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Matthew's footsteps are solitary. Singular, only the slight scraping of his slides against the tiled floor of the cafeteria echoing throughout the room.
It's quiet. Too quiet now— even for four in the morning. Nights have always been like this after every elimination, but for some reason, it feels a lot emptier.
In Matthew's imagination, Woonggi's still playing girl group songs from the phone he managed to sneak in, accompanied by Seowon, of course. Haruto's still sitting on his bed with him talking about how nice it feels to be able to speak English with each other, how being at Planet Camp was genuinely one of his happiest memories in his lifetime and he wishes he could never leave (he misses him, a lot). Yujin's still running around playing pranks on all the older trainees with Ollie, not curled up in his room crying after saying goodbye to him.
Matthew knew what he signed up for. He knew that he'd be losing friends for the sake of his dream and he shouldn't have gotten himself so attached, but it didn't make it hurt any less. With everything going on lately, too, things just really..
They sucked. He's never felt so alone.
He knows he should be grateful. He's made it this far, right up until the finale and placed in the top nine every single elimination. He should be feeling proud of himself and thankful for even having fans to support him, but recently? Recently he feels like everyone's against him. First, being portrayed as selfish throughout the entire Artist Mission, having an entire fake rigging scandal on signal song views made up against him, losing nearly half of his votes and dropping down, down in ranks every ranking check, all the hate on twitter?
Matthew wants to just sob. He really does. His family is so, so far away and with the ban of phones in the dorms, he feels like he has no one to cry on. Especially because everyone he felt like going to had someone else. Junhyeon had Gunwook, Kamden had Jay (and vice versa), Jiwoong had Jongwoo, and.. Hanbin had Zhang Hao. It was clear, crystal . Haruto or Seowon weren't even there anymore.
So he deals with it; because there's so much he feels and so much he yearns that they cancel each other out, leaving him null. Numb as he pushes the back door in the cafeteria open, letting the wind softly tussle his hair a bit as he walks outside, leaning on the balcony's glass ledge and he just stares. Stares as he looks out into the lights of Seoul past the terrain of Planet Camp, wondering if he'll walk among them after April 20th as Seok Matthew; the finalist of Boys Planet who endured so much, or Seok Matthew; the trainee that had tried so hard to stick it through but it never ended up being enough.
From how things are right now, it looks like they're going to end up as the latter. That's fine , he thinks, he's had enough time the past couple of weeks to learn to accept that. He could find another place to debut, find another company willing to take him in after the show because MNH clearly wasn't going to debut him in a new group anytime soon. Maybe he could figure things out with Haruto and Woonggi, if anything.
Or maybe, just maybe , he'll buy a plane ticket back to Canada.
The door slams shut from behind him. Matthew jolts, whipping around just as fast.
"Seokmae." It's Hanbin, rushing towards him in nothing but his plaid, baggy pajama pants and one of his infamous black tank tops. He sounds slightly out of breath, a little bit of sweat coating his bangs. Matthew's not sure why he's out here, or can't even come to formulate a reason why or how he came out looking for him at this time of the night.
"Hanbin hyung," Matthew winces at his voice, hoarse and slightly dry. He clears his throat and tries again. "Hyung. Why are you out here?"
Hanbin comes to a stop right in front of him, panting a little. He looks like he's about to cry, to be honest, but that could easily just been Matthew's own tears brimming his own eyes. He makes a face, but it's pained. Concerned. Worried.
Before Matthew can question or say anything about it, though, Hanbin's hugging him like he'd disappear, face hidden in Matthew's shoulder and oh my god, Hanbin's actually crying . It's silent, but Matthew can feel the tears wet his T-Shirt.
His heart shatters . Yet, Matthew just.. can't. Can't find the energy to hug him back just as hard. Can't find it in him to comfort him and assure him everything would be fine. Can't even tell him that he's been in love with him for years because their bond's probably disintegrated, just a little.
Hanbin hesitates when he pulls away, hands lingering on Matthew's waist. "Sorry," He laughs, emptily as he swipes at his cheeks. "I don't.. I don't know why I went after you. I just woke up and immediately went to knock on your door, then your bed was empty and Jiwoong hyung said you weren't there, and then I ran into Keita and he said that you might be out here instead—"
He stops, sensing his rambling. "I'm sorry."
In all honesty, Matthew doesn't know what the hell is going on. His brain is failing to keep up with everything happening and mentally, he's still spending his time looking out into the city in solitude. "What?" He sputters, "Why are you apologizing?"
"Uh," Hanbin rubs at his nape, sniffling. "It's, uh. It's stupid."
Matthew shakes his head. "It's not," He promises, because nothing could be any stupider than his own situation, in his opinion. He wants to reach out, to grab Hanbin's hand in his and to encourage him to continue, but he just stares at it instead. How could he comfort someone else if he couldn't give himself the same treatment?
Hanbin takes a deep breath, fiddling with his fingers. "The finale is next week."
Matthew hums, turning around to lean over the ledge again. "Yeah, it is."
"It's all going to be over soon."
"I.. I know."
There's silence for a brief moment. Hanbin walks over to stand next to Matthew and they just sit there, admiring the city under the moon's vigilance. Matthew had entered this show a boy with a best friend, a contagious smile, and huge dreams to debut with him— now he'd be coming out exhausted. Just tired, debilitated.
"You know, when you flashed on the screen as a ninth place candidate, I cried?"
Matthew's the one who laughs this time, caught off guard. He turns his gaze to his right, in disbelief. "What?"
"Matthew," Hanbin says and things are suddenly serious. He's looking at him like he had before, eyes slightly puffy and nose dusted pink because of the cold, tears still pooling at his eyes and threatening to run down his cheeks. Matthew's never seen him so vulnerable — Hanbin's never let him.
"I don't want to debut," Hanbin croaks, "Not if it's without you."
Oh. So this was what it was about.
Matthew sighs, shakily. He thought he was over this— completely used to the future of him going back home and hearing a bunch of 'You did well's and 'You worked hard's. Completely used to seeing Hanbin's fancams and performances in a couple months all over social media, used to watching Hanbin post to fans on Instagram with a selca and a caption writing about how nervous he was for their comeback. To think that someone like Matthew was holding such an ace of a future idol back, just because he couldn't find the strength to keep fighting?
"Hyung," Matthew tries his best to smile, tries his best to make it look like he didn't spend nights bawling his eyes out at reality because everything was just too much , "Don't say that. You'll do great up there. You don't need me." It hurts for him to say the last part, but it was.. true. He got through all of Boys Planet without him, anyways. The one time they were actually on the same team, all Matthew did was mess things up and make things tense. Hanbin didn't need Matthew. Not anymore.
Hanbin reaches out to grab Matthew's hand, shaking his head. "No, you're wrong. We practiced so hard, so so fucking hard for this since the day we met. We swore that we would debut together and it's going to happen. You promised to stay by my side, remember?"
Matthew opens and closes his mouth, averting his gaze when his mind runs out of excuses to give him. He knows the older's serious, especially when he barely curses. There's still so much passion in him, yet Matthew has none.
"..Remember?" Hanbin repeats, more unsure than ever. He's so anxiously waiting for a response and Matthew knows he has to give him one, no matter how much either of them might not want to hear it.
"I think," Matthew bites on his lip. "I think that's one promise that I can't keep, hyung." He gives him a smile. "I'm sorry."
Hanbin's grip on his hand loosens. It weakens in stutters, almost, like he doesn't want to let go but there's a force that needs him to. Matthew can feel his eyes frantically dart around him, looking for any sign of hope or determination. It sucks that Matthew just knows he'll come up empty.
"What?" Hanbin whispers— small, frail, quiet, heartbroken . Matthew turns his head away again, because one single look into Hanbin's eyes and the entire couple of weeks he spent getting used to the pain of not debuting by his side would all go to waste. His irises held memories, so many of them; of the two of them joining the same dance crew, them going out to eat after training even when they weren't supposed to, them cuddling on the same bed because it used to be them against the world but now the world was against Matthew and Hanbin was, simply, a star out of reach. Hanbin needed to shine; Matthew had already lost his glow.
If anything, Matthew feels a little stupid. A month or two ago, he was almost certain he'd already made it. Now, he was nothing but an Icarus— he'd flown too close to the sun. He was free falling into the descent of a black hole, falling below all his expectations and his dreams with no rope that could reach far down enough to pull him out because it's dark down here, with nothing to really do other than to just wonder why and how you ended up here and where you went wrong.
"I'm saying that," Matthew continues, chest so heavy with guilt and grief and regrets that he feels like he's going to explode. "I'm saying that I'm not going to make it."
It sounds a lot worse out loud.
Whatever's left of Hanbin's grip on Matthew's hand strengthens, his other hand coming to rest on top of it. "Stop," He shakes his head, refusing to listen. "Stop talking like you're going to go back to Canada."
Matthew stays silent. He watches Hanbin turn pale in front of him.
"You're.. you're serious?"
He's accepted things already, but he wants to take everything back and say it was a joke when he hears the words come out of Hanbin's mouth. "Probably," He whispers.
Hanbin's lips tighten. His expression changes— numerous times, actually, but they never come together to form a readable one. "Matthew," He finally speaks after a few moments, breathing in deep. "I know we haven't been talking to each other like we used to lately, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you any less. I'll always be there for you. I don't care if the whole world's rooting against you. I'll never, ever leave you."
Matthew's heart twinges. The last sentence twists painfully, like a scorching knife drilling further into his chest. "Hyung, you have to—"
"No." The older cuts him off, "Nothing you say is going to make me change my mind. I'll stay by your side even if I'm six feet under ground," The tears that welled up in his eyes started shedding once more, but the determined look in his face remains unchanging. "I'm never going to give up on you, and I'm not letting you give up on your dream."
Matthew lets out another sigh, a lump forming in his throat. He wants to believe him, he does, but he's crossing a river of uncertainty and the current is getting stronger and stronger and he's suddenly forgotten how to swim. The bridge across is so extremely fragile and he's so extremely exhausted that he just wants to back away, to lay the side of the river he was already on and stare at the other side he could've been on if he kept going. "I don't know. Everything's just so.."
"Hard?" Hanbin smiles fondly at him, wiping at the tears Matthew didn't even know were flowing off of his cheeks. "I can't say I know how you're feeling, because I know these last few weeks were especially hard on you. They don't deserve you, Seokmae-ya."
Hanbin cups his cheek. Matthew leans into the touch.
"Don't think for a second that you're not needed. You're insanely talented and you have so much potential— trust me, any Star Creator would be out of their mind to let someone like you go. And what I do know, actually, is that you have everyone that's been voting for you since the start. You have the guys," He gestures to the door behind him, "Your family, and.." He points to himself. "Me. If I haven't stressed that enough."
Matthew stares at Hanbin in all his glory; his dorky grin, his cute dimples, his eyes that held galaxies, their hands sparking up a small flame to the touch.
And for the first time in a couple of days, Matthew finds himself laughing. "I think you have emphasized it a lot by now."
Hanbin grins, even more that Matthew was happy now. "What? I'm serious, Matthew. Even if things don't turn out the way we wanted them to, I'll be back. I'll come looking for you everywhere in two and a half years and then we'll debut together, just like we've always wanted— only if you're willing to wait for me. Or, if you'll come looking for me after two and a half years."
"What?" Matthew snorts. "That's not possible."
"Is too!" Hanbin huffs, "Only a matter of time before a big three company snatches you up and takes you away from me."
"Now, you know perfectly well I'm not ever going to leave you, hyung."
They both erupt in laughter, sadness quickly being forgotten. For the two of them to still be crying so late into the night, it feels a just a little cliché. But now, their tears held a different meaning.
"Matthew, I'm going to ask you again," Hanbin says, clutching both of his hands. "Are you giving up?"
Matthew looks up and they make eye contact. Maybe, just maybe, a future exists where they debut together. Maybe a future exists where they stand on the same stage, in front of hundreds and thousands of people screaming their names. And maybe, if Matthew believes in it and with Hanbin by his side, it'll happen.
"No," Matthew shakes his head, smiling.
"I'm not giving up."