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It started with the little grimances, just a small twitch honestly, at certain words directed to Keegan, that you never would see with his mask on, but now that he practically never wears it outside of missions, Logan could see them. If he's honest with himself, it confuses him a whole lot. The things are nothing bad, not even teases, just normal everyday things that seem to have that reaction on Keegan. Logan wants to ask him, but he knows if he just says one wrong word Keegan won't say anything. That's just the way things are, they might have a good thing going, with recently having started dating, but Keegan still has some problems opening up about some things or shutting off when someone pokes too deep or at something he's not ready for yet. That is all fine, in this line of work, not coming out with everything is often saver, less things that can be used against you. so Logan, as curious, cunfused and concerned he might be about his boyfriends reactions, he decides to wait it out for a good moment, when either Keegan himself comes out with it or he is relaxed enough for Logan deeming it safe enough to ask. Til then Logan stays back and just observes, looking for clues on what might be going on.
He starts noticing more things. Like that when Keegan thinks he's alone in his room or that Logan's still asleep, he'll stare at himself, really just stare into the little mirror he has in his room with that weird look in his eyes, Logan can't place it, but he knows it's not positive. Keegan tries to hide that too, always overplaying it when he sees Logan watching. Turns and smiles at him, banishing that look off of his face. That confuses Logan even more. But apart from the confusion, he is growing more concerned too, because it seems that something is wrong for Keegan and he has no idea what and how to help, but with these things, Keegan's gotta come to him by himself for help. So again, Logan is forced to just wait and see.
There were also a few instances when they were able to go out into town, where Keegan would willingly hang behind a little and just stare at some shop windows with the same or at least similar kind of look. That one was really just confusing.
Logan doesn't know if someone else notices anything, no-one mentions something about Keegan being weird. But then again, Keegan hides his reactions and Logan is the one keeping the closest eye on his boyfriend.
Logan really tried to wait it out, let Keegan come to him, but one evening it got too much. They were sitting in Keegan's room, playing some cards like most evenings. "still good enough to beat my boyfriend at this" Logan chuckles after winning one round and there it was again, the little uncomfortable twitch. Logan's face fell when he realised exactly at which word it happened. "you okay?" of course Keegan would get concerned at the sudden change, Logan nods "better question, are you?" "of course, why wouldn't i?" "because you just practically fliched when i called you my boyfriend" he can see Keegan's eyes widen just a bit for a second at that, before shaking his head. "No, why.." "Keegan, please... don't try to deflect, or anything, i get that there is stuff you don't like talking about and that is fine, so do i, but if this makes you uncomfortable.." Keegan stops him, shaking his head. "no, it's not this.. not us, definetly not, don't think that" Logan lets out a quiet relived sigh at that. "Then what is it? Becuase something is there and don't tell me no, you a, technically admitted it and b, i've seen you make faces or this flinch now, that mean that you didn't like something, but doesn't want the rest to know" Logan tries to keep eyecontact, it's Keegan that looks away from him "it kinda worries me, you know..." he adds quietly. Keegan pointedly does not look at him, just stares at his hands. Logan sighs "You don't have to talk about it now, if you don't want to, i won't make you, just... i don't want to say stuff that makes you uncomfortable, so.. maybe just nod or shake your head, if me calling you 'my boyfriend' makes you uncomfortable, so i know if i should switch to something else" Keegan doesn't react to it, just keeps staring at his hands. Logan nods lightly, dejected. "okay, then.." he knew it was a bad idea, asking stuff before Keegan is ready. He grabs the cards and stands up to put them away. When he turns back, Keegan is still sitting the same way, not moving an inch. Logan sits back down infront of him and softly lays one hand on Keegan's. That seems to snap him out of he head a little and lifts his head a little, though he is looking more past Logan than actually at him "Keegs, it's okay if you don't like certain things, i just wanna know, so i don't accidentally make you uncomfortable or worse, even hurt you with the stuff i say" Keegan nods at that, which relives Logan a bit. "You wanna bench this for now?" Logan strokes over his hands. "Can we?" To Logan it sounded a little desperate, seems like he really doesn't want to open whatever got to him, at all. Logan nods "of course, love" he brings Keegan's hands up to press a soft kiss on them. "I'll be there whenever you're ready to unbench it" "i know" Keegan nods, seemingly a little lighter now, and scoots a little closer. "I love you" he whispers "i love you too, Keegs" Logan smiles and leans forward a little to kiss Keegan. "Sleep? It's getting late" "yeah" Logan nods and both of them moved to lay down and get under the covers. It takes a little for both to fall asleep, the interaction keeping them both in their heads a bit, wondering and worrying about it, Logan about what it could be, that has Keegan bothered so much and Keegan, well, Keegan is worrying that Logan realised something they tried to keep down for so long and what'll happen if they talk, Keegan can't lose Logan, but afraid that might happen after that.
Logan waits, as patiently as he can. It's hard, now that he actually knows that there is something bothering Keegan and something big it seems, but not knowing what or how to help. So he does what he can do, avoids calling Keegan his boyfriend, sticks to "partner" and tries to find out which other words have triggered the twitches. He does realise though that Keegan is now even more on to hiding any reaction, if not to worry Logan more or to keep him from finding out, he doesn't know. Still, Logan waits, a few weeks go by, they run missions like normal, or as normal as it gets with the ghosts and just do their thing, then around a month after that initial conversation, they both are in Keegan's room again (which technically is more their shared room now), when Keegan speaks in a quiet careful tone "It would be very difficult" Logan looks over to him and makes a questioning sound. "what do you mean?" he tries to sound not too confused, but keep as open as possible. "If.. well.." Keegan sighs and starts fiddling with his fingers. Logan moves over to Keegan and crouches in front of him taking Keegan's hands in his. "it's okay, take your time" Keegan nods and takes a deep breath. "i wanna unbench, but it's hard..." Logan nods. "anything i can do to make it easier?" Keegan shrugs "no.. maybe.." "whatever you need" Logan would do anything right now to keep Keegan talking or atleast willing to keep this on the table. "promise to not leave me?" Logan's eyes widen at that, what the hell could be up that Keegan thinks he'd leave him for it? "I would never leave, whatever it is, i promise, i love you, nothing can change that" Keegan lets out shakey breath and nods. "I..." Keegan shakes his head and mumbles something under his breath. Logan just watches and waits for Keegan to find his words. "I'm.. not a guy" Logan nods lightly, a little taken aback by that, whatever he thought Keegan would tell him, it was not that. "not a woman either, not completly though.." Logan waits a moment to see if Keegan adds more before speaking. "okay, alright, that's fine" Logan tries to collect his thoughts as best and fast as possible, Keegan looks at him with a slight hopeful glint in his eyes "you don't mind?" Logan quickly shakes his head "no, of course not" Keegan slowly grows less tense, but Logan could see the start of tears in his... well, her eyes, Logan supposes is more accurate. "It's who you are, and i love you, you're gender doesn't change that" Keegan smiles slightly at him and nods "i love you too" Logan softly squeezes her hands, before moving to sit next to Keegan on the bed. "you can't tell anyone" "I won't Keegs, promise, it's not for me to tell anyway, but i'll be honest i'm glad you trust me enough to tell me" Keegan nods "I was scared to do it, scared you'd leave" Logan shakes his head "you're not getting rid of me that easy" Keegan chuckles quietly "yeah, i guess so" They stay quiet for a moment trying to sort their thoughts, when Logan perks up slightly, a little panicked "i didn't make you come out, with calling you on your reaction?" Keegan looks to him "huh? No, you didn't, don't worry, that was eating me for a while anyway, i hate keeping things from you, you just gave me the missing nudge to actually tell you" "okay, that's good" Logan relaxes a bit again.
"Thinking about it, it explains quite a bit" Keegan looks at him confused "huh?" "Like you being uncomfortable with the term "boyfriend" or that you'd also get that twitch when someone called you man or anything very male connoted" "noticed that too then?" Logan nods "was the first thing i did, couldn't think of a reason though, so i kept looking for anyting that might explain it, but just got more questions than answers" "what did you find?" Keegan sounds somewhere between intrigued and nervous. "that you stare when you think you're alone. Saw you looking at yourself with a look on you i could never place, a few times" "oh..." "That had to do with that too, right?" Keegan nods. "It's weird sometimes, looking in the mirror.. can't really see myself. I mean i know it's me, it's just..." "not what you expected?" Keegan nods "yeah, kinda. I guess it's some kind of dysphoria. The discomfort, the wish to look diffrent..." Logan puts a hand on Keegan's back, stroking over it reasuringly. He's not sure what to say to that and Keegan also doesn't seem too eager to elaborate on it any further. So they sit in silence, Keegan leaning into Logan a little. Logan breaks it after a minute or so. "can i ask you some things?" Keegan nods "if you don't expect an answer to everything" "only answer what you're comfortable with" "that we can do" Logan thinks shortly on what to ask first. "Well, what did you mean by 'not completly a woman either'?" Keegan lets out a quiet amused huff "Starting big.. uhm, how to explain it best? .. Well, technically i'm neither, but i do feel like a woman partly atleast, i guess, sometimes, it's hard to explain.. the term most use for it is Demigirl, i think, if you wanna look it up later" Logan nods along while listening "Okay, that's interesting, and i will take a look into it" Keegan looks a little grateful That Logan just takes her explanation like that and Logan moves on too. "How long have you known?" "since before i joined, not completly with labels and stuff, but i knew that something was off, didn't wanna belive it then and overcompensated" "That's quite some time, did you ever tell someone?" "Ajax knew" of course, if Keegan would've talked to someone, it would've been him. Logan knows they had been close, from the second he saw Keegan cradle Ajax dead body as close as he did that mission, sometimes he wishes to know just how close exactly they were, but that is a theme for another day. "That's good, that you had someone to talk to about it" Keegan nods "and now i do again" Logan smiles "yes, you do, whenever you need to" He presses a soft kis on Keegan's head. "what can i do? To make you more comfortable, like pronouns, terms or, well, maybe name?" "I got no trouble with my name, so that's fine, as for pronouns, can't really change that without the rest knowing and.." "not yet, i know, but when we're out alone, or just with people that don't know us or also just for me?" He points to his head "when i think about you, i can skip the 'he' then, if you want to, just need to know what to replace it with" Keegan looks at him with slight wonder, as if they can't belive that Logan would be this considerate. "I... 'They' is fine, but well.. uhm.." Logan waits a second if Keegan finishes that thought before adding himself "you also like 'she'?" Keegan nods. "Okay, i can do that" Logan hopes he won't slip up a lot, with that, but he sure will try his best. "any terms i should avoid or start using?" "uh..." Keegan looks a little lost at that, so Logan jumps back in trying to help sort out her thoughts. "Like, i would say man is out but is buddy fine?" Keegan snorts lightly "I'm not Riley, but i guess so and yeah, no man or guy" Logan nods. "handsome still fine, or rather not?" Keegan chuckles "That is fine, yeah, though.." she stops herself. "pretty is too?" she nods, blushing just a little. "Okay" Loagn smiles.
They go back and forth like that for a little. Logan tries to remember everything Keegan tells him. "Okay, just one more thing, I know boyfriend is off limits" "partner is just fine" Logan puts one hand on Keegan's cheek "I could also call you my girlfriend" Keegan makes a quiet high pitched noise and the tears that were fought back earlier coming right back. "you'd like that?" Keegan nods and Logan kisses her cheek, mumbling "my pretty girlfriend" that seemed to have been the last push, for the tears to fall, which Logan swiftly wipes away. "sweetheart?" "Just happy, how did i get so lucky?" Logan shakes his head "just doing what everyone should" he kisses their head. Keegan lifts her head and kisses him, which Logan returns. When they pull away keegan pushes her head into Logan's neck, not doing anything just letting it lay there. Logan lets her, gives her the moment to collect herself, stroking over their back softly. "I love you so much" "I love you too, Keegs"
There is a lot more to go through, with trying to make Keegan as comfortable as possible. But this is a good start Logan, supposes. They both will figure the rest out along the way. For now he will just hold his girlfriend and try as much in their own space as he can.