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Justice comes in the form of Rafe Cameron finding her secluded at the docks after Mike and Anna’s anniversary party.
Kiara is planted there, the wooden planks below her feet ground her but the words replaying in her mind render her immobile. She’s a statue with a tape recorder replaying the moment in her mind.
Like I love you, dude.
Thanks. Great. It’s not gonna work.
She would crawl out of her skin if not for the unbearable weight of disappointment happily taking its rightful seat in her heart.
The celebration has cleared out at this point, and John B’s little party trick ensured people left at a reasonable time. (Albeit in a scurry, much to her parents’ chagrin at the Pogues for, once again, ruining everything.)
She had been helping clean up when she found a moment to sneak away from her father’s watchful eye to the docks.
For a moment it felt like freedom, to sneak away like she used to. That maybe she was gaining some control back in this situation with her parents— or even, they finally trusted their daughter enough to let her have this.
But that wasn’t true, she was on a leash.
Everything was fucked and she couldn’t even talk to anyone about it. There was no way to describe the pressure she was under and how hard she’s been trying— it was never enough for either side because whatever she poured into one cup, took away from the other. If she followed her parents' rules, she was a terrible Pogue.
JJ would bitingly call her a Kook and later apologize and say he didn’t mean it. She, even more than him, needed that to be true.
If she followed her heart, her parents would probably ship her away to some child labor camp disguised as a behavioural correction facility. ‘It’s for the best’ they’d say.
With the way she was going, she would lose everything by holding onto nothing.
There had to be a right way to do things, a world where Kiara made all the right moves and it was easy.
She stared into the ebbing waves hitting the dock and imagined that world. Quantum jumping couldn’t be that hard right? If she set her mind to it and changed her very molecular makeup, she’d be able to jump into a timeline where it all worked out.
Tomorrow she’d wake up with the carcass of her old skin and be reborn into the Kiara Carrera that has it together. Who says the right things and does the right things, who can be a Pogue but also a good daughter. A life where her parents trust her and love her.
God that last point was morbid, she’s certain her parents love her. They just have a really inconvenient way of showing it.
Maybe in this world when Kiara tells JJ she loves him he’d click his feet in dopey excitement. Maybe he’d do a backflip and say something dumb and stupid that she’d roll her eyes at but secretly love. Maybe he’d say anything instead of this.
Thanks. It’s not gonna work.
A bubble boils within her. It’s transparent and grows with every breath she takes, it wants to pop but it also wants to scream.
She wants to scream.
But she can’t. Not in this life.
And that’s how Rafe finds Kiara. Deadpan and frozen, only her eyes moving. Distant and flicking through the potential of how things could’ve been different.
It’s not cold by any means but the wind’s picking up. He doesn’t care to notice the goosebumps that cover her bare arms but he’s a perceptive person.
The fact that he’s this close and she hasn’t immediately recoiled is concerning. He’s not sure she’s noticed him yet which does wonders for his grand entrance.
Is he supposed to clear his throat? Announce that he’s here to ruin her life?
She’s supposed to be shaking in fear, not from the cold.
“Ain’t it stupid for you to be so far from your little bodyguards?”
Kiara startles back into her body as if registering for the first time that she’s been out here for a while. She frowns and turns to Rafe.
Upon recognizing him, her face immediately falls in indignation.
“Fucking great,” She throws her head up to speak at the star-littered sky, “Amazing timing.”
Rafe watches her drag her hands over her face, carefully making it clear she’s not wiping away tears. Her voice is thick, he’s never heard it like this before. “Get on with it, I know you’re dying to get back at me.”
“Kie,” Rafe stops himself from reaching out to her remembering how she moved away the last time he was on his knees in front of her. “Are you okay?”
“Like you fucking care,” Kiara takes in a deep breath from her nose and it’s shaky, “This has been the worst fucking day of my life so far so it only makes sense you get to top it off. So go ahead.”
Kiara leans with her back to the docks, the wind continues to blow a chill onto her skin and the yellow lights from The Wreck illuminate part of her face. The other half of her face is swallowed in the blue light of the night but he can still read her.
“Do you want me to get up here so you can toss me into the water?” Kiara points her thumb behind her, “Or do you want to choke me for old time's sake?”
Rafe stares at her in shock, as if he weren’t here to do exactly that.
“Am I being too crass for you?” Kiara spits, “Do you want me to be more scared?”
“Kiara,” Rafe looks around in disbelief, wondering if there are some hidden cameras here and he’s being punk’d by Barry. How he got Kiara to play along was beyond him but it was the only reasonable explanation for her erratic behavior. “What the fuck is going on?”
Kiara snaps her head back to him and finds his confusion amusing, the scream in her throat bubbles in into a laugh instead, but nothing is funny. She laughs while staring right at Rafe and now he’s the one who’s freaked out.
His eyes are wide and he fidgets with his fingers uncomfortably.
Good.
“If you’re here to kill me, or whatever, you picked the perfect time,” Kiara pushes her hair away from her face, “because everything’s already so fucked up this might as well happen.”
She waits a beat for Rafe to give her the inevitable villain monologue, for him to get all pouty and bemoan about how the world is to blame. Complain about something or the other. Say his schtick about how he’s really not the bad guy with his hand tight around her throat.
“Shit,” Rafe rubs the back of his head, “You wanna talk?”
Kiara narrows her eyes at him, it’s a weird way of torture and ultimately, revenge. Listening to her when she’s this vulnerable and using that to his advantage. It’s almost a soft power compared to all the hard power he was inclined to, a different kind of violence. But it’s violence all the same.
“I’m not taking advice from someone who used my parents' coaster as a cocaine tray,” Kiara scoffs.
Rafe has the gall to look hurt, “That was one time.”
“Because you were never invited over again.”
Rafe assesses her, a street cat with the hackles up and hissing at him. She’s not going to make this easy. “You don’t have to take my advice, I can just listen to you.”
Kiara’s lip turns up into a snare but before she can cut him with her words, Rafe speaks. “Is it your parents?”
“I’m not doing this.”
Her arms are crossed on her chest, she looks more sad than angry. Although Rafe had come to understand sometimes those two emotions blur with her. He understands that all too well.
“Boy problems?” He guesses.
Kiara’s glare breaks for a moment so she can look away.
“Ah,” He says but apparently it’s the wrong thing by how Kiara regains all combativeness.
“I’m not talking to you about my issues,” Kiara bristles and pushes off the dock to walk away from him.
“Why not?” Rafe holds his breath as she walks past him, “I’m the only one here.”
Kiara stops and looks at The Wreck where no doubt her parents are waiting for her— not to see if she’s okay but waiting to berate her for her choice in friends.
She can’t listen to them tell her that they told her so. Have them lecture her about how they were right about everything and for Kiara to sit biting her tongue.
So it’s awfully pathetic when Kiara turns around and finds Rafe’s words to be more true than she’d like them to be.
“You always are, aren’t you?” She means for it to be scathing. A dig about how inconvenient his entire existence is but she’s too tried for it to be as clipped as she wanted her words to be. Instead it’s a sigh of defeat.
“I mean before the world went to shit and I—“ Rafe cuts himself off, “I used to listen to Sarah complain about Topper.”
He doesn’t mention how much he complained about his sister's complaints.
“You’re gonna give me boy advice?”
“If that’s what this is?” Rafe isn’t sure what he’s getting himself into. It was better when he knew where they stood, enemies, this was a fucked up cease fire. “Or you just want to vent for a second, it can help.”
Kiara’s dubious. She’s too cautious to jump into whatever this is. Whatever angle he’s playing here confounds her. “How does this benefit you?”
Rafe drops his shoulder letting a sharp breath out through his nose, “Kie, I told you I wanted to help you before and I meant it. Even if you don’t believe it.”
When Singh abducted them, those words were dire. Go along with Rafe and live, or don't join forces in a makeshift alliance and die. Not very promising options.
It was easy to choose going along with Rafe when it was the only logical option. His help wasn’t personal, he had a stake in it too. This, lending an ear, was too… intimate.
“So you expect me to believe you’re doing this out of the kindness of your heart?”
“Nah,” Rafe scoffs, “it’s no fun kicking you when you’re already down. We need to get you back in tip-top shape before I get my revenge.”
If there was a right thing that Rafe could say, he did. Kiara’s comforted by that.
This isn’t anything special, it’s nothing. Talking to Rafe would be equivalent to screaming into the void.
His greatest attribute at this moment is the fact he’s a horrible human being, no matter what Kiara says or does— she’ll always have that advantage over him.
Rafe knows that too. That she’s indisputably a better person than he is and when the morning comes, she has people who can actually look her in the face and tell her they love her. He can’t say the same.
But since he can’t change the way things have been, he could try to make things better.
Well, baby steps.
“I just told someone I loved him,” Kiara says monotonously like she’s reciting a grocery list.
“Mazel?” Rafe congratulates.
“He didn’t say it back,” She shuts her eyes tightly and winces at that.
Rafe grimaces watching her palm press on her forehead, Kiara’s visible distress and discomfort is contagious.
“Yeah,” Rafe drags out the word in hopes of finding what he’ll say next easily. Nothing comes to him and he just stands there with Kiara’s eyes on him, expecting him to give her some fucked up guidance that he doesn’t have.
He’s way out of his depth.
Kiara’s chin juts out in both impatience and annoyance at what he has to say, she throws a hand up to tell him to get on with it. That entertaining this is a new low she never thought she’d stoop to.
Rafe runs a hand through his buzzed hair, feeling the ridges of his skull and wondering why he didn’t just bash his head in instead of having this conversation. “That sucks.”
“Are you fucking serious?” Kiara could wring his neck now.
Rafe holds up his hands in surrender, “I tried.”
“This is so like you Rafe,” Kiara seethes with her teeth clenched, “You make me believe you still have a shred of humanity left in you and then you prove me wrong.”
“What do you want me to say?” Rafe’s voice grows louder, “Fuck that guy?”
“Yeah,” Kiara crosses her arms again, “That’s exactly what you’re supposed to say.”
“Well fuck that guy then,” Rafe quickly says to appease her, “He’s a shit person.”
Kiara sighs. “He’s not bad. I can understand why he didn’t say it back.”
Rafe’s eyes go wide at this whiplash. Now she’s defending him?
Kiara continues, “I came on too strong and it’s been a crazy time for all of us. I think my timing was off.”
“I’m sorry, what—“ Rafe shakes his head, “Am I supposed to be on his side now?”
Kiara glares at him. “Just be an asshole.”
Fair enough.
“What are you doing Kie?” Rafe scolds and gestures broadly, “You’re wasting your time with all this— all this petty shit. It’s stupid.”
“It’s my feelings asshole,” Kiara folds her arms and holds her head high, “That’s not petty. That’s the shit that actually matters. Not that you know anything about functioning like an actual human being— you know, having emotions.”
Rafe grits his teeth remembering the first time he cried in a long time. It wasn’t too long ago. In fact, they were in the same room when Kiara’s face met his with disdain as he sobbed.
His feelings weren’t real, they would never be after everything he did.
No one cares.
And so he says as much, “He doesn’t give a shit about you if this is what he’s doing. C’mon Kie, you’re smarter than that.”
If you placed a kicked puppy in front of him, he wouldn’t know the difference between that and Kiara right now.
“Too far.” Kiara says weakly.
“Sorry.” Rafe’s fingers go to his shut eyelids and he presses them there until he sees red spots, “It’s not—“
“He likes me, I know it,” Kiara says with a certain degree of confidence, “I’ll wait for him to be ready.”
“Why?” Rafe frowns and he can feel the skin bunch up with his hand still on his face.
“Because I love him.” And that’s gospel to Kiara.
“But why,” Rafe can’t comprehend that amount of loyalty to anyone out of love that isn’t familial, that isn’t born and bred. Love wasn’t a choice, it was duty, it was an obligation. She chose to love him? He always thought that was something made up— something people said to make themselves feel better about spending the rest of their life with someone they could barely stand.
Love was never a choice for him, it was bestowed upon him. It was something he carried like a dagger to his heart. He couldn’t imagine pulling that out and doing the same to anyone else.
“And even if I really, really, don’t like him right now,” Kiara paces back and forth on the dock with her fingers interlocked, “I still love him.”
“Okay then,” Rafe rolls his eyes and Kiara somehow catches that to return a scowl, “Go after him.”
It was that simple.
“It’s not that simple,” Kiara huffs out in frustration, and Rafe can see that this is where the splinter is. It wasn’t that he didn’t say it back— it was because she couldn’t run after him.
“Why?” Rafe asks again and this time Kiara doesn’t have as much confidence as she did before.
“My parents,” He notices her eyes flick back to The Wreck, she looks over her shoulder with the same fear someone would walking alone at night. “They don’t like him.”
Rafe snorts at that.
“What?” Her eyes narrow.
Rafe shakes his head and bites back a smug smile.
“What?” She repeats.
“Just,” Rafe presses his tongue to his cheek and looks off her shoulder to where the waves are crashing into the stonewall, “When has that ever stopped you before?”
Kiara’s face flashes with something briefly, it’s like she forgot who she was— and is. Ever since coming back home she’d been trying to do the right thing, whatever the fuck that meant.
She’d been feeling guilty over going missing. And hearing that in her mind made the acid in her stomach burn— she had been missing and kidnapped and had almost died multiple times but her parents made her feel like she was the one responsible for that.
Ever since she’d been back she had slowly dissolved into a hollowed-out shell of who she was.
Maybe she had jumped to another universe, but this wasn’t one she wanted to be in. The carcass she shed was the fierce fighter who might’ve been a little hotheaded but she wasn’t this— she wasn’t scared.
In her own home, with her own family. Now every room she entered she would tiptoe on eggshells while her parents stared at her every move, eagerly waiting for her to fall through again.
“You know they don’t believe that I was kidnapped.” Kiara’s parents were elated that she was back, alive, but they didn’t care for her stories. She learned to stop fighting it and just shut up about her experience after she saw tabs on her father's computer about dealing with narcissistic children.
“Did you talk to anyone else?” Rafe knows that’s the right thing to do but it’s not like he had a support group either to debrief about their abduction. It’s hypocritical that he’s acting all knowledgeable about this when he’s no better.
“I mean they all kinda know,” Kiara gave a SparkNotes version to the Pogues once they reunited. It was partly from the shell shock of being kidnapped mixed with the endorphins of being together again that she didn’t really want to rehash history.
Plus she felt weird talking about it with Rafe right now with the elephant in the room. The fact their story ended with her betraying him after he helped her out.
To be fair, she thought he was going to kill her and she’s not entirely sure he wouldn’t right now.
“It's heavy shit to carry on your own,” Rafe wonders what it would’ve been like if Ward listened to him when he begged for help. When even Rafe knew his mind was a dark place.
He had hoped that if Sarah left their family for this that she’d at least have a support system she could count on. The Pogues all did an amazing job at showing their unwavering unity in the most vomit-inducing way possible.
It wasn’t as nice as he thought it’d be to see it peeled back to reveal the cracks within their group.
He was the one to have these issues— not them. They were supposed to be the solid ones.
Because if none of them had anything to help them through this at the end of the day— what was it all for?
He got the gold and could convince himself that it was what he needed to feel big. Then it was Tannyhill— to remind Ward that Rafe’s the Big one now. It was a simple way to assert his authority over his own father.
But when you peeled it back, it was just a boy fighting for the home he couldn’t afford to lose. Not even with all the money in the world.
It was a place to remind him of who he could’ve been, another universe where he did all the right things and maybe wound up okay. Where he had the potential to be an actual human being. With feelings that were real and validated. Maybe a universe where he would be able to love without a dagger, it wouldn’t be a curse bestowed upon him it would be a blessing. Where he could choose to love.
“You want me to tell your parents the truth?” Rafe moves closer to Kiara and rests his arm on the dock.
She doesn’t move away, gnawing her lip in contemplation, “Why would you do that?”
“I want to help you,” In spite of everything that’s happened, at least his family didn’t question the shit he went through. Not anymore.
Now it was more you handle your shit, I don’t want to know anything about it. Which wasn’t ideal but no one was questioning the fact he was undisputedly kidnapped.
But even then, he remembers begging to be believed— the glaze in Ward's eyes. He was uncomfortable with the idea that his son could be anything less than him, or worse, exactly like him.
Rose was by far worse, Rafe remembers seeing fear in her eyes the first time when he was 10. It took him a while to realize it was because of him.
He couldn’t make things right with everything he’d done and would probably do but he could do this one thing for Kiara and help her.
Unfortunately, help is something she knows that she’ll get from her parents. In their own passive way they believe they’re helping her but how could they? When they didn’t even believe her.
She’s mad now, mad at her parents, at this situation, at getting herself into this mess and not regretting it. She’s mad at Rafe standing in front of her acting as if he could magically make this all okay.
“How are you supposed to help me when you can’t even help Sarah?” The subtext is there, plain as day. How can you do anything for me when you tried to kill your own sister.
“You can’t even keep your sister safe,” Kiara continues, now going into something else entirely. What’s been weighing on her mind ever since she pushed him off the boat, “How am I supposed to believe you’d do that for me?”
At the end of the day that’s who he was to her, untrustworthy. Undeserving of second chances or even reluctant alliance— she would have to destroy her very core to even begin to think she could be aligned with him.
She hated this.
Because when he tears his eyes away from her and she can see his throat bob, she knows she’s hurt him. And it doesn’t make her feel any better.
Rafe doesn’t have a good answer to that, in fact, he’s never thought about it. It was just innate for some fucking reason, a reflex. That when Kiara would jump to fight for the Pogues, he’d be the one to keep her out of it. That when Kiara was in danger, he’d begrudgingly help her— not because there was no other way but because—
Fuck. Because he wanted to.
He didn’t have time to unpack that realization without freaking out which would effectively freak her out even more.
Whatever this was, they both didn’t feel the need to tell anyone else. They would continue to hate each other, maybe Rafe a little less, and stay rivals. Kiara would hate everything Rafe is and has to become and Rafe would pretend not to care.
He thinks back to half an hour ago when he entered The Wreck, Mike called out his name in greeting which was surprising. Considering Kiara is his daughter, Rafe expected more hostility from her parents.
Unless she was downplaying it— that they not only don’t believe she wasn’t kidnapped but don’t believe everything else that’s happened.
Maybe they see Rafe just as a trust-fund arrogant piece of shit rather than a murderer.
“My parents wouldn’t believe you,” Kiara exhales, returning back to their conversation after the detour into their morality, “They’d think I made you say that.”
Something moves in the corner of his eye and Rafe sees Mike standing by the back door with his arms crossed, watching them.
“Looks like they trust me for the most part,” Rafe smiles and raises his hand in a wave to Mike, “To their own detriment.”
Kiara turns around to see Mike nod back at Rafe, it’s a stern nod, but a nod of approval nonetheless. Nothing like the contemptuous glares he reserves for JJ.
“We can take advantage of that,” Mike glances over the two of them and decides to go back inside.
His mind starts buzzing— and not with the usual adrenaline rush he gets when shit hits the fan, no this is more fun. It’s scheming.
“I can drop you off somewhere?” Rafe considers this, Kiara must be feeling stifled. She could use this, hopefully this was the right thing to say. “Anywhere you want— get away from this for a while.”
Kiara’s shoulders drop and she listens to every word leaving his lips. She’s waiting for him to pull this from under her because he would, Rafe would be saying all this as a cruel joke and she didn’t want to get her hopes up.
“I’ll leave you alone,” Rafe adds thinking that’s what she wants.
“Are you being a dick?” Kiara frowns and scans his face for deceit, something to tick her off about this being another way to get back at her. Give her hope and rip it away.
She wants to get out and this, Rafe, is an out. However awful it is, doesn’t matter because she can’t be here any longer.
“I don’t think so?” Rafe pulls his lips down, “Am I?”
Strangely, no. Kiara’s still cautious though. She knows you’re not supposed to look a gift horse in its mouth but what about a snake with its fangs bared?
“And if I want to be dropped off with the Pogues?” Kiara says slowly, careful to take in any micro expressions that may betray Rafe’s motives.
Rafe pulls out his keys from his pocket and hooks his finger through the chain, “Then with the Pogues you shall be dropped.”
“Okay,” Kiara stands still but nods, then she comes back into her body a little more, steadying herself with her decision, “Okay.”
“Yeah?” Rafe’s chest warms. It’s not a victory by any means but Kiara trusts him enough in this moment. And that’s more than he deserves and incomparable to all the gold in the world.
“Don’t make me regret it,” Kiara adds dryly.
They walk back to The Wreck together, their footsteps eventually syncing with their stride.
“If it makes you feel any better, I told them JJ was the one who stole my boat,” Race throws casually while he opens the car door for Kiara.
Kiara’s got her infamous scandalized expression on her face, the one where her eyebrows pull together in disbelief and disapproval. She doesn’t even ask how Rafe knows about JJ (he’d just tell her that he’s perceptive as fuck). Her mouth is open and pulled down as if she’s shocked at who Rafe continues to be.
“You’re such a fucking asshole.” Kiara gets in the car anyway, completely stewing in her anger.
“I know,” Rafe walks over to the driver's side with a shit-eating grin.
Kiara’s anger towards Rafe assures him that he’s on the right path, he can deal with that, easy, but God don’t let her be sad again.