Chapter Text
“What do you know about love?” The turtle - Luigi was 99% positive his captor was a turtle - growled menacingly. “What do you know about my love?”
Correcting him on his terminology was a death sentence. No questions asked. Luigi didn’t remember much about high school, except for the dreadfully awkward conversations with cheerleaders and semi-rampant bullying the school administration tactfully ignored, but if any class lesson stuck out, it was Mrs. Rodriguez’s tenth grade Othello assignment. He didn’t think the psychopathic turtle that looked like a dragon would appreciate being called obsessed.
Because Mrs. Rodriguez would definitely agree that this was a tell tale case of obsession. Right? Right. If the princess was worth her salt, and by traveling with his brother meant she was by default, this terrifying creature’s actions validated the princess’ revulsion. But Luigi wasn’t an idiot. Tempting fate wasn’t something he was keen on. Bowser, as he heard the smaller turtle refer to him as, appeared to be the type of monster to accidentally devour someone without realizing it. And that someone would probably be him because he was so very, very insultingly, despairingly small compared to the turtle.
So Luigi didn’t tempt fate. He didn’t say I know more than you think, buddy since the idea that the turtle did understand or somehow used that connection against terrified nearly as much as the idea of Mario fighting this beast. No. He wasn’t going to say anything. Let him believe in his rightness, and let him forget Luigi ever existed. Sure, being caged up in a prison suspended high above ground wasn’t preferable in most instances, but it did beat being eaten alive.
Probably, his suspension in air would eventually bore them, and they’d throw him back where they left him earlier. Tragically, the universe wasn't kind to Luigi. Because when the small turtle wearing the wizard's robes used his magic on him, Luigi’s wallet fell out. He hadn’t realized it, couldn’t even feel it wiggling free, and anyways, there was a certain of inevitability with how it dangled. He wasn't able to stop it even if he'd known. His arms were bent at impossible angles, and there was a terrible hammer against his skull, even though the hammer didn’t exist.
His mustache was assaulted. It was under threat, and the pain was equally horrible. It took him years to grow that mustache. Mario was practically born with his! Not exactly. Mario's mustache came in right at the start of puberty. But that was the problem. He was wrapped in his pain, in protecting Mario, then failing to do that and swerved to defending Mario’s honor that he didn’t notice the wizard scuttling to Bowser, right arm extended with a tiny, square object trapped in his claw like a fly in a carnivorous plant. Which weren’t an endangered species in this world, unfortunately. And they were much, much larger than the carnivorous plants he’d seen on television.
“Sire!” Said the wizard. “Look here. There are photos in this intruder’s wallet!”
This time Luigi did try to move. He squirmed and wiggled, but there was no use. He was immovable, strapped down in a bright, psychedelic rainbow mold. Bowser glanced expectedly at his right hand turtle and reached down to pluck the wallet out of his claw. For a turtle around thirty times larger than the average turtle, he was surprisingly gentle as he opened the wallet.
“Oh…” Bowser admired the photo he slid ever so carefully out of the wallet pocket. “Who is this pretty, young thing?”
An electric surge hammered up his spine. "Hey!" Luigi grunted. "That's private!"
Bowser promptly ignored him, studying the photo with greedy interest. “Arms around her waist. Bashful, shy smiles? Trying to stare into the camera but can’t quite take his eyes off of her. Cute.” His gaze rose like the rising sun across the horizon. Its light was harsh and unforgiving. If Luigi was able, he'd flinch.
“Her name.” Bowser's command was spoken no higher than a whisper yet it resonated around them.
“I…I…can’t!” Luigi twisted. He’d already failed Mario. He couldn’t fail her too.
“Sire?” The wizard spoke. “Check the back, I think there’s a name.”
“ No!” It was too late to protest. Bowser flipped the photo over and whistled.
“A date with Destiny, huh?” He growled with humor, and he returned the photo neatly into the wallet. Luigi didn’t understand how he could be so gentle with a photo that wasn’t even a quarter of the size of his pinky claw and emit such malice.
Bowser’s grin feasted on his fear, and he closed the distance between them, inching his wrecking ball sized head dangerously close. "It's clear to me that you do understand my feelings. Don't you, Luigi?"
Luigi whimpered.
“Let’s chat.”
—
Luigi envisioned a simple yet successful day. They’d earn money, a full paycheck, from their first completed job since the commercial finally aired on television. It was charming. It was funny. It had heart. It was a cinematic masterpiece, no matter what his uncles and dad said. He didn't think they really needed to check out the city's sewage problems. It's probably illegal, he protested as he raced after his brother.
"You're worried about legality?" Mario remarked at the door. "C'mon, Luigi. Destiny's calling!"
Luigi brightened at the name. "Destiny? Gotta make sure I call her tonight." He grinned bashfully. "I saved her a plate of pasta. You don't think Ma and Pop will mind?"
Mario gave him a look and sighed. “Why would they? They love her. Now, come on, Lu.” So Luigi packed a plate for her, reminding the family as he slipped it in the refrigerator and followed his brother out the door. Going into the city's sewage system probably wasn't Mario's best idea, but it definitely wasn't his worst. He'd never blame him for this. He doubted anyone would've anticipate this outcome. He went from an average plumber to captive in less than a day. The worst part was that being held captive wasn’t the worst part. It was the captor. The captor sitting at a table with a dainty, porcelain tea set in front of him. Aside from the delicately designed tea kettle, there was a photograph of the aforementioned Princess Peach on the side. All the while as Luigi dangled in a cage suspended precariously high up above, except this time he could see the lava below.
“So…” Bowser drawled with not so feigned interest. “How did you meet?”
Luigi puckered his lips, not wanting to tell such an intimate tale. “Well…” He scratched his neck. “We always sorta knew each other. We grew up in the same neighborhood, y’see. Mr. and Mrs. Delvacchio are old friends of my parents.”
“Oh?” He added four lumps of sugar into his appropriately sized tea cup. “And…how did you…” He motioned with his other claw. “How did you end up together?”
“I…” He swallowed. “Um…always sorta had a crush on her.”
“I knew it.” Bowser pointed triumphantly, chuckles rumbling deep in his chest.
He stared at him sharply.
“What?” Bowser shrugged. “You seem like the type to fall in love at first sight.” He gestured to his armored shell chest plate, tipping his head back as he closed his eyes. “We are kindred spirits in that way. I knew the moment I saw my Peaches that she was the one.”
A good counter argument was pointing out the princess most definitely, undoubtedly, and unquestionably did not reciprocate his affection. “Right.” He said, blinking rapidly. “Y’see, we were in classes all the time throughout school, but we really didn’t get close until high school.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
Bowser sipped his tea casually, smacking his bone grinding jaws. “Why wait until high school?” He asked. “It’d make much more sense to make her yours before then.”
“I can’t make anyone mine.” Luigi said, frowning. “It has to be their choice!” Jeeze, what’s wrong with this guy? He really hoped Bowser couldn’t read that on his face. “Anyways, I was too shy. We became friends in our junior year of high school.”
“Friends?”
Luigi sighed. “Friends.” He said dreamily. “She knocked out this jerk named Spike. He was actually picking on me that day when my brother wasn’t around.”
Bowser set his teacup down and crossed his arms. “I can see that,” he said with a deep rumble that resonated all around Luigi. He leaned forward, assessing him closely. “You’ve got a very pickable face. Just makes you want to punch it or kick it! Like a tiny, baby koopa.”
“You kick babies?” Luigi recoiled.
“None of them are mine.” Bowser said before motioning for him to continue.
“Right…” Luigi grimaced. “He tried to pick on me that day, especially hard since his girlfriend dumped him, but I think he was really aiming to pummel me. Then…Destiny came.”
“Oh?”
“Mario usually steps in.” He shifted uncomfortably on the cage’s warm, hard bottom. “But she grabbed him by the ear and tossed him on the other side of the courtyard. Then she screamed at him. You don’t know Destiny. She rarely screams. Ever. But she hollered at him so much that he ran off in tears.”
Bowser chuckled. “I respect a woman with spirit. Just like my Peaches. What happened after that?”
“Luck was on my side that day. Later in class, we were assigned to a group project. She and I were the only ones who ended up doing any work, so she’d visit my family’s apartment to work on it.”
“That’s how you befriended her?”
“Yep.”
“And this lasted for how many years?”
Luigi chuckled. “Honestly?” He started, cheeks more red with embarrassment than the unbreathable heat. “Longer than I expected. Most folks don’t talk to each other after high school, especially when they start college. Mario and I worked for Spike while he went to vocational school for our plumbing licenses. Destiny went into welding."
“Welding?” Bowser deadpanned, teacup in claw. “She’s a welder?”
“Yeah!” Luigi laughed. “I couldn’t believe it. Our cheerleader captain wanted to be a welder! Wild, right?”
“Right…” Bowser nodded without understanding what anything meant. “So…how did this lead from friendship to romantic love?”
Luigi sensed Bowser’s irritation. He was meandering too much, which Destiny warned him was the worst thing a storyteller could do. “It’s why I hate all those long lived television shows, Lu. They meander too much and never get to the good stuff!”
Clearing his throat, Luigi continued. “She ended up having a busted pipe, and for our finals, we had to work on someone’s sink. She had a problem. We fixed it. And long story short...” He scratched the back of his neck. “She asked me out.”
Bowser sucked in the rest of his tea in a single slurp just to spit it out dramatically. Despite Luigi’s scream and best attempts to avoid getting spat on, he felt the liquid smack him in the face like rain. So this was why he was placed directly in front of him. Great.
“Asked you out?” Bowser sputtered. “Impossible! It’s your job to ask her out!”
“My job?” Luigi barked a sputtering laugh of disbelief. “I couldn’t ask my way out of a paper bag, and she’s a grown woman. Destiny asks who she wants to ask, and she asked me, right as we were about to leave.” Thinking about it, Mario was mysteriously absent at that moment, and if they survived this, he’d definitely ask his brother where he was when the angel called Destiny asked him out to dinner.
“And she smelled so pretty.” Luigi went on, drifting away from his horrible present to a sweeter, kinder past. “That’s the first thing I noticed about her the day we met, y’know? The Delvacchios adopted her when she was four, and she smelled as sweet as honey butter. Which was coincidentally cocoa butter, as she called it. And shea butter? Some virgin oil hairspray too. Her hair products always smell so sweet and pretty. Just like her…”
That was the thing. His Destiny was so calm about her invitation. Smiling down at him, she told him she wanted to thank him personally for his help. “How about we go out to eat at that pizzeria downtown, eh?” Warm eyes matched silky coarse hair twisted in waist length braids. “Paulie’s got a discount there, and their pizza is the best.”
“Oh, sure, I’ll tell Mario -,”
Panic flowed in her mellow brown eyes. “I paid him extra just for his hard work.” She interjected quickly, thawing some of her cool mask. “I mean…well…I paid him extra for coming on short notice, and I know this is school credit for you too. But I mean…I’d really appreciate…no, that sounds weird. I mean…I’d really enjoy your company alone. Enjoy your company? Is that normal? Do people even say that anymore?”
It’d taken Luigi longer than he liked to admit to realize what he was asked. “You want to go out on a date?” Awe lightened his voice into a stunned whisper. “An actual date? A date-date?”
Destiny stopped talking and stared. “I…” Her cheeks burned brightly. “Yeah, I guess I am. Are you interested?”
“Yeah, I guess.” Then he realized how that sounded and raised his hands defensively. “No, no, I mean I’d love to, Destiny!”
It was one of the best nights of his life. The photo Bowser found? That was their six month anniversary photo, and remembering that led him to remembering an even more important date. Today’s our anniversary, he groaned, tears burning in his eyes. They hadn’t planned much, just a quiet evening at her place. Knowing he was going to spend a regular night with the woman he loved (not that he was crazy enough to say it to her face just yet!) on the day celebrating they decided to try each other out made it magical, and instead of spending it with her, or at least with his brother if they were working late (which she understood considering her job), he was trapped in hell with a dragon turtle obsessed with a princess named Peach.
Who definitely didn't feel the same way about him. Go fig.
As some universal joke, the dragon turtle wanted to devour his brother because the princess had good taste. Watching the mirage of what should've been fade, Luigi could feel the red, hot light of lava dim around him. A shadow had risen with all its salivating appetite. It hungered, turning the red world black. He blinked, confused since he was certain the perpetual darkness was a byproduct of the brimstone simmering around them. He read its shape, its spiked outline, and with a gulp, Luigi’s gaze climbed up and up until it rested on a red rimmed glare aimed at his pathetically small head.
“You’re fast.”
“I can be agile when necessary.” Or when he wanted to, a more precise statement.
“I…” Luigi smacked his mouth nervously. “I wasn’t lying.”
Bowser grabbed the cage, earning a yelp. “Oh, yes, I can tell.” He sneered, though the flint in his eyes read differently. “You…you pathetically small and fragile found a lover far above you —,”
“Destiny says I’m cuddle sized.”
Bowser ignored his interruption. “Yet I cannot make my equal, beloved, precious Peaches, see me as the true person I am.” His expression softened with yearning, and had he not been responsible for Luigi’s misery, he might have felt sorry for him. Possibly.
“Sorry?”
“I don’t need your pity!” Bowser roared, claws slicing through empty air as his grip tightened around the iron. “I need answers. How? How were you able to achieve your beloved Destiny while I wait in the winds for Peaches?”
Looking anywhere else wasn’t possible when Bowser’s mass smothered the cage. “Um…” He swallowed, smacking his tongue. “I don’t coerce her into doing things she doesn’t want to do for starters.”
It was a risk. A big risk. Such a reply, no matter how obvious, wasn't going to assuage a tyrant’s rage. Yet, it needed to be said, and so, Luigi said it.
“What?” Bowser’s nostrils flared. Luigi could see smoke generating from the tunnel sized holes. Dio Mio, he scooted back to the end of edge, pushing his back against the bars until his spine began to ache.
“Are you telling me…” Bowser’s brow furrowed thoughtfully. “That she won’t appreciate my gestures? Are my efforts in vain? Gone unnoticed?”
Luigi grimaced as he debated his next response. “Eh…she’s definitely noticed your gestures.” Luigi said, wincing as he tried to look anywhere except at Bowser’s glower. “I can say with confidence that she doesn’t like them...or want them.
“Doesn’t like them!” He gripped the cage tighter. Iron twisted and squealed with agony as Bowser’s strength molded the material, crunching it down into an entirely different substance. “Doesn't want them?" For a moment, an absolutely long moment, the great King Koopa appeared absolutely dejected. All of his confidence, all of his strength seemed to evaporate, leaving him an empty shell. Remembering there was an audience, Bowser tightened his muscles, and rolled his shoulders as he returned with simmering rage.
"What do I do?" He asked softly, a complete contradiction of the demeanor he radiated.
Luigi didn't want to question where this was going but obliged. “Don’t coerce her into marriage?” He suggested shakily. “I mean if you really adore her…”
“I worship her!”
The chain above squealed ominously. “Sure, you do.” Luigi chuckled, suppressing his fear. “But she’s a person, Bowser. She likes and dislikes things. You don’t coerce the love of your life into marriage. It tells her you don’t respect her!”
Bowser’s eyes widened to where Luigi feared he’d pop a blood vessel. “I do respect her.” He said softly, then he groaned. “How can I show her the intensity of my feelings? My respect? My love?”
“Not destroy her kingdom?”
“You think?” He asked hopefully.
“It’d definitely soothe some things over.” Luigi propped his knee up. “My ma always says you can catch more bees with honey than vinegar.”
“What?”
Luigi groaned. “Be kind and people will like you.” Considering the fairly extensive list of grievances the other kingdoms had against him, Luigi feared being kind wasn't going to be enough for Bowser. He wasn't crazy or stupid enough to say that aloud. He let the words sink and do the trick alone.
Bowser snarled. “Fear is far more effective.”
“And how far has that gotten you with the princess?”
The cage rattled dangerously, but Luigi could see the wheels turning his eyes. Reluctantly, Bowser eased his grasp on the cage, leaving the one claw right above Luigi.
“Fine.” He said quietly. “You make a point.”
Luigi was ready to release the breath he’d been holding for more than a minute. He was ready to hope, dream that maybe he’d be able to escape this without Mario’s help (though he really, really wanted it). Even a speck of hope was too much. There wasn’t a tug, just a snap from above, and Luigi heard the chain fall as his prison was lifted. Bowser’s remaining claws tightened through the openings, and he raised the cage to his eye level.
“You shall be my new etiquette teacher.” Bowser announced.
“What?”
His expression shifted from decisive to pondering. “Or is it a love guru? Either way, you will teach me the ways to win Peach’s heart as you have won your Destiny’s.”
Luigi sputtered, gripping the iron as he looked above. “What about your wizard?” He pleaded, trying not to focus on the fact that they were now moving.
“Kamek?” Bowser scoffed. “That right-hand, foster father is fired…as my love guru!”
Foster father? Luigi swallowed. “He’s your dad?” There was a short, mournful cry below, and he didn’t dare look to find out who or what it was.
“Meh.” Bowser shrugged. “He raised me and all. Conducted the duties expected of a parent…letting walk over him, attending to my every need and whim. You know, fatherly things.”
“That sounds more like a servant.” Luigi clasped his hands in front of his mouth. “Or a slave…”
“Don’t worry, my new love guru.” Bowser said, completely oblivious to the implications of what Luigi murmured. Or maybe he did understand. “Kamek will supervise our meetings. Your tutelage will provide me with the advantage over your doughy brother.”
“Hey! You gotta think what my brother has that you don’t! Because whatever he got, Peach likes it!”
Bowser jerked the cage to eye level, and Luigi instantly shrank back. “And I can teach you…” His teeth chattered. “It’s not like I didn’t grow up with the guy for almost thirty years…this coming July…which I hope to live to see.”
“And you will…” Bowser said.
Luigi waited.
“As long as your teachings prove fruitful.”
His lips pursed. “Got it, understood.”
But did he really? Despite understanding the logistics of what was transpiring, he still couldn’t believe it was happening to him, to them. A new world. A new dimension. Giant turtles that were more demon-like than turtle-like. He was pretty sure he saw a thick tongued ghost somewhere. Not to mention the dead turtles that weren't exactly dead? Zombie turtles? And the strange, little ghost face creatures dressed in red robes? The ones who sent him here? What were they? So many questions pounded in his head, and he knew none of them were going to be answered in good time. Honestly, he didn't think he wanted to know.
“No worries, sire!” The wizard flew up closer to the cage, eyeing Luigi suspiciously. “I’ll make sure everything goes according to plan, and if it doesn’t…” Kamek chuckled ominously, and Luigi tried to push back with a brave face. Fear and anxiety crippled it. He shrank away, dipping lower until he was staring at the crumbled, crushed form of his wallet.
It was nice of him to give it back, he mused sadly, and he reached inside, pulling out another photo. There was Mario. There was Luigi. Dressed in matching tuxedos, they looked almost identical to how they looked now. But in the middle was Destiny, grinning ear to ear despite the lopsidedness of the photo. It didn’t matter that she was considerably taller than them, wearing a silver dress, and smelled beautiful with all those hair products and perfumes. Actually, the last bit made the night far more memorable than it had any right to be, and that was when they were just friends.
Luigi rubbed the corner of the crumbled photo, right at the edge where it was written in gold, cursive script. Prom 2010.
“Aw, jeeze.” Luigi sighed, folding the photograph neatly. “I really, really hope you’re safe wherever you are, Mario.” Afraid his tears would reveal far more of his weakness, something he sensed Bowser would delight in mocking, he wiped his eyes, swallowed deeply, and determined he’d find a way. If only for his brother and that pretty lady waiting at home for him.