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"You are without help," Mizuki heard Ena say through their headphones.
Both had been alone in call for a while, waiting for 25:00 to hit. Mizuki laughed, brushing it off as if it was just part of their usual bickering, which was! For the most part, as least... It's true that Ena would often throw comments like that without any real hurtful intentions to them often, and that they'd often snide remarks of the same caliber back to her, but the way she said it this time stung.
Was it really just the way she said it, though? It really did sound just like the usual. The wording then? Nah, it was just like any other phrase they'd expect from her. Pretty sure they'd been told something similar by An, Rui or both, heck they even vaguely recalled Mafuyu saying something of the sort... probably? Was that a dream?
Whatever was the case, something was wrong. Something was starting to dwell in their mind. They wished they weren't on Nightcord and that they could've seen Ena as she said those words. They tried imagining it: arms crossed, eyes closed, slightly furrowed brows, small smirk... anger, but also amusement, nothing really seemed out of the ordinary... Ah.
A hint of worry.
A hint of concern.
Genuine care.
That's what those words carried.
Or were they overthinking?
No, Ena had made it quite clear, multiple times, that she considered them her friend. Could... they really say the same, though? They really wanted to, they really, really, really wanted to. They were about to think of what to reply when Ena beat them to it.
"Hey, you've been awfully silent for a while, everything okay?"
"E-Ena..." Mizuki could barely even utter her name.
"Did you say anything? I couldn't hear you."
Gosh, they had lost themself in their rambling, hadn’t they? Mizuki tried to think of something quick, snarky to attack her back with. A "guess I really am" could make things more tense if their delivery came out wrong, which might, considering how quickly their mood had spiraled down.
The more they stalled the worse it would be, though, so they had to go with whatever would come to mind next because they sure did not want to raise any more suspicion on them.
"I was saying~ You're quite helpless yourself too, you hopeless lesbian!"
This is probably my worst choice.
"That's completely different!"
Quick on your feet, Amia… Just think on the go…
"With how much you swoon over Kanade?"
"I… WHAT? I mean, I do think she's pretty great…"
Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad, I can drive some attention away from me now-
"…and so are you, even if you're a nuisance."
Ena said this last thing in a very low volume, but high enough that Mizuki could catch it. A thousand alarms started ringing in their head. They could just pretend that went unnoticed and call it a day, but something was telling them not to let that go. They could always just try to tease her back, they supposed. But they had literally just tried to do that, and it backfired. So now what? What was their next course of action? Maybe keeping the jokester act was still their best shot…
"Me? A nuisance? Aw Enanan~ I'm flattered you think of me so highly!"
"This is exactly what I mean by nuisance, you buffoon," a sigh "well there's more, sure, but you probably don't want me to pry on it. I said I'd wait, so let's just keep it at that."
Read right through them. Relief but also uneasiness. They could stop talking about it, but at what cost? Knowing that Ena was still sticking to her words? Yet another affirmation that she held them close while they were unable to be honest with her? They didn't know which one was worse. Maybe the fact they even considered doubting her was actually the worst.
It's ugly to meet kindness with distrust.
The phrase echoed in Mizuki's head. They felt themself starting to ruminate, before it hit them that they needed to say something before Ena put them on the spotlight once more.
"Oh, right… Thanks."
Mizuki didn't believe in God, but they sure were praying to someone that their words didn't come off as detached as they felt they did.
An exhale coming from Ena’s side wasn’t enough to let them know for sure.
“Well. It’s almost time. Work hard today, yes?”
“Yeah.”
Mizuki stared at the clock on their screen. 12:50 am. Under ten minutes till Kanade and Mafuyu joined them. Mizuki wanted to take a deep breath, but they knew that anything they did could go detected by their microphone and routed directly to Ena's ears, so they took the quiet option instead: get lost in their thoughts again.
"Will they accept me?" Hah… They totally will, don't they? But what comes after that? Will they think differently? How differently? Will they be too compliant? Just brush it off as it's nothing and go back to work? That prospect just…
Change is scary. Trust is scary. Acceptance is scary. Opening up… is scary…
Ena, Kanade, Mafuyu… They're all moving, facing their demons while I… while I'm… Keeping my barrier up… They're moving forward… while I'm… stuck here… hoping it all stays the same… Not giving up this distance… I'm… I'm so pathetically weak for this… And I even refuse to hold the hands they're offering to me. Do I fear getting hurt again so much? Even when I know that they won't judge? I'm not worthy. I really should just run while I still can but… even so… I really want…
"Mizuki?"
Ah, yes. Ena was still there, and their breathing probably got unintentionally heavy. They should've probably just muted themself.
"Uh, hi!"
"I said I wouldn't budge. And I mean to stay true to that."
Silence.
"Can I ask something of you, though?"
A terrifying sound.
"Can you promise me you'll be fine?"
Painful noise.
"That… I can't tell you yet."
"Figures. It's alright."
No, it's not. I'm a coward who is going to get you hurt and upset with false expectations of something that I'm never going to say.
"I'll just keep waiting then. No need to rush it. Take as long as you need. I trust you."
"Trust you." Could she have picked any other set of words? It was as if the universe was laughing at them for their lack of courage. They wanted to let out another laugh, just like the one they did right before their conversation went downhill. Man, they sure wished they could go back in time. So much had happened in the past… 20 minutes… No way only that little time had passed. It felt like it had been years. They wanted to burst in laughter now, maybe tears, maybe both. They opted for neither.
"Thanks."
"There's no need to thank me twice. It is okay, really. It's probably selfish too, thinking about it, but I hate seeing people I care about go through things alone."
That's because I'm not sure if you really can-
"Just wanted to remind you that I want to stay with you and that I'm here if you need me. That's all."
I really don't deserve you, but if I say that out loud, you'd definitely smack me. But then again, isn't that what we do every day? Playfully, sure, but still. Heh… Well, guess I can spoil her a little bit. It is what she deserves, at the very least.
"Oh, my deaaaaaarest Enanan~ You really aaaaaare a lovely person!"
"God one can only be serious with you for two seconds. Whatever. You be you, or whatnot. Your ass is as annoying as mine is stubborn."
And there it was, that rough yet tender tone of hers. Thinking about what to follow it with came naturally to them this time.
"I wasn't being sarcastic… but I can be, if you want me to~!"
"Just shut the fuck up already, will you?"
"Okes-dokes! On mute pronto!"
"Wait, not literally, you dumb little-"
Too late! But it was alright. They heard a groan and a chuckle and knew exactly what it was. They liked seeing Ena happy, they knew as much. Mizuki wished they could do the same for her. Show genuine, carefree happiness, without worries of any kind.
"Maybe someday, but not yet." They liked entertaining the idea sometimes. They weren't sure, and the thought surely kept their brain rattling.
"I'm really grateful for your patience. I really hope I can give you an answer soon…"
Their words went on unheard.