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Companions. Partners. Compatriots. Family.
It had taken a long time for Caleb to let in the other members of the Mighty Nein. Even Veth, whom he had had a semblance of trust with before meeting the others, he had kept a distance away. At the time, it didn't feel right to have others around him. It had been self-serving, using others for his own protection and as a means of earning coin to avoid starvation.
But the months wore on, and they truly got to know one another. Whether willingly or forced by circumstances, their pasts and old wounds were brought out to bare. They had relied on each other, protected one another, travelled to the very ends of Wildemount for each other. Little by little, he let himself fall in love with each of them.
He knew it wouldn't last. Either by tragedy or the onward passage of time, he would lose them too.
It was with bittersweetness that the Mighty Nein went their separate ways. It was mutually agreed upon, parting on good terms. But now that they were no longer actively in danger from Astral cities or powerful and obsessive mages, their goals were no longer in alignment.
Immediately after they had apprehended Ikithon, Caduceus remained in the Blooming Grove with his family to rebuild their temple. From the way he spoke, he intended to stay for a long time to help restore his home.
After Ikithon's trial and the persecution of Beauregard's father, their new lives laid before them, the rest began to wander down their chosen paths.
Jester went with Fjord, taking the Nein Heroez out to open seas. Kingsley had joined them, attracted to the notion of perhaps becoming a pirate should the opportunity come upon him.
Of course, Veth was settled with her family in Nicodranas, opening a new shop with Yeza and intent on training youths in skills required for adventuring and survival.
Caleb and Beauregard had a shared goal: to find the rot and corruption in the Cerberus Assembly and cut it out. It would take years, probably decades. It was a worthy endeavor, and it would take a lot of work. But he and Beau were determined and stubborn people, fueled with the fresh proof that it can be done.
Yasha would stay with Beauregard in Zadash, staying close to Beauregard's preferred center of Cobalt Soul knowledge. Caleb would stay in Rexxentrum, close to the Assembly itself.
Caduceus and Veth had their families. Fjord and Jester had one another, Kingsley in tow. And Beau had Yasha.
Caleb was genuinely happy for all of them, that they had found people to belong to. He accepted his own solitude easily. Ever since he promised his familiar that he would let him go, he knew that it was inevitable. He was content.
At least, that was what he told himself as he purchased a small house in Rexxentrum. It made sense to do so if he was going to stay here long term to work in tandem with Beauregard, doubly so if he did eventually decide to teach at the Academy. She and Yasha had come with him to buy said house, gifting him a pot full of colorful flowers and wrapped with an absurdly large blue bow.
At the end of the evening, he drew a teleportation circle for the two of them to return to the Cobalt Soul in Zadash, and for the first time ever, he stood was alone in his home.
His home.
Alone with the silence, Caleb just stared at the pot of flowers, the only bit of color in the sparsely furnished house. It had come with simple wooden furniture necessary for the barest of living. There were no other indications that a person lived here.
A sense of dread was creeping up his back and over his shoulders. His hands were trembling, his heart pounding loudly in his ears, and the rate of his breathing was slowly increasing.
He hasn't had a home in seventeen years. The closest semblance to one he had had since was his family, the one he had found and forged, and now that one was gone too.
His parents' screams were beginning to echo in the back of his mind.
The bow was the same color as Beauregard's vestiges.
He could teleport down to Zadash, even though they had just spent the entire day getting him set up with this new house. Or he could go to Nicodranas and see Veth. None of them would turn him away. They would understand, and that made him even more nauseous. This was ridiculous. He had been alone for two minutes and thirty-two seconds, and he was falling apart over a damned house.
(It was about the same size, with a big enough plot that he could grow green beans if he wanted...)
The screams got louder.
Bile flooded his mouth, and his body lurched forward as he vomited onto the floor. His body continued to heave even after his stomach was empty, pain wracking through his body with each retch.
I am a disgusting person.
Tears were dripping down onto the floor besides his mess. They continued down his cheeks as he shakily sat back on his heels and wiped his mouth.
No. He wasn't going to bother his friends over something as trivial as a panic attack. After everything they've gone through, especially everything they had gone through because of him, they deserve a bit of peace and happiness. Besides, he wasn't sure he could handle seeing his friends right now. Beauregard and Yasha were both generous with their terms of endearment for one another, even when they weren't actively flirting with one another. And at this hour at night, Veth was likely either sleeping or sleeping.
Caleb wouldn't be able to stand it right now, the small reminders that they had their own people. He knew the rest of the Nein loved him and considered him family, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't enough.
He immediately slapped himself across the face. He took deep heaving breaths, slapping himself again as he felt sick with shame. Wasn't enough? Of course it was enough, it was more than enough, especially for the likes of him. He should be grateful.
He is grateful, for everything his friends have done for him, for helping him, saving him. Even after they knew, even after they had been hurt because of him, even after he had put their families in danger, even after he had gotten her son killed...
He was heaving again, but there was nothing left to throw up. His mouth tasted of bile and ash, the smell of burned and charred flesh filling his nostrils.
Distantly, he was aware that he was spiraling. It's been a while since it had been this bad. In each their own ways, the others had learned how to pull him out of it, at least partially. Even in the early days, it could have been as simple as Nott holding his hand or leaning against his side.
But now she was Veth, and Veth had a husband and child. Finally together again, settled and happy.
Caleb dug his nails into the scars on his arms, craving the sharp pain. Before the Mighty Nein, before Nott, there had only been one way for him to focus and survive. First, there was pain. Once it brought clarity, his mind scrambled to desperately cling to a single thought:
I can fix this.
And as it had before, the thought brought his spiral to a halting stop. His plan. His perfect plan.
He reached up to grasp at the amber hanging around his neck. So many of the pieces were already in place. There was really only one piece left, buried deep in the ruins of Aeor.
"Perhaps, if we survive this, we can return and... exchange theories."
They others could settle because their missions were done, but not Caleb. He has had one singular goal ever since the clouds were lifted. There may have been distractions, and he might have larger ambitions taking on the Cerberus Assembly. But he would not be able to truly focus on that monstrous task until he knew that his parents had been saved.
Caleb closed his eyes and took a deep breath as fresh determination filled him. There were concrete steps to make, things to do. Everything was fine when there was a plan in place.
First he needed to contact Essek. He deliberately waited until he had fully calmed down from his panic attack, making sure he could speak without any sort of waver or other tell. Essek was an insightful individual, and even over just an auditory message, Caleb did not want him to think anything was amiss. Because there wasn't anything amiss. He was just following up on a promise they had made to one another.
Once he was calm, he began to cast the spell. There was a small smile on his face as he waved his hands through the air, threading the necessary the somatics. It had been a chaotic process to learn this spell, Jester trying to figure out how to convert Artagan's inherent fey powers into an arcane formula that Caleb could wrap his head around. It had worked out in the end, and it was comforting to know that he could reach out to his friends no matter where they were.
He put the copper wire to his lips. "Essek, I find I have some free time. Would you be interested in joining me at Eiselcross to dive back into the ruins?"
It's barely two seconds before there is a response.
"I would love to, friend. However you make your ways northward, I will be waiting at the Foren outpost."
Tension in his chest suddenly unwound at the sound of the drow's voice. The immediacy of the response, how genuinely pleased he sounded about diving back into the ruins...
He's missed Essek. They have not seen one another since the day they took Ikithon down, and he was more alone than even Caleb was. It would be good for both of them to see one another again.
And so, despite the late hour and mess he had made in his new house, he prepared to leave.