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Did they forget? Did she arrive too early? Oh no, ohnoohnoohnoohnoohnoohno—
Bocchi paced back and forth on the concrete pavement as her usual anxiety struck once again like lightning attracted to a metal pole. Her mind racing almost as fast as her heart beat like thunder in a storm, she grabbed ahold of her cellphone again to check LOINE for the umpteenth time in the past five minutes. It didn't help that the girl was already nervous about the whole meetup to begin with. The results were the same, no messages. She sent one to Nijika not that long ago but it wasn't even on read yet, her mind couldn't help but automatically target to the worst possible outcome.
What if they left me behind? What if I was so unimportant to them that they just forgot about me and left me behind as nothing more than dead weight?
"AH!" Bocchi felt her back straighten up along with the hair on her body like a cat as she jumped at the conversation of nearby civilians heading her way, sporadically Bocchi jumped out of the way of the passerby party and like a bug she gravitated towards the nearest trashcan, the enclosed dark space giving her comfort. "Maybe I should just sit here and die instead..." Just like that Hitori had accepted her fate, the fate of forever being alone, and as punishment she starved herself until death came for her...
The End.
"Bocchi-chan~!" Credits stopped as she returned to life and shot up to the rim of the trashcan, peering her head back into reality, "Oh, Nijika!" A startled Bocchi whipped her head to the sudden chipper tune of her bandmate, her smile somehow more noticeable and distracting than the sun beaming down on her face from her point of view. Nijika ended up giggling at the scenario she saw Bocchi get herself in, "What are you doing in there, Bocchi-chan?" The girl's cheeks started to heat up as she slowly started to retreat back into her grave, "Uh....uhm..." Before she could respond another monotone voice joined in, "You weren't going to die on us, were you? And if so can I have your guitar." Bocchi peered back up at a less enthusiastic blue haired bassist. "Stop that." Nijika made a sudden attack on the back of Ryo's head with a slap. "That hurt." A tear fell down Ryo's cheek making a frustrated Nijika respond. "You barely flinched!"
"Sorry...I was just waiting for y'all and got a bit overwhelmed. I thought you might've left me for a much hotter, more extroverted girl..." Bocchi formed the mental image of the two of them huddling around the depiction of a ideal girl according to the internet, "Were so glad we left Bocchi for a much more outgoing girl like you!" "Hmph!" While a crying Bocchi in the background was screaming out to them, yet all hope was lost, "I can be hot too! Please come back!". "We'd never do that! Right, Ryo?"
"Hmm...How hot are we talking?"
"Uhm...Like Chun-Li hot?"
"Sorry, Bocchi-chan, you will have to find new bandmates I'm afraid."
"Will you two stop that!"
This time both of the girls got hit at the back of their heads. In unison they both spoke out, "Sorry, Nijika-senpai." Speaking of extroverted girls, Hitori kept looking around but she couldn't help but noticed one of her bandmates were missing from the group, noticing Bocchi's awareness Nijika spoke out to the pink hair, "Something the matter, Bocchi-chan?"
"Where's Kita-chan?"
"Ah! She couldn't make it sadly, she had other plans with some school friends.”
"Oh..."
Bocchi couldn't tell if she felt relieved or not after this fact, while Kita was very overwhelming for Bocchi to be around with her nearly perfect socialism skills she couldn't deny her Kit-aura would've helped a lot more in a situation like the one she was about to endure. Nijika clapped her hands together to bring everyone's attention to her, "Welp, we can't mope around about a missing bandmate! The show must go on, right? So how about we head to it before it gets late!" Ryo threw a fist up in the air, "Whooo." Bocchi just nodded along, even if her anxiety did get in the way today at least she had her two bandmates alongside her.
With that in mind Bocchi felt a newfound enthusiasm build up inside her, she felt herself glow as she transformed into her extroverted personality, rising up from her grave and coming out anew, Nijika and Ryo covered their eyes from the sudden bright light emitting from the trashcan as a confident Bocchi arose, now fueled by the power of friendship and togetherness, "Let's do this! We got this team!!'
<•>
Bocchi's confidence shattered after the first store. Not only did she forget about her fear of employees she also found out that because she never picked out her own outfits before this moment she had no clue what she actually liked and didn't, by the time she was even considering buying one outfit Nijika and Ryo were already at the checkout line, not that it mattered anyways cause Bocchi couldn't even bring herself to take a step into the changing booth. She felt ashamed and like dead weight to the others, she couldn't even do this simple task right! Maybe it would've been better if she just lied, said she had a fever and stayed home playing on her Swotch, retreating to the online world of video games was always better than this horrid reality she was forced to deal with. In the end she just decided to grab a random article of clothing from the bargain selection and just roll with it, "Th-This one please!"
After walking out the store alongside Nijika and Ryo Nijika piped in, "What'd you buy, Bocchi?" Bocchi started to sweat bullets, afraid to pull out the piece from her bag, "Uhm...erm..." She slowly started to bring out the piece of clothing from the baggage, revealing a black shirt with big white text going down it, "EAT, SLEEP, GAME, REPEAT" Loud silence seperated the three, all Bocchi could feel was her cheeks turning scarlet from embarrassment. "Hmm...It's very Bocchi of you." Ryo tuned in, a reluctant Nijika also started to back up Ryo's previous claim in an attempt to reassure the pink haired guitarist, "Y-Yeah, it's very Bocchi of you! I'm not one to judge...hehe." She felt cracks start to form as one by one parts of her started to fall and before long shattered as pieces of her fell to the floor, "AHHH BOCCHI SHATTERED! RYO HELP ME PIECE HER BACK TOGETHER!" Ryo clasped her hands together in a prayer, “Rest in pieces, Bocchi-chan” Immediately after her pray she started snickering at her own pun, “HELP ME?!"
After a lot of superglue and tedious picking we are proud to announce, Bocchi:Remastered! “A-Am I back to normal now?” The two looked at Bocchi then back at one another, giving each other weird looks then back at Bocchi, “I think we put one of her eyes lower than the other” Nijika snapped with her fingers, “Oh yeah! Hold still for a sec Bocchi.”
After the incident the group were running quickly out of time, causing a shift in direction. Nijika had gathered everyone around for a mini-band meeting to introduce her new idea, “New plan team!” Nijika spoke up, bringing attention to herself once more, “We’re going to have to speedrun these next stores!”
”S-So like a boss rush?!” Bocchi spoke up, her mind immediately turning to video games and making up another scenario of the three of them all dressed up like RPG heroes, with Bocchi having iconic spiky hair and a greatsword laying on her shoulder and down her back as they stared up to a group of threatening monsters before them. “Uh, yeah!” Nijika trying not to ruin Bocchi’s excitement decided to play it off for now.
”Do we need to do a montage? I have a boom box exactly for this moment.” Ryo brings out a boom box from thin air and places it down between the three of them, a buildup to a cliché, upbeat, inspirational training montage song started to play only for it to be quickly shut down by the drummer of the group. “No, no, none of that is needed. Where the hell were you hiding this anyways?”
”I’ve been keeping it incase I needed it for a occasion such as this, I've waiting my whole life for this moment.” Ryo said, sparkles starting to twinkle from her eyes filling her with determination.
”Well you’re going to have to keep waiting.”
Her determination faded, another tear fell down Ryo’s face, “You’re so mean, Nijika-chan, look, you made me shed my second teardrop ever.” She grabbed her water bottle and put it up to her eyes, "I'm going to have to cherish it to remember this depressing day in the history of Ryo's life, maybe I'll even put it in the Ryo museum."
”Stop being so dramatic!”
Bocchi’s eyes sat and watched the banter between her two bandmates, seeing how fluent they were able to interact with each other made her feel left out, she wonder if she would ever be able to freely speak out like that one day, the idea that she wouldn't gloomed her, but she promised herself she'd change for the band, she can't just accept defeat that easily. But for the time being all she felt like she could do is sit and watch. The two of them stood up as Ryo started to march forward down the district, “Onward.” Nijika was about to follow behind before stopping in her tracks, turning to a balled up Bocchi and sat down in front of her. “You good, Bocchi-chan.” Bocchi looked up to Nijika’s comforting aura, she never noticed it before but Nijika always had a warm aura to her, kind of like a mother in a way. “Y-Yeah, sorry. I’m probably really acting like dead weight to y’all, aren’t I?” Nijika quickly shut down the allegations, “Of course not! After all, I did plan this all out for you! But…If you want to go do something else I won’t stop you, ‘kay?” Bocchi stared in thought before shaking her head in response, “No, I think I want to continue. Even if it’s kind of weird for me to pick out outfits for myself I want to try.” Nijika gave off that usual warm smile once more, standing up, and reaching her hand out to the girl, “Let’s go then! Hehe!” Bocchi nodded as she took Nijika’s hand into her own as they started their second round of shopping.
<•>
The second round of shopping wasn’t exactly as big of a disaster as the first round, though it was definitely far from perfect, some might even say it was a little less than mediocre. In the end Bocchi managed to get out with some new sets of clothing, even if they weren’t ideal to say the least. Of course the anxiety of having to deal with social workers didn’t go away, to combat it Nijika came up with the idea of Ryo and her creating some sort of force field with their bodies to protect Bocchi from any outer aura emitted from nearby employees coming up to ask them about their experience.
Sunset was about to begin as a trio of tired girls sat down on the pavement letting out exhausted sighs, it's been a few hours since they started shopping and all the carrying and walking left them sore. They each had large plastic bags surrounding them, all filled with various clothing they picked out and purchased. “I think that was pretty successful! I got a really cute sundress I can’t wait to try out later. What about you, Ryo?”
”Hmm…I got some new shirts and pants, I’m thinking of trying out a new combo, one of which spawning from my own genius of vast fashion design knowledge." Her aura was disgustingly covered in ego, she was basically swimming in it.
”Where’d this weird, newfound interest in fashion come from all of a sudden?!”
Ignoring Ryo's gloating the drummer’s head turned to Hitori who could feel her heart start to pound as she stared into her eyes. “What about you, Bocchi-chan? What’d you get, I really wanna see!” Ryo nodded behind her, curiosity getting the better of her as well. “J-Just some dresses and stuff of the sort. Y-You probably wouldn’t want to see! They’re not my proudest picks, after all ha-hahahahaha.” Kill me. “Don’t be ridiculous, I’d love to! Now let’s see here.” Nijika quickly grabbed one of the white bags before Bocchi could grasp it away from her clutch, she felt her heart pounding like thunder now in her chest repeatedly.
”Hmm…Let’s see…We have a pink tracksuit! Oh, and here we have…a pink tracksuit! And then in here we have another pink tracksuit! And in this last bag we have…”
Nijika’s head turned to Bocchi slowly, her warm aura Bocchi was boasting so much about was now starting to pick up, instead of feeling like the warmth of the sun started to feel more like the fiery pits of Hell burning away at her skin! “Bocchi, you do remember why we came here, right?” Even her voice took a total 180! Hitori slammed down to a dogeza position as she rambled on for forgiveness, “I’m sorry! Imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimsorry.“ Nijika just sighed, “Ryo, stay here. I’m going to go somewhere with Bocchi-chan for awhile. Come on Bocchi!”
Bocchi felt Nijika’s hard grip on her wrist as she was pulled away against her will, her body dragging across the cold-hard ground, “NOOOOO! RYO HELP ME! HEEELLLLPPPP!! DON'T LET HER TAKE ME!” Bocchi’s calls for help were all for not as a ignorant Ryo just sighed and turned her head away, partaking herself in another prayer, “See you in the afterlife, Bocchi-chan.”
“So what kind of clothing are you looking for, Bocchi-chan?”
A dazed Bocchi stood beside Nijika, droll dripping down the corner of her mouth and her eyes looking like that of a corpse, oh look, there's even some flies gravitating towards her body. How nice. “Hello, Bocchi-chan~? Earth to Bocchi?” Bocchi jumped straight up, “Huh?! What? What day is it?!” She looked around and then her senses come back to her all at once. She realizes Nijika's question and makes an attempt to answer, “Uh…Uhm…I-I don’t really…know.”
”That’s fine! Just look around, if anything catches your attention we can just try it on!”
Bocchi’s heart skipped a beat when she said that, she was afraid of something like that happening, for some reason or another that she couldn’t explain at this moment, maybe it’d be best if she just picked out a random dress that looked alright. But the idea of lying to Nijika about this pained Bocchi too much, she didn’t want all of Nijika’s efforts to make her go shopping with them go to waste, she’d feel eternal guilt for the rest of her life if that was the case.
“Oh, how about this one!”
Bocchi eyes followed Nijika's pointer finger, she couldn’t deny that the dress she chose wasn’t pretty, in all honestly part of her actually lit up a bit when she saw it, it seemed comfortable in a way she couldn’t describe. But isn’t something like that too cute for me? “Come on, let’s try it!” What if it doesn’t look right, what if it looks weird? “Bocchi?” Why can’t I just go home.
“O-Okay.”
After asking for some directions the two made their way into a changing booth, it was quite spacious so they didn’t feel too cramped when they went in together, but then both being in there did the worse to Bocchi’s anxiety. She held the dress Nijika picked in her hands, taking deep breaths as she stared at it again, it was really pretty now that she looked at it some more.
”Can you…uhm…” Hitori got flustered as she tried to find the words to say in order to not make this situation uncomfortable for the both of them.
”Hmm? Oh, yeah! Sorry, sorry, I’ll turn around so don’t worry!”
Luckily it seems Nijika got the hint and spun herself around, planting her palms over her eyes, “Just tell me when.” Bocchi reluctantly started to undress out of her skirt and track jacket, placing them onto the nearby hangers as she put on the dress, white covered her vision for a second then she found her way out, revealing her reflection in the mirror infront of her.
The dress Nijika picked out was a long white one, the waist was tied up by a white ribbon and the sleeves on it were transparent with frills covering the ends of it, they were also present at the end of the skirt. The rims of the skirt and the sleeves had two lines running across them, one was light blue and the other pink, the ones on the ends of the sleeves also matched the pattern printed onto the sleeves, which were tiny hearts scattered down it which consisted of the same blue and pink colors. The colors reminded her of something all too familiar to her, and she wondered if Nijika really did that as a coincidence or not, but the thought that she didn’t filled her with anxiousness. “I-I’m done.”
She ran her hands down the dress, feeling the silky smooth texture along her fingertips, it looked pretty, and seeing it on her made her feel pretty, yet…Why does it feel so wrong? ”Oh my god Bocchi-chan. You look amazing! Don’t you think so too?” She wanted to respond to the drummer’s compliments, she wanted try to at least nod, but her body wouldn’t let her as it started to get overwhelmed with way too many emotions weighing down on the girl, sinking her further into a ocean of despair. She felt her knuckles bundle up into the silky skirt, ruining it's beauty by making wrinkles into it. But maybe it was already ruined being placed on my body. So many emotions were bundling up and she didn’t know whether or not they were good or bad. At one side she felt happy, she felt so happy seeing her look so pretty, but the other had to wonder, was she enough for this? Does she deserve to wear something so pretty? “B-Bocchi…Are you crying?”
She felt something roll down her cheek, she couldn’t help but think of how pathetic she must look like in Nijika’s eyes now, after all, to her she was a normal girl, and no normal girl reacts like this when they wear a dress, no normal girl has to take pills in order to look feminine because they weren't born right. She could feel her cheeks heat up just from the embarrassment alone. Why did she act like this now? Was it because now she could see herself wearing it? She didn’t really act like this when she wore her mother’s clothing in front of the others, or when she wore a maid dress for the school festival. Sure, those times were a little different than now, back then she didn’t think much of it, while as now it felt more sentimental seeing her like this. This was something she wanted, something she asked for, yet this is her reaction to it. “You know what, forget it! If you don’t like it we don’t have to buy it, okay? In fact, let’s just forget about this and go get some ice cream!” Bocchi shook her head swiftly side to side, trying not to give Nijika the wrong idea. “I-I do! I really like it I swear!” She managed to get out, her voice being deafened by the noise of her sobbing, her voice cracking and sounding like a out of tune guitar. Nijika looked confused, though also sympathetic, “Then why are you crying?”
She couldn’t respond, she just felt herself freeze in place. She pondered that question herself. “I-I don’t know! It’s just—It’s all too much for me, I’m sorry! I just don’t want you to see me like a—like I’m not normal!”
She felt her mind start to spin and her vision blurry, her entire brain felt like it was being deep fried as she retreated to the ground, balling herself down onto the ground as she just sat there trying to hide herself away from everything, she didn’t even realize it until now but her heartbeat was so loud, she wasn’t even sure if any outside noise was still audible to her. Alongside that her breathing was also uneven and short, she had to fight herself to even maintain it.
Nijika pressed a hand onto Hitori’s head, gently pushing her palm down the soft texture of her hair. “Ssshhh, it’s ok, let it out I’m here. I’m here for you, Bocchi-chan. Remember to breathe.” She started to croon to the distressed girl in a light harmony, it was soft, and warm. It reminded her of a harmony she heard when she was younger, back when things were simpler in a way, back when she first voiced her concerns to her parents about her gender, despite feeling scared she managed to explain to them, explain how she didn’t feel like a boy, how she had fascinations of being a girl, or how she usually gravitated to more "girly" things, and how she felt confused and distraught when they started to separate kids by genders, eventually resulting in her first mental breakdown, and she remembered her parents giving caring responses, showing her love and support and showered her in affection and acceptance, taking her to therapists and people who understood people like her, even helping her decide on her name, "Hitori". Back then all things were happier, because she built a fragile bubble around herself filled with ignorance. It wasn’t until she discovered the internet and met likeminded people like her where she also found herself finding the truth of it all, she realized how hateful people can truly be to people like her, and while it wasn't all negative, that didn't stop the negativity from getting the better of her. It was like a double edged sword, and Bocchi let the sharper side cut her deep, imprinting itself onto her and popping that frail bubble and instead build walls of stone around her, built up from her own dysphoria and anxiety, all the worse parts of her everywhere she looked.
It’s gotten better since middle school, she didn’t stay in her room and sleep for days on end, maybe even weeks, and while there other small changes, like how she managed to grow her hair out again, and how she switched her gray tracksuit with a pink one, hell she even gained the courage to finally go out in a skirt again in areas that wasn't school and not feel ashamed. But did it all even matter? She thought it did, but this moment really shows that she’s not ready for anything bigger than that yet, and it made her feel sad, was she really never going to go further than this? Would she never be able to actually go out into society with a pretty dress like this on her? She didn’t know what to feel or even how to feel, she just felt it.
“I’ll buy the dress for you, ‘kay? You don’t even have to worry about wearing it until you’re ready.”
She started to grasp her environment again, everything turning back to normal as the noisy static in her head died down. She got the courage to meet Nijika eye-to-eye again, her sentimental smile still there throughout it all. The sight made her realize something, yet despite it all she managed to push through, she pushed through the struggles of middle school and even now she had people still surrounding her, people who would support her and had already helped her get out of her hermit shell this far. Why should she stop here when she could be close to the finish line?
”I-“
She had to try, if not at least make an attempt to make it better, if not can she ever say she’s progressed? Can she ever say that she made it any further since then? Or that she even tried to?
”I think I’d like that.” Even if in the end she felt like it was the littlest effort she could provide, it was effort nonetheless.
A sudden knock at the door made the two shot up, "You okay in there? I heard some shouting and I wanted to check up on you." It was the employee they asked for directions earlier, seems like Bocchi's breakdown was loud enough to be heard from the outside, drawing some attention. "Uh--Y-yeah! No need to worry about me! I'll be out soon!'
"Ah-okay! Just come out when you're ready, okay?"
Bocchi felt like she could die any minute now, but also hearing someone so concerned for her made her feel a slight gleam of happiness from inside. After a quick change in clothes she prolonged a stare back into the dress, the tear stains started to fade out but where still visible, she just hoped they wouldn't ask about it when they would go to checkout. "You ready now?" She turned over to Nijika, turning around to glance at the guitarist. "Yeah, I am. Thank you, a-a lot actually." She just smiled in response, "We're friends, don't mention it!"
Friends. Yeah, that is what they were, but it didn't make it sting any less for some reason.
She shook her head, her hands making contact with her face as she attempted to slap sense back into her, none of that mattered now. Think positive, Bocchi! Positive! Don't act like a sea flea now!
She followed Nijika out of the room, returning back to the outside world.
<•>
Her eyes never left the dress. Even as it was placed into another white plastic bag and went with the rest she still couldn’t stop herself from staring at it. She was just happy that she actually ended up getting it, and Nijika even said she didn’t have to pay her back later which made the girl relieved, she was worried that she’d fall into a pit of debt forever and would have to take up a sketchy deal promising to get rid of her debt in one night if she boarded a mysterious ship. But of course something like that wouldn’t happen anywhere besides fiction. Right?
”Thanks for the dress. You really didn’t have to pay for it, y’know.”
”Of course I did! After all that you went through wearing it I’d feel horrible if I just left you to buy it! After all, this benefits me too y’know.”
She raised her eyebrow at that last part. “Whenever you finally gain the courage to wear it I just know you’ll show off that cute smile you always like to hide.”
”C-Cute?!” Cute. She just called her smile cute. Hitori’s head started to spin at the praise. She said I was cute. Cutecutecutecutecutecutecutecutecute—
“Uhh Bocchi are you alright?” She rested her hand on Hitori’s shoulder and quickly retreated it after feeling the sudden heat emitting from her body. “B-Bocchi?! You’re heating up! H-Hold on I’ll get something!”
Leaving the scene Nijika grabbed a conventionally plot-placed water bucket and splashed it onto her, sparks started to fly out of the guitarist. “[BOCCHI.EXE STOPPED RESPONDING. RESTARTING SYSTEM]. 𝓐𝓱, 𝓱𝓮𝓵𝓵𝓸 𝓝𝓲𝓳𝓲𝓴𝓪-𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷! 𝓝𝓲𝓬𝓮 𝔀𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻 𝔀𝓮’𝓻𝓮 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓷𝓰, 𝓲𝓼𝓷’𝓽 𝓲𝓽?“
”Why’d you change font?!”
”Ahh-“
Hitori felt her back hit against the brick wall, slouching down, eyes still fixated on the plastic bag. “Oh Bocchi-chan, look!” Nijika felt bad just watching her friend mope around so instead she tried to lighten the mood a bit and close the space of silence that was separating them.
”Hmm?” Hitori could feel Nijika’s hand pushing her hair up then tying it up with something. “There! Look Bocchi-chan!” Handing the guitarist her phone Bocchi saw her reflection through the camera app she pulled up. Her hair pulled up to make a bushy ponytail, tying it all together was a big silky yellow string.
“And here!” Nijika undid he hairbands making her own ponytail and replaced it with a pink silky string like the one she just put in Bocchi’s hair. “I have pink for Bocchi-chan, and you have yellow for me! Hehe.”
Hitori’s eyes lit up, her heart felt like it was skipping beats for some reason, she couldn’t stop fixating on Nijika’s smile, her face, her eyes, was she always this pretty? For some reason she wanted to run her hand across her face and…No, no. Calm down your ego, Bocchi. The thought was disrupted by Bocchi’s own inner monologue as Nijika pulled her phone out of her hands.
”Now then, let’s see what Ryo’s doing!”
Bocchi couldn’t help noticing that the air around Nijika suddenly changed after hearing a notification sound, she felt on edge for some reason.
”A-Actually how about we sit down? I’m sure Ryo will notice us eventually!”
”Oh, y-yeah!”
This was weird. Bocchi can’t remember the last time she’s seen Nijika like this, she was still playing off her enthusiasm but it felt forced. What did that text from Ryo say exactly?
Eventually the two found themselves a nice bench, the view from it right in front of a lake and a clear view of the sunset. They both never realized how late it has gotten since they first arrived.
The awkward silence that separated them was back again, neither of the two striking up any sort of conversation with each other, until Hitori could hear Nijika take a loud breath.
”D-Do you want to talk about it?”
”H-Huh?”
She acted surprised but she knew exactly what she was talking about, she just didn’t want to acknowledge it, fear building up inside her. “If you don’t that’s fine! But, I want to know you’re okay. I mean—You seemed okay so I’m sure you are! But…I just want to be sure, y’know? I don’t want you to suffer Bocchi-chan.”
She sat there in thought for awhile, unable to think of anything to say. She wanted to respond, or at least she think she wanted to, but she was so bad with words she couldn’t come up with anything that she felt like truly got her emotions out there.
She took a deep breath in, trying to relax herself. The best way Bocchi could express herself was if she just started talking and continued, it was a strange technique, sure, but it worked out for her in the end. “I-When I was younger I was always so focused on being feminine. I didn’t want people to see me—like a boy—like I was weird, or strange. I didn’t want people to see me anymore of an outlier than they already did. A-And I don’t want that with you, either. I already have a hard time accepting myself, I’m still not sure if I even do, but I really want to try.” She tried to hold back the tears she knew were building up, “I don’t want you to see me like that, I-I don’t want any of you to see me like that. I-I just want to be enough for y’all.”
She felt a warm hand overlapping her own, the sudden change almost made her jump.
”You are, Bocchi-chan. Even if you don’t think so just yet I do. And I’ll prove to you that you can believe that yourself with due time. You just have to trust me! Your hero Nijika-chan is here for you!”
She wanted to respond with something, anything, but for some reason the moment just didn’t feel right. She appreciate Nijika’s words, a lot, but just saying a simple ‘Thank you’ didn’t quite feel like enough.
”Can I kiss you?”
”Wh-Whaaa?!”
Bocchi almost fell off the bench, the suggestion was so out of nowhere and uncharacteristic of the drummer, it seemed she also realized this, eyes widening as she quickly slap her hand over her mouth.
”I-I’m so sorry! Was that too direct?! Oh god that was probably so inappropriate for me to ask. Just forget it! Hahahaha!”
”N-No.”
”Huh?”
She didn’t know why, but that felt right to her, if she didn’t feel like thanking Nijika was enough then this definitely would be!
“I-I accept.”
Hitori didn’t know Nijika could get so flustered, her face probably as red as hers, her facial expression still frozen in shock. “Y-You sure?”
A swift nod, “I want this.”
Nothing more was said between the two, just actions were used for them to interact with each other. Nijika ran her hand down Hitori’s face, starring deep into her eyes. “Your heartbeat is so loud, Bocchi-chan. Is this your first kiss?” She reluctantly nodded, “Well, it’s mine too so I won’t judge.” Why was she so surprised by that? It was probably natural, but to her was so surprising, especially because of how sweet and warm Nijika was to be around. How nice her smile was to see after a long day, making her heart flutter. The way her voice chirped in just the right tune, making her head spin and drowning her ears in comfort. How she seemed genuinely interested in helping others out and get them to their goal.
Nijika started to move herself closer to Bocchi’s face, she jolted a little bit at first but started to calm herself down, letting what was about to happen just happen naturally. She then felt it, Nijika’s lips clashing into her own. Hitori felt herself get lost in it. It was like everything happy unraveling at once inside of her, like a bundle of fireworks all going off at once, like finally getting down that guitar riff you were having so much trouble with, or finally being able to appreciate all the smaller things in life, it was like all good things bundled up into one. It felt like…happiness. It was weird to describe it like that, but this was genuine happiness, not the fake happiness she was so used too. She wondered when was the last time she ever even felt something like this, sure there been more and more common occurrences every passing day thanks to the help of Kessoku band, but this was on a whole different level, this felt nice. Even though it only lasted a few seconds when Nijika pulled herself away it felt like eternity, and yet she still found herself yearning for it to feel like it lasted longer.
”Nijika—I—“
She paused, trying to find the right words to say.
"I don't want you to think I'm weird. I just want you to love me."
She laughed, "Already done silly!"
A weird feeling started to creep up her cheeks, it kind of hurt, but it made her feel nice. "See! There it is!" Bocchi blinked in surprise, "H-Huh?" Hitori followed the drummer's pointer finger, pointing towards her mouth, "Your smile! Your smile is so big right now! It's really cute!"
"I-I-Uhh..." She started to fidget, unable to properly voice her response, for now she supposed all she could bring herself to say is, “…Thanks.” Despite being flustered her smile didn’t fade, but rather kept itself visible on her face, maybe she should try to smile more.
”…Ryo isn’t coming back, is she?” Bocchi inquired, noticing no sight of the blue hair bassist.
“Probably not, she probably went home without us, or passed out somewhere. Maybe we should just head home without her.”
Hitori wanted to ask Nijika about the text from her, but she knew the answer to what was in it already, after all that question she proposed was way to out of character for it to be her own idea.
The two finally got up from the bench, the sunset basically over as black started to fill the sky above. It was really late, and both girls were really tired, the aching that they would feel tomorrow would be terrible. Not to mention the talk both of them would probably have to their guardians, Hitori never really left her house for this long so she wasn’t too sure if her parents would approve of this or not.
”Bocchi-chan?”
Nijika noticed Bocchi stopping in her steps, staring out to Nijika, her eyes looked deep in thought. “Are you sure about this?”
”Hmm?”
”I’m sorry. But I just can’t shake the feeling of if I’m not enough to you. I know we only kissed and didn’t talk about it yet…But if you really want to go further with this…What if I’m not enough? What if I’m not enough of a girl for you. What if no matter how hard I try I’m just…Not enough.”
She stared at her for a second, then she just smiled back as if to tell Bocchi it was all okay, her face covered in sincerity, “Bocchi-chan…If you keep on worrying about if you’re enough or not you won’t even feel like you’re enough! If you ask me, I think you being you is just enough to be enough! So keep on being you, Bocchi! For the both of us, okay?”
”That’s the thing! I-I don’t know what’s me. I don’t even know what I want to be, so how am I supposed to do that for you?”
”Then…I’ll wait. I’ll wait until you do know, then you can show me the real you, the real Bocchi. And I’ll still love that Bocchi no more or less than you, but maybe you’ll love her more. But for now don’t stress yourself out. You did more than enough today. For now, just focus on being the you you are right now.”
”B-But!”
Nijika cut her off, wrapping her hands around Bocchi's, ”Just go home and rest, okay?”
She nodded, ”O-Okay…I-I will.”
She just smiled back, unwrapping her hands she turning around and sprinted off into the distance, Hitori didn’t even try to follow behind, she knew she didn’t have the energy for it, but she still couldn’t leave it like that, after all of today.
”Nijika!” She shouted out with all her heart, in hopes to reach out to the blonde hair once more. She saw her slow down and turn around.
”I-I promise I’ll find the real me! I-I’ll find the real Bocchi and when I do I’ll show you her, all of her! And after that I’ll make her smile a lot! So you can see her cute smile everyday!”
She didn’t say a word back, only stood there with the same smirk and turned around and continued her long walk back home. Hitori was just left there by herself, in her own thoughts. All she could do now was look up at the starry sky above and tell herself,
I’m glad I went through with today.
<•>
Bocchi stared back at her reflection. Running her hands down the silky texture of the white dress she purchased just yesterday. This time she didn’t feel any grief or anxiety popping up, instead she had a fuzzy, warm feeling invading her body. The happy memories from yesterday night sewed itself into the soft material and left a sweet taste in the girl’s mouth.
”The real me…” She ran her hand down the mirror. She still didn’t quite know what that meant, but this felt like a positive step towards that goal. The thought of it made her start to think back to her middle school days.
She could almost feel the presence of her middle school self behind her, curled up on the floor with her back against the wall, her eye bags visible and dried tears clinging to her face. She could imagine a glass wall separating the two, despite being right next to each other they had no awareness of one another, even the two sides atmosphere were totally different, yet they were one of a same, and neither of them could deny that. “Would she be proud of me?” She pondered on it for awhile, but she wholeheartedly thinks she would, and that made her smile.
”I promise I’ll be the real me...for you, for me, and for Nijika.”
She felt happy right now. Even if she knew that this wasn’t enough to reach that goal, even if she knew she would have to put way more effort to truly understand herself and climb over the walls she tried to do so long ago, right now she was happy with it, and that was ok, cause for now that’s…