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The practice session goes by in a blur. The synchronization of certain parts seems to be a big problem for the team and they still had to go over the moves for the bridge. They have been practicing for hours straight now, drenched in sweat and limbs moving by themselves.
Seowon was feeling dejected and tired, his mind always asking himself how could they manage all of this, and the burning in his muscles made him want to lay down with Ollie on the floor, but he couldn’t allow himself such luxury. Being the oldest of the team meant he was the role model, he had to take care of everyone and couldn’t be caught lacking as he should be of their support, and motivate them so things do not fall apart. Thinking about how hard Haruto was working for this song, and how he didn’t want to burden the young leader, he put on his best smile and powered through his exhaustion. He kept repeating the moves over and over again, encouraging Zihao as he taught them his dance and joking around with Woongki to lighten the mood.
He even skipped lunch to help Takuto figure out and polish the moves they had gone through in the morning and felt a squeeze in his heart when the Japanese bowed more than ten times, thanking him profusely for the help. The way Takuto looked up to him with his chubby cheeks and shiny eyes and how he trusted him so much was enough to keep Seowon motivated throughout the day.
It was when they were going over the last chorus that Gyuvin barged into their practice room in all of his tall glory.
“So sorry guys I came to steal Seowon hyung for a bit,” he said in the middle of bowing and greeting the team.
Seowon looked at him with a surprised expression which Gyuvin hurriedly responded to with a “you are late for our Love Killa practice.”
Did they practice for that long already? It seemed like they barely got anything done. Matthew was definitely not going to be happy about that. Packing his things, he quickly followed Gyuvin out as the taller one pulled him by the arm. But not before screaming “Children take care, and listen well to Haruto. I believe in you. Fighting~!”
As they made their way to the practice room a few floors above where they were, they had a quick chat about how things were going for both of them. Seowon said they still had a lot to practice, but they were doing okay - it wasn’t the complete truth, but he didn’t want to burden the younger one when he was already a bit down for not having been selected for the killing part.
“You don’t need the official title, you know that right? You can make every line of yours the killing part, your face alone is enough to steal the hearts of half of the girls in the audience“ Seowon said while pinching his cheeks, “combined with your dancing and stage presence no one in the audience will resist you!”
Gyuvin smiled widely, “Enough for hyung to admit that I did better than Jiwoong in our Love Killa performance?” Seowon stopped to look at him with a shocked face. “What? You thought I didn’t notice how you are always ogling at him? You should be more subtle if you didn’t want anyone to notice”
Gyuvin laughed as Seowon hit the taller one countless times. Gyuvin teased him just like kids in middle school did, and the thought of the younger - who seemed like the densest person in the entire show - noticing his very tiny and minuscule crush on Jiwoong made Seowon very worried about who else knew.
They had just approached the practice area when his thoughts were interrupted by Matthew, who appeared far less disappointed than he had anticipated.
“Seowon-hyung, you’re finally here,” he said as he ran towards the older man, embracing him with more force than Seowon was expecting.
“Missing me already, Matthew?” Seowon teased, hugging him back. Matthew sighed leaning more into the hug, it must have been a long day for him as well.
Once separated, Matthew had a hand on his neck, thinking carefully of what to say. Seowon understood that he was a bit awkward for having to kick him out of Say My Name. It has been so hectic with memorizing the lyrics, new choreography, formations, interim checks, and meeting with the choreographers, that he didn’t get to talk to Matthew since the day before yesterday when he was kicked out.
“I’m not mad about it if that’s what you are thinking,” Seowon said giving his best smile, although he was still a bit hurt by being kicked out of the song he wanted to do he would never let it show. Being in a survival show meant those things had to happen, so he didn’t want to take it to heart even if it did sting that he wasn’t good enough to remain on his preferred song choice.
“No, of course not, you are too nice to be mad at anyone“ Matthew replied, feeling the relief wash over him as he smiled back at him. Seowon could see something was troubling him though and with the way that Jiwoong was standing on the other side of the dance practice, he could only assume another cold war was undergoing between the two.
“Is everything okay?” He asked, concerned.
Matthew shook his head. “Not really. Can you believe they want me to do Sub Vocal 2 after being the lead vocal this whole time? They said it was for the best of the team but I’m scared I won’t stand out at all with a smaller part!”
Seowon smiled at him sadly, understanding his feelings, “How about we practice some moves you can do while you sing that part, huh? Me and Woonggi were the original sub vocal 2’s and had already come up with some ideas of what to do that would look cool on stage. Plus, you won’t be overshadowed by anyone with a cute concept if you bring your bright big smile to the stage.”
Matthew smiled at that and nodded enthusiastically, and Seowon was happy he could be of help. He signaled to Jiwoong to join them as they were about to start.
While stretching, he approached the older and suggested that he talked with Matthew later if he could.
“I know, I was planning on doing so tonight,” Jiwoong sighed, “the situation today was a bit draining so I’m glad we can take our minds off of it for now.” He smiled, “But shouldn’t you be worried about yourself? I heard you guys were still on verse 1?”
“We practiced hard today so we are a little past that, I’m sure we are going to do fine even with the small amount of time,” he smiled as he lied through his teeth. He didn’t want to start worrying about his team now, because he knew he would go into a spiral faster than he could control and he was already losing his mind without thinking too deeply about it. He knew he had to practice hard for both as he couldn’t have a lacking performance, and his perfectionist side came out especially on times like these. Without wasting time dwelling on his worries he quickly changed the subject which didn’t go unnoticed by Jiwoong, “do you guys want to just go over the moves and details or should we start with the formation?”
The MCountdown stage was a bit different in size than the one they had prepared for before, so they were adjusting themselves and reminding their bodies of the choreography. Their energy was infectious, their synchronization was also spot on. As they built up the second chorus, Matthew seamlessly inserted an ad-lib of which Seowon was very proud. All four had their best grins on their faces, they all could feel the power of their practice as they began the dance break.
During downtime, while Jiwoong and Gyuvin were bickering, Seowon was with Matthew practicing his Say My Name parts, giving him some input on what he could do to make himself show off better on stage.
The group decided to go through the choreography and their few added inputs one more time, and after having all agreed on their new moves, a staff came inside asking for Matthew and Jiwoong to film their confessional scenes. Seowon thought to himself that they should have talked it out before going in, but he knew the show was going to milk out whatever drama they had regardless.
Both of them left hurriedly as they knew better than to make the staff wait, they promised to look at the formations on their practice tomorrow before the big day.
Gyuvin seemed tired already but Seowon convinced him of practicing their dance break one more time. Gyuvin knew the dance like the back of his hand and Seowon was equally as talented, the two of them moved fluidly as a unit and Gyuvin felt extremely satisfied with the choreography he had created. Seowon wasn’t so enthusiastic about his performance so as Gyuvin left late for dinner, he decided on perfecting his facial expressions.
Seowon was determined to do his absolute best, but his resolve was quickly wavering. His energy seemed to drain after he was left alone in the practice room. The staff with their cameras had all gone home, and as he stared at his reflection in the mirror, his focus shifted toward negative self-criticism. He felt like he wasn't giving enough and this caused an avalanche of insecurities and fear.
Seowon could feel the insecurities settling deep in his core and he suddenly found it hard to focus on the steps. His feet stumbled on the next moves as if they couldn't remember them and this caused Seowon to grow even more frustrated with himself. Every failed step sent a shiver down his spine and caused the inner critic in him to become even more aggressive. His facial expressions felt like nothing more than masks and every turn of the dance made it more and more difficult for Seowon to move with the confidence that he wanted to show.
He recalled all of his meetings with the mentors, and how none of them ever spoke highly of him. His mind brought him back to moments after his Love Killa performance, he couldn’t even enjoy the post-stage adrenaline as he was quickly brought into reality when he saw his name corresponded to the least-voted trainee in the group. He hated that despite trying his best not to be overshadowed by his members nor to bring them down, the lower amount of points was expected. He knew from the beginning that had no chance against their popularity or stage presence, but the fact still hurt. Just like not being able to find the song he wanted due to his lack of skills and popularity hurt. All of those memories rushed through him and brought a really uncomfortable tightness to his chest.
He sighed in exasperation, his voice kept fading and he kept forgetting how to pick himself back up. It felt like every minute was another challenge to convince himself that he can be good at this. Seowon felt that he was lacking and he was worried if he would ever be able to show the best version of himself on stage.
Seowon suddenly stopped mid-way, breathing heavily and wanting to give up on the practice. He wished for just a few minutes to take a breather and calm himself, his mind was driving him crazy, but he didn’t have time to waste. It was pointless for him to take a break now when his practice session was far from over.
He reminded himself he had to do better if he wanted to stand out on stage, catch the attention of the public to bring back fans to his group. He had to do a great job at Mcountdown and in Supercharger, and he would keep practicing until he reached the bar that he had set for himself. His pride kept telling him to put his best effort into every practice and put out his greatest work. So he continued.
He practiced for Love Killa, decided on new expressions, and monitored his work. He wasn’t completely satisfied with them but as he was scrolling through the iPad the production gave him to help during training, he found the video of Supercharger’s choreography.
Seowon took a deep breath and gulped the rest of the water he still had in his bottle which Gyuvin had so kindly refilled for him before leaving. He put on the song that was going to be his in a few days, and let his drive come back. He knew he had to look through all of the tiny details and angles of the moves, and he focused on the dancer with the “main vocal” tag on, putting extra effort into making mental notes on what he should recreate.
The song started playing and he followed the music to feel and pick up the beat. Every move he made was calculated and full of effort as he tried to remember every part of the routine. The faster sections he started to get comfortable with them after a few repeats, he already knew the positions for his verses and took this as his time to go over them while singing.
He was going over the steps that Zihao had taught him earlier today, so concentrated that he barely heard the door open. He was surprised at the motion and even more when he saw Jiwoong coming in.
Jiwoong was also shocked to see the younger one still practicing. He had filmed his confessional scenes, eaten, taken his shower, talked it out with Matthew, and done half of his skincare routine before reminding himself that he had to pick up his tote bag and glasses that he left here.
“What are you still doing here Seowon?” Jiwoong asked curiously, approaching the other. "It's already late, you should be resting."
"You know I can't afford to rest now hyung," he answered simply. "Did you come to pick up your stuff? I thought Gyuvin had taken everything with him, but maybe he didn't see it." Seowon said as he looked around the room, spotting Jiwoong's bag.
Jiwoong noticed Seowon had the horrible habit of changing topics whenever the conversation was heading towards his troubles. He took the hint though, retrieving his bag and his glasses and shoving them into his pockets, even if he wanted to pressure Seowon into confiding in him. "Yes, it was just my bag and my glasses," Jiwoong answered simply, picking them up and preparing to leave, until he noticed how intently Seowon had been practicing the same movement again and again. The boy wasn't going to sleep at this rate.
Jiwoong plopped himself down, sitting behind Seowon but staring at him through the mirror as if he was checking his work. Seowon gave him a puzzled look, to which Jiwoong shrugged and said, "I'm not leaving until you are."
Seowon nodded, blushing slightly at the gaze that the other was giving him. It was true that Jiwoong looked at everyone with bedroom eyes, but even knowing so he couldn't stop the few butterflies in his stomach from making his presence known. Shaking his head slightly, he continued slowly going over the moves for some time, with Jiwoong not interrupting him.
"You know, I talked to Matthew." As he said that Seowon's movements stopped and he turned to him curiously.
Seowon was just like himself at certain things, they both served as emotional pillars to the trainees and Jiwoong knew the boy would listen to him just as he himself had listened to so many. So he continued, "it was a bit hard during practice today, I was a bit harsh and he didn't want to change the position."
"I'm sure you weren't harsh, you are one of the kindest people here," Seowon answered, smiling sincerely without his teeth, which prompted Jiwoong to give a little smile in return as well. "Did you work things out though?"
"Yes, he apologized for acting the way he did and explained his feelings to me, and I apologized for making him feel betrayed, “ Jiwoong said, "I already knew where he was coming from, but we needed closure to work better tomorrow."
"And were you able to tell him how you felt?" Seowon asked, genuinely curious.
"Not really, I was a bit hurt by the way he acted, it felt like he took his place here for granted and we both know that having any kind of exposure in an industry like this is not something everyone can afford to have," Jiwoong said, Seowon scooted down and put an arm on his shoulder as if to let him know he could keep talking.
"It’s hard to open up completely about your worries and perceptions like that, especially with the younger ones,” Jiwoong continued, "but at least we had the conversation, and him expressing regret for his behavior was enough for me. We said we'd see each other tomorrow with a better mindset."
“I’m relieved that you guys were able to work it out though,” Seowon said and then he paused for a second before continuing, “You are always so mature with those things that I’m sure you are going to be a great leader once you debut,” he finished off, giving him one of his biggest smiles.
Jiwoong’s heart warmed up at that, and the feeling of being validated settled nicely as Seowon's supportive arm remained on him.
“I didn’t mean to ruin your practice session though,” Jiwoong added as an afterthought, hoping the younger would take this as an excuse to wrap things up.
But Seowon just mouthed him a 'do not worry' as he stood up, turning himself to the mirror with the reinvigorated strength of someone who looked like they were ready to pull an all-nighter, the scene would have been one for the movies if it weren't for him losing his balance on the way as he felt his pressure lower.
“Are you okay?” Jiwoong asked, standing up quickly to help the younger man steady himself. It wasn’t a deep question, but there was still a bit of hope in him that Seowon would be able to tell him something and get off the weight he could so clearly see he was carrying on his shoulders.
"Yeah," Seowon breathed out, a bit too strongly for Jiwoong's liking. As he saw Seowon's eyes darting between the hands on his hips, himself, and the mirror, he sighed with a tight-lipped smile. He walked away from the younger in the direction of the iPad, preparing to put the song on.
“Why don't I practice with you for a bit and then we go to sleep?” he asked, ready to help in the only way he saw he could.
Surprise sparkled in Seowon’s eyes. He hadn’t expected that offer. Still, he couldn't just ignore it, it wasn’t right to make Jiwoong waste his time just to help him.
"You don't need to do this hyung, I can finish on my own," he said, looking away shyly.
"I can check the choreography for you, and then I’ll tuck you in. I'm sure you will remember the steps more easily after a good night’s rest. Come on." Jiwoong insisted.
Seowon bit his lip, still feeling uneasy. He looked at the other for a few moments before he sighed.
"Okay, thanks," he muttered and Jiwoong put the song on.
He had the iPad in his hand as he watched between the original choreography and Seowon. He helped him with some moves and pointed out the nuances in them, encouraging him with praises along the way. As the song came to an end, Seowon insisted on practicing the dance moves one more time. His energy was draining and it showed in his body movements and the sweat beading his forehead. Despite this, he would smile, straighten his posture, and then put every ounce of his body into his not-so-impromptu practice session. Seowon worked as if there were an invisible taskmaster controlling his movements and spurring him onward, for he was determined to make sure he kept pushing through.
It was when he was repeating the choreography for the third time - to which Seowon had pinky promised it would be the last - that Jiwoong sensed something was off. Seowon’s eyes became unfocused and he missed the timing on one of the steps, Jiwoong was closely following his every move as Seowon kept going as if nothing happened.
The bright lights and loud music made it difficult for him to keep his concentration. His body was trembling but he kept on going, trying to keep his emotions in check. Seowon didn’t want to make a fool of himself, especially not in front of Jiwoong. However, his steps began to feel like lead.
His limbs felt heavy like they didn’t belong to him anymore, and it was hard to tell where his body ended and the outside world began. The song that was engulfing the room started feeling too quiet and far away, and for a second Seowon thought he might have been going deaf.
It felt like an eternity but it couldn’t have been more than a couple of seconds that Seowon felt disconnected from his own body, dizzy and mind blurred, a wave of sickness almost too much for him to take. His heart was hammering in his chest and the edges of the room started to fade away as a pair of hands grasped him tightly.
He couldn’t feel the warm breath in his ear, nor see the concerned look Jiwoong had on his face as Seowon fell into his arms, but he did make out the words "I'm here" before everything went silent.
Jiwoong sighed, angry at himself that he let this go on for so long, as he carefully laid Seowon down on the cold floor.
"What were you thinking, Seowon-ah? How could you do this to yourself?"
Jiwoong sat beside him after getting some water, fanning him with his hand as another gripped his own hair tightly. He waited a couple of minutes for the other to regain consciousness, calming himself down in the process.
"Hyung?"
The word surprised Jiwoong, and he could feel his grip on his hair relax. The gentle plea made his rage at Seowon for overworking himself diminish, he supported Seowon up into a sitting position and as Seowon made an attempt to rise up, Jiwoong held him in place beside him. He wrapped his arms around the smaller one and made him rest his head on his shoulder.
Seowon was still looking groggy and disoriented, "Jiwoong hyung?" he repeated, voice quavering with exhaustion, he sounded scared, fragile.
"I’m here, Won, it’s okay” Jiwoong answered in turn, stroking Seowon's hair gently and running a finger across his pale face that was slowly regaining color. “You should have gone to bed Seowon. Don't you know that rest is important too?" Jiwoong said with a shake of his head.
He offered him the water he had gotten earlier, taking the plastic water bottle to Seowon’s lips and making sure he hydrated himself properly.
“I’m worried about you, did you even eat anything?” Jiwoong said, and when Seowon shook his head slightly Jiwoong’s heart broke, and he pulled him tighter into his embrace.
"I know you want to do your best, but don't ever push yourself this hard again." Jiwoong sighed
“I’m sorry, but...” Seowon began softly before being interrupted by Jiwoong.
“I understand your ambition Seowon, but I don’t want to see you hurt like this ever again,” Jiwoong said firmly, “do you think you can stand up now?”
As Seowon nodded, Jiwoong carefully helped him to his feet with a gentle tug, and took the empty water bottle, setting it aside.
He gently cradled Seowon’s face in his hands, staring into his eyes and his heart ached to see the amount of fatigue and trouble in them.
“Just let me help you Won,” he said softly, watching as Seowon’s eyes brimmed up with tears.
Seowon let out a deep sigh and leaned into Jiwoong's touch, feeling comforted as he let out the tears he had tried so hard to keep inside. He really tried to remain positive, and happy, not only for himself but those around him, he didn’t want anyone to worry, he was doing just fine. But the practice was draining him out, the younger trainees made his heart ache every time he looked upon their faces and saw how hard they were trying to remain here, and he wanted so badly to prove to himself, his fans, and his family that he could also do this, that he was deserving of a spot here. He didn’t notice he was sobbing until Jiwoong pulled him into a hug, whispering “It is going to be okay” into his ear and at that moment, Seowon really believed him.
Jiwoong felt a warmth swell in his heart, seeing Seowon slowly accepting his help, letting him be his pillar, even if he didn’t directly tell him what was bothering him so much to bring him to this point, but one step at a time. He let Seowon lean against his shoulder, tears staining his white t-shirt, as he cradled the back of Seowon’s head with his hand and ran the other one along his back.
When Seowon seemed to calm down, he wiped away Seowon’s tears and tenderly placed his lips on Seowon’s forehead in a kiss of comfort, sealing his words.
They headed back to the dorm and he immediately instructed Seowon to wash up, but not in scorching hot water in case his blood sugar level was still low. He had given Seowon one of Gyuvin's snacks that he had in his bag because the cafeteria was already closed, but he was still worried it might not have been enough. As he sat down on Seowon's bed waiting for the other to finish, Woonggi glanced at him relieved after making sure Seowon's bones were all in place and hearing "yes Woonggi, I'm fine" and “I missed you too” several times.
“Was everything okay? You guys usually finish up pretty quickly, I got worried when I didn’t see him around.” Woonggi asked, shifting on his bed. Takuto was already fast asleep on the last bed, but Woonggi had patiently waited for Seowon to come back to the room, while he himself practiced the choreography in the room. “I caught up with Gyuvin a few hours ago and he told me Wonnie had stayed back to practice his expressions, I thought he was maybe talking to one of you guys which is why I didn’t go to pick him up, but he came back all sweaty which means he was still practicing unless…”
With his last comment, Woonggi paused his rant and raised his eyebrow in his direction. Jiwoong almost facepalmed.
Jiwoong laughed and waved his hands dismissively. "He was practicing on his own. He got so lost in it that he forgot to eat," Jiwoong replied with a sad smile. “Do you guys have early practice tomorrow? I was hoping he would sleep in”
Woonggi sighed and chuckled softly. "Me, Takuto, Ollie, and probably Haruto are going to have a meeting with the producers so they can give us the green light with our raps, I think Zihao is staying to be able to teach us the full choreography afterward so I’m sure it’s okay if he stays too”
Jiwoong nodded.
Seowon came back into the room, hair still damp as he glimpsed at Jiwoong in surprise.
“You’re still here.”
“I said I was going to tuck you in, didn't I? I’m not sure I can trust you to not just tell me goodnight and go straight to practice again.” Jiwoong said with soft eyes.
Seowon and Woonggi exchanged a look between themselves, one to which Woonggi’s eyes promptly enlarged.
Coming up with some measly excuse of how he had to go to Jeonghyeon's room, Woonggi quickly left the room with his own pillow in one arm, while he did a final 'Woonggi sexy' while winking at Seowon.
Seowon laughed despite himself while shaking his head at Woonggi's departing figure. As he made eye contact with Jiwoong he paused and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, he probably thinks we still have something to talk about."
"We still do though," Jiwoong said as he covered Seowon up, "I want you to tell me what is going on in that little head of yours."
Seowon frowned at the words, but before he could contest, Jiwoong continued, "It doesn't have to be today, I just want you to rest and make sure that you are okay."
Seowon nodded, he whispered a thank you so silent that Jiwoong would have missed it if he wasn't so concentrated on the man beside him. He turned the lights of the room off, caressing Seowon's hair waiting for him to sleep before he went back to his own room.
Seowon stared up at the dark ceiling and could feel his courage starting to build. He would never get this chance again and the way Jiwoong treated him so nicely made him only crave more of his kindness and gentle touch. Seowon reached up, lightly grasping the hand that was stroking his hair. His hand was warm, just like how he made him feel inside. Seowon was quiet as he looked up at Jiwoong, unable to form words with what he was trying to express. His throat constricted, and he swallowed thickly, finally finding the strength to whisper his request.
"Jiwoong... Can you... can you stay with me tonight? I don't want to be alone..."
He waited with bated breath for a response, not expecting an affirmative one, nervous eyes going between Jiwoong and the shadows cast by the moonlight.
Surprisingly, Jiwoong gave him a gentle smile, staring into Seowon's eyes, understanding and sympathy flooding his expression. He nodded and squeezed Seowon's hand reassuringly. "I'll stay."
Seowon's fears dissipated almost immediately, he made space for the older to lay down with him and made sure he covered him up well.
Seowon curled up in the warmth of Jiwoong's arms, his head resting gently against Jiwoong's chest. He breathed in his comforting scent, feeling the reassurance that came with the closeness they shared.
Jiwoong drew lazy circles on Seowon's back with the softest of touches, he wanted Seowon to feel safe and comforted. Seowon could feel the sincerity and tenderness in Jiwoong's gestures, and his heart overflowed with gratitude.
The two embraced each other silently, taking solace in the tranquility of the night. Seowon was soon filled with happiness he hadn't felt in a while, the complete opposite of the mess of thoughts and anxiety that were overflowing from him earlier.
With Jiwoong's warmth and steady breathing beside him, he quietly whispered into the dark room, “I really really like you hyung.” He felt Jiwoong tense underneath him, but he only snuggled him tighter. “Thank you for being here for me.”
Jiwoong felt a tightness in his chest and smiled as Seowon cuddled even closer to him. He'd thought about it for a while how Seowon felt about him - it was hard not to when the younger was blushes and laughter around him only. However, the shy confession that Seowon had made out of nowhere made it all the more real.
He kissed Seowon's forehead tenderly and held him even closer, relieved to see Seowon feeling much calmer and content. He silently vowed to take good care of Seowon from then on. As he watched Seowon slowly drift off into a peaceful slumber, Jiwoong felt a warmness spreading throughout his entire body, like the bright sun on a crisp winter morning. He whispered, “I really really like you too, Seowon-ah.”