Chapter Text
Timing is a funny thing. Hailey knows that truth all too well.
That fact has been a staple in her relationship with Jay. When they first met, Hailey's first love was her career and she wasn't looking for anything. His love was someone else, and she knows he wasn't looking for anything besides that. But the universe has a funny way of making things work.
Like her realizing she loved him as he sat in a hospital fighting for his life. It was an earth-shattering realization of a truth she had known longer than she cared to admit, one that she never allowed herself to acknowledge. The culmination of many tiny moments - sitting in the truck with him and stealing his pens, drinking a few too many beers while they did their thing, and supporting each other both on and off the job - all of which resulted in her falling for her partner.
They started dating after she was sent away to a different city and they were forced to spend a large amount of time away from each other. Hailey never believed in the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder but she started to understand it when she was 800 miles away from the only person who felt like home.
She proposed to him after she killed a man. He proposed, and then he proposed a second time after he made sure that those actions would never have to affect her again - legally anyway.
When they married each other, she knew for the first time, that everything would be alright. Time stood still, and things felt okay for once.
They live hectic lives, though, and more often than not, things are not okay. Which is why it almost feels like poetic irony that Hailey finds out she is pregnant while her husband is spiraling.
She realizes that she's late on the day of the awards ceremony for the drug bust from the Escano case. She's using the bathroom with Kim who complains about having cramps on such an important day and it makes Hailey realizes that she doesn't remember the last time that she had cramps. She doesn't remember the last time she got her cycle.
She pulls out her phone to check her tracker app and it's been too long. She's almost three weeks late. She's been late before, and it isn't anything too insane with her work schedule and the amount of stress she handles on the daily. But this time, it's enough to scare her into buying a few pregnancy tests from the drugstore on the way home.
A part of her wants to wait for Jay to take the test - they're husband and wife, and while they've talked a few times about having kids, the possibility of this child is a complete surprise. Selfishly, she wants him there, sitting next to her on the cold bathroom floor while she waits the two minutes to find out if the test is positive or negative. She wants to see the nervousness, the hesitation, the excitement that she knows will be in his eyes.
If it's positive, she wants to see the smile that will surely take over his entire face.
But he's late coming home. Again. It's not the first time he hasn't come home right away. It seems like the number of days where she is spending her evenings alone is only growing.
Hailey knows that she won't be able to go to sleep without taking the test but she likely won't be able to stay up late enough to wait for Jay to get home, so she takes the pregnancy test alone. The two minutes that she waits in the bathroom of the apartment that she and Jay bought together are agonizingly long. She spends the 120 seconds studying the details of the bathroom, trying to find something that distracts her. That's the problem, though. Everything distracts her.
The shower is the easiest distraction. She can't count the days she and Jay have lost track of time in there. How many mornings have been spent with wandering hands and stolen kisses? How many nights after work were filled with comforting closeness and safety that the small shower stall provided?
While the other distractions are not as glaringly obvious, Hailey still sees the remnants of Jay in every detail of the room. The sink where they brush their teeth and exchange knowing looks in the mirror. The open space leading to their bedroom where they will walk past each other while taking turns getting ready, his hand always dragging against her lower back when he passes her. The picture that they took from her apartment that Jay teased her about endlessly but still was more than happy to hang up in their bathroom when they moved into this apartment.
Everything in this bathroom, this apartment, is a reminder of Jay. A reminder that Hailey wishes he was here for this moment.
The timer on her phone buzzes and she sucks in a low breath - it's been such a long day that she hasn't allowed herself much time to even think about the pregnancy test. If she's honest, she's not sure what she wants it to say. She's scared shitless of being pregnant, of bringing a child into this world when she knows how awful it can be. And Hailey knows what her own relationship with family has been due to her upbringing - how capable is she of being a parent if she has never seen good parenting in the first place?
But then there's Jay, the man who walked into her life at the most inopportune time and changed everything around. He showed her the good things about love and taught her that it's okay to hope, to dream. He's the one who made her want a better chapter in her life, and if there is anyone that she wants to raise a child with, it's him.
He's also the one who is acting differently. The one who has been keeping secrets for the last few weeks. Who has been crossing lines and spending more time with Voight and making choices that the man she married wouldn't make. Maybe right now isn't the time for them to bring a child into this world. Maybe neither of them is ready.
Hailey forces out the breath she has been holding as she stands up and walks over to the bathroom counter where her phone and the pregnancy test are waiting for her. Regardless of her fears and the maybes, none of that will affect what the answer is on the test. And Hailey knows that the only way she'll even be able to deal with any of those concerns is by knowing what the next few months - years - will entail.
She bites her lip as she reaches for the test, feeling a strange inexplicable feeling in her stomach when she reads the result.
Positive.
Immediately, Hailey cries. They're happy tears at the fact that there is a baby growing inside of her. Sadness that she is finding out alone. Terror for what the future is going to hold.
It's all overwhelming - even more so because Jay is not standing here next to her.
Hailey feels when Jay slips into bed that night. It's hard not to - she almost always registers when he slips into bed after her, savoring the warmth and the way he often pulls her closer to him as he settles. Today, though, it's none of those things. She's not even asleep as he pulls back the covers and lays down next to her, even though her eyes are closed. Her mind is running a mile a minute, still trying to process the events of the day.
She is pregnant. They are going to have a baby. It's a truth that will change everything about their lives - their relationship and their dynamics both at work and at home. For every excited feeling she has felt in the last few hours, there has been an anxious feeling to match it. So much is going to happen, and so much is going to change.
A part of her wants to open her eyes and tell Jay right now. He deserves to know - he's the baby's father, after all. Hailey likes to think that he'd be excited. Scratch that, she knows that he'd be excited. But something about it all still feels wrong. She doesn't want to tell him that she's carrying their child while he is still holding so much back from her.
His hand brushes against her back like it does almost every night, and his lips press a soft kiss to her cheek that makes the emotions in her throat build - she'll blame the pregnancy hormones.
He lays down next to her and whispers a quiet goodnight - there's no asking if she's still awake and there's no apologizing for being late. Again. It doesn't seem to bother him that he is leaving every morning before she wakes up and he is getting home after she has fallen asleep. At least, not in the ways that it bothers her.
Hailey makes the decision to keep her eyes closed and pretend that she's still sleeping. She knows that she won't get an ounce of sleep tonight - mind too full to ever let her fully rest - but she also knows that he's tired and she doesn't want to start what will likely become an argument right now. She'll put a pin in it and ask him about where he's been in the morning.
She just hopes that for her sake - and now their baby's - that he'll be honest.
"You got home late last night."
Hailey feels like a broken record. It's probably the third morning in a row that she has said this to him while they sat at their desks in an empty bullpen, slowly drinking coffee while they wait for the rest of the team to arrive. The only difference is today, Hailey is drinking decaf, and hoping that Jay won't notice.
A hum buzzes against Jay's lips as he looks up from his computer. It's the same noncommittal hum she has been met with every time she has asked this question.
"I just stayed late to do some stuff for the case. Lost track of time, that's all."
Lost track of time. Was busy doing paperwork. Consulting with Voight about the case. At this point, Hailey has heard every excuse as to why Jay has been leaving early and getting home late. The only thing she hasn't heard is the truth.
"That's the third night this week -" Hailey presses her luck, hoping that maybe he will catch where she is going with this and tell her what's going on. "And you left early this morning. I didn't even see you before you left."
He flashes his eyes up at her again but still, nothing. "We're in the middle of a case, Hailey."
"We've had plenty of cases before. None of those required you being here twenty-four seven."
He pauses his movements at his computer. Hailey's not sure if he realizes what she's hinting at, or if he's just frustrated with her line of questioning but either way, he looks right at her.
"Just trying to make sure we're covering all our bases -"
"And that requires you always being here and never being at home?"
He looks straight at her, eyes narrowed. Since early on in their partnership, they've had something of an unspoken communication, a way of speaking without uttering a word. She can tell what he is saying before a single word falls from his lips - what are you getting at, Hailey?
He never actually asks the question though, and she never answers it.
"It's just a busy time," he finally says with a sigh. "It won't be like this forever. I promise."
The words I promise fall from his lips and for a second, she believes him because there is no world in which Jay Halstead would make a promise to her and not keep it. He's told her that he'd go where she went and that he would always have her back, and every day he has fulfilled those promises and then some.
And Hailey wants to believe him, desperately. Wants to believe the good in her husband, remember the man that she fell in love with, and hold onto the hope that in a few weeks, everything will go back to normal and he will wake up in bed with her each morning and will come home with her each night and spend the evening with her instead of his paperwork.
Hailey wants to believe it but the rational part of her says that tonight will be the very same - she will go home to an empty apartment, and will make him a plate of dinner that will go cold. She will text him asking where he is, only to get a vague text a few hours later telling her not to wait up. She will feel his body shift into bed with her hours after she has gone to sleep, hoping that the next day will be different, only for him to be gone before she wakes. And then the cycle will continue.
"You've been saying that a lot," Hailey murmurs quietly. A part of her thinks he is going to ignore what she said, brush it off, and return his attention to whatever is on his computer screen. But he doesn't. He looks at her.
Somewhere in there is still her husband. The good man she fell in love with.
"That it won't be like this forever," she clarifies when he doesn't say anything, voice a little louder. "You've said that a lot lately."
"It's true," his voice is quick, soft but sure, and it sounds like he believes his words, deeply so. "Things are just a little more hectic with the whole Escano thing and then this case…but it will go back to normal. It always does."
It always does, the words echo in her ears. Even if it feels like an excuse, he's not exactly wrong. Things went back to normal after Jay was shot. Things went back to normal after Hailey planted evidence in Gael's car. Things went back to normal after she killed Roy. Maybe things will go back to normal this time too.
Subconsciously, she moves her hand to her stomach under the desk, fingers brushing against the nonexistent bump. She just hopes that Jay's right.
Hailey almost tells him at the district - after Voight says that they are not each other's keepers, after he threatens to split the three of them up, after Jay asks her if they are good.
Everything in her wants to tell him - because she and Jay are each other's keepers. And no matter what happens on the job, she and Jay won't ever really be split up, not in the ways that matter anyway. And despite everything that has happened recently, Hailey wants to believe that they are good, that they will always be good.
She doesn't tell him though because he walks out of the room before she works up the courage to force out the words.
They drive home separately, and not surprisingly, Hailey beats him home. When they left, he didn't make up an excuse about staying late for paperwork or the case, so Hailey can only hope that he'll be home before she goes to sleep tonight.
Hailey goes home and heats up leftovers from yesterday but when she sits down at the kitchen counter to eat, she just pushes the food around on her plate. She doesn't really have an appetite and she knows she can't attribute that to the pregnancy - it's the stress.
She's worried about her husband, about the choices that he's making. About how Voight is dragging him down and Jay is letting him. It's been weeks since she's seen the sparkle in his eyes and since he has acted like himself. Hailey knows where this road is headed, and it's not a pretty place.
It's a place that several months ago, she swore she would never go again.
Hailey pushes her mostly untouched plate aside and reaches for her phone. When she sees that there is still no text from Jay, she sighs. She's not surprised, so she's not sure why she feels a wave of disappointment wash over her. She knows to expect it at this point - that her texts will be left unread and for several hours each day, she won't really know where he is. At this point, she shouldn't let it phase her.
She's never been one for social media but she allows herself to mindlessly scroll through Instagram if only to have a distraction for a few minutes. Hailey smiles when she sees a picture of Makayla at the park that Kim posted and she laughs when she sees the silly post that Violet made of her, Gallo, and Ritter at Molly's. For a few minutes, everything almost seems normal.
Then she stumbles across a suggested post from some influencer she has seen a few times promoting a new line of baby clothes and damn if she doesn't regret her decision to even pick up her phone. She doesn't want to think about what cruel joke from the universe this is, or how in the world her targeted ads already know that she'll need these clothes in just a few months.
Despite her better judgment, Hailey clicks the tagged account of the clothing company and lets out a soft sigh when she sees the pictures that litter her screen. Footie pajamas with dinosaurs and flowers. Little dresses and bowties. Baby girls with bows bigger than them on their heads and pictures of baseball t-shirts and kids playing with toys.
The one that kills her though is the shirt with big printed letters of "Daddy's Girl" with little hearts decorating the onesie.
It's the type of shirt that months ago, Hailey likely would have rolled her eyes at. But now that she's pregnant, in a perfect world, it's the kind of shirt she might get Jay. One that he would love to see their little one wearing in a few months.
It leaves her conflicted. She wants this baby, wants a chance to do this right and give someone the love that she never felt as a child. And desperately, she wants to do that all with Jay - late night feedings and the first day of kindergarten, bedtime stories, and teaching someone how to drive. But the way he has been acting lately terrifies her, almost more than raising a child.
She has seen the way parents can ruin their children, and she vows to never let that happen to her child.
The key in the lock pulls her out of her thoughts, and quickly, Hailey shuts off her phone and looks up at the front door just as Jay is walking through. It's a little after 8:00, which months ago, they would consider late. But Hailey thinks that this might be the earliest he has gotten home in two weeks, so she is left surprised.
Immediately, she registers the look on his face. He's tired. Not just physically tired but emotionally. She is sure that the case they have been working on has been weighing on him, and he was clearly affected by the conversation they had with Voight. Maybe it is finally starting to hit him that things are not okay and that Hailey is worried.
"Hey," Hailey starts off quietly. They are not normally ones to dance around the other but today, Hailey finds herself playing it safe. There are many things that she wants to say to him, ask him, but she's not sure where his head is at right now.
He flashes her a soft smile as he drops his keys and badge on the table in the entryway. It's such a mundane motion, one he has done thousands of times by now, and it almost tricks her into believing that things are good.
"Hey," he breathes out. His eyes travel to the plate in front of her, and he nods toward her meal. "Last night's pasta?"
Hailey nods. "Want me to heat up some for you?"
Jay shakes his head at her, a silent cue to her to stay in her seat as he pads into the kitchen and goes over to the fridge. It's quiet as he pulls out some of the leftover food and puts it onto a plate, and it's not until the pasta is warming up in the microwave that he finally turns to her.
Hailey wants to rip the bandaid off but she's not sure which one to pull at first - where he was for the last few hours. The fact that this is the first time they are eating a meal together in some time. The fact that she is pregnant.
"How are you?"
He beats her to the punch, and any other day, she might appreciate the question. But now it resembles small talk between acquaintances. Not dinnertime conversation between husband and wife.
"Tired. Long case, you know?"
He hums softly, and she waits for him to bring up the conversation that they had earlier. Before Voight interrupted them, she thought he was going to say something to her. She could see it in his eyes - the hurt, the fear, the readiness to talk about everything. But as soon as Voight left the room, that look was gone. It was like a flip had been switched.
"Were you staying to finish up paperwork?"
Her question is met with a nod, and Jay is about to say something but the beeping of the microwave cuts him off. He focuses his attention on grabbing his food and then walks over to sit next to her at the kitchen island. Hailey reaches for her food again, ignoring the fact that it has grown cold.
"Yeah. Just a few stacks. I figured I could finish the rest of it in the morning."
He settles down next to her and takes a bite of his food. Hailey processes his words as she takes a bite of her own cold meal.
"Voight still there?"
Jay nods, a muffled hum accompanying his response, and when he swallows the bite in his mouth, he says, "Yeah. He was in his office when I left."
"Did you talk to him?"
He flashes his eyes at her quickly, and she knows that he knows exactly what she is talking about. But still, he asks, "About what?"
Hailey sighs. "About anything? The case? The whole Anna thing? The fact that he called us out for -"
"He didn't call us out -"
"Jay," she cuts him off, eyes leveled at him. Jay pushes a bite of food onto his fork but never lifts it to his mouth, instead keeping his focus on Hailey. "He got mad that I got worried about you. He threatened to split us up."
With a heavy sigh, Jay puts his fork down and turns to face her in his chair. "We promised we were not gonna let us being together affect the way we work -"
"That's not what this is," Hailey cuts him off again, a little harsher than she intended. She doesn't understand how he doesn't see it, how he is so calm about this when everything that he is saying right now is making her blood boil. "Jay, Voight's completely obsessed with getting justice for Anna. And that's his decision to make. But it's affecting you and the decisions you make and you have to see where that worries me. I'm your wife, Jay. I'm gonna be concerned."
"Hailey, it's fine. And I get that you're my wife, but you're also my partner and I need you too -"
She hops out of her chair quicker than she can process, and she attributes the spike in her emotions to the stress, to the pregnancy he still doesn't know about, to him. "Don't you dare say you need me to trust you, Jay. I do trust you. That's not what this is about. It's him that I have the issue with."
The air is quiet after she speaks, and she can't read the look on her husband's face. It's not often that she can't see right through him and know what he's thinking, and it leaves her with a feeling of anxiety rumbling in her belly.
A moment later, Jay gets out of his chair too, and slowly, he is moving toward her. He gives her enough time that she can move away from him if she wants, and then he reaches for her hand.
"I know you're worried," he starts off tentatively, and it's clear he is waiting for her to interrupt him again. She simply stares up at him, letting him know he has her full attention. "And I'm sorry that I worried you. I think Voight's just taking the whole Anna thing a lot harder than he's telling any of us. And I'm trying to make sure he and the team both don't fall apart because of it."
That's her husband. The good man who will fall on his sword time and time again to protect those he cares about. Damn, she wants to be mad about it but it's so true to his core, one of the things that made her fall in love with him in the first place.
"Jay, I get that. But I don't want you to get wrapped up in his choices in the process. We've been down this road before and -"
"I know," he's the one cutting her off this time, and it's because he does know. He knows what dancing with the devil will cost them, and he's made a promise to not make those choices again, same as her.
"I know. And it's not going to be like last time, Hailey. I'm trying my hardest to make sure of that."
His voice is quiet, and his eyes are soft, and for the first time in weeks, Hailey is convinced that he is telling her the truth. He's doing whatever he needs to take care of everyone, to make sure they do things right - but part of that is what scares her.
"You promise you'll tell me if it becomes too much?" Hailey whispers. She knows her husband and knows that right now, there is no talking him out of this. The most she can hope is that he'll let her in and let her pull him back before he goes too far.
He squeezes her hand in the same way he has thousands of times before, and then he nods. "Of course. I promise. It's you and me, right?"
She feels herself relax a little at the words, and softly, Hailey smiles. "You and me."
He leans down and kisses her softly, and the small gesture almost breaks her. He's a good honorable man, her husband, and she just loves him so damn much. She worries about him, but she figures that's what it means to love someone like this.
He leans back with a smile and squeezes her hand again before leading her back to the kitchen counter to finish their meals. A voice in the back of Hailey's mind tells her that now would be the perfect time to tell him that she's pregnant. Another voice tells her that this might not be the time, though. They just finished an emotional conversation, and she still feels lingering anxieties.
She wants to tell him, but she wants it to be a happy moment, not overshadowed by all the things going on at work. She doesn't want their jobs to take another happy moment from them.
Hailey takes another bite of her cold pasta and promises that she'll tell him this week.
The next morning Jay is gone before Hailey wakes up. After their conversation the night before, she had been hopeful that he would have still been in bed when she woke up. She supposes she can't expect too much - him being there when she gets home and when she wakes up.
She turns over in bed to blindly reach for her phone, groaning when she catches a glimpse of the time on the alarm clock next to her. It's early and her alarm hasn't gone off yet but there is not enough time to actually go back to sleep.
As Hailey grabs her phone, she feels a piece of paper on her nightstand as well and sits up a little straighter to see what it is. She shouldn't be surprised to see the small blue square of paper pressed right next to her phone - it's not the first time that Jay has left a small message on a sticky note for her but it's the first time he's done it in a while.
The first time he left her a note on her bedside table, she was surprised. They had only been dating a few weeks - long enough that they were staying at each other's houses almost every night but not long enough that they had said 'I love you' yet. He had been sleeping over at her house when his brother texted him and said that his car wouldn't start. Jay wrote her a message on a sticky note he found telling her that he would be back soon and that she looked cute while she slept.
Later that day, she teased him about the note but it didn't stop him from writing more.
He's left her notes when he has gone out for runs in the early morning or when he has slipped out of bed and headed to the store to get coffee or breakfast. As time has gone on, the notes have changed - he used to sign off with "From Jay" and now they always say "Love." They've grown more sentimental, more like the notes a man would leave for his wife. Today's note is no different.
Headed to work early. You looked peaceful and I didn't want to wake you. I'll see you when you get to work, beautiful.
You and me. Always.
Love you forever.
Jay.
Hailey feels tears well up in her eyes at the note - she is not typically overemotional when he writes her little messages, and she is not sure if this reaction is from the stress or the pregnancy. It kills her that once again, he is not here in the morning, and he is doing who knows what at work but the blue sticky note in her hand is also a reminder that somewhere deep down, the man she loves is still there.
With a groan, Hailey pulls herself out of bed with the intent of getting ready for the day. If Jay isn't in bed with her, there is no reason to soak up the extra few minutes before her alarm goes off. She might as well go to work too.
Hailey gets to work, though, and her husband is not there. There's no sign of him at his desk. No files open and no evidence that anything has been moved from the night before. When she glances up at their Sergeant's office, it doesn't look like he's been in this morning either.
Hailey tries to call Jay but she gets his voicemail. She texts him, asking where he is, and the text stays on delivered as she sits down and digs into her own stack of paperwork she has left from yesterday. The text remains delivered as the rest of the team comes in. Jay and Voight are the last two in the bullpen, and Jay doesn't even seem to acknowledge anything when he comes in.
It's a slow day, and Hailey is thankful for that. It's what they need honestly, a minute to breathe in all the craziness they have found themselves in. She's dreadfully behind on paperwork, and by the looks of it, so is Jay. As he reaches for another stack of papers, Hailey holds back the comment on her tongue about how he is behind on paperwork when he is reportedly staying late every night to finish it. She figures getting into a fight in front of all their friends isn't a good idea.
Around 10, Kim and Adam go to talk to a CI about a case they worked on a few weeks ago that they are trying to tie up some loose ends for, and Kevin goes downstairs to log some evidence. It leaves Jay and Hailey alone in the bullpen, a situation that Hailey would have craved weeks ago. Today, it leaves her anxious.
She wonders if Jay can read her anxiety. If he notices that this is not the countless day in a row where she does not have a cup of coffee on her desk or if he can tell that she is acting strange. He's a good detective, and he knows her well, so she finds it odd that he wouldn't notice any of this. Which brings up the question of why he isn't saying anything.
They work in silence for about fifteen minutes. Normally, even when the room is filled with silence, they make up for it with stolen glances and knowing looks, a kick or two under the desk, and smiles that say more than their words can. Today, though, it's actually silent.
Hailey's had a dull headache since the minute she woke up, and now in the silence, she can feel it growing. With a sigh, she pushes away from her computer and reaches for her water bottle, taking a large sip in the hopes that it will be enough to distract her from the throbbing in her head. She is sure it's from the lack of sleep mixed with the lack of coffee and right now, it's killing her.
Apparently, this is enough to get Jay's attention, and he looks up from his work in concern.
"Are you good?"
Hailey nods as she lowers her water bottle. "Yeah…just my head's killing me."
"Want me to get you something?"
Hailey starts to answer yes and then she pauses. She's not sure what she can take while she's pregnant. She obviously knows there's no coffee and no alcohol but besides the big things, she is not sure what she has to say no to. Are pain meds okay? Are there certain ones she can and can't take?
"I'm good," she settles with the safe answer. She can google different pain medications later but for right now, she'll tough this out. "It'll pass."
"You sure?" Jay quirks an eyebrow at her. He knows her well, knows that her headaches never just pass but still, Hailey nods.
"I'm good. Probably just tired or something."
He doesn't seem to buy the lie and Hailey doesn't blame him. It's not a very convincing one.
"Did you eat at all today?"
Once again, she bites back the sarcastic comment that is on the tip of her tongue, the remark of how he would know the answer to that question if he was home this morning instead of who knows where doing who knows what.
"Granola bar and apple this morning before I left."
Jay sighs, and she knows what his response is going to be before he even says anything. "Hailey, you've got to eat something besides that. That's probably half the reason you're not feeling good."
"I'm fine, Jay."
Jay shakes his head as he hastily stands up from his desk, and walks to the break room. Hailey keeps her eyes on him the entire time even though she knows exactly what he is doing. He's done it countless times on the days when she was too stressed or too busy to eat - he's taking care of her.
A part of Hailey is mad that this is his response. How dare he still act like things are okay when he is lying to her left and right? How can he still think about making sure she is eating when he is half the reason she is too stressed to eat? Doesn't he understand what he is doing to her?
But then he comes back with a protein bar - one of the peanut butter ones he knows she likes - and some Advil and she can't find it in herself to be frustrated.
Hailey flashes him an appreciative smile as she slowly opens up the protein bar. As soon as the wrapper breaks open, though, the strong scent is hitting her nose and making her feel queasy. She's never been bothered by the smell of peanut butter but right now, it's making her want to throw up.
"What's wrong?" Jay asks, obviously able to see the change in her demeanor.
Hailey places the protein bar on her desk and shakes her head. "Nothing," she says as she stands up. "I'll be right back."
She doesn't wait for his response as she walks out of the bullpen and toward the bathroom. Being away from the protein bar is helpful, and when she finds herself standing in the bathroom near the toilet, she doesn't feel the same overwhelming need to throw up that she did moments ago.
Hailey takes a few deep breaths as she paces back and forth in the bathroom, willing her stomach to settle before she walks back out there. She's thankful that this at least happened on a slow day where they are just staying at the district but it leaves her with a feeling of dread for when these symptoms start to happen out in the field.
There's a knock at the door and it makes her jump, but a moment later, she hears Jay softly calling out her name from behind the closed door. Hailey glances at herself one more time in the mirror, wincing when she sees how pale she looks and how dark the circles under her eyes are. But still, she sucks in a low breath and then goes to open the bathroom door.
The look she is met with is one of concern, the same one she saw last night at the apartment, and the same one she has seen countless times before. Gently, he reaches for her hand, his eyes on her the entire time.
"What happened?" He murmurs. "Are you okay?"
Hailey forces a nod despite the fact she still feels a little off. "Yeah, sorry. I just felt like I was going to be sick for a minute. I'm all good now."
He levels his eyes at her and doesn't look convinced. "Are you sure? Is it something you ate? Are you coming down with something?"
He lifts his hand toward her forehead but Hailey takes a step away from him before he is able to see if she is warm. She reaches for his wrist and lowers it back down to his side before she says, "I'm fine, Jay. It's probably just from the weather changing so much or because I haven't eaten."
She wonders if he knows that she's lying, if he can read the subtle changes in her voice and on her face the same way she has been doing for him in the last few weeks. She doesn't want to lie to him but she also does not want to tell him that she's pregnant in the middle of the work day in the district bathroom when they can catch a case at any minute. And especially not when he still won't tell her where he was this morning.
"Do you want me to take you -"
"No," Hailey cuts him off, already knowing where his words are going. It's the last thing she wants. She wants to be here, where she can work. Where, selfishly, she can keep an eye on him and actually know where he is for a few hours of the day.
They look at each other for a few moments and Hailey wonders how long it will be before one of them breaks. Before she tells him that she's pregnant and he tells her the truth. Hailey is stubborn but she knows the odds are that she will have to be the one who caves first - it will be harder for her to hide her truth than it will be for him.
But standing here in the district bathroom, inches away from her husband, she can't help but wonder what will happen after she tells him and he is still holding onto his secrets. As much as she loves him, as much as he worries about her, Hailey knows that she can't do nine more months of secrets and lies. She can't put their child through that.
"I'm fine, Jay" she murmurs quietly, taking a step past him through the door to walk back to the bullpen, not turning around to see if Jay is following her.
If he can hold onto a secret, so can she.
When she receives a phone call from Will, Hailey finally breaks.
Jay lied to her. Again. This morning he once again slipped out of bed before she was awake and went who knows where with who knows who. The thing is, though, Jay knew exactly where he went and who he was there with and he still made the deliberate choice to lie to Hailey.
Will calls to tell her that he was at the hospital with Voight, and even without being in the loop, it's clear that Will is worried. He knows something is going on with his brother. It makes Hailey finally snap.
He's lying to her. He's lying to everyone, and damn that's not the man she wants around her child. She knows what it's like to live a life of lies. She knows what it's like to not have your parent put you first. Hailey vows she will not allow that for her child.
On every level, Hailey knows Jay isn't her father. He'd never lay a hand on her, and the idea of putting a finger on their child would likely make him sick. He has boundaries and morals.
He's a good man, a fact Hailey believes even now, but this isn't him. The lies and the hiding and the crossing lines isn't the man that she knows. But she knows how dark paths work, and where they lead. Where they can take even a good man.
Hailey confronts him about hiding the fact that he went to the hospital with Voight and he has the audacity to say that he was trying to protect her. It leaves her with a sick feeling in her stomach and bile rising in her throat. As if lying to her could ever be a good choice? As if keeping her in the dark could ever protect her?
And if he's willing to justify these actions in the name of protecting her, what will he say about protecting their child? It's a question Hailey doesn't want the answer to.
Hailey gets home before Jay and she debates packing a bag and telling him she is gonna find somewhere else to crash for a few days. It feels unfair, though, when he doesn't know that she's pregnant and doesn't know why she is taking this all so seriously. At best, it's a bandaid solution.
But what's also unfair is the way it's almost 9 pm and Hailey is still sitting at the kitchen counter, alone, waiting for her husband to walk through the door.
She never wants her child to wonder when, if their father is coming home. It's been hell for her to wonder about Jay's whereabouts these last few weeks, a hell she promises she won't transfer to their child.
Another thirty minutes pass by before the sound of a key in the door sends a chill through Hailey's spine. She's glad that he's home before she inevitably had to go to sleep, but now that he's here, Hailey has no idea what she's going to say.
She has to tell him that she's pregnant. It's not something she can hide forever and it's not something she wants to hide forever. She wants this pregnancy to be happy, a new chapter in their lives.
What she doesn't want it to be is a distraction from everything that's happening around them right now.
Jay takes one look at her and it's clear that he knows. Knows that he messed up. Knows that she's mad. Knows that a fight is coming.
The same fight they've had countless times at this point - I'm worried about you, I'm fine, You're crossing lines, I'm doing what is best for the team - but Hailey has a feeling in her gut that today's argument is going to be different.
By the look in his eyes, he knows that too.
"Hey," he starts off quietly as he toes off his boots and walks over to her. Normally, Hailey would jump out of her seat to meet him halfway and throw her arms around him as soon as they met. Today, she remains in her seat.
"Hey," she whispers. She watches as he walks into the kitchen, and fights the urge to say something as he drags his fingers against her back as he walks by, the same way he has countless times before. He's acting like things are normal when everything is breaking at the seams.
"Why'd you stay late today?" Hailey figures there's no point in beating around the bush. She already knows that he was with Voight this morning. She wants to know where he was tonight.
He lets out a sigh and she can hear the bubbling frustration in his breath. "Does it matter?"
"Actually, it does."
Her answer is short and stern and it makes him freeze in the kitchen and look at her. She can read the unspoken question in his eyes, asking if she really wants to get into this argument now when it's so late but Hailey doesn't budge.
"Hailey, I was at the district."
"Why?"
"Hailey, I was -"
"I already know you lied to me about this morning," she doesn't even give him a chance to finish, instead cutting him off. She stands as the words leave her mouth, and standing a few feet away from him against the kitchen counter, she is once again reminded of their height difference, a thing she loves so deeply. Now, it only feels like it's creating more space between them.
"Hailey, I already told you, I was trying to protect you," Jay repeats his words from this morning with an extra level of exasperation that leaves Hailey frustrated.
She takes a step away from the counter, and closer to him. "You also told me that we're a team. That we do things together."
"We do -"
"This doesn't feel like together, Jay!" She all but yells. His face changes as she raises her voice, and she knows he's taken aback but she can't find it in herself to care. "This isn't me and you against everything else. This is you doing whatever the hell you want with Voight and keeping me in the dark. This is you lying to me."
Her words are met with silence and it makes her angrier than if he had just spoken another lie to her. In their many years of partnership, silence has always been welcome - they didn't need words to communicate with each other and could say a million words with just a glance. But now the silence is empty, and it's cold, and the words that are lingering feel far more like lies than they do the truth.
"Jay I need you to be honest with me." This time, her voice is a hushed whisper, but it feels every bit as desperate as the words she just yelled. "Help me understand why you're making the choices that you are and why you're siding with Voight. Because right now, I can't see a reason."
Once again, it's quiet, and she can't tell if he's formulating an explanation of the truth or another lie. Hailey's always been able to tell what he's thinking by just a quick glance at him but now the looks leave her confused.
"Things aren't okay with the team right now," Jay starts slowly, and Hailey fights the urge to wince at his words - she feels the lies coming. "Things aren't okay and I'm trying to make sure they don't get any worse. So maybe I'm doing some things that I normally wouldn't but Hailey I am fi-"
"You're doing things that aren't you," she cuts him off. She knows that it's not fair - that he deserves a chance to speak but Hailey needs him to see the gravity of what is happening. Her concern isn't just that he is siding with Voight, that he is keeping things from her in the name of protection.
He is changing, right before her eyes, and becoming someone that neither of them recognizes. And that scares the hell out of her.
What scares her even more is that she can't seem to pull him out, no matter how hard she tries. Hailey knows what the other side of that line feels like, and it's suffocating. Jay was the one who pulled her back when she was so far over the edge she couldn't see straight. Now when the roles are reversed, it feels like she can't get a good enough grasp on him to pull him to safety.
She's his wife, dammit, and she can't pull him back. She can't seem to protect him from himself, from Voight. Hailey knows that it's not that simple - that this is not her fault and that there are bigger powers at play but she can't stand here and watch the man she loves become unrecognizable and not have her heart hurt because of it all.
He's changing. He's changed and Hailey doesn't know what to do to make it better.
And she doesn't have the luxury of waiting around to find out. She can't do what Jay has requested of her over and over and just "give him some time" because, in a few months, it won't be just them that she has to worry about. They'll have a child that Hailey will vow to protect.
"Jay, this isn't you," she whispers. "This isn't you and I need you to see that before it is too late."
"Hailey," he says with an exasperated sigh. By the tone of his voice, she can tell how tired he is. Tired of things at work. Tired of fighting. "It won't be like that this time. I promise. I'm fine -"
"I'm pregnant."