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It wasn't very often that Hirotsu went out to drink, but when he did, Chuuya always came with him for company. The boy liked drinking, sure, but he usually liked drinking with people and Hirotsu was the perfect candidate as someone who drank with self control, since Chuuya was a lightweight himself and got drunk easily. On nights like this, after an hour or so spent by chatting about this and that, mostly Chuuya talking and Hirotsu listening, the man would help him get home safely.
People would think Hirotsu either had too much patience or was just so done with dealing with adolescent people, but the man had raised so many teenagers in the mafia that he didn't mind it at all. As someone who was respected by even the higher ranking members, teenagers got intimidated by him at first when they were assigned to work with him, but Hirotsu showed them better. He didn't have cruel teaching methods or different physical and emotional torture ways despite his reputation among the newbies. Even though his quiet manners did intimidate them, they usually grew close to him, feeling safe in the man's presence.
Chuuya was not an exception. He didn't get intimidated by him, but he surely kept his distance with Hirotsu for quite some time. Maybe their first meeting made him seem like an enemy, or maybe the rumours among the newbies had already reached Chuuya's ears, he didn't know. Nevertheless, it didn't take long for Chuuya to get attached to the man, given his own easygoing nature and social skills.
Since Hirotsu's soft spot for children was a given, they got along well after a while, making things come to this. Sitting in a bar side by side after a long day while Hirotsu elegantly sipped his drink and Chuuya drank like someone who was left in the desert for a week without any water. He blabbered about this and that, and even if Hirotsu didn't reply most of the time, he listened everything with utmost care.
"Chuuya-kun," he said after a while, gesturing the bartender to fill his drink. "Your birthday is in a few days, isn't it?"
Chuuya gulped down his drink and a moment later, he put the glass down, staring at it. Hirotsu's gaze landed on him, examining his facial expression which was turning into a sour one.
The boy who never shut up once he started drinking went silent, idly tapping the counter with his fingers. "Yeah." he muttered.
Hirotsu blinked. He expected a little more entusiastic response from him. Because Chuuya had always made sure to celebrate his birthdays with a few friends of his despite usually having to postpone them because of missions. Really, Port Mafia wasn't the optimal place to celebrate things like that, but Chuuya must've thought he needed a break every once in a while, which was very reasonable.
After a moment of silence, Chuuya sighed, closing his eyes. "Say, old man," he started, leaning his head on his hand.
"Did I waste my youth just like that?"
Hirotsu furrowed his eyebrows, not quite understanding what Chuuya had said.
"I don't catch what you're trying to say."
After huffing, the tapping of Chuuya's fingers stopped. "You know, it's my 18th birthday. When you become eightteen... Things are supposed to go..." He scrunched his eyebrows, making a gesture with his hands - which was not understandable. "You're supposed to become an adult."
Hirotsu leaned forward, now starting to understand the issue. "And what's wrong with that? Adulthood has it's advantages, you know."
"I know, I know, but, uh..." Shifting in his seat, Chuuya shook his head from side to side.
"I've never really been a child, you know... And now I have so— so little left..." He sighed, taking the glass in his hand and gulping down the rest of his wine before extending the glass to the bartender. The man behind the counter took the cue, quickly filling it again.
"It's kinda—" He hiccupped, putting a hand to his mouth. "It's kinda frustrating... It's slipping from my hands."
"What is?" Hirotsu asked.
Chuuya swayed in his seat, mind hazy thanks to the alcohol in his system. "My young-ness... Wait, this word isn't like that... What do we call that again, hmm..."
"Youth?"
"Yeah!" Chuuya raised a finger, affirming Hirotsu. "My youth. I just... I don't know, I feel like I totally—" Hiccup. "I totally wasted it."
Taking a sip from his wine, Chuuya left the glass on the counter before burying his head in his hands. "Now it's... Never going to come back. I can't turn back in time to take it back... Maybe live it a little more like an actual child, or something. I..." He groaned. "I don't know."
Hirotsu listened quietly.
Chuuya slammed his fist on the counter. "I'm just so, so frustrated— A few days later, I'll become an adult and lose the chance to be a... A... Child? Teenager? Whatever... No, actually, I think I've already lost it a long time ago, but still... I'm kind of just becoming aware of it and god— God, it's so..."
Running his hands through his hair, Chuuya pulled on it a little, continuously shaking his head.
How honest he was when he was intoxicated.
"Old man, I'm scared."
Sighing, Hirotsu finally decided to take action, drawing circles on Chuuya's back with his hand.
"It's going, it's going without me having a chance to live it - it's never gonna come back. It's just... Going like that." Hirotsu could swear he had heard Chuuya's voice trembling. "It didn't mean much to me from the very start— I don't even remember half of the life I lived, anyways, so it was never a big deal— But now... Uh... I'm just so scared to leave it behind like that."
After that, he went silent. Hirotsu was someone who rarely lost his cool - but man, he was a loss at words at the moment.
"Boy," he started, trying to sound comforting - which wasn't really a strong aspect of his no matter how much he dealt with children. "I can't give you any reassurings, but I can surely say that, as people who ignore the law all the time, coming of age in legal means barely means anything to us. Just some advantages on paper, maybe, but nothing else."
He knew the words were far from appropriate at the moment but really, what could he say?
"Uh... I guess you're right, but still..." Chuuya turned his head to the side. "That doesn't change the fact that I'm... Growing."
Actually, you aren't. Vertically, at least.
Of course he didn't say that, lips becoming a thin line.
Then he spoke again. "Some of us just live like that. I didn't have much of a childhood myself, too, and look at my age now. I'm still here, walking in the same corridors, coming to the same bar. Faces change, names change, but the stories are all the same. Wasted childhoods, failed adulthoods, then you find yourself in my place."
That was probably not inspirational at all, but Chuuya sat upright, gaze landing on the man. Hirotsu's face softened at the sight of bloodshot eyes.
"As long as we accept the life we're unable to escape, we'll be all right. This is what we always do, after all. We push forward. A year of growing isn't anything much beside the wasted lives - so I suggest, don't think about it much, Chuuya-kun."
And damn, those words were supposed to be pessimistic in any other context but Hirotsu could swear he saw Chuuya's eyes shine.
Or were those tears?
Chuuya pressed the sleeve of his coat on his eyes, and it came back slightly wet.
He sniffed once, then took a sip from his wine.
Hirotsu knew that he knew he got no other choice but to make a living in a place he was not going to be able to live a childhood. He knew Chuuya was aware of that, has been aware of that for a long while. So maybe it was the alcohol, maybe the locked up emotions finding a way out, or maybe the last few days of his said 'childhood'.
He deserved to show them every once in a while, so Hirotsu let him. Let him let the repressed feelings flow out.
Let him mourn the childhood, his childhood that never existed in the first place.
Instead, "Yeah." the boy said.
"You're right. I won't think about it much."
He did.
All he thought about that night was the years that had slipped from his grasp, and the years that would slip from his grasp.
Dear youth,
I'm sorry I failed you.
Maybe, in another life, we'll get a second chance.
If it comes to it, I promise, I won't waste it this time.
Farewell.