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Walking up the stairs in the dark in your house was never easy. But it was certainly so much more difficult when you had another person leaning on you with their whole weight, trying to stay as silent as possible.
"Qiu, my mom's gonna wake up! Please be quiet" you pleaded with a worried whisper after your efforts to shush and hush him for a millionth time were met with drunken giggles and Qiu's misplaced finger to his own mouth.
Not that it helped anyway.
For some reason, your best friend made it his main mission to make this unexpected journey as hard as it possibly could be. At least you didn't have that many steps left to take. Then, all you had to do was sneak around your mom's bedroom and have Qiu happily and safely escorted to your own room. Somehow, that part of the plan was the easiest to fulfill, even though Qiu kept the conversation going when you didn't answer him back.
("Oh, I've been here before!" "This is nice" "It's a nice place you have" "Love what you did with the decor" “Wait, where are we going again?”)
At times like these you sometimes wondered why you even bothered to be friends with him in the first place. You should have never picked that paper plane when you moved to Golden Grove. That would save you the precious time for sleep as well as gas money you just had to spend so that you could pick up Qui’s sloshed presence from some spontaneous high-school party just outside of town. In the middle of a school week, mind you. When both of you still had tons of work to complete in classes in the morning.
But then, you remember all the unique ways he managed to worm his way into your life (and heart), and all is forgiven. Like the first time, he walked you to school so you could learn the path. And how he would check up on you during recess so that you wouldn't feel alone. Or that time he helped you reconcile with Tamarack after your first big fight about god-knows-what now. Or any other times you didn't even know you needed him, but he already was there for you. Usually, with open arms, both figuratively and literally.
Yeah, suddenly it wasn't that hard to find it in your heart to forgive him for keeping you waaay past your bedtime. And worrying you with the degree of his intoxication… or how often it seemed to happen in the last past months... But that was a concern (and a conservation-intervention) for another time and day.
Anyway, when the door to your room was finally opened, Qui untangled himself from your hold under his arms and face-planted into the bed's mattress with a big thud. It was almost comical seeing him like this when his everyday persona was so graceful and he usually carried himself with the poise and dignity of a true ballet dancer.
"Wait, first, take off your jacket!” You scolded, not caring about the volume of your voice anymore - soundproofing wall panels installed after you showed your interest in learning how to play piano in elementary school provided you with this great privilege.
"Mmm, don't wanna. 'S cozy."
You sighed deeply. It really was going to be a long night.
"C'mon Qiu, you will get hot," you tried to reason with him.
It definitely wouldn't be too comfortable to sleep in outdoor clothing as thick as the one Qiu had on, although the green trekking jacket with puffy fur hood certainly made for an interesting choice of sleepwear. Qiu mumbled some unrecognizable sounds back as an answer that could be translated only as blatant refusal.
"I'll help you. Up you go, c'mon."
“....fine…”
You leaned over Qiu's starfished body, waiting for him to at least turn over to face you. Just when you were about to give up and let him cook in his sleep, Qiu sat up somewhat wobbly at the edge of the bed, but he didn't look too pleased about it.
You waited for him again to remove the clothes by himself, but after he didn’t move for the next two minutes, it seemed like it was as much cooperation as you were going to get from your friend. So you shook your head and got to work. Mission “strip Qiu off” was on. But it was just his coat, so you don’t know why your hands shook when you started to unfasten the zipper. You must have been more tired than you originally thought.
You were halfway done with the job when you felt a shiver coming from Qiu's body. You recoiled immediately, spooked you were going to get puked at, but fortunately that wasn't the case.
"What's so funny?" You inquired half-irritated, half-curious when the false alarm turned out to be Qiu's noiseless laughter, which eventually grew volume after seeing you reel back so suddenly.
He looked at you with a dopey smile on his lips, with half of his face covered by his long loose hair. It was almost sickening how cute you found him to be at this moment. But you erased that thought from your mind as swiftly as it appeared.
"This. You." He pointed between you and him, making a vague movement with one of his hands. "I feel like a kid."
You smiled back in response. At least you could count on Qiu to make this situation feel less awkward than it seemed in your head.
"That's because you are acting like one."
"'Am not!"
You unzipped the rest of his jacket and pulled it off his arms as quickly as you could.
“Wait, don’t lay down just yet. You still need to take off your boots. And yes, the scarf too, Qiu!”
Maybe you should have told him to leave his shoes before you stepped inside the house, but with everything going on, leaving a wet, dirty path on your floor was the last thing you had on your mind. But it certainly would save you time that you now had to spend on keeping Qiu somewhat steady in his sitting position so that you could untangle his shoelaces.
After wrestling the damn boots off his feet, you were so exhausted you might as well have fallen asleep on the floor you ended up falling to anyway. However, your unpaid babysitting shift didn’t finish yet, so you summoned up the last sparks of energy to stand up.
Qiu was once again lying down on your bed, this time on his back and in adequately warm/thin layers. When he heard you rise to your feet, he moved his head to follow your movement.
"Where are you going?"
"To get water…," you took a long, analyzing look at him. He still looked and sounded drunk, so it couldn't hurt to be prepared for the scare you had earlier. "and a bucket. I'll be back in a minute".
He looked at you as if you had just suggested that you were going to abandon him forever. "NoOo- don't leave” he whined, dragging every vowel. “I don't want to be alone".
"You won't be. I'll be super fast.”
He did not look convinced. Thankfully, drunk Qiu really was just like a kid, so all you had to do was stoop to more persuasive techniques.
"Look, you can time me," and that worked like a charm.
You thought that by the time you were back with everything he would be asleep already, but Qiu being Qiu was just as restless and waiting patiently as the second you had left him.
"You're back!" He looked at you as if he couldn’t believe his luck. You could almost sense the gratitude in the air. “And it wasn’t even that long!”
You shook your head good-heartedly at the tone of awe in his voice.
"Told you I'd be quick," you said, placing a bottle of water on a nearby nightstand. The rest of the emergency equipment aka the puke bucket was placed on the floor beside the bed. After informing Qiu of this special care package you prepared for him and making sure that he was going to be safe and sound till the morning, you turned off the night lamp.
"Have a good night." You said your goodbye as you were making your way back to the door. You were planning on catching some Z's on the couch downstairs before the two of you were going to be forced to survive another day at school (this time even on a harder level than usually). Of course, Qiu was not in agreement with these arrangements.
"You can't sleep there! It's cold," he started to explain when you asked for one logical reason why sleeping in your own living room seemed like such a bad idea to him. It was not going to be cold, there was a fireplace built for that exact reason, but he didn't even let you get a word in as he continued to list his next arguments. "and it's dark, and it's scary." He didn't elaborate any further, instead, he concluded, "so you have to stay here with me. Where I can see you and protect you".
You didn't have it in your heart to explain to him that in his state right now he could barely protect himself from falling down while standing, let alone protect you from whatever possible danger he was imagining you two might encounter inside the house. But as they say, it's the thought that counts. Still, you tried to appeal to his logic again.
"I don't want to sleep on the floor, Qiu. I will get even colder," he looked at you as if you were the one who got drunk that night.
"Why would you sleep on the floor when you have a bed?" You could actually see not only hear the multiple question marks in his tone.
Well, that was true. Additionally, your king-sized mattress was big enough to accommodate both you and Qiu and still leave some space between the two of you. However, that idea didn’t even occur to you before he suggested it. It just felt… Well, you weren't sure yourself what kind of emotion it evoked, so you pushed that thought to the corner of your mind.
"You're drunk. I don't want to sleep here so you can puke at me," you argued half-teasingly, half-truthfully.
It was a plausible explanation. Maybe not the only one; or the main reason why you would rather freeze your butt curled up like a shrimp on a tiny firm couch than lay down for a few hours with eyes closed next to your life-long best friend on a perfectly comfortable bed, but it was still a reason nonetheless.
Qiu’s dramatic persona was however not satisfied with that kind of explanation. He even mustered the energy to sit up again and turn on the small light, so that you could take notice of the whole spectrum of sad face emojis appearing on his real face as he ‘crossed his heart and hoped to die’ that he “ would never do that to you." To sell this act he even touched his heart with both of his hands as if your words offended him gravely.
You sighed again, weighing your options. With everything going on, you figured someone actually ought to stay up and watch out for that fool (at least till he fell asleep). Your mom was an understanding person, sure, but even she would freak out if she saw a drunk teenager stumbling around her house in the middle of the night. Besides, that one "choking on your own vomit in the state of intoxication" video the school made you all watch in health class left you scarred for life - your own and now also Qiu’s. Also, another possible war of words with Qiu at this unreasonable hour of the day/night, where both of you had so little time of sleep left seemed pointless. And yet... this proposal of sleeping together in one bed still stumped you.
"...fine." You agreed reluctantly, swallowing the sudden and unexpected wave of nerves. You took off your coat and let it slide to the floor, next to the pile of Qiu’s outer clothing. At this point, you were too tired and not bothered enough to change into actual pajamas, so you were going to sleep in the random clothes you put on when you had gotten the emergency call from Qiu to pick him up. "Scoot over. And you have to tell me if you feel sick, okay?" you made him promise, as you lifted the cover and got into bed beside him.
Qiu, following your path happily, crawled under the sheets after you. In a grand, chivalrous gesture he passed you one of the big pillows and positioned his own on the right side of the bed to face you. You lay on your side and tucked your hand under the pillow. When you looked back at him, he was still grinning.
"What?" He questioned after a while, his winning smile never leaving. You didn't even realize you were staring at him with no words exchanged between the two of you. You didn't even mean anything by it, it just happened, but it also made you wonder whether you had ever looked at him from such close proximity.
He was still the same Qiu you saw almost every day. With his big dark eyes that always seemed to glisten with mischief and/or bright ideas. With his long dark hair, always partially put in a ponytail but partially let loose from the wind. With his wide bright smile always beckoning you to stick and follow him around. Yet, there was something different about him that made your heart clench and it wasn’t just because of the state of his intoxication.
Qiu must have sensed some of that unvoiced worry because he spoke again.
"I told you I'm o-kay," he assured. "It's just… little shaky, your bed, I mean."
He had to be right at least about that. Because you also felt this little shake when you laid down next to him. You just weren't sure whether it was coming off from the bed itself or your poor little shaky heart that had to withstand all those confusing feelings that came with the fact that you and Qiu were spending the night together. For the first time since like 6th grade. In one bed. Together. So close to each other. Yeah... It totally was the furniture's fault, you had to give him that.
There was another moment of shared silence and maintained eye contact. Again, Qiu was the one to break it.
"Sorry," he apologized in one word, a smile fading from his lips as he turned on his back to look at the ceiling instead. The serious tone of his voice alarmed you enough to know that he was probably not as fine as he was pretending to be. You didn't actually know what he was feeling sorry for. Waking you up in the middle of the night? Forcing you to borrow your mom's car without permission? Letting you see him in such a state that you felt physically sick with worry? It was all long forgiven. And you had to make sure he knew that as well.
"Hey, it's okay. I'm not mad at you or anything like that," you explained softly, leaning towards him on your elbows. Qiu refused to meet your eyes at first, overcome with feelings he obviously was struggling with. But then he chuckled to himself mirthlessly and shaking his head, faced you once more.
"I'm sorry for being like this," he whispered, forcing an almost convincing smile but it was his eyes that couldn't lie. "These shots were stronger than I thought"
You read the pleading to leave this topic alone in the gaze he sent your way. And you were going to follow it, not wanting to abuse his unexpected vulnerability, but only after your following question.
"...are you okay?" And you knew that he knew you weren’t asking about this moment but in a general kind of way. He closed his eyes to avoid your piercing gaze.
"I don't know," he answered truthfully, and you felt a sharp pang in the middle of your chest, "but I will be." He said it like a promise. To you, but mostly to himself.
By now you were so overwhelmed with feelings that it took everything in you not to cry. You felt sad for Qiu and his struggles but mostly you felt guilty for not noticing sooner that something was amiss. However, you also knew Qiu well enough to realize that whatever he was dealing with, he had to overcome it by himself first. That is just how it worked between you. But still, you were one of his best friends and you had to remind him that he could rely on you and your support even if he felt like it wasn’t needed.
With only a moment’s hesitation, you searched for his hand on top of the duvet and covered it with your own. If you couldn’t convey your message through words, gestures were another means of doing it. Later that night, you swore to yourself that the way Qiu’s breath stopped for just a split second was just a figment of your imagination. Nonetheless, he opened his eyes and fixed his gaze on your joined palms.
"You know I'm here for you, right? If ever feel like talking-" He interrupted before you could finish your pledge.
“I know. We will talk,” he squeezed your hand in reassurance, “when I’m ready”.
So there you were. Laying in one bed, half delirious from lack of sleep and emotional overload, still holding hands like it was the most natural and integral part of the conversation you just had. Maybe it wasn’t that weird. You two were lifelong friends and that meant you were no stranger when it came to physical affection. Maybe it just felt different this time, because you didn’t do it that often anymore.
"Thank you, though." Qiu's soft voice drew your attention from your restless thoughts. He moved your linked hands higher, up to the space between the pillows, and laced his fingers through yours. Once he started aimlessly stroking your palm with his thumb, it took you an embarrassing amount of time to focus on what had been said in the first place.
"For what?"
"For taking care of me," he answered, full of gratitude. "You always take care of me. I appreciate it."
You squeezed his hand gently, his comment making your heart feel bigger and bigger. The phrase ‘a drunk mind speaks a sober heart’ appeared in your head almost immediately.
"I'm just returning the favor," you smiled back with one more squeeze. When you glanced up, Qiu looked like he was barely conscious.
However, he still had to be awake, because he whispered, "mm-hmm, you're just that nice. That's why I like you,"
You lay still, his words paralyzing your every movement. You knew Qiu didn't mean it in that way…He couldn’t….Right? No, he did not. He surely didn’t. But your treacherous, hopelessly delusional heart skipped anyway. You really ought to go to the health clinic soon, because there was no way you could have arrhythmia at such a young age.
"-of course, I like you for more reasons, too, but it's a good bonus," he concluded, clueless to the storm of confusion he just caused in your mind.
But it was late and you were not about to lose more sleep to analyze this conversation any longer, so you swallowed down your feelings and answered with all the strength and energy you had left, "...thanks".
You retracted your hand; the touch suddenly felt too hot and cold at the same time.
"Just giving credit where credit's due.”
"Go to sleep Qiu," you half-pleaded, half-ordered, because you had a feeling that if you didn’t stop him, he would try to continue your conversation even in his sleep.
"Mm-hmm. Goodnight."
You turned off the light and listened to his slow-down breathing. At last, it was peaceful.
You weren’t sure whether he would remember the conversation in the morning, but maybe it was for the better.
"Goodnight."