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Soap is no stranger to pain. Throughout his twelve years in the armed forces, he was shot, stabbed, burned, cut, and broken more time than he can count. As a result, his shoulder is held together by metal plates, as is his ankle, and he is missing a kidney after a rogue bullet nicked him in one just five years ago.
Even now, two years after ‘retiring’, Soap can hardly comprehend that he is thirty-two. He was told that the way his job ended was with him dead in a ditch so to be at home in a modest apartment with an emotionally stunted yet loving nonetheless partner is a little surprising to Soap still.
Old habits die hard though, something Soap is aware of when he wakes up with a stomach-churning sickness radiating through his abdomen and a fierce pain burning through his skin. He takes the morning slowly, nibbling on dry toast but only making it through half a slice before feeling full and bloated, and heads to work out, planning on doing a light jog, when his stomach twists and he finds himself in a heap beside the toilet.
He prays to a God he doesn’t believe in that he doesn’t wake Ghost. Since retiring, the couple have taken up pretty standard jobs. Ghost was struggling to acclimate to the new routine so he works nights on the weekends, meaning the man on the other side of Soaps bed has only been home and asleep for about an hour.
Luck is never much on his side. Though he doesn’t actually vomit, a wicked fever strikes him bone deep and with every move, a fresh wave of nausea kicks him back down. It takes him 20 minutes to even move to a sitting position and once there, it takes him a further ten to stand back up.
He makes it to the kitchen, taking slow, deep breaths to calm his nausea before gulping down a large glass of cold water and resting his head against the cool metal of the fridge. Only a brief few moments pass before he hears footsteps in the bedroom, indicating he was not as quiet as he thought.
With a long sigh, he tries to straighten himself out, standing tall and finishing his drink as the door opens into the open plan apartment and Ghost trails through the door, hair in all directions and deep bags under his eyes. Now Ghost is retired, he can’t blame his eye-bags on the dark makeup he once wore.
“Johnny,” Ghost says as he makes it to the kitchen. His eyes narrow and look Soap up and down before saying, “Not like you to be up at this time on a Sunday.”
“Sorry Si, didn’t mean to wake you,” Johnny says. He refuses to even attempt to move closer to his partner, not wanting his pain to be made known, “Just wasn’t feeling too good but I’m fine now.”
Ghost stands directly in front of Soap, hands drifting under his shirt and meeting around his back. Simon looks to meet Soaps blue eyes and is raising a brow at him, “You’re burning up, Johnny. Your skin is clammy as hell.”
“I’m okay, just need something to bring my fever down, I promise.” Soap argues, placing a hand on Ghosts chest and forcing a light smile.
Ghost doesn’t seem convinced but moves to their makeshift medicine cabinet where he finds some medicine to treat the fever and some pain meds too. Soap queries, “How’d you know I needed them too?”
“You haven’t moved an inch since I got in here and haven’t tried to kiss me. I know you, you’re hurting.” Ghost mumbles, taking the glass from the counter beside Soap and refilling it with water. He pops all the pills out of the containers and hands them to Johnny before encouraging him to take them.
Johnny hums an unintelligible answer whilst taking the medication and he finds himself soon back in bed, after being carried by Simon, with the promise that Ghost will cuddle him until he’s better.
He awakens again a little after midday. Ghost is fast asleep, face down in his pillow, with an arm lazily slung over Soaps middle. Johnny feels a little brighter so he slides out of bed and has a quick shower.
When drying himself off, his breath catches in his throat and he winces a little when he rubs the towel over a sensitive spot on the side of his stomach. He peels the towel away to check for a bruise or a small cut but is surprised to see a small swelling in his skin, unlike the rest of his flat and still well toned stomach.
He prods around the swelling, it feeling warm to the touch, and notes how it is hard under his skin and ridiculously painful. Johnny looks in the mirror as he’s poking at his skin and it’s only when he’s dressed in his sweatpants does he realise what it could be.
Johnny has a lump.
Immediately, his mind supplies the worst, telling himself it’s a tumour, it’s cancer, he’s dying and all of that before he takes a deep breath and tries to reign his mind back in. He knows he needs to make a doctors appointment but he’s freaking the fuck out and he just wants to be back in Ghosts arms.
Speak of the devil, Simon comes wandering into the unlocked bathroom, no doubt looking for Johnny, but his light smile falls when he sees the pale and panicked expression on Soaps face.
“No better baby? Have you been sick?” Ghost asks gently, stepping forwards and reaching a hand up to brush Soaps hair back. Johnny has a hand firmly over the lump and he can still feel the rock like mound beneath his fingers. His stomach churns and he leans forward a little, head hitting Ghosts shoulder.
Johnnys number one person is Ghost. He is his reason to exist, to live, to do anything and the thought of getting sick, the thought of dying and leaving Ghost- Johnnys shoulders begin to shake as soft tears begin to trickle from his eyes.
“Oh Johnny. Sweetheart what’s up? Talk to me.” Ghost encourages. His arms tighten around Johnnys warm and bare upper back, holding him close to his own soft chest. Johnny is sniffling and his shaking hands scramble to hold onto Ghost in some way.
“Simon,” Johnny huffs out, burying his face into his partners neck, “I- there’s, like, a lump or something in my stomach. I don’t know how long it’s been there but it hurts!”
Simon completely freezes, hands halting their soothing motions as Johnnys words tick over in his mind. His own emotions come creeping up, his mind instantly supplying him with the same thoughts Soaps did, but he chokes them down for now, determined to talk his partner down.
“Alright, can I see, baby? I won’t touch if you don’t want me too but I would like to see if it looks like an infection or something,” Simon says gently. He picks his partner up and sits him on the sink in the bathroom, fingers grazing over his waistband a little till his thumb catches the lump and he frowns. Johnny whimpers a little and Ghost knows he’s found it and, when he looks closely, sure enough, there’s a lump. It’s large enough that he’s unsure how they’ve missed it before, however Johnny seems to only just be showing symptoms of whatever the hell it is, “Gonna have to see a doctor over this one Johnny.”
“Simon, what if it is that-”
“We’ll cross that bridge if it comes it it, okay? It’s going to be something or nothing, hm? C’mere, don’t get worked up about it, it’s going to be okay.” Ghost stands between Soaps legs and wraps his arms around his back.
“I’m worried Simon,” Soap mumbles, “I- fuck, my minds going a million miles a minute.”
“It’s alright Johnny. First thing Monday morning I’ll set you an appointment up, okay? I’m a little worried too but it’ll be fine, I promise. We’ve gotten through shit before, Johnny, we can do it again.”
Soap sniffles and buries his nose deeper into Ghosts neck, feeling the warmth radiating from his partner, “I don’t want to go through shit again, Simon. Everything was supposed to get better when we left.”
Ghost combs his fingers through the untamed and slightly damp hair at the back of Johnny’s head, “I know, love, I know.”
Monday rolls around both too quickly and agonisingly slow. Simon tried to keep their spirits high but Soap is still sick and every time a new symptom arises or he throws up, a deeper pit opens up inside of Ghosts stomach. He feels awful for feeling so scared, especially when this is happening to Johnny and not him, but when the presenting symptoms are all pointing towards The Big ‘C’, Simon can’t help but think about the future. The following years may not even have Johnny in them and that unsettles Ghost more than any other thought in his life.
Originally, Soap had wanted Ghost to come with him to the Doctors. He wanted Ghost to talk on his behalf and hold his hand but when they got there, Johnny became shameful and embarrassed. A quiet mumble of “Will you please stay out here?” from Johnny had Ghosts heart pounding. He doesn’t want Johnny to go through this alone but he will always respect his partners wishes.
When Johnny leaves, Ghosts hand feels cold. His heart hurts, prior walls slowly rebuilding themselves and suffocating his soul, like a plant without sunlight. The dark, overcast cloud settles over his heart as he looks to his side and sees the seat that Johnny was in, but isn’t anymore. He trains himself to zone out, counting the dots on the off-white linoleum below him, before he is disturbed by his name being called.
His eyes shoot up and train on the receptionist who is smiling a little uneasily at him, “The Doctor wants to see you. Nothing bad, your partner has asked for you.”
Simon nods and heads in the direction the receptionist pointed him in. He pushes the light door open and sees Johnny with a much brighter looking expression on his face.
“Hey,” Simon says, reaching out for his partners shoulder and squeezing it lightly, “You solid?”
“Aye,” Soap smiles, gesturing for Ghost to sit, “Doctor isn’t too concerned.”
Ghost turns to the Doctor who was typing on her computer to confirm what he’s hearing, “I’m going to order an in-surgery Ultrasound just to be absolutely certain but it’s very likely that given your surgical history and the conditions you described your surgeries taking place in, that it’s an incisional hernia.”
“What’s that mean, then?” Ghost asks, voice gruff despite the relief coursing through his body.
“It means, Simon, that those Doctors back on base are shoddy as all hell and didn’t put me back together properly.”
The Doctor laughs lightly, “The body is constantly changing. Due to the fact your last surgery was in the military hospital and not in the greatest conditions, there’s a chance it wasn’t the cleanest surgery ever performed. It may have been fine at first but these things can develop over time. The important thing is that it’s nothing too serious.”
Simon nods a little, hand cupping around Soaps waist and squeezing a little, “How do you treat it?”
“Surgery. It can be done laparoscopically however I would like to ensure there is no damage deeper beneath the tissues as a result of the past procedure. I will refer you over to a surgeon who will review your case. Once they’re in there, they will push the protruding tissue back where it belongs, remove any scar tissue and most likely apply a mesh to try and prevent recurrence of this.”
“And it’s a safe surgery?” Ghost presses.
“Relatively low risk, yes. We will monitor John closely following the procedure, of course, and he will be in surgery for as like as 90 minutes and usually no more than 3 hours.”
“That’s great,” Johnny says with a wide smile, “God that’s such a relief.”
The relief is over pretty quickly. The surgeon they meet with just a week later is thorough, extremely so, and pokes and prods at Soap for what feels like hours on end before talking him through the surgical plan. It is something that makes Soaps stomach turn more so than before and even Ghost is squeamish at the thought of people rummaging around Soaps insides like he's a handbag.
Unfortunately for Soap, the surgery can only go ahead a month later. For him, that's a month of agony. Nausea coming and going in off-putting waves, pain so blindingly painful he goes dizzy, food aversions that he just cannot shift. It's scary. His constant vomiting is causing him to lose a little weight, the lack of nutrients in his body leaving him gaunt and sickly looking. Ghost nearly forces Soap into the A&E one night as Johnny was lay on the floor, sobbing and resting his head in Ghosts lap, unable to move. Ghost, quite frankly, is going insane with worry at the sight of Johnny like this. It never occurred to him that even outside the army, Soap can still get hurt and goddamnit this is harder to watch than Johnny getting stabbed sometimes.
When the day of the surgery rolled around, both of them looked worse for wear. Simon hasn't had a good nights sleep in weeks, forcing himself to lay awake at night to massage Soap's aching stomach, refusing to allow himself to feel guilty if Johnny gets sick in the night and he isn't there for him. Johnny has had a pretty constant trail of sweat across his forehead from the force of repeatedly vomiting and his hair is slicked back with oils. He looks as tired as Simon feels but they both manage to walk into the pre-op exam with weak smiles.
Ghost is kicked out a lot sooner than he hoped. After barely 30 minutes, he is asked to go and wait in the surgery waiting room for updates whilst Soap is taken for his procedure.
During his time in the military, Ghost has found many tactics to pass the mind-numbing minutes awaiting him. When on recon, he would count airplanes or birds, if holed up in his sniper post he would recite stories or songs in his mind, if he was waiting for a briefing, he would whip out a pack of cards and play games with Johnny. He is well trained in wasting time, yet as the clock ticks past the second hour, his heart starts to race and his feet tap against the floor impatiently.
He asks a nurse if there's any updates, stalks the halls for a while, before, just as the three hour mark starts to near, bolting back to his seat and resting his head in his hands, tugging lightly at his hair. After two hours and forty minutes, Johnny's Surgeon comes and greets Simon. The Surgeon, Dr Dennis, has a smile on his face and instantly Ghost can feel his heart rate begin to even out.
"We're just waiting on him to come around now," Dr Dennis starts, "Everything went well, he shouldn't be in any more pain now other than obviously some post-op discomfort. We put a mesh in to try and prevent this from recurring too since the surgery that caused this was not done to the best standard."
Ghost nods, "Thankyou so much. When will I be able to see him?"
"We'll give you a shout when he's up and talking and then you'll be able to take him home later today if no complications arise in the meantime."
Johnny comes around from his surgery forty-five minutes later and, after having a once over from the Doctor and a chat about post-op care, Ghost is allowed in to see him. He nearly bursts into tears seeing Johnny propped awkwardly in bed with the largest grin on his face, "Simon!"
"Johnny," Ghost mutters, rushing to his side and squeezing his hand lightly, "How are you doing?"
"Tired, for sure, but I'm not hurtin' anymore! I feel great."
"That's so good baby," Simon murmurs, taking Johnny's hand and pulling it to his lips, kissing his knuckles lightly, "I was so fucking worried about you."
"I know, sweetheart, but you don't have to be anymore, I'm alright." Johnny assures, smiling tiredly at Simon.
Ghost sighs a little and gingerly sits on the edge of Soaps bed. He runs his thumb repeatedly over Johnny's knuckles and forces a sad smile, "Johnny you- you don't understand. When you first found it and we thought it was- fuck. Jesus I nearly went insane. I don't know what I would've done if I lost you."
Johnny sympathises, "You haven't lost me though, I'm here. I will be for a long time."
"Jesus Johnny, before you I- I've never wanted to live before, never cared to, but now I want to live forever with you and realising that when you were sick is the worst thing I've ever experienced because every time you threw up or went weak, I thought I was losing you and the thought of being forced to live without you crushes me."
Soap opens his arms and beckons Ghost in for a warm embrace, "C'mere Simon."
Ghost shakes his head, "Don't wanna hurt you."
Johnny rolls his eyes, "I'm fine now get your arse over here, I feel like I've been asleep all year, I bloody missed you."
Ghost reluctantly gives in and tentatively leans into Soaps open arms. He breathes in his familiar scent, albeit masked behind the sterility of the hospital around him yet nonetheless still Johnny. He closes his eyes and clutches onto him tightly whilst exercising great caution over where his hands are in case he disturbs the new wound on Johnny's side.
"I won't leave you Simon. Not without one hell of a fight. You have me always. In this life, the next, forever. I'm not going anywhere without you, my love. I swear that to you now, okay?"
And a tear falls from Ghosts eye as he nods and burrows his face deeper into Soaps neck, "Okay."