Work Text:
Today would have been your 21st birthday.
“Sorger är som sånger. Man övar, kanske blir man bättre.”
And maybe I’ve had to get better at handling the may I miss you, because I do miss you, all the time.
Sometimes it hits me, when I see something that I know you would have liked, and I know I just must tell you about it. For about one hundredth of a second, I can live on that feeling before I remember that I can’t. And every time it happens, when I remember that you really are gone, you die one more time and a part of me always follows you.
I can’t express with words how much I miss you, how unfair it is that you are gone and how I sometimes just can’t accept that I will never see you again. Because the day you left us, the world didn’t just lose a crown prince and a future king. We also lost a brother, a son, a friend, a role model and generally just the best person ever.
I know there have been a few occasions in the last months when you for sure must have smacked my head in frustration from your heaven, cursed me for my actions and decisions. But believe me when I say that I want nothing more than to be a worthy successor to you. That I want nothing more than to make you proud, and I will do anything in my power to keep up the work you have started, even if it sometimes feels overpowering. If I manage to do a tenth of the good work you did, I will have to consider it a success and be happy with it.
There is no greater sorrow than that we won’t be celebrating your birthday with you today, that I will never see you again, that you will never live again. But I will always remember you, think of you every day and always try to make you proud.
I will always try my best to live my life the way you never got the chance to do.
Happy birthday Erik, I love you.
Wilhelm makes the post to his private Instagram account on the morning of the day that would have been Erik’s 21st birthday, the words accompanied by a picture of the two of them from a few years back, both of them laughing. He has asked for it to be posted on his official Instagram page too, but it’s not like he is the one deciding what is being uploaded there. Farima told him she would look into it and promised him that if it kept “the right standard” they would put it on his official account as well, but no promises and Wilhelm isn’t especially hopeful about it.
It’s not like him to feel this strongly about something in his life going viral for literally everyone in the world to see. But this is about Erik.
Their parents and the court will make a statement of their own sometime during the day, about how this would have been Erik’s birthday, about how missed he is by everybody. However, Wilhelm is concerned that that will probably be about the Crown Prince and Wilhelm really wants to emphasize the fact that it’s not just a future king that will never be older than 20, but the fact that Erik actually was a person, a big brother, someone’s favorite person. Because that was what he had been to him, sometimes even Wilhelm’s superhero, and he would never let anyone think anything else.
He uploads the post before he even gets up from bed, still nestled in the warmth coming from under the duvet, and with an ache originated from his heart. The heat is steaming from his own body together with the heat from another person’s. A person who also got his arms embracing Wilhelm’s torso, arms that if Wilhelm got to decide, would never let him go.
Wilhelm tries to make as small movements as possible in the narrow bed in his dorm room at Hillerska to not wake his boyfriend up. Simon still startles beside him when he types on his phone, but with a few stokes from Wilhelm’s hand over Simon’s sleep warm arms he quickly settles and goes back to sleep again. When he does, he also lets out the most adorable noise Wilhelm has ever heard, a mix between a snore and grunt, and Wilhelm wishes he had had his phone set to record, so he could listen to it over and over (and maybe tease Simon about it later).
Just a few months ago this had seemed unattainable, and it sometimes still feels like Wilhelm is walking on clouds and he occasionally still must pinch himself just to make sure it isn’t all just a dream. It hasn’t been easy, getting here, of course it hasn’t. After Wilhelm’s speech where he admitted to having been in the leaked video, it had almost literally been hell for them both for a while, and he would do anything to not having to go through those last months again. Retrospectively (or are they still in the midst of it?) it had obviously all been worth it.
During that time, that couldn’t be described as anything else but a circus, where he himself often had played the part of the clown, he had waited for Simon to give him the look. The No-you-know-what-you-are-not-worth-this-look and Wilhelm had been worried and scared but at least (what he told himself) prepared for when it would come. But not once had Simon looked at him with anything else but pure certainty and yes well, love and that made the insecurity Wilhelm felt increasingly fade away even if he thought the feeling would always be there somewhere in the back of his mind. Because in a way it was inapprehensible, how someone as wonderful and beautiful on both the inside and the outside as Simon, would want to be with someone like him.
But well, now they are here, entangled in each other, like this is how they have always been supposed to be.
Simon doesn’t spend the night in Wilhelm’s room all that often since it technically isn’t allowed, but he knew Erik’s birthday would make Wilhelm mournful and sad and wanted to be there for him from the beginning. And Wilhelm doesn’t complain, not at all actually. He knows Simon will stay another night as well, to be there for him, to hold and to kiss him through the night, and Wilhelm will hold and kiss him back, and be so so grateful for him, will always be.
An official memorial ceremony will be held at the palace later tonight and Wilhelm is obviously welcome to participate. He initially wanted to go and had been indecisive until he at last decided against it. Partly because he didn’t want to miss any school. It was an ordinary Tuesday after all, no classes were cancelled just because it would have been the former Crown Prince’s birthday. And going 2 hours one way back and forth for a 1-hour ceremony just didn’t feel worth it, even if it was about his older brother. Besides, he really wanted to have Simon close by on a day like this and it was painfully obvious he was not invited to come with.
Him and Simon have decided to have their own memorial service in the evening and have invited a few of their closest friends. Wilhelm looks forward to it even though he knows it will be emotional for him, but as long as he has his friends with him, he is sure he will be fine. It just seems like a nice thing to do, to get a chance to talk about and remember his older brother in a safe space.
He knows his parents are also grieving their oldest son, of course they are. Wilhelm has accepted people have different ways to mourn and he lets them do it their way. But he has at the same time a hard time seeing any way they will ever be able to do it together.
Wilhelm’s relationship with his mother is still strained and he can’t do anything but accept that that is how it is right now. He can see that she at least tries now in a way she hasn’t done before, and one day maybe things will be different. Maybe one day she will be able to understand him in a way he needs her to. He isn’t Erik, will never be, doesn’t want to be and if he is going to succeed her one day, he has to do it his own way. Not the Erik way, which would probably suit her better, suit everybody better, but he just can’t do it.
Erik.
There is no point to dwell on what could have been. Wilhelm knows that so well, but he can’t help that’s where his mind wanders, and it feels so easy to just let it consume him, at least on a day like this.
He can see it so clear in front of him. Erik, possibly with a future wife, someone who truly loves Erik for him, not just for being an heir to the throne. They all sit together in one of the great halls in the palace, with a big fire roaring in one of the fireplaces, making sparkly sounds and filtering them all in the very special light that only arise from open flames. In his mind Erik’s children are running around, jumping on the furniture and Kristina trying (and failing) her best to make them stop. Where Ludwig stands with a fond smile beside her and Erik and Wilhelm doing what they can do drive them on, laughing.
The children would have called Wilhelm “uncle Wille” and would have climbed into his lap when they got tired and come to him with their problems they didn’t want to bring up to their parents when they got older. Maybe Wilhelm’s children would be there as well. His and Simon’s. He can barely portray the idea in his mind. It’s too early, they are too young and there are too many things to disentangle and talk about. And he is absolutely not going to voice his thoughts about that particular matter any time soon, not in many years. But it’s titillating in a way that the idea is there somewhere, that he is so sure of Simon, that he knows that he is it for Wilhelm. If there is something he is sure of, it’s that.
It can’t be seen as anything else but the cruel irony of life that his two favorite people in the world never got to properly meet. That their occurrence lines in his life crossed each other in a way that can only be explained with that the architect designing his life must be a real sadist.
Wilhelm is sure Erik would have loved Simon. He knows they would have gotten along, and of course ganged up on him to tease him mercilessly. And Wilhelm would have acted like they had succeeded, but really have had his heart swell up to its double size every time it happened, just from the sensation of having two wonderful people loving him enough to make fun of him. He can picture how Erik would ruffle his hair when they were done and how Simon would end it all with putting a kiss to his lips and saying something like “I clearly picked the wrong brother”, but really mean “I love you.”
Yes, Wilhelm can see it so clear in his mind and everything in him aches for it to be real, every cell in his body begging to turn back time and change what has happened. But it doesn’t matter in the slightest what he wants, how much he wishes for a different outcome. It doesn’t matter how much he doesn’t want Erik to be gone.
But he wants it so much. For himself, for Erik, for everybody. The whole world deserves to have Erik back, it’s as simple as that and nothing will be more unfair than the fact that he won’t turn 21 today.
Simon is starting to move beside him, and Wilhelm is quick to turn around and meet his gaze when he opens his eyes. Dark brown, with sleep still present in every wink, looks back at him and Wilhelm leans closer, their naked chests rubbing against each other, and their noses only centimeters apart. The only things in his vision are the most beautiful eyes he’s ever seen but he can see in the way they crinkle in the corners, that Simon is smiling at him.
“Good morning, how do you feel?” Simon asks, voice raspy.
Wilhelm can’t help but copy that smile and for a moment he forgets about the ache in his heart.
“Good, you?”
Simon doesn’t answer with words, instead he leans in and rubs his nose against Wilhelm’s and it’s so adorable that Wilhelm just has to kiss him right away. Simon giggles a little when he does, but still lets their lips meet and even though it has happened at least a thousand times before by now, it’s still the best thing ever.
When they pull apart Wilhelm sees how something seems to dawn upon Simon, how his eyes for a moment turn more serious, like he realizes what day it is. But before he gets a chance to say anything Wilhelm quickly puts a finger on his lips and slightly shakes his head.
Not yet, he wants to savor this first, relish in the moment they have together before they have to return to reality again.
Simon nods in understanding and Wilhelm can feel his arm tighten around his own body and Simon’s slender fingers on his back. He relishes how they slowly stroke his skin, all the way to his neck, where they stop for a second before they start their journey down his spine again. Simon keeps moving them up and down and it feels so soothing to have Simon’s fingers on him, like the touch is the only thing keeping his skin from catching fire. (There are obviously other times when Wilhelm would never use the term soothing to describe the feeling of Simon’s hands on him, when he rather would want his skin to be on fire, but this is not one of those moment…).
They hear movement and voices in the corridor, the school is starting to wake up and the residents are getting themselves ready to go to breakfast. Wilhelm and Simon however make no effort to remove themselves from the bed. One of Wilhelm’s hands has found its way into Simon’s hair where it aimlessly plays with the soft curls, and they don’t let go of each other’s gaze. Simon’s eyes radiate such warmth and safety that Wilhelm can feel the tears burn behind his eyelids. He can’t believe his own luck, to have meet him in the first place, and how, after everything that has happened, Simon chose to come back to him.
Wilhelm won’t let himself go down that path of thoughts again, at least not today, and he reminds himself that everything that has been is just water under the bridge after all and what’s important is what is to come. He does however have one thought he just can’t seem to fight off.
“I wanted to ask you something…” he says in a whisper and realize he sounds more anxious than he meant to. He doesn’t know where the nervousness comes from; he knows there is no reason to be, but he still is.
“Mhm?” Simon is more awake now and there is a twinkle in his eyes. He looks curiously at Wilhelm.
“I was thinking, the next time we are in Stockholm… would you like to come with me to the grave? Erik’s?”
A brief moment of panic overtakes him when the movement of Simons hands on his back stop. But the feeling washes away as quickly as it came when Simon just smiles at him and resumes his repetitive maneuvering. But this time, when his hands reach Wilhelm’s neck, they stay there and are being used to press their heads closer together. Their lips are brushing against each other when Simon answers him.
“Of course. If you want me to be there.”
Wilhelm just has to kiss him again and quickly seals the few millimeters of space still separating them. A million butterflies, birds and the whole fucking animal kingdom are moving in his chest and stomach.
“I know it will just be a gray stone. But it’s the closest I can get to actually introduce you to each other.” He feels himself tearing up again, the lump in his throat is getting bigger. “Fuck Simon” he as good as sobs out, “he would really have loved you.”
This time however, it’s too overwhelming and he can’t keep the tears at bay anymore. His eyes get watery, his vision blurry. His bottom lip starts to tremble, but he does what he can to keep the tears from falling, you know, old habits and stuff. But Simon notices, because of course he does.
“Hush, oh come here, it’s okay.”
Wilhelm’s nose finds its favorite spot in Simon’s neck and the hold Simon’s got on him tightens. Wilhelm can feel Simon’s lips in his hair and the grief and the crippling sensation of missing just hits him with full force. He will never be able to explain it with words, and right now that’s okay, because right now, with Simon, words aren’t necessary. They just lay there, Simon holding Wilhelm, like he is the most precious thing ever and that just makes Wilhelm want to cry even more. How the hell could he ever be this lucky?
When the worst waves of shock let go of him, he slowly pulls back and once again let his eyes lock with Simon’s. They are looking back at him with mild worry, and Wilhelm yet again falls in love with him, like he has done so many times before. He falls for Simon every day and he will probably keep doing it for the rest of his life.
They know they have to get out of bed at some point. They know they have to leave their little bubble and face reality. Today it will be harder than usual for Wilhelm, but he also knows he will have Simon by his side which will make it all a lot better.
Wilhelm’s phone makes a buzzing noise from where he left it at the edge of the bed. It has been doing that all morning. People reacting to his post, probably sending likes and hearts and comment “Happy birthday Erik”. Wilhelm will read them all later, respond, appreciate them all. But right now he just has to give his boyfriend a kiss. Okay two. Okay three. Okey, he really could be doing this all day.
When they finally move themselves to a sitting position and start looking for their clothes that are scattered across the room and get dressed, Wilhelm can’t help but let his mind wander again. It’s so easy for him to pretend and he can see it so clearly in front in him. How this is just an ordinary birthday. He can picture how they after the school day is over, he and Simon will get in a car which will take them to Stockholm, to the palace. How they would sit next to each other and between them, a birthday present wrapped in a paper of Erik’s favorite color and laced in sparkling gift strings, their hands intertwined in front of it.
He can see how they pull up in the courtyard outside and a bright smiling Erik would already be there waiting for them, too impatient to wait for them to come inside. He can see how Erik first would pull Wilhelm into a bone-crushing hug and would only let him go to do the same to Simon. They would then all go into the palace together, to join their parents and Erik’s friends who would all be there waiting for them. An already set table in one of the great halls, candles, everybody holding a glass to toast and cheer for Erik, before they would sit down by the enormous table and talk and laugh all night long, celebrating.
There is no point to dwell on what could have been, Wilhelm knows that so well. But he can’t help that’s where his mind goes. It would be so easy to pretend all day, to feel the longing and anticipation all day for the upcoming celebration. But it will only bring him more heart ache in the end, so he knows he shouldn’t.
Grateful. Be grateful for the time you got together instead. He is.
Simon’s hand on his own makes him look up. A wordless “Are you ready?” gets through his eyes and Wilhelm nods before grasping it and getting up on his feet to follow him out. But before they leave the room, Wilhelm glances at the frog prince he’s still got sitting on his desk. The frog that has succeeded to escape its glass cage. He can’t help the small, sad, smile on his lips.
He squeezes his boyfriend’s hand harder and briefly tilts his head up towards the roof, towards heaven and thinks to himself; Happy birthday Erik, I love you.