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Being an actor can be grueling sometimes.
Don’t get him wrong. Sound loves his job and he takes pride in the career he has been carefully building over the years. Despite being twice as busy and fatigued as his fellow college students and mostly missing out on the best parts of a university freshman’s life, Sound would not trade what he has now for anything else. While many in the industry seek fame and glamour, Sound is chasing a dream, fueling himself with self-nurtured talent, constant encouragement from his family and friends, and burning passion born out of newfound love.
But life is a daily game of rock, paper, and scissors. You never really know what’s going to hit you until it does and you just have to throw whatever you can in return. He learned this the harsh way during his first year as an actor, from the costume designers who yelled at him for unintentionally creasing his clothes, the cameramen who mocked him for looking “too dark” on camera, the sorry excuse of a director who couldn’t decide whether he wanted him to walk from the left or the right, and the gossipers who often disguised themselves as runners. Oh, how Sound hated that one part-timer who told a tabloid he was dating three girls at the same time— an unfounded and outright absurd lie because as much as he greatly respects the ladies, he has always preferred guys.
Perhaps that’s why Sound is adamant about keeping Win away from his workplace, particularly when he is at filming locations not entirely exclusive to his company’s internal production team. Even though his having a lover is out in the open and his agency and staff are supportive of his relationship, he simply does not feel comfortable with the possibility of his boyfriend meeting toxic people who would not hesitate to sell his face to some newspaper gossip column. Thankfully, Win understood his sentiment and came up with a simple rule to only visit Sound at work if the actor is working inside their agency’s premises or if he informs Sound about his arrival beforehand— an arrangement the lad has been following religiously since they settled on it.
So when he hears from his manager that Win has shown up unannounced at his drama filming location outside Bangkok and is now waiting in his dressing room, Sound quickly suspects something’s up.
As if his feet have roller skate wheels under them, the actor swiftly slides across the hallway leading to his dressing room, its door wide open and a bunch of nosy staff huddled in front of it. He slithers his way through the crowd and into the room, and his heart nearly leaps out of his chest when his eyes land on the figure sitting anxiously on the sofa. He has not seen Win in over two weeks due to his nightmare of a filming schedule and Win’s midterm examinations, and suddenly seeing him in the flesh makes him feel like a desert wanderer coming across an undiscovered oasis. He wants to do nothing more than just pull his boyfriend into his embrace and maybe keep him there forever, but the not-so-subtle whispering behind him brings him back to reality and shoves him back into professional mode.
Sound turns to the twenty people — where did they all come from — standing outside his door and gives them a polite smile. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be preparing to take my leave now. Thank you for your hard work,” he announces, much to the dismay of the crowd who are obviously waiting for some action to occur, before shutting the door close in their faces.
With the distraction out of the way, Sound makes his way toward Win who finally relaxes into his seat after having the room to themselves. After occupying the space beside his surprise guest, Sound suddenly gets pulled into a tight hug, Win’s arms making their way around his waist, his head instantly melting into the actor’s chest. It takes a few seconds of mental short-circuiting before Sound returns the embrace, pressing their frames close enough to feel each other’s heartbeat, the silence in the room the only witness to the warmth exuded by their connected bodies.
If this happened on any other day, Sound would be poking fun at his boyfriend for missing him so badly that he broke his own rule, but when he spots four large paper bags filled to the brim with lunchboxes on the coffee table, he figures something is amiss.
Thing is, Win is great at cooking, but only after he started dating Sound and had sincere talks about bettering themselves for each other did he begin considering it as a therapeutic escapade, a way to release negative energy more productively than mindlessly letting his mouth run amok for him. The actor remembers in detail the first time he witnessed Win’s anger physically manifest itself into fiery bowls of food back in high school. The Chinzilla members (guess which ones) accidentally broke Win’s bass guitar strings while playing hide and seek (how a simple game led to such a disaster, Sound doesn’t know). The next day, Sound found them all passed out in the music club room, four large bowls of rice noodles on the table eerily laid in front of them, each one nestled in broths that could easily be mistaken for pools of blood with how strikingly red they were. Amidst his friends’ apparent dire situation, the actor recalls smiling to himself, his heart shamelessly filled with glee after learning that Win cooked those spicy noodles because he became so angry seeing the strings Sound bought for him get broken.
Fortunately, they have not had any significant fights apart from their tiny hate-love banters, hence Sound has never fallen victim to Win’s angry cooking. Instead, Win would often come to his condo with hands full of grocery bags, take over the kitchen like it’s his personal territory, and start whipping up some dishes simply for the sake of feeding him. And although he would nag and complain the entire time about the most random things, like how Sound is too lazy to wash the dishes, how much “junk” there is in Sound’s refrigerator, and how low quality his stoves and pans are, the actor is never bothered by it, because he knows this is Win’s unique, unconventional way of showering him with affection and showing that he cares.
And as if that’s not enough to make the actor fall for him over and over again many times a day, Win would sometimes go out of his way to make homemade lunch (and even dinner) meals for him to bring to work, especially when he’s filming for the entire day or when he has a packed schedule. It didn’t matter if he had to do it before or after attending his university classes; Win would always make sure Sound’s meals are freshly cooked, strictly compliant with his daily diet restrictions, and arranged neatly in square lunchboxes.
The same lunchboxes that are now peeking from inside the paper bags in front of them.
Sure, Sound did wonder why Win hadn’t sent him a meal all week (yes, he may have become brazenly dependent on his boyfriend), but he did not think much of it other than he was probably busy with his classes and exams which is perfectly understandable. The last thing he expected was for the man himself to show up at his filming site, bringing with him not the maximum two lunchboxes he would usually prepare for the actor and his manager but twenty— twenty lunchboxes.
Something is definitely wrong.
“Win,” the actor calls out to the other with caution, the tear streaks under the lad’s closed eyes pushing down on his internal panic button.
He shifts one of his hands on Win’s shoulder to his lower back to deliver some slow and gentle rubs before probing further, “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
Win has always been the type to maintain a strong front and keep problems to himself until he goes over the brink. It’s a trait both of them share, which leads them to clash a lot. It took several disagreements for them to figure out the problem and start working on being more honest about themselves, and though they are doing much better than before, healthy communication continues to be a work in progress that requires both of their efforts, much like their infamous badminton practice back in high school.
So when times like this happen, when Win becomes negatively charged enough to cook ten times the amount of food he usually does, Sound reminds himself not to force the problem out of the guy’s mouth— a feat that is not always easy to accomplish when the other’s stubbornness would make him wait for hours or even days.
To Sound’s relief, however, Win decides to cut him some slack tonight. Raising his head from the actor’s chest, Win looks at him silently before bobbing his head in approval, the dejected expression he had on his face now replaced with a calmer one.
Luckily, Sound rubbing Win’s back always gets the job done.
Win takes a deep breath before releasing it in a long, drawn-out sigh, all the stress he probably accumulated throughout the entire day now being forced out of his system.
“It’s just…” the lad begins, his voice somber and nearly breaking, “I failed one of my midterm exams and I was just so frustrated about it,” is what slips through his mouth before he buries his face into Sound’s chest again, and the actor’s heart slowly crumbles at the fingers clawing desperately at the hem of his shirt.
Even though Win is living the time of his life at university chasing after his dream of becoming a successful sound engineer, Sound is aware of the immense burden he silently carries on his back— the necessity to prove to his family that he can make a living with music, that straying away from his father’s legacy will not set him up for failure, that instead of following the path his family set for him, he can carve his own way and attain happiness at the end of it. It’s a heavy baggage weighing down on Win’s heart and keeps him awake at night.
“ Shit ,” mumbles Win, his shaky breaths like sharp needles piercing into Sound’s soul, “Maybe my dad’s right. Maybe I really don’t know what I’m doing.”
It’s such a rare sight; the strong, confident, and steadfast Win succumbing to pressure, letting it mess with his head and expose all his curves and edges. Being the only witness to his boyfriend’s vulnerabilities, the actor is overwhelmed with a thousand emotions all at once. On one hand, he is grateful to be trusted by Win at his weakest point. On the other hand, he is also overcome by a peculiar sense of guilt, because as much as Sound wants to completely put himself in Win’s shoes, he cannot do that, not when he is already living his dream career, not when he has supportive loved ones who do not doubt his every decision, not when he already has made a name for himself. Whenever Win talks about his struggles to validate himself and his dream, Sound always finds himself in turmoil, wishing he could offer more than just comforting words and warm embraces, because God knows if Win is taking a road full of sharp thorns pricking him left and right, Sound is more than willing to be the one bleeding and scarred in his place instead.
“Hey,” beckons the actor shortly after a period of silence slowly begins to take over them. “Look at me, love,” he whispers, grabbing Win’s head by his cheeks and making him look up, and his heart unabashedly skips a beat or two when their eyes meet, everything around him coming to a halt as he stares at the man he now calls his world.
Even when sad and broken, Win still manages to take his breath away.
Snapping out of lovestruck mode, Sound puts his hands to work, expertly maneuvering themselves from wiping the tears on Win’s face to settling on his nape, his fingers fiddling with the tiny hairs right around his neck, and he smiles in relief when he senses the other slowly loosening up the tension in his shoulders. After a few more minutes of serene silence and soothing touches, Sound resumes speaking again.
“Remember that time when we were at the beach? The night I sang you that song?” Sound probes, cheeks flushing to an embarrassing degree when his mind slips back in time to his confession during their high school beach trip. Win nods curtly, the slight smile on his face indicating he is likely reliving the same scenario in his head. Disregarding the summersaults his mind does at the sight of the other’s endearing reaction, the actor continues.
“Didn’t you tell me back then, that for things you don’t know, you are willing to try?” he asks, that precious moment between them currently playing in his head in slow motion. Meanwhile, the other only stares back at him, unmoving and in a daze, as if his mind has separated from his body for a bit. Judging by the way his face has turned scarlet, however, the actor can surmise that his boyfriend is taking a good old stroll down memory lane.
“Love,” Sound calls at Win again, grasping his hands, his thumbs drawing circles onto the other’s sweaty palms, which seems to do the trick as seconds later, Win is back to his senses, sending him an apologetic gaze before transforming into one full of anticipation.
“You may not know whether you are cut out to be a sound engineer or not,” the actor remarks, graciously tightening his grip on the other’s hands, “But you know very well, right? That some things are worth trying and giving a chance. That’s how we got here in the first place.”
At those words, Win’s face contorts into an expression barely decipherable. Not to Sound though, for he can tell exactly what’s going on through the other’s head right now, especially once he catches that tiniest flash of remorse in the other’s eyes. He knows deep inside there are still traces of guilt in Win’s heart for not fully reciprocating Sound’s feelings from the get-go and taking his sweet time testing the waters before giving the final answer to the actor’s confession. It’s a worry he often plays off as just a product of his ridiculous pride and desire to never lose against the actor in anything, but during the rare times it cuts, it definitely cuts deep, for Win loves Sound very much and there’s not a day that he does not scold himself for not realizing that way earlier.
“And you also know very well that whatever happens, whether you succeed or give up halfway, I will never leave your side.”
Sound hopes his words are not coming out empty to Win because he genuinely means everything he’s saying. He will do anything if it means he could stay by Win’s side. Just like how he said he was fine with remaining as Win’s friend if that was the only thing he could ever mean to him. Just like the times Win would burst into fits of fury and Sound had to take all the brunt even when he was hurting as well. Just like what he wrote in his song, their song, he is always ready to handle anything Win throws at him and accept all the shades that Win shows him. It doesn't matter if they’re light or dark, bright or dull, a calming neutral or a bold rainbow; he is happy to take in everything Win gives him.
As the actor slips his fingers to fill in the spaces between Win’s tender ones, he can only wish for his words and actions to do justice to his feelings and relay his devotion to the man in front of him.
And luckily, they do. They work wonders, Sound realizes, as he detects life slowly returning to Win’s orbs, the sparkle in them blinding and oozing with a multitude of emotions. He feels the hands intertwined with his own squeeze back, and a sudden wave of joy and fulfillment rushes throughout his whole body when Win flashes him the biggest grin he has seen tonight.
Oh, the things Sound would do to keep this gorgeous smile.
“Thank you.”
Win mutters only two words but the prolonged hug they share afterward tells Sound that those words are meant to carry more meaning than just a display of gratitude, and so he lets himself drown in it, drown within the grasp of Win’s long arms, and breathe in the other’s scent, and listen to his racing heartbeat, and bask in his gushing warmth, and get intoxicated with his love.
And Sound would have remained here, clad in the protection of his most beloved person for all eternity, if not for his stomach making its presence known by releasing a loud growl.
The unexpected noise drives Win to break the hug, leaning back to cast Sound a shocked look before laughing out loud in disbelief.
“Way to ruin the mood, idiot.”
The actor doesn’t even get the urge to fight back because boy did he long to hear that delightful sound slip out of his lover’s mouth. He missed it so badly that he is now praying for his stomach to make that horrible noise again if it meant getting another laugh out of Win.
“Guess I got hungry, after all,” Sound mutters cheekily before turning his attention to the boxes of food on the table in front of them, “So what’s the menu tonight, love?”
The question wasn’t anything difficult nor surprising but Sound catches Win open his eyes wide for a split second before looking away, his one hand pulling out of Sound’s grasp and landing on the back of his head. After a few seconds of minor twists and turns in his seat, Win starts taking out the boxes of meals from inside the paper bags, lining all twenty of them on the table in two rows of ten.
Taking a meaningful look at Sound, Win opens the first box, its contents not as alarming as his earlier moment of hesitation paints it to be; in the middle was a small platter of shrimp tempura, one of Sound’s favorite dishes, together with brown rice, steamed vegetable salad, rolled omelet, and sliced kiwi and tangerine. He then opens the second box, its centerpiece a heaping portion of shrimp coconut curry which Win learned to make recently, and still, it was not enough for Sound to understand Win’s seemingly reluctant behavior from minutes ago.
Until Win opens the third box, and the fourth, and every other box on the table, and the gears in Sound’s mind start turning at full speed. Every single one of the twenty boxed meals Win brought tonight is filled with shrimp dishes in one variety or another— stir-fried garlic shrimp, shrimp pad thai , shrimp cake, shrimp fried rice, buttered shrimp, fresh spring rolls with shrimp, grilled shrimp, shrimp dumplings. The list goes on, and so does the mayhem in Sound’s head. It’s not even about the dangerous amount of cholesterol sprawled all over the table but how the shrimps used in the dishes are strikingly large and plumpy, he can tell it’s not the type one can easily find in Bangkok markets, or if so, they’re likely at a high price.
“Love,” Sound motions to the guy beside him, arm sneaking its way around the other’s waist, essentially trapping him between his arm and his body, “Seems like you used a lot of shrimp. Where did you get them?”
Win visibly freezes in his seat, hands clawing at his knees for dear life, “Uh… well, about that…” he trails off, eyes looking everywhere but the actor’s direction, “...I bought them.”
“Hm, did you, now? I wonder where you bought them. Mind telling me?”
Frankly, Sound already has a clear idea of where tonight’s apparent star ingredient could have come from, but something about his boyfriend fidgeting like a leaf next to him, stuttering and racking his brains to come up with an excuse, tickles the sadist in him, stirring him to get the answer out of the other’s mouth.
It takes some lengthy peering and teasing hums on Sound’s part before Win gives up with an annoyed whine.
“Alright! You’re right! It’s from your place!” yells the distressed chef, cheeks huffing and puffing with air. “I was very stressed today so I went to your condo right after class, but I couldn’t find you inside, then I remembered you were filming and I got even madder because I really missed you, I wanted to see you so badly, and then I went to the kitchen and saw all these packs of shrimp on the table and before I knew it, they were on the stove and in the oven and—”
Win cuts himself off with a low groan before cowering his head in disgrace, “...I used all of them, I’m sorry.”
Hearing all this, Sound should at least be feeling disappointed, because those packs of large shrimps were actually part of the fresh seafood package his father had specially sent him straight from Phuket a few days ago and it was supposed to feed him for the rest of the month. Yet he finds himself incapable of sheltering even the tiniest speck of dismay in his system, his heart turning into a ball of giddy mess instead as he imagines Win walking into his condo, becoming teary-eyed when he sees it’s empty, heading to the kitchen with the saddest pout on his face, aggressively slashing open the packs of shrimps on his table, and stuffing the lunchboxes with the dishes he cooked.
Too caught up in his head, Sound doesn’t notice Win escaping his grip and fetching a pair of chopsticks from one of the paper bags.
“Here, try a shrimp cake. For all it’s worth, I think they turned out great,” begs Win, grabbing one of the fried cakes with his chopsticks before raising it in front of Sound’s mouth, hands trembling ever so slightly and eyes waiting pensively.
Despite the lovely offering, the actor stays silent. He can see how unmistakably nervous Win is and how he is evidently working to rid his mind of his crime (if he can call it one). Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), the actor is at his wit’s end with only a single coherent thought left in his stunned brain, one that has overcome his senses completely from the moment he walked into the door of his dressing room, one that he believes cannot be expressed with words alone.
Sound’s arm reaches out, grasping onto Win’s hand which has been holding the chopsticks for a while now, and locks it in its place. He takes a good second to take in every cranny and nook of Win’s beautiful face, drowning himself in the eyes lidded with every dazzling thing on this planet before leaning forward and locking their lips into a kiss.
Sound feels Win breathe into the kiss and he does the same, putting his free hand on the back of Win’s head to pull them closer, the feel of the other’s supple lips against his triggering an instinct so raw and full of fervor, as if he was some caged animal tasting freedom for the first time, because that’s how it’s always been.
With Win, he is free. With Win, everything just feels right.
When they finally pull away to take in some air, it’s only by an inch, the breaths they’re catching profusely mixing together between each other’s quivering lips.
“I didn’t know you were hungry too,” Sound muses with a smirk before frowning in agony when Win sends a violent kick to his leg.
“You’re a bastard,” hisses Win, the insulting tension in his words ultimately betrayed by the huge grin on his face and the soft peck he plants on Sound’s cheek afterward. And the actor can only laugh at how badly down he is for this man because that’s all it takes to numb his sense of pain and blur everything around them into oblivion.
“A bastard that you love,” corrects Sound, putting away the chopsticks in Win’s hand and leaning forward for another kiss, the plethora of food on the table now left cold and forgotten in front of them as their lips, hearts, and souls melt into each other.
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