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Sometimes, Niko thinks that the things he feel are abstract. So abstract, that no combination of letters ever discovered will ever reach half the capacity to come close to describing it. If someone were to describe it, the transversal waves that they let out will shatter. He himself doesn’t know. Not a tiny bit. Maybe what he feels belongs to another world– to another dimension, somewhere where the pain does not feel poetic. In the current state, no length of the current human perception can ever discover and take notice of the little cracks, of the little glittering bits through the shattered edges of his emotions.
But no matter how much he tries to deny, he doesn’t blame the world for doing so. Some things are better left unsaid and some things are better left in a locked box under one’s bed. After all, how could someone truly see the true light of these moments? How can one know the weight on his chest every time he chugs the bottle of pills down his throat, begging, praying to God that it would fix him one day? How can one know the burning feeling in his eyes as he tries to hold back, knowing damn well if he let them fall– it would crush the boy’s heart, his precious, precious, precious heart– How can one know the way his joints ache as he realizes what he has done– How can one know the way he found it difficult on which pain was worse– the tubes attached the inside of his body, the only thing keeping his organs working or the sight of seeing his best friend crying on the edge of the bed?
“ Maafin aku, Ce. Aku belum bisa jadi temen yang baik, [I'm sorry, Ce. I wasn't able to be a good friend,] ” Niko let the words out, although heavy, it was relieving. But when he realizes the boy in front of him, once more, was no different from any other of his crazy hallucinations, that temporary feeling of relief vanishes on sight. The figure looked at him on the floor and smiled. He didn’t say it was okay. He didn’t say it was his fault. All he said was– “ Jadi sekarang, gimana? [Now, what?] ”
Hell, he didn’t expect for one question to hurt this much. Especially since Chairil was the person who knew the most about how Niko just didn’t want to deal with the future at all. He doesn’t think of all the consequences because it’s painful. And now, after all is done, Chairil had the nerve to ask him what will happen next. It was not as simple as dates and formulas and statistics, because he knew, even if numbers were complicated, it can never ever defeat how truly complicated emotions were. Now, Niko is forced to meddle with both his emotions and future.
“ I don’t know,” Niko said to him. “I don’t know, and I dont know if I ever want to know.”
“Well, you’ve got to deal with it sooner or later. Nothing will wait for you.”
Niko sighed and closed his eyes. He was exhausted, after a long day of studying and classes and consultations and dance practices. And the news of that letter didn’t make him feel better.
“ All I can say is, that if I knew what you were going through before, I wouldn’t hesitate to replace you in those situations– I would trade my life for yours, you know? All those yellings, all those cuts and bruises, all those– testings , I would rather go through it if it meant that you would be okay. If it meant you could be happy for once. But, I know you wouldn’t–”
The figure finished his sentence. “I would not let that happen. I wouldn’t let you go through it.”
“You wouldn’t let me go through it. After you broke my arm, right?” Niko added. Chairil smiled and cocked his head to the side with a chuckle. “No, no. You’ve got it all wrong.” He crouches down, eye-level with Niko. “The moment I saw the bruises on your back, that was when I decided that I wouldn’t let you go through anything painful.”
Wednesday, 7th grade. Chairil noticed how bluish-red the bruises looked on Niko’s fair skin. “ What happened with the bruises? ” He asked. “ My parents can get a bit out of control sometimes, ” Niko faintly replied with a slight laughter.
“ But that’s also where you were wrong,” Niko looked at Chairil, even if it felt painful. “You thought you knew me inside and out. But you didn’t know everything. You acted like I was some kind of– innocent child that you should protect with all your life because I had no courage to stand up for myself,” he took a deep breath and pulled on the fabric of his own sleeves. “But you were wrong. I didn’t say anything– not because I was scared– not because I was helpless, but it was because I chose not to. You didn’t know how much strength and courage that requires– to hold yourself back, to restrain yourself, even if the anger boils inside of you. To choose not to do anything, because you know it would be better than to do anything else.”
Niko laughed. Chairil was not real anyways, so why not? Why not say all the words that he kept to himself? “But I guess I understand why you didn’t understand that, considering what type of a person you were–” Niko added sarcastically. Chairil merely raised his eyebrows, and folded his legs too sit down right across of where he was. “ But enough about me, we really have to talk about–”
“You really gotta accept that in your life is centered around you , and not around anyone else, okay?”
“ What?”
“ The way you’re acting makes you seem like you’re a side character in your own life. And it’s pretty sad. When I died, your whole life changed, didn’t it? Because in your world, I was the sun your orbited around. “
“ You weren’t. I was already bound to break, Chairil. I was already a ticking time bomb the moment I was born, I was already a child destined to break and burn, and you just– you just halted that.”
Niko fliched and took a deep breath when he felt the skin of Chairil’s hand touch his own so suddenly. It’s been so long. “And– I enjoy being a side character. I enjoy being the one in the corner just watching everything go by, Ce. You were the total opposite of that, and I was fine– but then, you acted like I was your whole world, and it just wasn’t right. I didn’t like that kind of responsibility, because-”
Chairil tightened his grip around Niko’s palm. “Because you thought that you would disappoint and fail me. Because you said, you were bound to break from birth, didn’t you?” He said amidst the faint laughing that he let out. The other boy furrowed his brows and frowned. “Why are you laughing?”
“ Sometimes the way you talk about things is interesting. You make pain sound beautiful,” Chairil grinned. “What? Too used to being the best at writi-” Niko couldn’t finish his sentence before Chairil kneeled in front of him and pinched his cheeks repeatedly. He was so dumbfounded– he coiuldn’t say anything. “What’s with the face, Nik? So sassy. Sassy child. Sassy sassy sassy. “
"What the hell are you doing? You're weird-" Niko turned away and tried to push him away. “ I’m older than you, and you will forever be sixteen,” Niko made a sarcastic remark. Chairil gasped and backed away dramatically. “How dare you!” he teased. “ You should’ve considered the things I would be capable of saying before you chose to die, eh?”
Suddenly, Chairil looked sad. He looked down and the the mischievous grin suddenly started to fade away. Panic stsruck Niko– he thought he had broke his heart, no matter how fake the other boy was. “Sorry,” Niko said awkwardly. Chairil looked at him and smiled sadly. “It’s okay. I’m just sad about the fact that I will never get to see the more sassy side of you anymore,” He said to Niko. “ No more offensive jokes, no more sneaking out, and no more…no more… pinching cheeks …”
Niko scoffed, but the weight of the words Chairil had said finally caught up only a few seconds later. “No more talking to each other. I will never see you graduate. I will never see you marry or have kids–”
“Never wanted to do that anyway,” Chairil interrupted.
“The point is–” Niko ignored him. “ The point is, all the potential we had just disappeared, okay?” He explained.
Chairil didn’t say anything else. Empty, heavy silence suddenly blanketed the room and no one was brave enough to say anything else after the sudden shift of topic. That is, before Niko decided to open his mouth again.
“ What will I do without you?” He asked, the look of sorrow and guilt on his face. He was half smiling, trying to take in the reality of the situation. “You’ll just be you.”
Niko suddenly looked at him again, repeating the words he said earlier. “ I would’ve traded my life for yours,” He said. “ Aku rela mati buat kamu. [I would rather die for you.] ”
Chairil raised his eyebrows and smiled. “ Mati itu gampang. Buang nyawa itu gampang. [Dying is easy. Throwing your life away is easy.] What’s hard is living. Choosing to live and stay strong for someone despite everything else telling you to end it all.”
The other boy looked back at him, one on one, and suddenly the room felt bigger. “The real question is, kamu rela hidup demi aku, enggak? [Would you stay alive for me, or not?] ” Chairil let go of his hand and stood up. Took a few steps back— away from the boy that was sitting on the floor, perhaps to remind him that no matter what he yearned for, no matter what he wanted— he was still alone, in this very moment. And nothing else was real. “Would you continue to stay strong for me, despite it all ?”
Niko hung his head low. Strands of hair covered his view, and they fell on his shoulders as he clenched his fingers. “So why–” When he opened his mouth, his voice shook and broke. “ So why couldn’t you do that for me, Chairil? ”