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Neil hadn’t been this anxious and distracted in some time. His mind stayed in a few uneasy places throughout the entirety of his trigonometry lesson, unaware of his surroundings or what Hager was even talking about. He looked over to Todd, always so quiet, so focused on his old chewed up pencil; he couldn’t help but to smile a bit to himself. Todd, who had such a way with words, who had the hardest time voicing his feelings and opinions, who would peek over to Neil when he thought he wasn’t looking. Todd would probably never know, but Neil admired him tremendously.
A rather fierce paper plane forced him out of his internal ramblings. A bit annoyed, he turned on his back to see Charlie trying to hide his laughter and failing big time. He sent him a deadly, “I’ll rat you out to Hager” look (one he obviously did not mean), and focused again on the matter at hand, which… wasn’t exactly his infatuation with Todd.
His mother. Ah, yes. His mother, who wasn’t much of an emotional figure in his life. She was certainly not worse than his father, although that was not that impressive of an achievement. She had been there, it’s true; she had dedicated the latter part of her life to raise him. Neil could recognize that. He appreciated her a lot for it and, despite the awkward moments, the uncomfortable silences, the knowing and judging glances, he did love her. He loved both of them, as painful as that had become. But he loved her more, because with silence he could deal. It was fine. Hurtful at first, obviously, but fine. He couldn’t deal with the screaming. And the mean words. And the mocking, and the hatred. At that, Neil could only manage to turn back into a small child. His broad shoulders were slim again, his newly defined bone structure replaced with baby fat on his cheeks; it was then when Neil was the saddest. It pained him too much, to be reminded so suddenly of the scared little boy and the big, very, very bad mean wolf. He hated himself for it. “I’m almost an adult”, he would write, “How come his words continue to weaken my already frail mind?”.
He got pulled out of his thoughts again when the bell rang. He started to pack his stuff in desperate notions. His cheeks felt a little wet, but he paid it no mind. He just wanted to go to his room and write out his frustrations in his old, worn notebook.
He then noticed Cameron looking at him wearily, and calling out his name in no more than a whisper.
“Neil, are you okay? You look like you’re crying” he said. That only made him want to cry more.
“I‘m fine. Don’t worry about it” he responded, getting up suddenly, and left.
He was then stopped in the middle of the hallway with a doubtful grab to his arm. He turned around, ready to tell someone off, until he caught a glimpse of those timid yet stunning blue eyes. He’d recognize him anywhere.
“Todd? Yes? What is it? I’m in a bit of a hurry” Neil wasn’t being the most honest, and it annoyed him to lie to his friend, but he was mentally someplace else and he wanted to get out that hall as soon as humanly possible.
“Oh, ‘m sorry, I didn’t… I wanted to talk to you about something, but it can wait, I guess” Todd seemed to shrink onto himself, and Neil felt immediately worse.
“No! I mean, yes, we can absolutely talk later, but I’m kind of in an urgent situation, and I’m really sorry, Todd”.
“It’s fine, what do you even got to apologize for? It's okay” he fixated his eyes to the wooden floor, clearly embarrassed, and then to his shoes.
“Later, I promise! Sorry…” Neil didn’t wait for an answer, because he could sense he had already made Todd feel bad, and he was aware of the fact that he would only discomfort him more if he kept apologizing over and over; he knew Todd that way. The other dead poets didn’t really seem to understand, sometimes all Todd wanted was some space and alone time, and he wouldn’t open up immediately just because he was pushed to do so, as it was for the best to just let him be. Neil knew he would come over to their room later and hop onto his bed like it was nothing, they would sit next to each other to read and neither of them would acknowledge it, and that was fine. Sometimes he felt like his roommate was the only one who truly understood him at all.
Once he reached his room and closed the door with false enthusiasm, Neil looked over to the clock on Todd’s desk: they would often joke it was so old, Nolan’s father had probably made it and sold it to his family, getting through at least three generations and then some, because as most things Todd owned, it had belonged to Jeffrey first.
From the clock Neil could see it was already five, and tried his best to ignore it. His best was, unsurprisingly, not enough to do so. He jumped (rather dramatically) to Todd’s unkept bed and buried his face on his pillow. He noticed right away that it smelt a lot like him, naturally, and Neil could feel his heart skip a beat. As he did with the time, he forcefully put his alarming thoughts on the back of his mind. “Todd would be so displeased”, he said to himself. Neil sighed. His head was hurting, he hadn’t eaten anything that day and it was time to call his mother.
“One call per month” she had said right before the start of the schoolyear, “That’s all your poor mother wants of you. One call at five in the afternoon every last Sunday of the month. Please, Neil”. He of course obliged. Could he even say no? He would never deny his parents, and the offer didn’t seem all that awful. It wasn’t until the first call finished that he realized what a misconception that had been. Awkward was an understatement. They never talked about anything. Even when they were, it was never something of true meaning. Small talk, that’s all there was.
During the summers, Neil would visit the Dalton’s house and spend most of his days there, more often than not staying over the night and only coming back to his house at noon. It’s not like he enjoyed the company of Charlie’s parents either, but sometimes, just being with his friend was enough. Some days, Knox would join them, and they’d fantasize about what their future would look like; dreams of moving to New York and living the city life, renting a place together and enjoying themselves to the fullest. They all knew the truth of it, of course, but it was an entertaining thought nonetheless. His father had, as always, put an end to it last summer by making him start summer school to get ahead. Neil remembered then the anger. He had been so upset, his mother even stepped in and took him for an ice-cream, like she used to do when he was a kid. He thought it juvenile, and it was, but he ended up accepting because he didn’t wish to see her hurt. That had been the moment where she broached the “call thing”, Neil being the dutiful son that he was of course humored her.
And there he was. By the phone, waiting for some kid to say goodbye while trying to block out a thousand feelings running rampant through his head. Next thing he knew, he was dialing his house’s number and listening to the phone rang. Thankfully, the hall was nearly empty and only one or two wandering souls could listen to him right now. He was so nervous that, when her voice came through the phone, so seemingly sweet and innocent, he couldn’t help but flinch.
“Hi, mother”, Neil said, almost trembling.
“You know, Neil, you can call me mom, I’ve told you this one too many times”, she took a meaningful pause, “I’m not your father”. After that, Neil had to force himself to suppress a scoff.
“I’m sorry. Mom, how- how is everything? Are you alright?”
“Yes, yes, I’m quite alright, dear. How is school? Your father tells me your grades are better than ever. I’m… I’m very proud of you, Neil”. He felt his brain stop. He couldn’t do this, not now. Feeling himself hyperventilate, Neil went to a safe place in his mind, and thought of Todd, and how he would be probably so excited to show him this new book he had found with literal stars in his eyes. He relaxed.
“Yeah, I’m actually, I’m doing really well in English, professor Keating’s been great”.
“Oh? I heard he has some rather “unorthodox” methods, the mothers at the church have been talking about it for a while, and your father doesn’t really like him, that Keating guy…”, she trailed off, sensing she had made a mistake. Neil lost whatever mental peace he had previously achieved.
“Well, mother, he’s great, he is, and I’ve never been this passionate about English before. So maybe you can tell the ladies at church that”. He hid his face in the wall next to the phone, suddenly mortified.
“Neil, you can’t talk to me that way. What would your father say?”
“I don’t know. I’m sorry. But It’s not like I’d know. Sorry”, Neil covered his face again, this time with his free hand. There was a moment of silence, then he heard an exhale from his mother through the phone, clearly disappointed in his behavior. Neil cursed himself. He knew better, why was he engaging? Now he had upset his mother, and she would tell his father in hopes of mending things, and he would go and take away something he loved. Last year’s auditions, summer at Charlie’s. Something cold went down Neil’s spine. They could never know.
“Why is it, Neil? Why is it that you are always so quiet, so angry? You used to be such a lovely boy. So charismatic, everybody in the neighborhood loved you. What happened?”, she said in a rush, leaving no room for breathing. He could sense her struggling to find the right words. In that moment, his mother reminded him of himself.
“I… cannot be honest with you, mom, it's so hard to say”, Neil breathed out.
“You can say, dear”, she offered and, softening her voice, added “You can tell me anything, Neil… I’ve always been here for you; I’d like to think that you know that”. He in fact did not know that, and he doubted that his mother even realized it, but she had never been this great, big emotional support in his childhood, let alone in his teenage years.
When he was about eleven, Neil realized he viewed girls differently. Not in a bad light at all but, and this he could tell, always in ways that clashed with his friends, or even his parents opinions. “One day, you will too marry a nice girl, and you will try your hardest to make her happy”, his mother had said. His younger self didn’t agree, and was entirely too clueless to the reality he was facing when he responded that he often thought that way about a boy. Neil didn’t remember much, his memories blurry purposefully, but he could never forget the look in his mother’s eyes, his father overhearing, the bruises, and everything that came after that. He made himself a promise then: his own mental turmoil was to be his, and his alone. Neither his parents, nor his friends could know; the fear was too overwhelming. Years of hatred, and delusions, and pain and secrets, all for his own miserable entertainment. And it would’ve worked out perfectly, if it hadn’t been for Todd.
Todd brought out things in himself he never even knew they existed. Every conversation, every thought they shared with the other, every poem; Neil saw himself as a barren field on a stormy weather, and each time that he just dared to look at Todd, he would feel a flower bloom within himself. It was a cheesy and melodramatic thought for sure, but that was not the only reason Neil wanted to bury his heart's desires at all. He feared something so sinister, so vile, something that would make his father not even want to look at him anymore, his mother drown herself in her cigarettes and sorrows, his friends turn their backs on him, and Todd… He would push him away, lose him forever, and he could never afford that, even if it meant his spirit withering away in a claustrophobic cage which he would never leave…
“Neil? Neil, are you there?”, not nearly for the first time in the day, he was brought back to Welton, and his mother expectantly waiting for an answer on the phone.
“Yes, yes. Sorry. I was thinking. I…”, he said, and then he dared, “I've just been having a rough time, mom”, his voice nearly breaking.
“Oh, oh dear…”, she trailed off, and Neil quickly jumped in.
“It’s alright, mom, It’s okay”.
“I told him, I told your father, I know he's a bit overbearing, but he loves you so much... I know it's about that play. I told him you could have done that, but he wouldn’t have it, 'It's not good for him', he said, I told him, Neil, I did try…”, he could sense his mother on the verge of tears. Once again, he couldn’t help but blame himself. It was selfish, it was just a play. There would be countless more opportunities later. He sighed and continued.
“I did always want to try that. To act I mean. I won’t, uh, I guess it wouldn’t be fair of me to deny that”, he laughed nervously, “But It’s fine. I know, 'focus on school, be the example for everyone to follow', all of it” he said, and her mother seemed to calm down. He always knew what to say. His father would be proud.
Neil heard his mother take a drag of her cigarette. He hated it so much. He knew she was a nervous woman by nature, and the smoke, the sting, it brought her some sense of peace. She used to be so defensive about it, stating that she needed it, but after some time, his mother would accept it for what it was: some sick obsession and a secretive habit, because his father would never know. Neil couldn't even dare to tell on her, as he was extremely aware of the possible consequences on both his mother and himself. Obviously, it was best to keep it a secret. His father already smoked cigars, so that awful lingering smell would always haunt his house, in one way or another. It made him so sick and it reminded him of terrible things. His room was the only one in the house that remained untouched. It wasn’t a safe haven by any means, but it was the sole place where he could feel protected. Shielded from the smoke and the fights, the overall noise, he would sometimes (very quietly) open his window late at night and let the cool air breeze through. It cleansed him, in a way.
“Oh, Neil, you are such a good kid. Such a good son. Your father and me, we don’t really deserve you” she said, blowing out the smoke. Neil wasn’t so sure, and he would have disputed that if it hadn’t been for his mother cutting him off. “Anyway, I’m afraid I have to leave you now. With Maggie, you know Margaret, Stephen’s mom, we’re about to head off for some tea at that new place I told you about, I’ve heard it’s great”. She went on about it for a while, but Neil wasn’t really listening. He should have known. One small talk about his feelings was already too much for mom. Oh well, better luck next time. He closed his eyes, trying to get rid of the burning sensation and the feeling of disappointment bubbling up in his chest.
“Yeah, alright, mom, I had to go anyways. I’ll talk to you later, goodbye”.
“Goodbye Neil, remember I love you very much. I’ll be here next month”, she said.
Neil then hung up feeling extremely distressed. He couldn’t get mad at her, not really. It had always been this way, what did he expect? He cursed lowly to himself, peaked a look around the hall to check he was alone, and decided to get back to his room.
Todd was there, cozied up in his bed, reading a book Mr. Keating had referenced last class; just like Neil expected him to be. He stood in silence by the door frame for a minute, carefully observing how concentrated Todd was. He hadn’t even noticed he was there, so fixated on chewing on his pencil and annotating his favorite passings from the book, which looked kind of new and expensive. He had probably borrowed it from the library downtown, considering Welton’s was small and needed some improvement.
Neil then faked out a cough which startled Todd, who dropped his pencil to the floor that went rolling down under his bed. He cussed out and Neil started chuckling.
“Thank you, Neil, thanks for that”, Todd said, while getting down on the floor to pick up his pencil, and with his head under the bed, added “I don’t know why you’re laughing”. He tried to come off as annoyed but, after hearing Neil’s juvenile laughter, he wasn't able to keep a straight face.
“Cause’ it’s funny. Scoot over” he said, after Todd had come back to sitting on his bed, legs stretching. He scoffed but still moved to leave some room for Neil. He smiled, taking Todd’s book out of his hands and leaving it on the bedside table. His roommate let out a groan and put his head back on the headboard, closing his eyes. Neil looked at him for a moment, gathering his thoughts carefully before speaking up.
“You said you wanted to talk to me about something, no? Right after Hager’s class”, he breathed out. Then nervously added, “Sorry again, by the way, it was… I was in a difficult position”. Todd opened his eyes, slowly, and looked over to him.
“Yeah, uh, don’t worry about it. Really, I just wanted to ask if you had this book”. He pointed over to the bedside table, trying to hide his newly flushed face, but failing tremendously. Neil wouldn’t dare to point it out, aware of Todd’s insecurities. He knew that Todd meant to tell him something else, but he chose to keep that thought to himself. Instead, he remained quiet, enjoying this brief moment of calm next to his friend.
After such an awful day, and even worse call with his mother, just Todd’s soothing presence was enough to make it worthwhile. Neil then ventured to delve on what that possibly meant, but deep down, he already knew. He just needed to come to terms with it. Todd was his roommate and good friend, yes, but he intensely desired for so much more than he had previously believed. He was kind, caring, interesting, clever, passionate… and another thousand gorgeous words that Neil was aware only Todd could recite. He was everything his family wasn’t, and they had connected instantly. From that very first day, Neil already knew Todd was someone so unique, unlike anyone else he had met before. Such an intriguing person, Todd’s anxiety would usually hide his real self from the world. He didn’t mind, not really; but Neil’s stubbornness would sometimes get the best of him, hurting his friend in the process. He would notice this immediately, and then berate himself for it. How could he damage one of the only things in his life that made him feel alive again, his relationship with Todd?
Whatever their relationship was, he did not know. He secretly knew what he wanted it to be. That was a dream, a fantasy so far away, so removed from reality, he thought, he would do anything for Todd to feel the same way. But rejection was a frightening possibility. Even worse, disgust. Or hatred. Neil shuddered in his own mind, and made himself the promise to some time, someday, reveal all of his pent-up emotions, his secrecies, and love vows to Todd. He only needed to gather some (great) courage and achieve a completely different mindset, but he would do it. Of that he was sure.
By the time he got out of his wandering mind, Todd had closed the distance between them and put his head on Neil’s shoulder; he had shut his eyes again and looked as if he was trying to get some rest, using Neil as a support. He held his breath and closed his eyes as well.
“I’m glad you’re here with me”, he whispered, bracing himself for Todd’s reaction.
“Of course, where else would I be?” he said, chuckling quietly. Neil’s heart went up and got stuck in his throat. They both remained silent then, comfortably enjoying their peace and moments together.
At some point, they laid down on the bed next to one another, with Todd dozing off first. Neil went through the events of the day, and chose to forget about that damned phone call, his parents, his house, Welton, and everything in between. He focused on Todd’s quiet breaths and the softness of his sweater, the picture of them laying side by side on that old bed. He smiled to himself and finally let go of his worries, quickly falling victim to sleep as well.