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Present
This was wrong. This was all wrong. How could this be right? Dan wanted to cover his ears, just so he didn’t have to hear this. He wanted to scream as loudly as he could, just to drown out his mom and dad’s voices. Was it still mom and dad now? Or was it just mom, dad? No relation?
Just a few hours ago, his dad had joked about the dirty baking tray and asked if Dan and his brother had baked ‘special brownies’ and even though that’s exactly what happened, Dan just laughed and said, “no”.
Just a few hours ago, his mom had laughed heartily at Dan’s spontaneous song about their neighbour Brenda after she wouldn’t stop inviting his mom to her weekly bingo group. Was Brenda still ‘their’ neighbour? Who would be ‘they’ after dad moved out? Or would he stay in the house next to Brenda’s and Dan would have to move out? Would he live with his mom or his dad?
“Dan, are you listening?” Dan’s father interrupted his thoughts.
“Yes, of course I am,” Dan answered quickly. He was surprised, that his voice was still steady. How could it be, if the rest of him was not? Because he was bouncing his knee up and down and thoughts were racing through his brain and he wasn’t sure if he was going to cry or not. He shouldn’t, but he probably would. What was the big deal anyway? People grow apart, they get divorced, there’s drama and sadness and it happens everywhere. But not in Dan’s life, not ever.
“It’s just better this way. We will both be able to chase our own dreams without constantly having to make compromises. We hope that both of you understand that this has nothing to do with you because you’re the best children we could ever hope for.”
His mom even got teary at the end, and even though this was a highly emotional moment, Dan just couldn’t force a reaction out of himself. He couldn’t process what was happening, the almost only word his brain could form was ‘wrong’. This was all wrong. There was just one other word, a name breezing calmly through the storm of Dan’s thoughts: ‘Phil’.
One Day Before
Dan sat on the old swing set, trying to relax himself. There was so much going on in his house, music and people and laughter and shouting. Why did he ever think throwing a house party would be a good idea. A quiet game night would’ve done the job, to be honest. But he had to admit, it was fun, even though he already dreaded having to clean up the next day before his parents came home.
His parents being away was the reason he threw the house party, actually. It was just a joke, at first, a sarcastic ‘yeah, right’ when his dad had warned him not to throw a party while they were away. But then the thought had been planted in his mind, and after telling his brother Aidan about it, there was no stopping them. Together, they texted all of their friends (mostly Aidan’s since Dan didn’t have many) and ordered an older friend to get them the alcohol. While Aidan went to a ‘friend’ of his to get some weed, Dan proofed the house, putting expensive and easy-to-break things as far out of reach as possible.
That’s how you do a house party, right?
As if Dan would know.
The first people to arrive were Dan’s friends; Chris and PJ. Soon after that, Louise, Zoe, and Troye turned up too, completing his friend circle.
“How did you even think of doing this? You never do anything like this,” Louise asked with a grin, but Dan knew she was really glad. Louise loved partying, but wasn’t popular enough to go to all the house parties.
Being the nerds they were, the whole group ended up on the couch, watching some random Netflix movie on the TV. For a minute, Dan worried that this was just like any other evening, his sociable and popular brother would probably look down at him. But then again, he always did, and right now, Dan was having fun.
When the movie ended, each of them had finished at least one beer, Chris and PJ were cuddling so close you couldn’t tell who was who, Louise was half sitting on Zoe’s lap, and Troye was sleeping on Dan’s shoulder. This was good, Dan decided. He was happy and had fun and actually they could all go to bed now, talking while trying to fall asleep.
But that’s when he remembered, that this was a house party that was going to last all night and the other guests had started arriving too.
And now he was sitting on his childhood swing set, trying to get his head clear, while planning the cleaning. It was only two in the morning and all of Aidan’s guests had gone to the terrace to smoke. The special brownies had been eaten in just half an hour, so now they settled on to joint after joint.
Dan’s friends were sitting on the balcony and were probably talking. He was feeling kind of bad for leaving them to entertain themselves and not being with them, but he knew they wouldn’t do anything bad. Aidan’s friends however were wearing ‘cool’ clothes, the girls looked like their make-up had taken two hours, and the guys were prime examples of ‘cool without trying but actually they were trying really hard’. Just not his sort of people. Also, he was really afraid they would break something.
“Dan, you alright?” he heard Aidan call. His brother was standing in front of him, swinging dangerously. He was talking too loud and squinting his eyes.
“Yeah, take care of yourself though.”
“I will, don’t worry. I’m super fine.” With the last sentence, Aidan did a swirl that resembled a ballerina with two broken legs.
“Of course you are,” Dan muttered under his breath, sighing softly. He really hoped his brother would survive this. But going by his conversations with Dan, Aidan had done this a million times already. With cool people at cool places with proper entertainment and not just a Netflix movie.
Just when Aidan left to go inside, another guy appeared in front of the swing set.
“You alright, dude?” The voice sounded legitimately worried, but Dan’s headaches were getting worse, so he snapped at the stranger.
“Of fucking course, who do you think I am.”
“Uhm, I don’t know. Sorry.” This made Dan open his eyes. A popular fuckboy saying sorry? In front of him stood a tall guy with black hair similar to his and pale skin. He was wearing a simple pair of black skinny jeans and a dorky purple t-shirt with a Pokemon print.
“Sorry I snapped at you,” Dan immediately said, blushing. “I thought you were one of the fuckboys Aidan invited. Oh, but Aidan did invite you so you must be friends with them, oh god sorry. I didn’t mean ‘fuckboy’ offensively, I’m sure your friends are very-”
The stranger started laughing. Dan stopped talking because he was interrupted. Totally not because he noticed the boy’s tongue rest between his teeth when he laughed and it made something flutter in his chest. That would be ridiculous.
“Don’t worry, I know what you mean. And I only came because Evan wouldn’t go alone. And Evan only came because Dodie is here. Sorry, you probably don’t even care. I should go.”
Dan sat straighter. He had intended to stay alone, but now he didn’t want the stranger to go.
“No, stay,” He got out quickly, realizing that that probably sounded really needy. With a downcast glance, he added, “If you want.”
The guy smiled and moved over to the other swing and Dan wondered, if he should tell him that it’s wet. He didn’t. His anticipation was rewarded, when the guy shot up from the swing immediately after sitting on it, starting to shout indefinable words into the sky.
“What the fluff, now my whole butt is wet, why-” he started, but was interrupted by Dan’s laughter roaring through the night. He was clutching the strings in an attempt not to fall of the swing and his laughing wouldn’t stop and now there were tears in his eyes and this was the best he’d felt all night.
“You sound like a hyena,” the stranger remarked, wiping the swing dry. Dan suddenly stopped laughing, sat up straight and looked at his outworn chucks. He shouldn’t have laughed. He knew his laugh was really weird, Aidan always teased him for it. Fuck it, his whole personality was weird and kind of sad even though he had no reason to be.
“It’s cute.”
Dan looked up quickly to see if the stranger was joking or not, but he just looked back with a small smile and kind eyes. Even Dan’s lips started to form a smile, but he quickly bit on his lower lip and forced himself to stop blushing.
“I’m Dan,” he said when he noticed the quietness.
“Phil,” the stranger said. Dan nodded. There wasn’t much to talk about, to be honest. It was a too dark and too late to talk about normal things, they just seemed insignificant. He looked up at the stars and Phil did the same. It was a while until Dan spoke again.
“Isn’t it weird, how at night everything’s different?”
“What do you mean?” Phil said, but it was clear that he understood, he just wanted Dan to explain his thoughts.
“It’s like…” Dan began and paused. “It’s like people are completely different at night, than in the daytime. I can’t speak for many other people of course, but for example me. When it’s light outside, I’m Dan, always laughing at the most random things and making stupid jokes. I’ve got great friends and I’m good at school. I’m the top of the class in history and English and I’m quite good at art. My family is nice, my mum and dad love each other and Aidan isn’t so bad either.”
Dan paused again to look at the stars.
“But at night, none of these things matter. It doesn’t matter who my friends are, ‘cause they aren’t there. It’s just me. It doesn’t matter, what I’m like in school, ‘cause I’m not there. It doesn’t matter what my parents are doing, ‘cause they don’t expect anything from me. Nobody expects anything from me at night. I can be as thoughtful as I want, as sad and distant because nobody cares. Not at night.”
Dan stopped talking. There was a longer pause, before he decided to just go with it. It didn’t matter if Phil thought he was crazy, he didn’t even know the guy.
“I’ve got a metaphor, I guess. Or a theory. It’s pretty weird, but so am I. Imagine your traits are like clothes you wear in different colours. Every aspect of your personality is a different colour. The ones you want to show to the world, the ones you’re proud of, they’re colourful. They’re red and green and yellow and everybody notices them. But the traits you don’t like about yourself, or maybe the ones that you just don’t want to show, they’re white. In the daytime, they blend in with the rest. Like someone wearing a white shirt and green trousers. You don’t look at the shirt. It’s just there because somethings has to be there, something that won’t take the focus off the cool green trousers.”
Dan took a quick look at Phil to see, if he was still listening. Phil was looking at the sky, but his head was turned ever so slightly towards Dan.
“At night, white stands out. Other colours fade to a kind of grey, blend in with the dark background. But white is the one you see. You might not be able to distinguish the cool green trousers from the tree behind them at first glance, but the white shirt is almost glowing. At night, the traits you don’t particularly want to show, are obvious. They’re the first thing you see. That’s why everything’s weird at night.”
Dan stopped talking. It was a while until Phil spoke, but the silence wasn’t weird.
“I get it.”
It wasn’t much, but it put a smile on Dan’s face. There wasn’t anything better, Phil could’ve said. After a while they started talking again. Not about normal themes, like TV shows and computer games, no. They were discussing life after death and religion and human rights and politics and they didn’t even notice the sun rising. Until it suddenly was really bright and Dan realized, that he could now spot the wayward strands of Phil’s jet black hair, and how his eyes were light blue with sparks of yellow.
“What time is it?” he mumbled, only kind of directed towards Phil.
“It’s almost six,” he answered with a smile.
“Wow,” Dan grinned. They had been talking for hours.
He was just about to say something, when some blonde guy rushed towards them.
“Phil Phil Phil!” he was shouting before he came to a stop in front of them, not bothering to even glance at Dan.
“I need your help,” the blonde guy said before rushing off again and Phil barely had time to apologize to Dan before he was gone too.
Dan immediately sunk down and started swinging a bit. When he looked around the garden, the terrace was empty. The whole table was filled with bottles and plastic shot glasses, some broken and lying on the floor. He guessed, that everyone was either sleeping or had gone home by now.
Surprisingly, Dan was not tired at all. Six o’clock was normally the time he’d begin yawning and thinking about going to sleep. But no, he was wide awake and longing for Phil. Was that weird, too long for someone he’d only met that same day?
They did talk for hours though, and they were practically the same person. Although Phil definitely knew more weird animal facts than Dan. And Dan’s humour was more sarcastic. And Phil looked cuter when he laughed, his whole face lighting up and his eyes squinting slightly and -
“Daniel!” Aidan’s voice interrupted his thoughts. Concerned, Dan looked up. His brother was stumbling towards him, his hair dishevelled and his eyes bloodshot.
Dan quickly got up to hold him up. It was times like these, when he wished that Aidan wasn’t as old already. It had been such good times when he was nine and Aidan was seven years old, they were inseparable. But now, times had changed and Dan was still the one bringing him to bed. Aidan looked like he was about to protest, but Dan just lead him inside the house, up the stairs and inside his room.
Which was occupied by some brown-haired girl.
After bringing Aidan to their parents’ bed, Dan did a quick check of the house. There were six guests left, Dan’s friends and the girl in Aidan’s bed. Phil and the blonde guy were nowhere to be seen. Why would they still be around though, it’s not like he and Phil had something going on. Right? That would be ridiculous.
“Completely ridiculous,” Dan muttered as he started cleaning up the garbage on the terrace.
“What’s ridiculous?”
Dan turned around quickly, immediately blushing when he saw Phil. His first instinct was to take a step towards him, at least so near that he could feel the other’s warmth - no. Ridiculous.
“Nothing, I was just talking to myself,” he said, grinning. They had discussed that earlier, so it wasn’t something for Dan to be ashamed of. Actually, Dan realized, he wouldn’t be ashamed of anything in front of Phil. Except being naked maybe. He quickly started cleaning up again to distract his thought. Nakedness - not a good thing to think about when standing next to his crush.
Wait.
Crush?
“Do you have another garbage bag?” Phil said with a smile on his lips that made Dan’s heart flutter. Dan quickly got him one and went back to work, only minutes later realizing, that them working with one bag together would probably have meant a lot of accidental hand touching. Which is absolutely not something one should think about when it comes to their platonic friend.
Phil quickly found a new topic of conversation - anime - and even though they were still as carefree and happy as before, something was different. It was less private, intimate, than at night. The sunlight was shining brightly and made everything seem more real. There was no space for magical feelings and illusions of the night when everything was clearly illuminated.
Hours later, when everyone had gone home and the cleaning was done, Dan was still longing for that feeling in the night air, like Phil and him were the only people in the world and nothing else mattered.
Present
Dan waited until he deemed it acceptable to leave the living room to run upstairs. He lied down on his bed, but there was so much energy in his body, that he couldn’t keep still. He felt like running or shouting or jumping around, just to let loose all the energy, but he couldn’t. It was ten in the evening in the nice suburbs around london, everybody would judge him. Even old Mrs. Fletcher’s dog.
He had to talk to someone, just talk, or maybe play video games. Something. Just not be alone. Dan wondered if he should talk to Aidan, but they never talked. Now would be weird. He internally went through his friend list, but some part of him already knew, that he just looked for an excuse to call Phil.
Which is when he remembered.
He didn’t even have Phil’s number. Or address or username on any social media website, he had nothing. Dan was about to just not give a fuck about anyone hearing him and just shouting his anger out into the world, when he remembered that him and Phil had talked about living. About houses or flats, pets or no pets, many plants or none at all.
Phil had mentioned that he didn’t have a pet, but he would die for a dog, and that he lived next to an animal shelter. There was only one animal shelter he knew.
Maybe it was crazy, but Dan didn’t give a fuck and had phone unlocked within a matter of seconds. After screenshotting Google Maps, he put on his shoes, not bothering with fixing his hair or grabbing a jacket, he left the house. His dad shouted something about being home by midnight after him. His mom didn’t say anything.
Greeted by the surprisingly cold air, Dan grabbed his penny board and walked down the street. He planned on waiting to use the board until he reached the cycle path a few streets down, but there were no cars on the street, so he just went for it.
It felt good. The street was nice and smooth, only minor vibrations needing to be balanced out. The sky was dark blue but cloudy. There weren’t any stars and maybe Dan would’ve been sad, but it was near impossible to be sad when skateboarding as fast as he could down an empty road, illuminated by yellow streetlights.
It felt like time had run way too fast before he reached the animal shelter. Now he just had to find Phil’s home. There were two small houses on each side of the shelter, a green one and a brown one. It had to be one of those. Unless Phil wasn’t being exact when he said ‘next to’ - and most people weren’t - in which case it could also be the red one, another red one or the yellow one opposite the shelter.
Dan decided to just start with the brown one. The front garden was messy and had a dog house. Not that one. The red house was huge and had big glass windows. The light was still on and Dan could spot a family of five in front of the TV. The three kids were all girls. Phil only had one brother.
The yellow one had a dog and the other red one had a room that looked like it belonged to a One Directioner. Dan doubted that that was Phil’s or his brother’s room. Only the green house was left. Dan walked slowly towards it, silently wishing upon the invisible stars.
The front garden had nothing that indicated a pet. The whole house was dark except for one window. Dan felt bad as soon as his feet touched the grass, but this was his last chance. He came closer to the window and spotted some posters on the wall. A person was sitting in front of a computer, their back turned to Dan.
He moved as quietly as he could before waiting in front of the window. The person wasn’t moving. It could be Phil, but there was no way Dan was knocking against the window without being sure. The person just had to move their head, so Dan would see their face. But he knew from experience, that that wouldn’t happen that fast if the person was on Tumblr. Which they were.
He was just about to turn around, when the person moved their head sideways. Dan had to bite down on his fist to keep himself from shrieking in delight. It was Phil. The normal thing to do would be ringing the doorbell, but it was too late for that. And he didn’t really know Phil, so what if he didn’t want anything to do with Dan?
After all, Dan was just that weird older brother of a guy Phil knew. And he was possibly having a nervous breakdown, if his shivering was anything to go by. Or maybe that was just the cold.
Dan counted to three in his head before knocking on the window. Phil immediately straightened up and turned his head very slowly. When he saw Dan right outside his window, he let out a little squeal and fell from his chair.
Dan still wasn’t done laughing when Phil finally opened the window.
“Dan?”
“Yeah, it’s me!” Dan giggled. He then calmed down and remembered why he was here. “Can I talk to you?”
“Yes, of course,” Phil assured before taking a step back. Right. For anyone except Dan it was probably easy to climb through a window that big. A few minutes and much more exercise than he would’ve liked, Dan was inside Phil’s room.
The computer screen was in fact showing the Tumblr dashboard and the poster was showing L and Light from Death Note. Dan grinned when he looked around the room.
“You’re such a nerd,” he teased, getting a poke in the ribs from Phil.
“Do you want to sit on the bed?” Phil asked before realizing how that sounded. He immediately blushed and started stammering something, but Dan was too busy staring at the pink of his cheeks to notice.
He sat on the bed, Phil next to him. They were quiet for a while, Phil giving him space to think about what he wanted to say. In the end he decided, that there was no easy way, so he just straight out exclaimed it.
“My parents are divorcing.”
Instead of answering with comforting words or empty phrases, Phil looked at him, stared in his eyes and his gaze said more than words ever could. When Dan’s eyes began to water, Phil choked out an “I’m sorry”. before pulling him into his arms.
Dan’s mind hesitated, but his arms immediately looped around the other boy’s neck, his body pressing against the other, exhaling cautiously. He could feel Phil’s warmth from the arms wrapped around his shoulders, the chest moving against his with every breath. The position was quite awkward and resulted in Dan’s legs falling asleep.
“Fuck,” he muttered, pulling away from the hug. He immediately felt cold, craving contact again. Phil didn’t even have time to react, before Dan was getting on his lap. What was meant to be a simple change of position to improve the comfort, suddenly was so much more. Phil’s eyes were wide, staring at Dan and when he noticed, that the other boy stopped moving, he took matters into his own hands. Dan grinned, when he felt Phil’s hands settle on his hips and wrapped his own around Phil’s neck. Their faces were only centimetres apart now. But Phil opened his mouth to say something and that would ruin everything, so Dan quickly put a finger on his beautiful, pink lips.
“Don’t worry about me,” Dan whispered. “I want this and I’m sure I do.”
Phil cast a glance towards the ground, and when he looked up again, his eyes were full of happiness. He was smiling widely and his eyes were sparkling and he was so beautiful in that moment, that Dan just couldn’t take it anymore. He crashed their lips together in a long kiss. Their lips weren’t moving, just feeling the other’s mouth against one’s own. Dan was never one to believe in overly romantic things, but damn if that weren’t butterflies in his stomach, he might have to call an ambulance real quick.
But then Phil started to move his lips and his hands were wandering over Dan’s back and his mind was only able to form phrases like ‘oh’ and ‘mmmh’ and ‘more’. It was a beautiful bliss. Him moving against Phil like he knew what he was doing, enjoying every moment. They only stopped when their lips were red and their breathing ragged, neither of them able to fight the wide smiles on their faces. They both let out a little giggle when they saw the state of each other’s hair before they hugged again, close and tight, not wanting to ever let go again.
And if they were hopelessly tangled around each other the next morning, well, nobody had to know about that.