eddie argued, still focused on his pitiful collection of living pieces,”I can feel it. I know that commander Prival over here will win this for me.”
Steph lifted an unimpressed eyebrow as Eddie pointed at the small pawn that rested a mere two spaces from Steph’s side of the board, headed towards the reclaiming of the queen and directly into the path of Steph’s rook. She watched as Eddie moved the piece up with confidence before leaning back in his chair, smugness positively radiating off of him. Carefully, Steph picked up her rook from where it rested, on the opposite side of the board. Making eye contact with her overzealous partner, she moved in quickly towards the small, defenseless pawn, striking it with enough force to send it skittering towards Eddie, who’s face now bore an expression closer to heart break.
“You’re a monster,” He muttered, staring in disbelief as Steph brutally murdered his last pawn,” How could you just cast him aside like that? After everything he’s worked through? All the progress he’s made since he was a small boy, fresh on the front lines?”
Steph plucked the pawn off the board and dropped it unceremoniously into the pile of dead soldiers,” He has served his purpose and he shall now join his commerads in the final adventure.”
Eddie narrowed his eyes, calculating his next move. Steph settled back in her seat and crossed her arms, knowing she won. The pair stared at each other for another few moments, each waiting to see what the other would do.
“Fucking fine,” Eddie grumbled, flicking his king over and sighing,” And thus ends the long standing reign of the beloved king, Sir Sestine, the fourteenth of his name, bearer of proud arms-”
“Such a sad end,” Steph encouraged, nodding along as she marked another tally mark into the notebook next to her,” And the result of the weekly chess match sends Stephanie into the lead with a whopping 17 wins and 0 losses.”
She placed down her pencil in a matter of fact way, turning towards Eddie with a mischievous glint in her eye,” And now what will her opponent do?”
Eddie pushed himself back from the table and stood up. He stretched before walking slowly towards Steph, who raised an eyebrow in confusion.
“Well unfortunately, Stephanie’s opponent has no other option,” He said stoically,” Than to initiate a sneak attack!”
With this Eddie threw himself towards Steph who shrieked and scrambled to get away. Grabbing her, Eddie hoisted her up into a princess carry and stumbled into the living room before dropping her bodily onto the couch.
“Get off of me, you big bully!” Steph struggled to say through laughter, trying half heartedly to push Eddie’s hands away.
“Never!” He crowed, also laughing as he continued to attack his partner with tickling fingers,” There’s nothing you can do to stop me!”
Steph narrowed her eyes at him and knocked his hands to the side. Eddie’s eyes widened with surprise as he found himself tipping over and falling towards the couch, only to be caught and pulled closer to Steph. Grabbing his face, Steph leaned forwards lightly and placed a light kiss on Eddie’s nose. A bright blush lit up his face and he quickly pushed himself up to his feet.
“Now that,” He muttered, running a hand nervously through his hair,” Is just plain cheating.”
“But you liked it,” Steph smirked, twirling a piece of her hair (which had finally grown out to a comfortable length).
Eddie frowned, as always over exaggerating his features in a way that only Eddie can and still look absolutely ravishing.
“Don’t try to deny it, baby.”
For a few more seconds, Eddie did try to deny it, shaking his head and feigning disgust at the affectionate gesture shown by Steph. However, that only lasted for at max 30 seconds before Eddie deflated, rolling his eyes as he collapsed back onto the couch and tucked his chin into Steph’s neck, already kissing the soft mole-dotted skin. Steph giggled at the sensation and leaned into it, content to let her partner take over. This was comfortable and something she enjoyed. She had always enjoyed kissing or making out with the people she found pretty. It was grounding and a nice relaxing way to show her affection for other people. A make out session that ended in the pair cuddling and watching a movie was truly one of the versions Steph had always thought would make up the perfect evening.
However, there were those people and those times when it had gone farther than Steph would have liked. When the person she was kissing suddenly was moving down or expected her to move down. When she felt as though saying no would ruin everything and the girls she had been comfortable kissing suddenly wanted more, much more. She would do what they wanted to make them happy, because maybe if she made them happy, they would stay. Not that they ever did, but maybe if she had been better, or if she had enjoyed it more. It’s normal to want to go from kissing to fucking, she knows that. It’s normal to want sex, to want to share that intimacy. But Steph wasn’t normal. She was weird, she was wrong.
Eddie must have noticed her spiraling because he detached himself from her neck and was now gently holding her, whispering reassurances into her ear while stroking her cheek.
“It’s okay, sweetheart, I’m here,” he muttered, pulling back and smiling at her.
Steph felt tears welling up in her eyes and she turned away, not wanting to ruin the moment but knowing the damage had already been done.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, tears starting to stream down her face as she tried desperately to rub them away before Eddie saw.
Needless to say, Eddie saw everything.
“Darling, what’s going on? Did I go too far? Can you tell me what I did wrong?” Eddie worried, eyes full of so much concern it made Steph’s heart hurt.
“Y-you didn’t do anything, I’m just broken,” Steph cried between sobs, trying to draw her knees closer to her chest.
“Oh, darling, you’re not broken,” Eddie murmured, applying slight pressure to Steph’s shoulder to send her a quiet message ‘I’m here.’
Unable to say anything else for fear of her voice breaking even more, Steph buried her face into Eddie’s shoulder and wept. She cried for a long time. How long? She couldn’t be sure. She cried because she was scared. People in relationships wanted sex, she knew that. Her first girlfriend had been adamant that Steph was supposed to sleep with the day they had begun their relationship. She knew it was supposed to be enjoyable for her, but she had never had the fun that was supposed to happen. She had only felt gross and used, something she just assumed others felt as well. The thought of Eddie realizing she was different, that she wasn’t going to be able to provide him with the most basic necessities that one was supposed to receive from a relationship. It was difficult enough that she wasn’t even a “real” woman, now she couldn’t even provide her partner with the love he deserves. Because Eddie deserved someone who could give him everything possible, be that sex, time, and an actual functioning brain.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I can’t give you what you need. I’m so fucking sorry,” Steph sobbed into the metallica shirt that she knew Eddie loved. So she was ruining one of his favorite things, which only made her cry harder.
“Darling, what can’t you give me?” Eddie asked, voice pleading as his girlfriend broke down about something he could do seemingly nothing about.
Steph pulled away, eyes full of tears as she searched his face. She was so close to spilling what had to be the worst thing about her.
“I-I can’t tell you, you’ll hate me.”
A shocked look crossed Eddie’s face and he turned to face Steph completely.
“Steph, how could you say that?”
“Because it’s true!” She retaliated,” I’m broken and you’ll hate me when you know why! I can’t tell you! I don’t want you to leave.”
Eddie’s eyebrows unforrowed and a soft, yet slightly sad look settled onto his face as he reached out and wiped Steph’s tears away with his thumb, cupping her cheek.
“Sweetheart,” He said quietly,” There’s nothing you could say or do that would make me hate you. Not even murder.”
There was a pause as Eddie’s brain gears whirred.
“Okay murder with a good reason.”
This drew a watery laugh from Steph, who had stopped crying as hard and was now trying to wipe away the remnants of the tears.
“You’re my partner and it hurts to see you in pain and not know how to help or what is even going on. I’m here for you, Steph, I’m gonna be here for you tonight, tomorrow, and for as long as you will let me. Maybe I can’t always help and maybe I’ll be the problem. Maybe all I can do is hold you and tell you it’ll all be okay even if it won’t. I’m gonna be your number one fan as long as I can and I’m gonna be the one who helps you beat back the demons in your head. I’m going to be right here for you, because I like you and I love you.”
Tears were falling again, but Steph found herself staring directly into Eddie’s eyes, searching for some trace of a lie. Some glimmer of deception or maybe something that would tell her instincts to clam up, to hold this secret inside. Yet, as her eyes roved over his, all she saw was sincerity, pure sincerity that she hadn’t seen in a long time. Steph took a shaky breath and looked down at her hands, fingers already picking at the skin around her lightly painted nails.
“I-I don’t know how to say it,” She admitted,” It’s something I try not to think about.”
Eddie lightly grabbed her hands, stopping the skin picking that would undoubtedly lead to the need of bandages,” That’s okay. All you need to do is try.”
Steph nodded and looked at their joined hands before stating,” I don’t know why people fuck and I don’t like sex.”
She glanced up at Eddie, who looked slightly confused but nodded, signaling her to continue.
“I know what you’re thinking, Eds. Didn’t I used to be “King Steve”? Didn’t I sleep with everyone in highschool? Well, yeah I did, but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it. I’ve never really understood what people thought was attractive about a person. I know when someone is pretty and I know I find people pretty, but “hot” isn’t something I've ever thought about a person. I just didn’t want to say no when they would ask. We would be kissing because I do like kissing people and then the next step is just having sex. That’s natural. That’s normal. I didn’t wanna be different. I wanted to make the girls I slept with happy so that….so that they would stay.”
Eddie was just watching her.
“And I mean sure, it was okay. It wasn’t unbearable and at times it was even, you know, enjoyable, but I never really liked doing it. I’ve always preferred cuddling or watching a movie. I wanted to make sure they were happy and I just….didn’t care enough to tell them that I wasn’t. I was never happy. I’m broken. I’m weird. As per usual,” Steph finished and looked away, not wanting to meet Eddie’s eyes for fear he was disgusted.
Instead, Steph was met with the sound of gentle laughter.
“Well, darling, it sounds like you might be asexual.”
Steph whipped her head back to stare at Eddie, eyes wide and mouth open.
“What’s that?”
Eddie was smiling as he explained,” It means you don’t or rarely find people sexually attractive, Sweetheart. Sometimes asexual people still like sex. Sometimes they don’t like it. Sometimes they just don’t care.”
Steph swallowed, her throat dry,” That’s me. I’m asexual and I don’t like sex. That’s….okay?”
“Of course it’s okay,” Eddie said, pulling Steph back towards him until she was laying against his chest again,”There are lots of asexual people. It’s just who you are, just like you’re a woman, there’s nothing wrong with being you?”
“And you don’t have a problem with it? That I might not ever want to sleep with you?” Steph asked tentatively.
“No, it’s not a problem,” Eddie murmured, running his fingers through Steph’s hair,” If I never sleep with you, I’ll still be a happy man til the day I die. I’m here for you, Love, not for sex.”
Steph felt the tears start up again, except these ones were from happiness. Eddie loved her for her, he wasn’t using her. She snuggled closer into his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat and feeling the rise and fall as he breathed. They stayed like that for a while, simply enjoying each other's presence.
“So,” Eddie whispered in Steph’s ear,” Care for a rematch?”
Steph’s laughter was loud and tinkling, full of happiness.