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The sunlight shining through the blinds of Sunny’s room had almost completely dissipated by now. He and Kel sat up against the edge of his bed, sitting next to each other while playing a video game on the floor. At this point, both were worn out from the competition. But neither of them were bitter. They matched each other in skill level so every single round was a fair fight, always keeping them on their toes. They loved that about each other. Even if they were doing something that could cause an argument, something they had argued over before, it only made them closer.
Kel leaned onto Sunny after losing the round. “That totally wasn’t my fault, your controller is busted or something!” He put on dramatics, knowing this obvious lie would get on Sunny’s nerves.
Sunny leaned back to balance the weight out so he wouldn’t get crushed. “Don’t blame me.” Sunny smiled and closed his eyes, prideful of his victory. He rested his head on Kel’s shoulder and melted into the familiar way Kel would pull him into a side hug.
For a few moments, they sat like this. Peaceful, still, perfect. Kel loved the familiar feeling of Sunny’s weight sinking onto him. God he loved Sunny. Ever since the day they confessed to each other, there wasn’t a moment that didn’t feel lonely when separated. Kel was rarely ever in his own home anymore. The times he needed to go back pained him. At least being neighbors and such good friends for so long made it so their parents didn’t really question it if he decided to stay over for multiple nights. The only person who’d put up a fuss was Hero, but who cares what he thought?
Kel wrapped his arms around Sunny, pulling him closer onto his lap to get more comfortable. They fit perfectly together, like they were always meant to be this close. In a way, they completed each other. Sunny rested his head on Kel’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. It was steady, but he couldn’t help but notice it was faster than normal. That was to be expected, though. Both boys were nervous, yet excited around each other. They couldn’t even remain in comfortable silence for long. Whenever the room had dead air, one of them would unintentionally fill it with giggling. They just couldn’t stop being happy while together.
Kel’s mind wandered. He couldn’t stop thinking about just how lucky he was to have Sunny in his life. He never wanted to lose Sunny. On the day Kel confessed, he was sure Sunny would reject him. It was the worst day of his life and all he could do was run to Sunny in tears and try to explain what had been happening to him for years. Instead of being called a disgusting, dramatic liar, Sunny believed his story, and reciprocated his love.
As the menu music of the video game droned in the background, Kel lifted Sunny’s chin up to press a soft kiss on his lips. It wasn’t their first kiss, they’d kissed loads of times. They were bound to kiss after 5 months of dating, but every kiss still felt just as warm as the first.
On the bed, Kel’s phone began to buzz. Someone was calling him. Instinctively, he reached to grab it, but Sunny held his hand back instead. “Don’t answer.” His voice was flat. “It’s him.”
Him. Kel cringed. They didn’t even need to say his name anymore. Sunny closed his hand around Kel’s, intertwining their fingers together for comfort. The world outside Sunny’s bedroom didn’t matter. It felt so far away, so detached from the moment they were sharing. Kel nodded, using his other hand to stroke the back of Sunny’s head. They both let out sighs of content, feeling safe in each other's arms.
Being stupid teenagers, even innocent touches like this managed to get them both excited. Kel buried his head into Sunny’s shoulder, taking in the smell of clean laundry that they’d just done earlier in the morning. Being over at Sunny’s so often gave them the chance to do mundane things like that together. A shame that they were probably about to get dirty again. Instead of just running his fingers through Sunny’s hair, he gently pulled it back, exposing his pale skin. Kel playfully nipped at his neck, still being wary to not leave a mark. Even though everyone knew what went on behind doors when a couple is left together, this was still their private moment.
Sunny let out exaggerated heavy breaths. It couldn’t have felt that good, but the noises were arousing to both of them. Soon enough they wouldn’t be faked. They’d be from real pleasure.
While still seated on Kel’s lap, arms draped around his neck, Sunny kissed Kel once more on the lips. Kel had never seen him so bold like this. Normally, he’d be the one to start up PDA or cuddle sessions, but now Sunny was taking the lead. Kel didn’t mind. Even though he was normally the one initiating physical contact, he’d stop escalating things when it started to get serious. Not only did he not want to cross any of Sunny’s personal boundaries, but his chest would tighten and make it hard to breathe whenever things went too far.
Sunny grinded himself down on Kel’s lap. They both gasped at the feeling, but maybe for two different reasons. Kel noticed that he was starting to sweat, and his mouth was dry. That was normal though, he assumed. Being nervous when it looked like they were about to have a ‘first time’ was normal. Sunny felt hot to the touch too. They were both just anxious—no, excited for this.
Right?
Kel was pulled out of his thoughts when Sunny broke the kiss, biting his bottom lip gently before completely separating. “Do you want to?”
They both knew what he was implying. “Y-Yeah, I do.”
Sunny once again rubbed his groin against Kel’s. Both of their erections weren’t very well hidden through their clothes. “Are you sure?”
Kel nodded. He did want this. Regardless of any bad associations or memories he had in his past, this was Sunny. Sunny was ready for it, and if Kel loved him, he should be too. It wasn’t like he was forcing himself to do it, he wanted to! “Please?” He gave a shy smile.
Satisfied with that answer, Sunny sat up straight in Kel’s lap to pull his vest over his head. He tossed it to the side and just before he could start to unbutton his top, Kel grabbed his hands.
“Let me do that.” Sunny blushed, caught off guard by Kel’s offer, but ultimately leaned back to give him the space to unbutton every single button. Kel’s hands shook as they reached for his collar. Were they really gonna do this?
One button undone.
Of course they were. They were dating. Sex is just something that happens to people that date.
Two buttons undone.
Only with people that date. That’s what Kel always thought, and it’s what he always wanted to abide by too.
Three buttons undone.
But life didn’t work out that way. Unexpected things happen, the person Kel thought he could trust ended up not being who he thought he was.
Four buttons undone.
Kel squirmed as he tried to push the memories out of his head. This wasn’t that one winter night in their bedroom, this was a summer afternoon in Sunny’s room.
Five buttons undone.
His breath began to shake. He was hard, they both were. That was a tell-tale sign he was aroused.
Six buttons undone.
So why was he also hard back then on that winter night? It made no sense. Every time he thought about it, his mind would get cloudy.
Seven buttons undone.
Kel hadn’t been able to jerk off properly for years. Every time he tried, that winter night replayed over and over in his head, scaring him out of touching himself. Normally, it would kill his erection too.
Eight buttons undone.
So why the fuck wouldn’t it go away now?
Sunny slipped the now fully undone button-up shirt off his shoulders, a bit bashful at being exposed like this. Kel couldn’t even appreciate his cute boyfriend in front of him. His vision was blurred. All his focus was being spent on thinking about anything he found arousing to distract himself. Playful teasing, inescapable hugs, cuddling together, all things that got Kel excited when he and Sunny did them together.
And every time he thought he was done drowning in the memory, he’d be pulled back down underwater when his brain told him, "hey, remember how he did all those things to you, too?”
“You’re pretty hard…” Sunny hummed, trying to be flirty and turn up the dirty talk. “Was this all because of me?”
Kel couldn’t respond. His voice was caught in his throat. All he could do was stare at Sunny with his mouth agape.
“I like when you’re flustered.” Sunny missed the signals. Kel wasn’t flustered. Well, not just flustered, he was downright terrified. But of what? It was just Sunny. “Here, let me help.” Smirking up at Kel, Sunny began to run his fingers along Kel’s chest, down his stomach, and ultimately, down the front of his shorts.
“DON’T TOUCH ME, HERO!!”
In the blink of an eye, Kel shoved Sunny off of his lap. The only thoughts in his head told him to run, protect himself, and get away. It felt like Hero was going to violate him for the first time again. He scrambled away towards the corner of the bedroom, leaving Sunny confused on the ground.
Kel was convinced he was going to pass out. He was going to die. That tightness in his chest left him unable to breathe no matter how much he was gasping for air. He could feel Hero’s grip on his wrists again. The whispers to stay quiet because their parents were downstairs deafened him from his surroundings. Kel gripped the sides of his head, taking in fistfuls of hair.
“G-God, get off!” He banged his fists against his head. Logically, he knew what was happening, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t feel any less real than the first night Hero decided to start molesting him. What did he even do to drive Hero to do that? “Please… p-please stop!”
Sunny winced as he sat up from the ground, rubbing the pain away from his head. He looked over at Kel, huddled in the corner in the fetal position. For a moment, he didn’t know what to do. His initial instinct was to run over and hug Kel, but he resisted. That was the one thing he knew not to do in this situation. But what was he supposed to do?
Trying to remember everything he’d read about trauma and PTSD in books and online after finding out what his boyfriend had gone through, Sunny crawled over and sat on his knees in front of Kel. “Kel? You can hear me, right?”
Barely. Just barely Kel could hear Sunny through the ringing in his ears. He gulped down air. No matter what he did, all the coping mechanisms he’d learned and taught himself wouldn’t come to mind. Even when he tried to do something simple like list what he could feel, see, smell, taste, and hear, it was all clouded. This was the closest feeling to drowning outside of water Kel had ever felt.
Sunny took a deep breath and kneeled in front of Kel, making sure to stay at eye level and not get too close. “It’s June 12th at… 7:27 pm. I’m Sunny, and you’re at my house.”
Kel looked up from his knees. Everything was still fuzzy, but he could make out the shape of Sunny through the haze and tears.
“You’re having a flashback.” Sunny wanted to freak out right now, he really did, but he needed to remain calm. Showering Kel in love and praise at this moment wouldn’t be smart, especially since Kel confided in Sunny about some of the things Hero would say during those despicable acts. “He can’t hurt you right now. You’re safe. Nothing bad is happening to you at this time.”
All Kel could do was stare at Sunny, wide-eyed while panting. The nausea, the dread, the phantom touches and voices he heard still felt real, but by having Sunny confirm that it wasn’t truly happening, the world stopped moving as fast.
“Do you see me?” Sunny asked, calm but firm.
Kel nodded, trembling in place and trying to focus on Sunny. It felt like Hero’s hands were still trying to drag him underwater, but he could see Sunny.
“Copy the way I breathe, okay?” Mari had taught him this one when they were kids and Sunny would get anxiety attacks. It wasn’t the exact same, but breathing exercises helped him stay grounded. “Breathe in…” Sunny inhaled for five seconds and held it for seven. “… And out.” He exhaled for five more seconds.
Kel couldn’t do it. He physically couldn’t do it. His body wouldn’t let him hold his breath for more than a second.
But… he still tried.
Just trying to do that breathing exercise allowed him to focus on something. Something real, something concrete. His breath. Even if he couldn’t inhale for exactly five seconds, hold his breath for seven, and exhale for five again, he could at least slow down a little bit. Now, instead of breathing in and out for one second each time, he was able to inhale for three seconds, hold for two, and exhale for three. It was enough to silence the ringing in his ears.
“You’re safe.”
Kel slowly lowered his hands from gripping his hair to clutch his chest instead, pulling out stray strands that got caught in his fingers.
Sunny smiled. “Focus on your senses. Tell me what you see and hear.”
“I…” Kel’s throat was dry and scratchy. “I see you.”
Sunny only nodded, prompting him to keep going.
“I see the b-bed, and the blankets, and the chair…” He pointed at everything he could see. It felt pointless to do this, but it was making Sunny happy.
“What about hearing? What do you hear?”
Kel swallowed. “I hear you. I hear…” What were things he should be hearing right now? There wasn’t much going on in the room, but if he thought of the things that might be making noise, he could try to listen out for them. “I hear the wind, I hear the fan, I hear my heartbeat.”
“Try touching your heart.” Sunny placed his own hand on his chest as an example.
“Okay…” The beating slowed down significantly after Kel stopped hyperventilating. It was still pretty fast, but approaching a normal rhythm.
“One last thing.” Sunny interrupted Kel counting each thump of his heart against his chest. “List the things you can feel, okay?”
“I feel…” This was a bit much at this point, wasn’t it? “I feel like this isn’t helping…” Kel laughed a bit under his breath and sniffled. “I mean, this won’t really solve anything, y’know? Those kinds of breathing exercises and grounding techniques just don’t work for me.”
Sunny raised an eyebrow, staring at him incredulously. “It just did, though.”
“Sunny, trust me. Every time I do those dumb breathing exercises I end up—“ Kel paused mid sentence. He pressed his hand up against his heart again. It was beating at a normal rate. His breath was steady again, albeit shaky. Any other time he’d try to do this, he’d either get told to stop being dramatic or would pass out entirely from inconsistent oxygen intake. But now, since Sunny was the one guiding him through the grounding techniques, he was semi-okay. “I’m… did that actually work?”
“Well, where are you? What do you feel?”
“I’m…” Kel felt a bit dumb stating obvious facts. “I’m in Sunny’s house. It's June 12th at 7-somethin’ PM. I’m Kel, you’re Sunny and… I feel…” He knew this would get a bad reaction, but he chuckled a little and hung his head. “I feel pretty stupid for freaking out like that.”
“Don’t.” Sunny reached out to hold Kel’s hand, looking up for permission before touching him. Kel rolled his eyes, smiled, and grabbed Sunny’s hand. “Don’t feel stupid. It’s not your fault.”
“But I feel bad.” It felt like everything Kel and Sunny tried to do together would get ruined by these. Would this seriously happen any time Sunny got too close? What about everything they wanted to do together? How were they supposed to do things all couples did together if Kel couldn’t even handle a little touching? “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“Because!” Kel pulled Sunny back onto his lap, back pressed up against his chest. “I hurt you, all because of stuff you didn’t do.”
Sunny laid back. The weight of his body put Kel at ease. “I really don’t mind. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”
“But I feel bad. We can’t do anything like this.” Kel wrapped his arms around Sunny’s torso. “If… If you wanna break up with me or see other people you can mess around with while dating me, I won’t be mad.”
“I don’t need to do that.” Sunny looked over his shoulder and grinned. “I mean, thanks for the offer, but you’re enough.”
“Sunny, I mean it.” Kel nuzzled his head against Sunny’s shoulder to avoid his gaze. “I feel bad, you deserve to be with someone who can do all that intimate stuff with you.”
“Who cares what I deserve?” Before Kel could protest about Sunny needing to take care of his own needs before worrying about upsetting his boyfriend, he continued speaking. “I want you. You’re the only person I would want to have sex with, sure, but you’re also the only person I want at all. I don’t want anyone else to hold and kiss me like this, or say nice things and tease me, or play games and cuddle with after. I just want you.”
Kel was almost beyond flustered at all those compliments. “Even with all this baggage?” He looked up and chuckled.
Sunny giggled and nuzzled his forehead against Kel’s. “Baggage and all. I mean, you love me with mine, right?”
Kel couldn’t argue with that. Even with both of their issues, trauma, and ‘baggage,’ they had something more important; each other. Kel knew he couldn’t stay at Sunny’s house forever, he’d probably have to go back home tomorrow morning. Back to his house. Back to Hero, the reason for all this.
But right now, they had each other.
Kel had all he needed in his arms, so whatever happened, at least he knew he had a place to run to. A place that always welcomed him. No judgment, no shame, only open arms. A safe space for just the two of them.