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Steve blinked, blinked again, and looked around as if the answer to explain what was in front of him would be on the hallway walls. Glancing behind him to check if anyone was having him on, S.H.I.E.L.D's sterile hallway was empty. Clearing his throat, he took a few hesitant steps forward and studied the old wood desk in front of Level 5's records room.
There was a bright red apple with a perfect bite-sized chunk missing out of it, a wooden container holding wood pencils, a purple ruler in the shape of a giraffe, a black stapler, what looked like a paper log for checking out files, and a shiny call bell that a sign made out of bright yellow construction paper taped to the front of the desk requested he ring for service. A sharp letter opener laid in a pile of wood dust that was presumably from the letters carved into the right corner of the desk. He tilted his head and saw the letters spelled, 'douche canoe'.
Shuffling and glancing around again, Steve slowly reached out and hesitantly rung the bell. There was a muffled call from behind the closed door of the records room informing him whoever it was heard the bell and really, he didn't know why he was so startled by that. Shoving his hands in his pockets, Steve tried to come to terms with this whole situation. Was this a new regulation Fury forgot to mention in his memos? Were there desks like this in front of every records room or was it just for Level Five records?
The heavy automatic door slid open and Steve almost swallowed his tongue. Darcy sauntered out in a long sleeved white dress shirt that was unbuttoned to an almost indecent point and was tucked into a black knee length skin tight skirt, bright red high heels to match her lips, her glasses were cat-like in their shape, and her hair up in a messy bun held in place by two pencils. She smiled brightly at him and smoothly settled into the chair behind the desk, flipping open the file log to a clean page. "Hey there cap," she purred, looking up at Steve through her eyelashes.
Steve coughed and felt a blush burn the tips of his ears as his mouth opened and closed, his mind too overloaded by the visual of her to speak. He took his hands out of his pockets and gestured at the picture she made in disbelief. She arched an eyebrow at his hands and he shoved them right back into his pockets, realizing how silly he looked. Taking a deep breath, he tried for a smile and asked, "Darcy, what are you doing?"
Darcy grinned and adjusted her glasses with her fingers, her nails the same red as her shoes and lipstick, and gestured grandly at her desk and the records room before saying, "I am Level Five's Records Librarian today. Just ask for the files you need, fill out the checkout log, and I'll bring them right to you Blue Eyes."
There were so many questions he wanted to ask concerning this entire situation, but all that came out was, "Why just today?"
She pulled out a desk calendar from a drawer and pointed with the purple giraffe ruler at the date where she'd written in a bright blue glittery ink, 'National School Librarian Day'. Nodding as if that cleared everything up because it really did in connection to Darcy, he picked up a pencil and started filling out the checkout log.
Darcy slid the book back towards herself and scanned his writing before nodding and giving him a surprisingly professional smile. "I'll be right back with those files sir," she assured in a wholly earnest voice that the task didn't call for. She flounced through the records room door after unlocking the iris biometric lock and pressing her thumb in the second scanner, the door closing behind her with a soft snick.
"Captain Roggers!" The rough voice from behind Steve made him startle and turn around with a guilty expression, even though he hadn't done anything wrong. Director Fury was marching down the hallway towards Steve, his black leather coat billowing behind him dramatically as if to emphasize his irritation.
"Director," Steve acknowledge, ignoring the surreal setup behind him.
"Care to tell me what the hell this bullshit is?" Fury demanded, not in the mood to be subtle. Steve didn't even think Fury could be subtle and that's why he had Agent Coulson as his left hand.
"Umm, I'm not entirely sure myself..." Steve was spared from having to explain as the records door slid open and Darcy came out with a small stack of files.
Darcy froze for a split second, her eyes wide, then her face fell into cool professional lines and she smiled pleasantly. Looking at Steve, she held out the files from behind her desk and completely ignored the looming shadow behind his shoulder. "Here you are Captain. Double-check them to make sure they're the ones you requested and then sign your name on the log before you leave please," she said, never once losing that professional smile, but her eyes seemed to be screaming just a little.
Valiantly swallowing a laugh, Steve took the files and smiled back just as pleasantly, studiously ignoring the Director's growl. He nodded as he scanned through the files, signed his name on the log, and put the pencil back into the wooden container. "Thank you, Miss. Lewis, they're all correct," he calmly said, his tone thankful.
"I'm glad to be of help Mr. Roggers. Please return them by the end of the work day and remember not to take them off the premises. Have a good day now," she warmly replied, smoothing her skirt to sit behind her desk, looking every bit the sexy librarian.
"You as we-"
"Are you all insane!? Nevermind, of course you are. Lewis, why the hell are you playing secretary for the file room and is that my stapler?" Fury exploded, interrupting Steve and striding around him to point at the stapler and glare menacingly down at Darcy. "My assistant has been swamped all morning by calls from agents complaining that their office supplies went missing, and Agent Pickellow in Human Resources swears his desk disappeared. I'm a busy man Lewis, and I don't need your fucking bullshit taking up my lunch time!"
Darcy gulped, panicked eyes flicking towards Steve, before rallying and straitening in her chair. "I'll have you know I'm playing librarian Director and I'm actually doing you a favor. Agents are always complaining about how they can never find the files they need in this records room, so I decided to provide my awesome organization skills and fix the problem. You're welcome. Also, Agent Pickellow is a useless misogynist and a sexual predator. He actually grabbed my boob the other day and asked to see how they looked when I bounced on top of him. After I kicked Prickellow in the balls and asked him to show me how they bounced when I kicked them again, I reported the incident and was told Prickellow was just like that and to ignore or avoid him.
"I don't know what kind of show you're running here, but you can imagine my anger and the injustice I felt when I received that response. So, I may have taken his desk and borrowed your stapler in revenge. If it makes you feel any better, I was going to return the stapler at the end of the day after I broke his desk into little pieces and lit it on fire. I am sorry about your lunch, though," Darcy rapidly said, getting more agitated with each word until she finished with a seemingly sincere apology.
Steve was appalled at this Agent Pickellow's behavior and couldn't believe he wasn't reprimanded or fired from treating his co-workers like that. He knew sexism was still alive and flourishing in some places, especially in a male-dominated field like S.H.I.E.L.D, but Pickellow's actions went far beyond anything he'd seen here so far. Somehow, Darcy being told to just ignore that kind of behavior by the supervisor she reported it to was almost more disturbing.
Director Fury blinked slowly, rocked back on his heels, and studied Darcy closely. "Who did you report the incident to?" He question in a voice Steve recognized as his interrogation voice.
"The head of Human Resources, Agent Fredrik. And really, Human Resources is there partly so that agents can submit any complaints, but if they're the ones causing the problem, the complaint is dismissed and they close ranks. It's ridiculous and someone really needs to monitor them once in a while," Darcy ranted slightly, the residual frustration from the experience breaking through to show on her face.
Fury didn't express any kind of reaction to that and just continued on with his questioning. "You said you organized all the files in this record room. Is there a guide to where they're each located?"
"Yes, it's taped on the shelf to the right of door when you walk in."
"How did you get the desk out of Agent Pickellow's office and down six floors without anyone noticing?"
"I'll never tell."
"How did you get into my office?"
"I'll never admit to that ever happening, so I couldn't tell you."
"Don't think I didn't notice you did this at least halfway because it's National School Librarian Day. I believe we had a discussion about national holidays not being an acceptable excuse when you charged five hundred dollars to a S.H.I.E.L.D charge card for peanut butter and jelly doughnuts on National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day," Fury said in reprimand.
"Well, it's also National Tell A Lie Day, but I figured S.H.I.E.L.D had that covered, so this was the next best option. Just be thankful I didn't try to outdo S.H.I.E.L.D's ability to lie. I considered convincing every S.H.I.E.L.D agent that today was your birthday and you were expecting each one of them to pay fealty before the end of the day. This day could be so much worse for you really," Darcy sniffed regally, as if Fury should thank her for her restraint.
Fury grunted, his lips twitching, nodding in acknowledgment of that last comment. Darcy was very talented when it came to convincing anyone to believe whatever she wanted them to believe. He would bet almost all of the agents that didn't personally know Darcy would have shown up. "You will return this desk to Human Resources by the end of the day Lewis," Fury commanded, and continued speaking right over her protests, "and you'll be in the conference room in the HR department tomorrow morning at six for a disciplinary hearing."
While leaning against the wall, Steve's head snapped up from the file he'd been reading while enjoying their verbal sparring and furrowed his eyebrows. Darcy getting punished while the other agent wasn't didn't seem right. Darcy apparently agreed.
"Really? You're going to punish me while that douche canoe gets away with sexually harassing everything with breasts!?" She demanded in outrage, standing stiffly from her chair to slam her hands on the desk and lean into Fury's space. "That's bullshit!"
The Director didn't even twitch in response to her aggression, his face held in placid unamused lines as he drawled, "Agent Pickellow's disciplinary hearing."
Steve and both Darcy both looked sheepish at having jumped to the wrong conclusion, and Darcy's aggressive stance relaxed into a chastised one. She grasped her hands together behind her back and looked up at Fury through her eyelashes innocently, sending him an apologetic smile. "Yes, Sir," she replied meekly.
Fury snorted and glowered at her, not buying the act for a second. "Next time you're overcome with the desire to organize files, ask permission. And stop stealing," he commanded, grabbed his stapler, and turned with a flourish of his coat, stalking back down the hallway.
Steve and Darcy were quiet until Fury turned a corner and the sound of his footsteps faded away. In the sudden silence Darcy's relieved sigh was unusually loud and Steve couldn't stop the laugh that bubbled out at how she seemed to bonelessly sink into her chair, her head thumping against the top of the desk.
"You're one of a kind, doll," Steve said fondly in response to the questioning sound she made into the desk.
She picked up her head and set her chin on folded arms with a coy smile and a mischievous gleam in her eyes. "You flirting with me soldier?" she asked with a flutter of her eyelashes.
Steve spluttered and fumbled with the files as he almost dropped them, pink splashing across his cheeks. "N-no," he denied, blaming his embarrassing stuttering on the abruptness of the question.
"You wanna be?" Darcy tempted with a slightly wicked grin. Her voice was teasing and flippant, but her eyes were serious and cautiously hopeful.
He swallowed, paused, thought about it, and plucking up his courage he nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I think I do," Steve murmured. Walking to stand in front of her temporary desk, he smiled down at her slightly and his smile grew into a grin when she smiled back at him, a becoming blush dusting her cheeks. "Would you like to get coffee sometime Miss Lewis?"
Darcy's heart fluttered ridiculously in her chest and she couldn't stop the silly grin that split her lips, a perfect match to his stupidly goofy grin. "Yeah, I'd like that Steve."