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Joseph walked down the familiar hallways of Air Supplena's building. The place had begun to feel like a home to him while he was training his hamon. Now, he could only view it as a cage.
It had been – a year? With no calendar, he couldn't be sure. It was February when he fought the Pillar Men, and it had been cold for a while now. At the very least, it was around a year since his fight with the Pillar Men.
The fight that he lost.
Joseph was an idiot for thinking he could best The Ultimate Lifeform. Of course Kars could survive lava. Of course hamon wouldn't have worked. Kars was immortal, invincible. They had lost the moment the Red Stone activated that damned mask.
The hallway was filled with memories that Joseph would rather forget. His bedroom was just a couple of rooms down, still filled with the items he'd had there when training. Thankfully, Kars at least had the kindness in his heart to let Joseph's stuff be (Then again, pets did need things for stimulation to keep them enriched. Maybe that act of "kindness" was simply feeding into that sickening role Kars had given him.).
He arrived at the room he was making his way to. Slowly, he gripped the door's handle and turned it. Surprisingly, it was unlocked, opening without resistance. With how they treated each other during their time together, Joseph was sure Caesar would've kept his door locked.
Thin layers of dust were disturbed by Joseph, scattering with every step he took. The wooden windowsill had rotted with mold due to lack of upkeep. Unlike his room, Caesar's was painstakingly bare. Drawers of clothes. A closet. His bed. A nightstand, with a vase full of dead flowers and stagnated water. The only thing of interest was a small book, left on the nightstand. Joseph had decided to snoop around in the bedroom to try find out more about Caesar, but there was much less to see than he thought there would be. It was odd, though, for Caesar to have lived there for years and not accumulate things to have in his room. Did he spend all his money on fancy clothes? It didn't exactly feel like something he'd do. Caesar would've found that to be a waste. Despite the fact he owned luxurious items, he was oddly stingy with his money. Maybe the clothes were given to him by Uncle Speedwagon? The two had known each other for a while before everything had gone down.
Joseph sat on Caesar's bed, curling up into a comfortable position. The bed wasn't the best quality, but it was miles better than his one. That had deteriorated over time with use, and Kars hadn't bothered to replace it. For someone he treated as a "pet", Kars didn't bother with maintaining the necessities.
Joseph grabbed the book off the nightstand, examining it. It didn't seem to be a storybook, as it had no writing on the cover, nor a blurb. Its hardback cover had been worn down over the time Caesar had owned it for, smooth around the edges.
Was it a diary? Joseph took Caesar to be the sort of guy to not be into that sort of thing – Joseph didn't quite get it himself. Why would you put your thoughts and feelings into a book that anyone could find and read (like he was doing with Caesar's right now)? People could use that against you. A diary was a weapon, perfectly crafted for your worst enemies to use.
Well, that didn't matter to Caesar now. He was dead. Dead people had no weaknesses. Resting his head on the musty-smelling pillow, Joseph opened up what he assumed correctly to be a diary. It was hard to keep open with only one hand, but he'd manage. He had to manage, with Kars only briefly on the island to check on Joseph and feed him, and being isolated the rest of the time. The distant howl of the sea's waves filled the silence as he read.
Master Lisa Lisa gave this book to me. She said to use it as a diary, to write about my thoughts and feelings in here. It's stupid. I'm here to train, not to do whatever this is. I guess I have to go along with this, however. She's given me a place to live in – and she's giving me food even if I don't manage to perform to her standards. Writing in here is the least I could do in return.
I'm not sure how this works. Do I just write about my day? It was uneventful. I trained my hamon. Didn't do very well. It's hard to grasp. I know I'll improve as time goes on, so I'll be giving it my all no matter what. Anything that'll help me get closer to defeating those beasts is something I'll do. Suzi Q seems to be a very nice person too. She doesn't do hamon herself, she does chores around the building. We haven't gotten the chance to speak much. I wonder what her reason for being here is. She certainly isn't Master Lisa Lisa's sister, I can tell. A friend? I'll have to ask her next time we manage to chat. If she wants to answer, at least.
It suddenly crossed Joseph's mind that he didn't know what happened to Suzi. When Kars had decided to keep him alive on a whim and dragged him back here, she was absent. Suzi was left behind when they had all left to chase the Red Stone. An icy feeling grew in his stomach as he thought her fate. Did she leave Air Supplena before everything went down? Or...
When Kars had reached the island, Joseph wasn't in a state to get up, let alone walk around. For the first few weeks, he had pitifully relied on Kars for any and everything (he still did). Had she still been on the island at the time? Had Kars killed her and not said anything about it? Joseph prayed that that wasn't the case. Enough people had died because of his failure. She didn't need to die too.
Trying to push the worrying thoughts of Suzi out of his head, he turned the page, continuing to read the diary. The entries were all similar, just documenting Caesar's monotonous routine. Joseph skipped a few pages ahead, bringing him closer to the more recent entries.
Joseph Joestar. I have never seen a man as insufferable as him (C'mon, surely he wasn't that bad), and yet admirable at the same time. JoJo pushes every single one of my buttons – it's almost like he's trying to piss me off. He risked his life to protect me and Speedwagon from the Pillar Men. His life is still in danger. Whammu and Esidisi...they put poison rings around his throat and heart. They'll dissolve in 30 day's time if he doesn't defeat them and take their antidote rings. It's an impossible task. He can't get good enough in 30 days. It's simply not enough time.
I don't know why I care this much for a man I've just met, especially one as annoying as JoJo. Even if he did save my life, that's something anyone with a shred of decency would do. I don't like the man (Then again, I wouldn't care for him if I disliked him...odd. When is anything to do with that man normal, anyways?) but I'd risk my life to save his without a second thought. I can't care for him. (The writing started to become shaky and jittery, as if Caesar couldn't hold the pen still.) I can't grow attached to a man that's destined to die. I can't go through losing someone I care about again.
Joseph looked to the next entry, written in a few days later. This one was written the day they had both gotten out of the Hellclimb Pillar.
I can't believe JoJo got out of the Hellclimb Pillar. I was convinced he'd die. It was very resourceful of him to use the oil to propel himself to the wall. He still needed my help to get out. He would've died – either from starvation or the impact of falling – if I hadn't betrayed Master Lisa Lisa's orders. He's clearly got potential, but he hasn't got time. I can't see a way JoJo's getting out of this.
I feel sick. I feel nauseous just thinking about JoJo. I can't take seeing that face of his anymore, even if it's just in passing by. JoJo's a child. He hasn't even entered his 20s, and he's already destined to die. I like him too much hate him. I despise almost everything about him. He's an asshole, and so ignorant! He's not a nice person at all, he only cares about himself unless in dire situations!
Writing that isn't helping. I can't trick or force myself to hate him. I need to hate him, I need to absolutely despise him. I can't get upset over someone I hate dying. I'd be happy over it instead. It's better that way.
I should just end this entry here. I should sleep – I'm going to need the energy.
Joseph knew Caesar disliked him, but...this felt different. Here, he was seeing Caesar with all his walls down, vulnerable. His true self, even. The Caesar here was a lot more caring towards Joseph than he let on. This didn't seem like the Caesar that left him to deal with his vivid nightmares on his own, claiming that Joseph could deal with them on his own. The Caesar here sounded like he'd actually give a shit and help him out in whatever way he could. It was almost as if the two were completely different people. Had Caesar been putting up a front all this time? Had Joseph truly known anything about Caesar at all?
The next entry was a week after, close to their final tests with Loggins and Messina.
I think I'm in love with him.
That was the only thing in the entry. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe, in any other situation, Joseph would've joked to himself about it, claiming his looks were so good he'd even wooed Caesar with them. The jokes had helped him get through tough times, bringing light to the darkness; Lately, they only seemed to leave him feeling bitter towards himself. Making a joke now didn't seem like it'd help that problem.
No matter what I do, it won't go away. I've tried treating him worse, I've spent more time flirting with Suzi (If Joseph had the capacity to care about his feelings for Suzi anymore, he'd be absolutely pissed by the statement.), I've prayed to God as if my life depended on it. The feelings won't leave. Joseph is a man. Men do not lie with men. Men do not desire men. I've been devoted to God, giving up time to pray even when I was a thug and homeless. I don't understand. No matter how much I repent, it hasn't gone away. I'm at my wit's end. I've spent the past five years of my life dedicating myself to the defeat of the Pillar Men, unholy beings that threaten the creations made in the image of Him. Why doesn't He answer my prayers? Why won't He forgive me and cleanse me from sin? I don't know what to do. I don't know what's wrong with me. I–
The entry ended abruptly. To think he of all people brought Caesar this much turmoil...
When they were training, Joseph noticed the way Caesar had distanced himself, the way he was standoffish. Joseph had chalked it down to him being too abrasive with his personality, too annoying. That's how everyone back home had thought of him, at least. It wasn't a stretch for Caesar to think the same. He tried to mellow down, act a little more like a normal human being just for him. Had he been making Caesar worse? Was Caesar tormented by his friendly remarks? By the way Joseph tried to lower his voice to room level to not give Caesar a headache every time he talked his head off about something? By the way Joseph would make sure Caesar was OK if he got hurt while training? Nothing he had done was the right thing to do, was it? Trying to push the thoughts out of his head (Usually he could ignore thoughts. These ones stuck in his head like weeds.), Joseph read the next and final entry in the diary. February 26th. The day before he died.
Maybe God has a reason for this. Maybe the Bible's been mistranslated over the many changes of language over the years, and this isn't a sin. Maybe it's a test of faith. Maybe He abandoned me long ago, when I went down the path of revenge and joined a gang. Logically, there's nothing wrong with this, right? Sometimes parents die, leaving kids orphaned. Wouldn't this allow for there to be couples that can't have children be used to raise orphaned ones? That makes sense. We all still have a purpose, regardless of who we are with. It works too well to be a coincidence. He doesn't make mistakes. Or, its coincidence is a way for the Devil to trick me into indulging into sin. If that was the case, then God has abandoned me, for one reason or the other. There's no harm that can be done in indulging now, either way.
I love Joseph Joestar. I love JoJo, and I'm perfectly fine with that.
After this is all over, and if he miraculously survives, maybe I'll tell him. Maybe I won't. I don't mind. I'd be happy to spend the rest of my days by his side. No matter if he's a rival, a friend, a lover, I'll be content.
The last entry, a completely happy one, where Caesar had finally come to terms with himself and had found peace. Such a hopeful and delightful and joyous feelings had been felt by Caesar that day.
And then.
And then the argument. The insults. The fight. The Divine Sandstorm. The bandanna, ring, and blood bubble. The giant slab of debris, sickeningly shaped in the form of a cross.
Joseph's chest tightened. He clutched the diary close to himself. Joseph wished he could've been better to Caesar. He should've been able to read the room and back off from Caesar like he wanted. Joseph should've stopped to actually think about what he was saying when arguing with him, hell, he should've been faster, he should've ran after Caesar, he shouldn't have walked casually like he did, he could've gotten there before Whammu had used his Divine Sandstorm and stopped their battle, he could've–
Joseph let out a hoarse whimper as he finally began to cry, the guilt weighing down, threatening to crush him.
Joseph only caused problems for everyone else. Granny Erina and Uncle Speedwagon had stressed so much over his fights and disobedience in school. Lisa Lisa struggled and strived in vain to get Joseph to put work into his training. Suzi had to put up with his terrible jokes, unwanted advancements and – now in hindsight – rude jabs at her whenever she annoyed him. Caesar of course, had to deal with the feelings he had for Joseph, worsened due to his stupid choices. And then, after all that, Joseph's failure to defeat the Pillar Men had gotten them all slaughtered. Hell, though Kars had achieved his goal of becoming the Ultimate Lifeform and very much took pleasure in treating Joseph the way he did, he'd still lost the other Pillar Men to Joseph. Kars had won, but in the end he was alone. Joseph would've taken satisfaction in that fact, if not for his previous streak of failures.
He hadn't died young like all Joestar men did. Despite his countless attempts, Kars would find a way to stop him. He'd given up eventually. It was uncanny how he miraculously (or unmiraculously) survived so many near-death experiences. The Joestar men were cursed to die young. Joseph was free from that.
The freedom was a curse itself. He was cursed to live a long life, just to watch the people around him suffer and die. Honestly, he deserved it. After reading that, every single one of his transgressions was thrusted right into his face. When was he ever truly nice to someone, outside of it benefitting him? Once in a blue moon? Rarer than that, even? Joseph would have to live with that. Before, he could've realised the errors in his ways, apologised, done better. Now, it was irreparable.
The day continued on, exactly the same as the last, and the one before it, and what the next day would be too. Joseph prayed for freedom. For Kars to have a miraculous change of heart and let him free. To be free from the guilt, to move on.
They were not answered.