Chapter Text
As his enemies all fell away, toppled by a rippling gold wave of wind, Arthur stood there unmoved, his breathing coming in sharp short gasps, his mind reeling.
No
He spun around in circles, wildly assessing the area, scanning among the trees and brush for any sign of life, of a sorcerer, anyone who could have been the cause of the wind.
But deep down he knew.
Because as the wave surged towards his opponents he felt it surge up in him, this thrum of power under his skin, completely in his grasp. He staggered towards one of the bodies, reaching for it blindly. The man, badly disheveled, breathed unevely as he lay collapsed on the ground. A small surge of relief hit Arthur. At least he didn't kill anyone with his magic. But that didn't stop the surge of overwhelming fear from rising in him, washing over him, consuming him.
His magic.
His. Magic.
And then he was running, away from the scene, away from the men who had unknowingly altered Arthur's life so drastically this was certainly something he would never recover from. Arthur kept running, not able to feel the soreness of his body until he had already reached the tree line, the castle of which would someday be his stretched out before him. He was about to stagger into the streets when a small thought pulled at him. He's the prince, he has a reputation to uphold and to appear a mess among his people would quickly clue them in that something was wrong. So with shaky hands he combed his hair into a more relaxed and princely style, waiting for his breathing to stabilize until he walked into the streets, avoiding those he knew as he made his way toward the castle.
"Oh, Arthur!" A voice called, Gwen appearing besides the prince with a basket filled with clothes clutched to her chest.
"Not now, Guinevere, I have some matters to attend to," he responded dismissively, trying to quicken his pace as to cut the interaction short. But she stepped in front of him, forcing him to stop.
"Merlin was looking for you, that's all"
"Oh, well let him know I'm busy in the castle" he moved around her and she stepped aside. He was vaguely aware that she was gazing at him quizzically but didn't let himself dwell on it, trying to push everything from his mind until he was safe in his room. Fortunately enough, the rest of the trip ro his room was one undisturbed by unwanted social interactions. He didn't even come across Merlin, who was supposedly looking for him, or Uther, who he feared running into.
Finally, he opened the door to his room and quickly shut it behind him. It was then everything came crashing down on him. The intense guilt, self-hatred, confusion, anger, fear, it consumed him entirely, leaving nothing in its wake. He couldn't tell what was real anymore, gripping the edge of the table so tightly his knuckles turned white. He wasn't even aware he had walked to it, holding onto it to remain upright. Tears pricked his eyes and he fought to keep them in as his breath came to him in shuddering breaths. It seemed a thousand thoughts were crossing his mind, an endless collection of voices, all screaming, screaming at him. His hands went to his ears as if he could block it all out, then to head, gripping his hair so tightly pain blossomed from where his fingers dug into his skull.
He had to turn himself in.
Yes, he had to turn himself in. Offer him to the mercy of the law. To the mercy of his father, a man who hated magic so intensely it dissolved him of his morals.
His father. What would you think, knowing his only son was a monster? His only heir unfit to rule the kingdom? How disgusted would he be that the very thing he was trying to protect his kingdom from had sunk its teeth into his child, a child he had raised with no prospect of another?
He couldn't turn himself in. But what other option did he have? Hide it? Rule as a deceitful king? Live knowing that what he had done was the greatest of betrayals against his family and his people?
Thinking about it made him feel sick and he clutched at his stomach. Self-hatred rose in his chest, burning him from the inside out, so intense it took all of his resistance not to try to claw it out from within him.
Suddenly, a movement caught his eye and he turned to find Merlin standing in the doorway as it creaked open, Arthur immediately straightening himself out. He couldn't stop himself as he all but yelled at Merlin,
"How many times have I told you to knock?"
"I did knock," the usual mocking in his tone had disappeared, replaced by a tone of vague concern, of a person figuring out exactly when they should worry for the other.
"Oh. Well. I didn't hear you, you need to knock louder,"
"I talked to Gwen. She said you were acting strangely. What happened out there?"
"Nothing happened," Arthur spoke, his voice so low and insistant his words could be anything but true.
Yet thats what Arthur insists on over the next few days, no matter who talks to him. No matter how many times they approach him, offering comfort, understanding, concern, sympathy, he insists that nothing had happened. But he couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat. He had taken to dozing off at irregular times, even during times at which it was highly inappropriate. He shut everyone off, minimizes his interactions, days spent in bed trying to chase away the voices that gnawed at him, to stave off the feelings that clawed at his insides. It wasn't long before Uther called for Gaius to do an examination of his son
"I don't need an examination! I'm fine." But Gaius had been called for anyway. Arthur was looked over, prodded and tested while the prince loudly voiced his discontent. But Gaius could find no evidence of any physical ailment, only a loss of weight that could be fixed if Arthur returned to his normal eating habits.
"However, sire, it does seem he has developed an acute paranoia."
"What could cause that?" Uther asked, looking between Gaius and his son.
"Many things, especially near-death experiences, which I'm sure young Arthur have had plenty of,"
Arthur moved to the other side of the room, wishing the two of them would just leave him alone. Every second he spent in a room with Uther felt like he had swallowed stones, a surge of guilt overtaking him. A sharp rap at the door alerted Arthur that someone else had entered the room but he didn't turn around, listening as Uther and Gaius left and the door was closed. He let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding, his entire body relaxing as the tenseness of his muscles left.
"So, acute paranoia, huh?" Merlin said as a way of greeting, Arthur turning around to see the servant smiling. Yet, it wasn't his usual smile, taunting and clever, but almost forced, taunt and pitying.
"Gaius is wrong, I don't have acute paranoia,"
"Sounds like something someone with acute paranoia would say,"
"Don't make me throw something at you,"
"I think I've had enough practice to dodge anything you throw at me now," but Arthur didn't move to throw anything, instead he moved to sit down in a chair facing Merlin, his legs suddenly feeling weak.
"What happened?" Merlin asked, the playfulness of his previous remarks dropped.
"How many times do I have to tell you? Nothing happened," Arthur spoke, dragging out each syllable of his last two words to emphasize its meaning. The words hung between them for a moment, Merlin searching Arthur with his eyes for an answer. Before Arthur could make a quip at him for being a pretty useless servant, loitering around staring at the prince, Merlin spoke again,
"It has to do with magic, doesn't it?" A primordial fear takes hold of Arthur immediately and he shoots out of his chair, sputtering for a moment before words are formed,
"What would make you think that?? This has nothing to do with magic!" He snapped, unable to stop as his voice rose and his body shook.
"Arthur," Merlin spoke his name so softly it drove Arthur insane, wanting suddenly for Merlin to leave, to avoid the feeling that seemed to have situated itself in his stomach.
"No! This isn't magic!" But Merlin simply closed the distance between them, grabbing Arthur by the shoulders, stopping the shaking with the simple touch. For a second, all Merlin did was stare in his eyes, before speaking,
"You are my friend, Arthur, whatever this is I will not see you any differently than that. Whatever this is I can help," and with those simple words Arthur broke, the tears that seemed to have burned the back of his eyes for days spilling forth as he pulled Merlin in for a hug, their bodies pressed close together as Arthur took a shuddering breath. For a second Merlin was caught by the shock of the sudden affection before wrapping his arms around the prince and muttering simple comforts.
"I don't know what to do," Arthur admits.
"It's okay, we'll figure it out, just tell me what happened"
Arthur pulled away from Merlin and sat on the edge of his bed, Merlin moving the chair so as to be across from him.
"I was cornered and I didn't have my sword. They were coming at me from all angles and I was just about to accept my death when it happened. A huge gust of wind, knocking them all away. It came from me. I used magic. I don't even know how," Arthur looked absentmindedly at his hands, as if the answers of his powers rested in the wrinkles of his palms. Looking up, he saw Merlin gaping at him, a strange expression in his eyes, the corners of his mouth turned up slightly in some kind of grin.
What the hell could he be happy about?
"That's.. Wow," was all he said, providing no explanation to the giddiness in his face.
"I'm thinking of turning myself in," immediately Merlin's face fell,
"What? No! Do not turn yourself in, are you trying to get yourself killed?"
"Well-"
"Absolutely not,"
"What else am I supposed to do? Hide it? Eventually rule as a king of deception? How are my people supposed to follow someone like that?"
"Well, when you're king, you could always change the rules about magic"
This wasn't something Arthur had considered. He wouldn't have to rule on a throne of lies, he could simply change the law to fit him.
"But you know what my father says, magic is evil, how can I live knowing I'm some kind of.. Monster?"
"Magic isn't evil and you're not a monster"
"How would you know?"
"Because I'm a sorcerer"