Work Text:
“To victory!”
Mori’s voice echoed in the hall, along with the few claps coming from his supporters. Dazai could see Kouyou sipping from her glass of wine as she roamed her eyes the way he did. Their eyes met and at that moment, he knew she was observing who is true and who’s not.
It was easy for him to determine that, especially after battles like this so he smiled without his eyes before averting his gaze. There were different people, wearing the same black formal suits, armed with their guns, and there, at the very back, Dazai stood.
His thoughts were filled with review of the battle against another organization that tried to kill their boss again just a few hours before this party. That was easy, unlike some of the missions Mori had ordered him to figure out.
Dazai’s face was void of emotion, but as he met eyes with another executive, he grinned ear to ear as if a giggle was preparing to come out of his lips. Yet, the executive just raised his brow and looked away, going back to listening to Mori’s speech.
Dazai grunted. “I want to die,” he whined, prolonging the 'e', as if a child that had not been given candy.
“Want me to do the honor?”
“Chuuya!” Dazai turned around, facing where the voice was coming from with a sly smile on his face. “It’s nice to know you think it’s an honor to kill me, Chuuya!” he exclaimed, not really caring about how his voice was loud enough to get attention and reach Chuuya’s nerves.
“Your voice makes me want to strangle you, right now.”
“What? Where have you seen a dog strangling its master?”
Dazai laughed, throwing back his head when Chuuya stomped his feet towards him, raising his arms. He moved to his right to evade the attack. “You can’t, Chuuya!” He stuck out his tongue and dunked.
Of course Chuuya could not. Would not, because if he would, he could.
Angry noises could only be heard from Chuuya before the both of them finally stopped and leaned on the table. He could see the executives shaking their heads, and Mori, who was still on the staircase, smiling. Dazai tilted his head when the man beside him spoke.
“The boss is speaking, what are you looking at?” he said, directed to the lower-ranking members who were openly staring at them.
“Oh, it’s fine Chuuya-kun. It’s nice to see you two are getting along very well,” Mori immediately answered.
After that, no one spoke again, but the people were not looking anymore. When the speech finally ended, Dazai yawned, arms spreading out and hit Chuuya with intent. Before the man could even say or do anything, Dazai ran away, giggling.
As he walked, the noise was little by little blocked by the walls, and the people got lesser. He reached the balcony, away from the loud cheers, mocking laughs, and irritating murmurs. He positioned himself, leaning on the railings. His hands were forming unrecognizable shapes as he stared at it.
The balcony was silent. It should be. He’s nowhere near the noise, and he could not hear even a single drop of any word nor any onomatopoeia. However, Dazai’s mind had a world of its own. It had its own voices, some screaming, some whispering nothings, some, speaking directly at him.
He could not count the times he wished for silence.
All he did was think and think, and during any battle, at least he could focus on one. That, at least, was somewhat peaceful than the every second of mess in his mind.
Dazai stopped what he was doing with his hands and looked up to the moon. There were no stars around it, and one could say he was fine that it’s his only company. If the moon could talk, it was not hard not to figure out what it would say as it stared at Dazai. He was thankful it could not.
“What? Thinking of ways to jump from here?”
His eyes twitched when he heard a voice behind him. Instead of looking back, he continued staring at the dark sky. Dazai could not even put a thought to how his mind suddenly went shut, and focused on one.
Finally, he spoke. “Yes, painless, hopefully.”
He could not recognize his voice at that moment. He hoped it sounded smug as he wanted.
No one answered.
Dazai felt Chuuya’s footsteps moved closer. For a second, he could not control his heartbeat before it went back to the way it was. He looked down, eyes widening for a bit. He gulped. “I don’t want to die with you, Chuuya!” He pretended to whine.
“Shut up. We both know it’s not time for that.” When he looked beside him, Chuuya was already in a comfortable position, back on the railings as his arms were crossed on his chest. The space between them could even fit four more people.
“Why? There’s time to die?” he insisted, looking back to the sky when Chuuya looked at him.
“I said shut up.”
With that, a smile escaped Dazai’s lips. It had been two years since they had become partners. Two years on each other’s nerves. At each other’s throats. Yet, in those two years, it seemed they knew each other like the back of their hands.
“This is nothing, Chuuya,” he answered.
Chuuya did not say anything. Hence, the silence.
This time, it was real silence, with only one voice speaking in his head.
Nothing had been said for a few minutes, because both of them knew that silence said everything. To Dazai, a large part of him may had been thinking of nothing but to torment Chuuya, but he wanted to scream how his life went upside down when he met the chaos that Chuuya was. Countless missions, countless battles, and in the middle of those, their souls had gotten closer and closer, but Dazai never knew how to express them correctly.
“The noise was overwhelming,” Chuuya started.
“Not–” he sighed. “Yeah,” he truthfully said with a sigh.
Chuuya chuckled. “You finally said something, huh?”
Dazai shrugged.
“Did the boss order you something again?”
Again, a smile formed his lips. “No, Chuuya. This is really nothing. I just… you know, want to be alone.”
Chuuya immediately pushed himself from the railings. “I should go, then.”
“No, no… if it makes sense, it’s fine having you around. Alone with you, I guess?”
They stared at each other for another second, before Chuuya bursted out laughing. His head was thrown back, his hands were on his stomach as if Dazai really did say something so funny. Yet, Dazai was in no way hurt. Instead, he stared at the man in front of him, eyes gaining small light as he did.
“Fine, fine. I’ll stay, Dazai.” Chuuya went back to his position. “You could have just told me earlier, though. What would you have done if I didn’t follow you?”
Dazai grinned. “You know I know you will, Chuuya.”
And their laughs were finally the only noise that surrounded the supposed silent darkness of the night. Their laughs sounded good; laughs like the children they were, they should be.
“Your bandage got thicker–have you even slept yet? You went straight to the party, right?”
Concern flashed through Chuuya, regardless how subtle it was. Dazai noticed it. Of course, he did.
“Yeah, the boss wished for my presence,” he simply answered.
“You know Dazai, it’s really fine to say you were overwhelmed. You know that, right?”
When Chuuya said that, Dazai knew this night would be a supposed forgotten night like the others. He clasped his hands and felt the breeze of the wind. His clasped hands tightened as he thought. He did not want anyone to affirm his humanity, even Chuuya. Yet, that question…
“I know,” he murmured.
“Ha!” Chuuya breathed, exasperated. “You’re really a tough nut to crack, ‘no? Well, not that it matters.” And he continued rambling about how Dazai always pretended to be something.
Dazai could only laugh at everything he said. Laugh at every sentence with how true it was. He just… knew Chuuya knew him that much.
Out of a hundred, ninety-nine were chaos in Dazai's life, and Chuuya, the supposed mess, was the one he could call his peace.
At that thought, Dazai bit the inside of his right cheeks and tightened the grip on the railings. His thoughts right now… they were not drowning him, but he knew he felt scared—so scared that he wanted to admit it even to himself only.
He could go to a gunfight with a knife, but still be fearless, yet being this close to Chuuya made him feel fear. Dazai walked slowly to the wall and leaned on it for support, and maybe, to watch Chuuya who seemed to lower his guard at the moment as his expression was not angry nor determined than he always did every mission. His face looked as if he was being sung a lullaby, but stopping himself from sleeping.
This was one of the only nights he, also, unconsciously lowered his guard. The security he felt was punching him in the gut, and as he stared at the redhead longer it's becoming painful.
"If I leave tomorrow, how would you feel?" That… it was not his intention to say that out loud.
But Chuuya only snickered. "Why would you leave?"
Dazai chuckled, shaking his head. "Yeah, I wonder."
Chuuya was a mess, a chaos, like he mentioned. At such a young age, he's in the mafia, and that's not even the worst. Yet, he was still here.
"If you leave, of course I'll celebrate!" Chuuya laughed, his eyes remained outside, but this time he walked on the wall parallel to his. "I would ask for the most expensive wine, and drink it all to myself. At last! You're gone."
Dazai wanted to laugh, especially because he could see Chuuya doing just that. He wanted to throw a joke and burst Chuuya's bubble, he wanted to say how he would blow up his car before he left, but he could not seem to do what his mind was telling him.
"But, I'll probably ask myself why."
Dazai's, once again, eyes widened because of him. This time, he took the courage to stare at him openly, and at the moment, he could not believe his eyes. He could not believe how Chuuya looked so beautiful with that small smile that he has and he would probably even look more beautiful if that smile was true.
The trees outside started making noise when no one did for a few seconds. When Chuuya smirked, like he was masking something and looked up, Dazai looked away—afraid to drown in the chaos.
"If you leave though, I'll probably be sad. I'll probably end up thinking whose apartment are you going to disturb at night, whose shipping container I can go to just because I want to." Dazai felt his stares to his cheeks. "I'll probably have a hard-time trying to find a partner I could trust as much as I did to you—I don't think I'll even be able to find one." He shrugged, as if what he said was the most casual thing he ever did. As if he did not just pull Dazai to another black hole and trap him in there.
And this time, Dazai met his gaze. Another silence enveloped the both of them, but their eyes were talking. Their souls were saying something.
Until it was Chuuya who looked away first. He stood straight, brushing the invisible dust off his coat, and turned his back. "But of course, you didn't hear that from me," he finally said.
Dazai was left there. He remained leaning on the wall, having the moon as his company. He didn't know whether to be thankful that Chuuya, once again, left another thought to focus on, but he did focus on it. He clenched his fist as he suddenly wished for tomorrow not to come, because by then, everything that happened here, did not really happen.
By tomorrow, everything was supposed to be forgotten. Yet, by tomorrow, his feelings would dive even deeper to the serene chaos that Chuuya had always been.