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Todd was laying in bed, before lights out. He’d prepared for bed already, but Neil was still changing into his pajamas. Todd was staring at him.
Something was different, which he’d realized a little while ago. He’d been feeling different when around Neil, but he couldn’t place what it was.
Every time he looked at Neil, he felt warmer inside. He thought it might be him growing closer and closer to him, but it felt… different… than the other friendships he’d had. He hadn’t had many, but it still felt strange. He didn’t know what.
Actually, he had a hunch. But it was a stretch.
He also hadn’t had any crushes on any of the girls. Knox was in love with Chris, but he didn’t feel that way around any girls. He didn’t think he ever had.
He’d talk to Charlie in a day or two, he decided. Charlie was always good with friendship stuff. Besides, he’d known Neil for years. Maybe he’d told him a thing or two.
Neil took his shirt off, and Todd blushed. He looked away, embarrassed.
Neil put his pajamas on, and looked at Todd.
“Lights out?”
“Hmm? Oh, yeah, th-that’s alright.”
Neil flipped the lightswitch and crawled into the bed. “G’night, Todd.”
“Night, Neil.”
Neil closed his eyes, and Todd turned to look up at the ceiling. He decided right then and there he was going to talk to Charlie the next day. The feeling was too overwhelming.
Todd stared up until he fell asleep.
Todd made an effort to seek out Charlie before lunch the next day.
“Charlie?”
Charlie stopped and turned around. “Oh, hey, Anderson. What do you need?”
“You’re good with friendship stuff, right?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Uhm… could I talk to you? Privately?”
“Yeah, sure.”
They both peeked behind a hall and Todd looked Charlie in the eyes.
“I’ve been wanting to ask you… I have this certain… feeling. Whenever I’m around Neil. And, I thought if I described it to you, you could tell me what it was?”
“Sure. Go ahead.”
Todd started talking about it.
“I… I just get this feeling, deep in the pit of my stomach. It almost feels like I’m about to throw up, but… not in a bad way. My heart starts racing, and I always feel warmer in my chest when he smiles at me. When he isn’t around me, he’s almost always on my mind. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I can’t study when he’s next to me. He makes me feel giddy. When he quirks his eyebrows up at me, I always feel like I’m about to start giggling. He…” Todd had a sudden moment of realization. His eyes widened. “Oh, gosh.”
Charlie was smirking. “I think you answered your own question.”
“I’m…”
“You can say it.”
“I’m in love. I’m in love with Neil.”
“Bingo.”
Todd started to pace and sweat. “What am I gonna do? Everyone will make fun of me if they find out I’m in love with a guy. I didn’t realize I was…” He gulped. “G-gay. I mean, I’ve never had a crush on a girl, but I thought that might’ve been normal.”
Todd’s eyes began to water slightly.
“Hey, Todd, it’s ok. It’s ok. Don’t worry. No one will make fun of you, I promise. You don’t even have to tell anyone. But I think it would be best if you told Neil.”
“Are you sure? That doesn’t seem like a good idea.”
“It’s fine. You can do it. When you’re ready.”
“But I’ll never be ready.”
“The moment will come. You will. Todd, deep breaths.”
Todd followed Charlie’s hands as they went up and down to represent inhaling and exhaling. He shuddered, wiping his eyes on his blazer.
“Oh, my god. I’m pathetic.” He chuckled a little and then looked back at Charlie.
“When I am ready… how do I tell him?”
“Here, let’s walk to lunch. I’ll tell you on the way.”
They started to walk.
“So, the first thing you’ve gotta do, is when you’re both alone, catch his eye.”
“How do I do that?”
“Just, look at him. Wait until you make eye contact.”
“Ok.”
“Walk up to him and take his hand.”
“M-hm?”
“And say, “I love you.”
Todd stopped in his tracks.
“...That’s it?”
“Yeah. It’s different, you guys have known each other before. With the ones you read, the people normally don’t know each other as well. It’s easier for you. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get a kiss.”
“A-alright.”
“You think you can do it when the time comes?”
“I sure as hell hope so.”
“Good.”
They got to the hall and sat down, and began to eat. Todd was across from Neil, and he was telling Pitts about chemistry he’d done earlier. He looked at Todd and Charlie when they sat down.
“Oh, where were you guys?”
“W-well, uh–”
“Todd had a question about chem.”
“Oh, yeah.”
Todd shot Charlie a thank you look. Charlie looked back in a don’t mention it way.
Todd had Neil on his mind 24/7 now. He struggled to get through his classes, and his marks dipped. If he didn’t confess by choice soon, he’d flunk.
He kept thinking about a good time to do it. He didn’t want to, but something inside of him needed to.
It was his heart, he realized.
Three weeks had passed since he talked to Charlie.
Today was the day, he decided. He needed to do it.
He reviewed the steps. Eye contact. Walk over. Hold his hand.
Say the words.
He didn’t know where to do it. When? Should he wait, or do it as soon as possible?
He was thinking too much, he decided. He’d wait until the moment felt right.
He wondered when that would be.
The clock toiled and class ended.
One more class until lunch, then he could take some time in his dorm before the next one.
He sat through the next class with absolute agony. Trig. He didn’t pay attention, Neil was on his mind again. He wasn’t good at trig anyway.
He went to his dorm after it was over. Neil followed, saying he needed to grab some things before his next class.
Now was his big chance. He gulped.
“N-neil?”
“Yeah?”
Todd began to sweat. “U-uh…”
“What is it?”
He sighed. “N-nothing. Never mind.”
“Alright.”
Todd picked up the clock on his desk. He looked at it.
“Oh, Todd? There’s, uh, something I’ve been wanting to tell you as well.”
Todd looked up. “Mhm?”
Neil started to walk up to Todd. Todd was turning red. Neil reached for Todd’s fingers.
Make eye contact, Charlie had said. Walk up to him and take his hand.
Todd realized what Neil was going to say. Oh my god, he thought. He’s thinking the same thing I am.
Todd felt… he actually wasn’t sure how. He felt strange. His stomach was flipped upside down.
Neil looked at Todd. “I…”
“I think I’m in love with you,” they said in unison.
And then Neil kissed him.
It was soft. Their faces weren’t mashed into each other, but Neil’s hand had fallen onto Todd’s cheek and Todd’s arm was resting on the back of Neil’s neck. Todd closed his eyes.
Todd could smell Neil’s familiar scent and he heard his own heart pounding out of his chest.
Neil’s legs were shaking slightly, and Todd’s lips were chapped. Todd could feel every bone in his body. Am I doing this right? Todd thought. Oh, what if he hates me after this?
Neil put his other hand on Todd’s waist and pulled Todd closer into him. Todd felt something coursing through his bones. He didn’t know what, and he might’ve found out, if not for–
“I see you took my advice, Anderson.”
The two let go, and Todd saw Charlie leaning against the doorframe. Todd blushed bright red and Neil took his hand off of Todd’s face.
“Oh, C-charlie. Hi,” Neil said. “I, uh, didn’t realize the door wasn’t closed.”
“Sorry about butting in, I saw you guys and figured I’d drop in. Way to get the guy, Todd. Congrats,” Charlie said, a smirk on his face.
Todd was flustered, and Neil turned to him. “It’s alright. Oh, I didn’t make you uncomfortable, did I?”
“N-no, don’t worry about it. I’m just fine. That was… uh… nice.”
“Oh,” Neil said. He leaned in and whispered, “once Charlie leaves, do you want to do it one more time?”
Todd grinned. “Yeah. I’d like that a lot.”
“You guys have class soon, so don’t take too long. It’s Keating next, though, he won’t care if you’re a little late.” Charlie smiled. “Want me to close the door?”
“Yes, please.”
“No problem.” Charlie left.
Neil turned back to Todd. “How… how long have you felt like this?”
“A while. I just didn’t know what it was.”
Todd pulled Neil down to his face by the neck, kissing him. Neil leaned into it, tilting his head.
Todd realized that the feeling he had felt was pure love for Neil. He never wanted to let go. He needed to hold onto Neil.
Neil started to move, and Todd walked backwards. Neil pushed Todd onto a tiny stretch of wall that wasn’t taken up by a bed, or a desk, or a dresser. Todd drank him in, feeling dopamine rush throughout his bloodstream. “Oh, Neil,” he breathed.
“I’m in love with you, Todd.”
Neil moved his arm up and placed it around Todd’s torso. Todd exhaled. He put his hand on Neil’s cheek, his fingers slightly weaving into his hair.
The kiss continued for a few more short moments, and then they broke apart. Neil smiled, and Todd chuckled. They had both returned to reality after the short break.
“We really ought to get to English. Come on,” Neil said, hooking his pinkie finger into Todd’s and kissing him on the forehead. Todd blushed.
They walked to Mr. Keating’s classroom, fingers lacing together. They sat down at their desks.
“Glad you decided to join us, Perry. Anderson.”
“S-sorry we were late, sir.”
“Just try to be more punctual next time.”
Todd shot a glance at Charlie. Charlie looked back, and grinned. He pointed at himself, and then placed a finger on his lips, almost as if to say I won’t tell a soul. Todd smiled, and then looked at Neil, who blew him a quick kiss. He almost giggled.
Mr. Keating was talking about the meaning of love in poetry. How appropriate, Todd thought. He lowered his head to the table and looked at Neil again. He felt that a weight had been lifted off his chest. Todd listened to Mr. Keating describing words and phrases used often in poetry. He pulled out a notebook and started jotting something down for himself.
They sat through the rest of the day, and at night, made their way to the cave for the next society meeting. Knox looked at Neil and Todd holding hands. Must be a pal thing, he thought.
As Knox looked away, Neil kissed Todd on the nose as they sat down. Todd blushed.
Neil opened the copy of Five Centuries Of Verse and began to read the opening statement.
“‘I went to the woods because I wanted to live–’ Todd!”
Todd had kissed Neil, and everyone had silently gasped, except for Charlie, who knew, and Knox, who had zoned out thinking about Chris.
“Todd, now is not the time.” Neil chuckled a bit.
“S-sorry, Neil,” Todd said. “Continue.”
Neil started again. “‘I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately.’” Todd wrapped his arm around Neil’s body as Neil read, resting his head on his shoulder. “‘I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life…’”