Work Text:
It was dark.
There were no stars in the sky.
Kim Dokja was looking up, remembering a time of scenarios and constant suffering. It was a time of both pain and happiness with his companions. He wondered when the Star Stream would once again show itself.
He looked back at the complex. He finally got some time to himself. The company, especially the kids, didn’t want to leave his side, afraid he’d disappear. It warmed his heart and it made his smiles more genuine.
He turned his gaze back to the starless sky.
But it was also suffocating. He’d spend such a long time alone on the train, it felt strange to once again be surrounded by warm bodies and even warmer smiles. Sometimes it was too much without the Fourth Wall and all he wanted was to hide in some quiet corner.
“Kim Dokja.”
It was a familiar voice.
“Yoo Joonghyuk.” Kim Dokja didn’t move. He didn’t acknowledge the man behind him again.
“What are you doing outside at this time, you fool? Do you want to catch a cold?” Yoo Joonghyuk came closer. His words sounded empty, there wasn’t any annoyance in them or even worry. They were said more for old times’ sake than anything else. Yoo Joonghyuk knew he wouldn’t get sick. Kim Dokja wasn’t even human enough to do that anymore.
Yes, he woke up almost whole, but what was the point, when he wasn’t even…? He could help the kids with their homework, could laugh with Jung Heewon and Lee Hyunsung at Yoo Sangah’s stories. He became Lee Seolhwa’s patient and Han Sooyoung’s editor, her reader once again. He could pretend everything was fine. And Yoo Joonghyuk…
After everything he didn’t know what they were. Were they still companions? Because it wasn’t the same. Yoo Joonghyuk didn’t look at him the same way as before. Now in his eyes there was old desperation and tiredness, but there was also a sort of understanding and resolution. It was a gaze Kim Dokja couldn’t understand.
Why? Why do you look at me like I’m the same Kim Dokja you walked into the subway with? How are you not disgusted when you see my still youthful face, frozen in time as if I’d turned away from my own existence? How do you continue looking at me like I am the only star you need to light your path through the darkness of an endless night?
“Kim Dokja. What unnecessary thoughts are you cooking up in that mind of yours?” Yoo Joonghyuk took another step. If he reached forward, he’d be able to grab Kim Dokja’s neck.
Why do you stay with me every time my eyes glaze over and I go beyond that wall to watch your story?
“Why, I was thinking about you, of course.” Kim Dokja said it in a teasing tone, meant to disguise how honest these words were. Still, he turned around and faced Yoo Joonghyuk. Ah, bathed in moonlight he truly created an ethereal picture. Even having aged so much, your face hasn’t lost its handsomeness. Yoo Joonghyuk continued to observe him.
“As I said, unnecessary… Though, you are smiling.” Kim Dokja hadn’t even realized it, and before he could retort, Yoo Joonghyuk spoke. “What are you doing outside?”
This bastard. He knows exactly what I am doing. He just wants me to admit it.
“I just needed to get out of there.” But without the Forth Wall it was even harder for Kim Dokja to refuse Yoo Joonghyuk anything and the bastard knew it. But maybe… maybe I too wanted to get it off my chest.
Yoo Joonghyuk stood there for a moment, scrutinizing him. Then, he took a step, and a second. “Come with me.” He grabbed Kim Dokja’s wrist and gently dragged him to one of the benches.
“Why are you wearing your coat?” Kim Dokja needed a distraction, so he chose to sate his curiosity.
“It’s cold.” There was something in Yoo Joonghyuk’s tone that told him this wasn’t the whole truth. He took a deep breath as if debating with himself one last time, and look directly into Kim Dokja’s eyes. “And I wanted to see your reaction.”
Maybe it was the moon over them, maybe it was how casually he said it. But Kim Dokja found himself opening his mouth.
“I’m tired.” There was only quiet understanding in Yoo Joonghyuk’s eyes. Something inside Kim Dokja broke and he continued in a whisper. “I’m so tired. Everyone’s just so much. They are trying to pretend nothing happened, but it did.”
Yoo Joonghyuk squeezed his hand but didn’t speak. Kim Dokja didn’t need him to.
“They are trying to pretend I’m the same Kim Dokja, but I’m not.” Yoo Joonghyuk pulled him into his arms. Kim Dokja’s eyes were hot and there was clear liquid dripping down his face. He was crying, he realized.
“I’m not.” It was barely a breath, but Yoo Joonghyuk still heard it.
“You aren’t.” It was the acceptance Kim Dokja needed.
“I have seen so much. I can’t be.” There was pain in Kim Dokja’s voice.
“I understand.” And Yoo Joonghyuk did, didn’t he. When he regained the memories of his previous regressions, how did he feel? How did the others react to the changes in his personality? Did they even notice something had occurred? Right now, Yoo Joonghyuk was the only one who could understand him.
Kim Dokja leaned back. He didn’t look at Yoo Joonghyuk, but his words this time were stronger, clearer.
“I’m tired, Yoo Joonghyuk.” Once again, Yoo Joonghyuk reached for Kim Dokja, but he moved further away from him. “I can’t continue like this.” And this time there was a different admission in his words.
“Kim Dokja, please…” He took a breath. “Don’t leave me again.”
There were many confessions in that sentence. Too many for Kim Dokja, and he stood up ready to go back, if only to avoid confronting Yoo Joonghyuk.
And then Yoo Joonghyuk’s hand shot forward and caught Kim Dokja’s, who tried to wiggle his way out of this situation.
“Kim Dokja, don’t run. Not from me. Not now.” Those words froze Kim Dokja and he let Yoo Joonghyuk pull him down on the bench once again. There was silence between them for a few seconds. Yoo Joonghyuk was quietly watching him, until Kim Dokja cracked and chocked out words he’d buried in the deepest, darkest places of himself.
“I need to leave.” Kim Dokja wasn’t talking about their conversation, and he wasn’t talking about just the complex. Still, Yoo Joonghyuk understood. He leaned his head on Kim Doka’s shoulder, closing his eyes.
“Then, let me come with you.” Kim Dokja was so shocked, he could only form a single word.
“What?” He’d expected anger, protests, he’d expected to be dragged inside and be given to Jung Heewon. He had not expected Yoo Joonghyuk's response. “What are you saying, Yoo Joonghyuk? What about Mia? What about the peaceful mundane days without the Star Stream and the Dokkeabis breathing down your neck? Was this not the ◼️◼️ you wanted?”
I didn’t create your perfect ◼️◼️?
“Mia is old enough to live on her own, and she’ll have the rest of the company with her. As for my desired ◼️◼️, you should already know what I want, Kim Dokja.”
What? What is it? What did I overlook?
“Didn’t I tell you, I want to meet you? Didn’t I wish for the continuity of your existence? I want to be with you, Kim Dokja.” And Kim Dokja just stood there, unable to comprehend Yoo Joonghyuk’s words.
“I-I can’t…” Why me? How can it be me?
“You don’t have to answer right now.”
“No! No, Yoo Joonghyuk, I… I want to leave. With you.” What am I saying? How can I be so selfish?
Yoo Joonghyuk took both of Kim Dokja’s hands in his and looked at him. “Where do you want to go?”
“I want you to choose.” I’d just end up returning to the train.
It's dark.
Yoo Joonghyuk stood up, pulling Kim Dokja with him. “Then, let us go find that 1%.”
There are no stars in the sky.
[Incarnation ‘Yoo Joonghyuk’ has reached his ◼️◼️.]
[Your ◼️◼️ is-
Han Sooyoung returns. Her face is a blank mask, but her hands are shaking, clenched around two matching coats.