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Tom Simons was just 14 when he found out about bisexuality.
Before then, he had never understood romance.
When he was in Grade 6, Tommy didn't understand why everyone started dating, especially at 10-11 years old. He honestly didn't see the appeal.
But that didn't stop him from ending up in a relationship with a girl named Patty. Don't get him wrong, she was pretty, but they were 11 for fucks sake. Tommy eventually ended it with Patty, much to her dismay. It didn't even take a year or two before she spread lies about their breakup. It was then Tommy declared he was done with relationships.
But then he reconnected with an old friend, Zara, she was just so great, and they were quite close. Eventually, Tommy thought he had caught feelings for her and worked up the guts to ask her out, which she greatly accepted. They spent every weekend together; he even met her parents and siblings. It was fun while it lasted, which was unbearably long for him, but they ended it mutually.
Tommy couldn't get over the fact that both times, it just felt like friendship with extra steps. Weren't couples meant to kiss and shit? He wasn't really interested in that though, thinking about it felt icky. He didn't know what was wrong with him, why didn't he love his past girlfriends?
It was then that Tommy found out about the LGBTQ+ community, and so he started reading about it because it was honestly just so interesting to him. He read about lesbians and thought nothing of it, but then he read about being gay, and it honestly threw him to the curb. Was he gay? Is that why he didn't have feelings for all those girls? But surely not, he still found girls pretty, so he couldn't be.
Tommy went to sleep that night extremely confused but chose to ignore his paranoia about his sexuality. He put it up to age, he was simply too young to know how he felt towards anyone. And his parents had said it'd get better as he got older, so he believed them.
It wasn't until two weeks later that Tommy had remembered he never finished reading that website, having shut his laptop after just the first two letters. So he decided to keep reading, and as he got to the third letter, he froze.
'Bisexual is a sexual orientation encompassing sexual attraction to multiple genders and/or sexes.'
Tommy bit his bottom lip to hold in his smile, he had just discovered what was wrong with him! No, not wrong, definitely not wrong, many others felt this way. He finally had a word to describe him, he was bisexual. That's why he didn't prefer one gender other the other, he liked them all.
Tommy never considered coming out, knowing his parents were supportive and wouldn't care if he brought home a man, woman, or they. So he simply never told them. He didn't tell anyone, not even his closest friends; Eryn and Freddie. Tommy was tempted to ask his mum to buy him the bisexual pride flag, the colours were so pretty together, but he decided against it. He didn't need to come out. He lived in a time when it was perfectly normal to be queer, he shouldn't have to do a big coming out speech.
Tommy was 16 when he read about pansexuality.
He had read the basics about the LGBTQ+ community and knew he would need that knowledge for when he streamed, as his viewers tended to come out in his donos. He was truly happy for them, always welcoming them to the boys or simply saying "lesbian rights." But then someone mentioned a sexuality he hadn't heard of, so he googled it.
" And of course I wasn't gonna let him beat the great TommyInnit-" He paused as he heard the donation come in, looking over at his second monitor, "Oh! KrizzmaKat69, thank you for the dono. You just came out as pansexual to your family?" Tommy looked at the words with an obviously confused face, "What's that? Hang on-" He flicked open a Google tab and typed in 'Pansexual.'
'Pansexuality is the sexual attraction toward people regardless of their sex or gender identity.'
Oh.
OH-
That meant something to him. Tommy reread it a few times before remembering he was still streaming and quickly looked back to his face cam.
"Congrats on coming out, man! I'm very proud of you all."
When he ended his stream an hour later, Tommy went back to the tab he never closed. He decided to research more about pansexuality, and after multiple hours at his computer, he switched it off. Maybe this explained why he didn't care about others' looks. He liked their personality over their sex. That made sense. Tommy, now older than he was last time, obviously gave it a few weeks to process, and did amounts of research, before coming to the conclusion that he was pansexual. He still felt no need to come out, even to his best friends and partners.
A few of his friends were queer, just like him. Some were out publicly, some only to a few friends. And yet it still didn't feel right coming out to any of them, even to his parents. Tommy had stopped telling his parents about his relationships, and he assumed they didn't care that he wasn't bringing anyone home.
He had his first boyfriend, Caleb, a while ago. He felt giddy about it the first few months, he was dating a guy! But then the feeling faded. It still felt like a friendship with extra steps.
He experimented kissing with another boy he liked, Alex, but he couldn't decipher how he felt. It probably didn't help that Alex found a partner just a week later.
Tommy ended up in another relationship with a sweet girl he met at school, Jace, and it definitely sent him into a few panicked Discord calls with Wilbur. The man just told Tommy to go for it, and so, he did. Tommy hated that it still felt like a friendship with extra steps. He felt like an awful boyfriend, a terrible person. He eventually ended it with Jace, feeling terrible and feeling like he was leading her own.
One random night, Tommy randomly bought two small pride flags on Amazon; a bisexual flag, and a pansexual flag. He kept them on his desk, not mentioning or showing them to anyone. Still not his parents, or his pseudo-brother.
Tommy was 18 when he heard about asexuality.
He was just hanging out with Sapnap, Quackity, and Karl on the Dream SMP, running around and having some fun. Tommy was strip-mining as the other three men were continuously flirting with each other.
"Come join me in bed, babe."
"Make space for me, bozos."
"We can all fit, mi amor."
Tommy laughed to himself, "Are you three at a crafting table sucking each other off?" He meant it as a joke, clearly, and he knew the others would take it that way.
What he didn't expect was for Karl to respond with, "You'd never catch me doing that."
Tommy felt himself frown in confusion, "Why not?"
Karl paused for a moment before answering. "I'm not really into sex."
Tommy had always been told that one day he'd meet someone he was happy with and that they would get married and start a family. He didn't particularly feel excited for when the time would come, but he chopped it up to age, assuming he'd look forward to it later on in life.
So Tommy simply asked, "Why not?"
He himself wasn't that interested in sex, he didn't even realise it was an activity most people did for fun, he thought it was only done to make a family. But it was expected of him to be sexually active at his age. His father had bought him 'necessities' when he was just 15 and gave them to Tommy with a simple 'be mindful of the noise' and a knowing look. Except Tommy never knew what he meant; mindful of what noise?
Karl just shrugged, continuing to shift in-game with the other two, "I'm just not. I think I'm asexual, but I'm not really one for labels."
Tommy quickly typed 'Asexual' into Google, not even reading it before focusing back on his friends to continue playing.
Later that night, Tommy finally read the search result.
'Asexual refers to people who do not experience sexual attraction toward others. They may experience other forms of attraction, such as romantic, sensual, or aesthetic attraction.'
Oh.
'Some asexual people choose to engage in sexual activities for various reasons despite not experiencing sexual feelings and desire toward any particular person.'
It finally clicked.
That's why he didn't find sex appealing, that's why he liked others' looks but nothing more. He was asexual.
But he shouldn't assume, he was done with assuming. He'd already had two sexual identities, clearly, this was just a phase, or he was convincing himself. Tommy locked away the thoughts of him being asexual and decided to move on with his life.
Just a month later, in a conversation with Technoblade, the man started answering questions about himself that just lead to Tommy questioning his own sexuality again.
"Blade, I don't think I've ever heard of you being in a relationship."
"It's because I haven't."
Tommy looked at the man's profile picture in confusion, "Haven't what?"
"Been in a relationship."
Tommy couldn't believe it. Technoblade had gone 23 years without dating anyone? Tommy didn't know that was possible, he thought it was some societal law to have dated at least one person before you were 18.
"Tommy?"
He snapped out of his thoughts, "So no women for the Blade?"
"No one."
"Pog."
Techno hummed, answering the question he knew Tommy was thinking, "It's called Aromantic Asexual. AroAce for short."
Tommy was silent for a few moments before speaking up, "I know Karl is Asexual."
"Do you want me to tell you what they mean?"
Tommy merely nodded.
"For me, it means I'm not attracted to anyone. Sexually or romantically. I'm fine with being single my whole lifetime."
"Oh."
Oh.
"I've got an essay due tomorrow." Tommy excused himself and left the call.
He immediately typed 'Aromantic' into Google and awaited the results.
'Aromantic, often shortened to Aro, describes people who do not experience romantic attraction, or experience little-to-no romantic attraction.'
Tommy felt his breathing stop for just a moment as he read those words. There were others who didn't like people romantically. He was normal? But surely he couldn't be, he was bisexual, or maybe pansexual. He liked everyone!
But maybe that was the issue.
Maybe he didn't like anyone.
Tommy saw a recommended page on his screen, titled 'Aromantic Asexual.'
That's what Technoblade said he was.
Tommy clicked on it, and after reading the whole description, he felt tears building up behind his eyes.
'Aromantic asexual, also known by the abbreviation aroace, means people who are both aromantic and asexual. As terms for specific identities, aromantic means someone who does not experience romantic attraction, and asexual means someone who does not experience sexual attraction.'
Tommy turned his computer off and jumped into his bed, hiding under the covers as he held his Minecraft cow plush to his chest.
He couldn't be this, he couldn't. He was TommyInnit, 'the wife haver.'
He was the 'token straight friend' amongst all his queer friends who ranged from bisexual to gay to non-binary.
He couldn't be this.
Technoblade could be, he was happy as himself, living without love and sex.
Karl seemed to be happy living without sex as well.
But Tommy was TommyInnit, he couldn't admit to himself, or anyone, who he was.
That he was a virgin.
That he never loved any of his partners.
That he would never feel love.
He would never have a family.
Tommy didn't leave his bedroom for the next few days, preferring to stay wrapped up in his sheets as he watched Jschlatt and Dream on YouTube. His parents were obviously worried, but they gave him space, leaving meals at his door with a quiet reassurance that they were there whenever he needed them.
Wilbur was obviously worried about having not heard from Tommy in over a day, but Tommy just sent him a short message saying he was okay and was taking a small break to work on himself. It wasn't technically a lie. He needed to figure out what was wrong with him, why he was like this, and what to do now that he knew who he was.
He easily could've asked Technoblade for advice, given he knew for a fact he was aroace. But Tommy didn't want to seem like he was just copying the older man like an annoying little brother, or that he had convinced himself he was this. So he instead turned to Eret, spamming the man through Discord before asking to call. He only had to wait a few minutes before the green icon popped up on his phone.
Tommy hesitated for a few moments. Was he really going to do this? Was he going to admit to Eret that he thought he was aroace?
Fuck it.
"Eret, help me, please."
"Tommy, are you okay? Are you safe? Where are you?"
Talk about a worried older brother.
Tommy shook his head, "I'm home, I'm safe."
"Good, good. You said you needed help?"
Tommy was silent for a few moments before blurting out, "Ithinkimightbearoacebutidontknowifiactuallyamwhatifiitsjustaphase-"
"Woah, woah, Tommy, take some deep breathes for me, alright?"
Tommy let out a deep breathe he didn't realise he was holding before taking smaller ones.
"Now, can you please say all that slower?"
"So, I used to think I was bi or pan, yeah? But my relationships never felt like anything special, so I just thought it was because I was young. But then Karl told me he was asexual, and then Techno told me he was asexual and aromantic, and now I think I might have been aroace all along."
Eret simply nodded along with a patient look, smiling softly, "You're aroace, Tommy?"
"I-I don't know- I don't even know if I want to be-"
"That's okay, you don't have to have a label if you don't want to."
"Eret, I'm scared. All my life I've been told I just needed to find the right person, that I'll end up getting married and having a family. What if that does happen? What if this is just a phase-"
"Hey, hey, Toms, it's alright. Sexuality is fluid, it's completely alright to realise later along the line you're something else, and it seems you've gone though that a few times already. May I ask what lead you to believe you were bi or pan?"
Tommy felt his hands clench around his cow plush, "Because I felt the same towards everyone. I didn't know how attraction felt, so I just assumed it didn't matter on the sex."
Eret smiled kindly, "So you don't know what romantic or sexual attraction feel like?"
Tommy hummed.
"Then it sounds to me that you may be aroace. But that's up to you to decide how you want to label yourself."
Tommy felt his eyes grow wet, "Eret, I've never come out to anyone before. I've been the token straight friend for years, I don't know what to do."
Eret felt bad for the boy, frowning softly, "You don't have to tell anyone, Toms. But it may feel better once you tell people. I'm sure hearing jokes like that can't be too good for you."
"I'm used to them."
"That's not good thing, Tommy."
Tommy merely sighed, "I know."
"You have many supportive friends, most of who are members of the community themselves. They'll support you no matter what, and they'll continue to love you."
"Thank you, Eret." Tommy managed a small smile, "Thanks a lot."
The two soon signed off, and Tommy immediately felt tired from all that sharing. He put his phone down after sending Wilbur a quick check-in and decided to sleep it off.
A few days after coming out to Eret, Tommy bought a small pride flag for his desk collection; a single aroace flag to sit with his bi and pan ones.
He still wasn't ready to tell his family or friends, but he was coming to terms with himself. He of course continued research, such as how you can still have platonic relationships, or romantic relationships while being on the aroace spectrum. It filled Tommy with hope that he wouldn't be lonely forever.
Eret would send him reassuring messages every few days, reminding Tommy that it was okay to be him, that there were so many others like him in the world, and that he was still valid. Tommy thanked him everytime.
He might not be ready to tell anyone yet, but June was soon approaching. Maybe he'd work up the guts soon.