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“Joonghyuk-ah…”
Upon hearing his adoptive father’s voice, Shin Yoosung headed towards Kim Dokja’s bedroom.
“Ahjussi?”
Shin Yoosung opened Kim Dokja’s bedroom slightly, peeking at the man.
“Yoosung-ie? Do you know where Joonghyuk-ah went?”
Shin Yoosung rushed towards the man. His hair was greying now, a sign of his aging. He sat at the far end of the room, beside a small window displaying the sky outside.
It was a beautiful day, with the sun valiantly fighting against the clouds, battling for custody over the light blue sky.
“He’s not here, Ahjussi. Remember?”
“Ah..”
“Gilyoung should be returning home with lunch soon, though.”
“Joonghyuk-ah didn’t cook?”
Shin Yoosung brushed Kim Dokja’s bangs out of his forehead.
“No.”
“When can I go home?”
Shin Yoosung’s smile faltered for a split second.
“You are home, what do you mean?”
“Mm…”
A soft click of a door could be heard. Lee Gilyoung had returned.
“I’ll be back soon.”
Shin Yoosung whispered, before leaving the room, quickly stealing another glance at Kim Dokja before closing the door shut.
“Gilyoung.”
Shin Yoosung walked towards the man, now 22.
“Yeah?”
“I think we should schedule another appointment with the doctor.”
She said, chewing on her lower lip.
“Oh? What happened to Hyung?”
“Recently, he keeps wanting to go home.”
“But he is home?”
Kim Dokja had lived in their small apartment for almost his entire life, so it came as a surprise that he wished to leave.
“Hah.. if only we had Unni for advice.”
Shin Yoosung smiled sympathetically, running her hand through her short brown hair.
“I’ll go text the doctor.”
She muttered as she patted the man on the shoulder, and picking up the box of omurice Lee Gilyoung had bought.
“Ahjussi, I’m back..”
“Joonghyuk-ah?”
“It’s Yoosung.”
“I went to get your food, remember?”
Shin Yoosung placed the box on Kim Dokja’s small coffee table, opening the box. She used a plastic spoon which came with the food to feed the man, waiting patiently as he chewed.
__________________
“And you say he’s still asking for someone?”
“Yes.”
Shin Yoosung replied to a doctor, nodding her head. The doctor’s luscious black hair had been tied up into a high ponytail, her coat resembling the one Kim Dokja used to wear in his youth.
“Does he have any relationship with this person?”
She asked, clipboard in one hand, pen in another.
“Ah.. they used to be married, but the person has sadly passed.”
“Alright. Anything else?”
“He keeps wanting to go home, although he’s stayed at the flat for almost forever.”
“I see.”
The woman jotted down something on her clipboard, before lifting her head to look Shin Yoosung in the eye.
“Have you considered talking to him about how he would like to pass on?”
Shin Yoosung hesitated. She had never really thought about it. She couldn’t bare with the thought of living without her Ahjussi.
“No. No, I haven’t.”
“Ah.. well, no offence but.. perhaps you should.”
The doctor gave Shin Yoosung a tight smile, before excusing herself.
The woman stood still for a while, uncertain of what to do next. Talk to Kim Dokja about his death? It was something she hadn’t prepared for.
She whipped out her phone.
Me: Gilyoung.
Brother 🦗 : Yeah?
Me: the doctor said Ahjussi might leave us soon
Brother 🦗 : ah.
Me: Wait for me to get home. We’ll do it tgt
Brother 🦗 : Alright
When Shin Yoosung arrived home, she was greeted by Lee Gilyoung, eyes filled with anxiety.
“Are you sure?”
“Would I lie?”
The duo entered the room, cautiously observing their elder.
“Hyung.”
“Gilyoung-ie? Yoosung-ie too!”
Kim Dokja gave them a warm smile and a slight wave.
“Ahjussi.. I don’t know how to say this..”
Kim Dokja’s smile didn’t leave his face, as if he knew every word Shin Yoosung wanted to say.
“Yoosung-ie.”
“Ah.. yes?”
Shin Yoosung gazed at Kim Dokja with uneasy eyes.
“It’s a beautiful day today. Let’s go out.”
Kim Dokja gestured to the window in his room, leaving the other two unable to make a decision. It was random. Why would he suddenly wish to go out? It had been.. months since he requested something like this.
“Okay, Hyung.”
The conversation could wait till later.
___________________
Lee Gilyoung inhaled a breath of fresh air. He was holding a wheelchair, his Hyung seated in it. Shin Yoosung was beside him, admiring the scenery which was a river. She had a reminiscent look in her eyes, suggesting that this place was familiar to her.
They had used to frequent this part of the park. Yoo Joonghyuk, Kim Dokja, himself and Shin Yoosung.
Their times used to be filled with laughter and joy, but then aging happened. Time passed. The inevitable came. Shin Yoosung and Lee Gilyoung became held up with their studies and work, whereas health issues became a concern for the older men.
Soon, the picnics they used to have became something he longed for. Something he never knew he treasured until it was gone.
“Yoosung.”
Lee Gilyoung called his sister.
“Look.”
He pointed to the end of the river, where there was a pair of kids playing tag, smiling and yelling loudly.
“Remind you of anyone?”
Lee Gilyoung muttered, releasing a small chuckle.
Shin Yoosung returned a tiny smile, sighing.
“Ahjussi, is there anywhere else you want to go?”
Kim Dokja mumbled something under his breath, inaudible to the other two adults.
“The bridge. Take me there.”
He pointed to a small bridge in the far distance, which the public used to cross the river.
“Do you know, this is where Joonghyuk-ah proposed to me.”
Kim Dokja said, smiling longingly when they reached the bridge.
“It was a late autumn day. How could I forget?”
Kim Dokja reached out to feel the rough texture of the wooden bridge’s railing.
“I think it was our six month anniversary. Pretty early in our relationship.”
Shin Yoosung and Lee Gilyoung listened attentively. It was a story which had never been shared to them before.
“Joonghyuk-ah has always been simple, as you know.”
Kim Dokja closed his eyes, the memory growing more and more vivid in his mind.
“It was funny. He said the exact words ‘marry me, Kim Dokja.’ As if I didn’t have a choice- Not that I would have rejected him.”
Kim Dokja reopened his eyes, his smile growing slightly wider.
“It was nighttime. As soon as he got up, fireworks went off in the distance. I looked at him, assuming it was planned. He looked as confused as I was though.”
Kim Dokja chuckled, causing him to release a hard cough after. Lee Gilyoung rubbed his back, helping Kim Dokja regain his composure.
“Turns out Han Sooyoung had figured out what Joonghyuk-ah planned to do, and had set off the fireworks.”
Lee Gilyoung and Shin Yoosung remained silent, even when Kim Dokja had finished with his recount.
“Kids.. ah wait, you’re not kids anymore. What do you think Joonghyuk-ah is doing? I haven’t heard from him in a while.”
Shin Yoosung was at a loss for words. Yoo Joonghyuk. The man she had once acknowledged as her father. The man who left them. Left Kim Dokja. Left this earth.
Kim Dokja was in denial, perhaps. That Yoo Joonghyuk had left. Shin Yoosung still recalled the day when it happened. Kim Dokja had refused to leave his room, or eat any food. But then one day, as if it was like magic, he came out. He was happy again, all smiles and laughs.
As if he had gone back to time when Yoo Joonghyuk was still alive.
He kept acknowledging Yoo Joonghyuk’s actions in the present tense, as if he had simply disappeared temporarily, and would come back.
Perhaps that was really what Kim Dokja thought. Yoo Joonghyuk was once his whole world after all.
Where Kim Dokja was, Yoo Joonghyuk would be near.
“Hyung..”
“Hm?”
“That sooty bastard isn’t coming back.”
Kim Dokja’s eyes widened in amusement.
“Nice joke.”
Kim Dokja replied, softly laughing it off.
“Let’s go home.”
__________________
Shin Yoosung promptly closed the door to Kim Dokja’s bedroom, upon returning him home. She slid down to the floor, into a crouching position.
She brushed her hair out of her eyes, heaving a sigh.
“Yoosung?”
Lee Gilyoung approached her, settling down beside her.
“I’m worried for Ahjussi.”
Lee Gilyoung bit his bottom lip.
“Let’s just let fate take its course.”
Shin Yoosung scoffed upon hearing her brothers words.
“Since when did you believe in fate?”
“Since now.”
Lee Gilyoung responded, shrugging his shoulders.
“I don’t want Ahjussi to leave.”
Shin Yoosung murmured.
“Hyung has always been stubborn. He won’t go so easily.”
Shin Yoosung beamed. It was true. Her Ahjussi rarely gave up in the past.
“But Ahjussi isn’t the same anymore.”
Both adults were aware of that. Joonghyuk’s passing had somewhat broke the man.
“It’s that sooty bastards fault. Why did he die first? Isn’t he supposed to be healthy and strong?”
“Growing old does that to a person, I guess.”
The two remained silent for a while, staring blankly at the wall opposite them.
“Yoosung? Gilyoung? Are you outside?”
“Ah- Hyung!”
Lee Gilyoung opened the door he was resting his head on, meeting Kim Dokja’s eyes.
“Can you send me home?”
Shin Yoosung, who was behind Lee Gilyoung, frowned doubtfully. This again?
“Hyung, you are already home.”
Kim Dokja’s lips were flat, forming a straight line.
He stood up, approaching the door.
“Ah— the doctor said not to stand up!”
Shin Yoosung rushed towards the older man to support him.
“Can we leave?”
Kim Dokja whispered, looking at Shin Yoosung with pleading eyes. The girls mouth moved, but no sound came out. The man seemed jittery, what was wrong?
“Ahjussi, we just got back. Where do you want to go?”
“Home.”
The older man bit his nail, his breath hitching.
“Gilyoung-ie, take me home.”
Lee Gilyoung ran his hand through his hair.
“Hyung, where exactly is home?”
Home. Home was home. Home was where his Joonghyuk-ah was waiting for him. Home was his safe space. Home was with Han Sooyoung and Jung Heewon and Lee Hyunsung and everyone. Home was that.
Kim Dokja muttered incoherent words, covering his mouth with his palm. He felt sick.
“Ahjussi? You don’t look well.”
Shin Yoosung’s voice sounded faint, so distant, so far away. Far away. He remembered his husband, on the opposite end of the room when they were in their youth, busy streaming. Kim Dokja had thought the man was far away from him, both mentally and physically.
His Joonghyuk-ah would understand where home was.
“Yoosung-ie. Gilyoung-ie.”
The two adults stopped.
“Yeah, Ahjussi?”
“I miss him.”
Shin Yoosung’s breath shook, her face crumpling.
“I miss him too.”
She whispered, her movements stopping.
Lee Gilyoung chewed on his lower lip, ushering Kim Dokja back into his room.
“Hyung.”
They were alone now, Shin Yoosung having left to get a glass of water for the man. He sat Kim Dokja onto the bed, ensuring the older man was comfortable,
“Hm?”
“Im sorry.”
Kim Dokja gazed at the boy warmly.
“You have no reason to apologise.”
Lee Gilyoung’s pupils wavered, before he took a deep breath to steel himself.
“I should’ve done better. Then you wouldn’t be alone.”
Kim Dokja’s gaze softened.
“What do you mean, alone? I have you two.”
Lee Gilyoung shook his head, clenching and unclenching his fists. Kim Dokja deserved to be surrounded by people who cared for him, more than just the two siblings.
“I’m tired, Gilyoung-ie. Go spend time with your sister.”
He tried to reach out his hand to ruffle the other man’s hair like he used to, but alas, Lee Gilyoung had truly grown. Lee Gilyoung vended down, taking comfort in the familiar feeling of Kim Dokja’s touch.
“Okay, Hyung.”
Kim Dokja lazily scanned the room once Lee Gilyoung left. It was peaceful, that was one way to describe things. Maybe one day, he would be granted the permission to meet his beloved again.
That day was near. Kim Dokja was sure if that fact. All it took was patience.
He closed his eyes, awaiting eternal sleep.
________________
Kim Dokja’s eyes fluttered open. He squinted, eyes battling against the bright rays of light coming through the window from the sun.
He smoothed the bedsheets below his body, just to grip them, crumpling them up again.
He felt different that day, more energised perhaps. He covered his yawn with his hand, as he sat up. He glanced at what he was wearing.
A familiar black hoodie, one which he remembered fondly. It belonged to Yoo Joonghyuk. When had he put it on?
He felt his face with his hands. His wrinkles were gone, as if his youth had been returned to him.
He watched the door creak open, a tall man with inky black hair appeared, his hand on the doorknob.
“You’re finally awake, sleepyhead.”
“I prepared breakfast.”
The man embraced Kim Dokja, carrying him in his arms.
Kim Dokja felt like crying. He placed his hands around the man’s neck, leaning in closer.
“Joonghyuk-ah.”
“Dokja-ya.”
He was finally home. If only Yoosung-ie and Gilyoung-ie could see. The day finally came. It was sooner than expected, but it came.
He was where he belonged, with the man he loved, after being starved of his beloved’s touch for a decade.
At least he wouldn’t lose the man now, not anymore.
”sometimes home is not a place, it’s a person.”