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r/Advice • Posted by u/throwaway1011 9 hours ago
I (23M) might like my rival (25M) a lot more than I should, what do I do?
Okay to start this off, I don’t know how exactly I would describe what I’m feeling right now. It’s 5 in the morning, and this realization kinda just hit me like a truck. I really don’t think I can go to training with him tomorrow without him realizing something’s up.
For some back-round, I’ve known this guy since my late teens. We met in this facility for training our capabilities in soccer and I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with him. I look up-to him like no one else, the first time I saw him on the field he quite literally blew my mind at his pure talent— something akin to almost falling in-love if I’m honest— which was horrible considering his unbelievably cocky and annoying personality.
He hasn’t changed even this many years later, but I’ve learned to tolerate him at least. Our relationship is weird, I won’t deny we undoubtably bring out the best in each-other in terms of talent, he’s always brought out new sides of me that even I never knew I had deep down. Despite that, we can’t seem to get along off the field— he’s annoyingly cocky! He finds it fun to tease and flirt with others just to catch them off guard, not to mention he always has this strange complex with him being a ‘director’ of some play that everyone seems to be a part of (I’m not your damn puppet!)
… Still, I can’t deny that despite his weird squicks I wouldn’t be the person I am today without him, and that’s exactly what led to this entire damning realization. It started off with innocently thinking of our relationship— about him. How much he makes me want to gauge my eyes out and punch his face in, how no matter calm I might be he can always get a rise out of me like no one else can, that even if the world were ending he’d find some way to make sure he’s the last person on my mind before we meet our demise (for all the wrong reasons.)
But that led to the spiral, the initial realization that I wouldn’t be who I am without him. I wouldn’t be the player, the person, because he’s quite literally changed my life. He’s… everything? That’s such a corny thing to say, but I can’t explain it any way else. He’s everything to me (God forbid I ever admit that to him.) I don’t know if what I feel towards him is normal— I’d always set aside my racing heart and uncharacteristic fluster around him to just be a manifestation of my anger— but looking back on it… that just sounds like denial. (It’s a bit crazy to me how I can find it in myself to admit that, 17 year old me would’ve never guessed.)
So now I can admit it, he changed my life, changed me, for the better. Everything he does angers me but it makes me love him even more— his flirting, his constant need to pick up fights, his almost comical cockiness, his unmatched talent, his stupid blue rat tails that make my eyes hurt— every part of him his stolen my heart. I adore the sides he shows me behind closed doors, a mutual understanding between two teammates, two friends, two rivals. I (as corny as it sounds) don’t miss the look in his eyes as we head into the stadium for a game, I don’t miss the comforting touches right before we leave (wether it be to comfort him or me, that’s something I’m still not sure of.)
So I’ll finally admit it and give you what you came for— I love him. I love his sweet smile, his accented japanese, his rose tattoos and blue eyes. Every piece of him is so beautiful it makes my heart race in my chest and I don’t know what to do. This guy is not just my rival but honestly my best friend, I can’t just go up to him and tell him all of this— not to mention I’d have no idea how to even begin to unwrap all of this for him to somehow see and understand.
So, I’ve come here. I’m inlove with my teammate, I’ll go ahead and admit it. I want to be with him forever, wether that be romantic or otherwise. I genuinely cannot imagine my life without him and just not seeing him for a few days leaves me antsy to be with him again. I don’t just want to see him at practice and sometimes for a drink or two— I want to spend time with him touring the city, going to restaurants, to each others apartments to watch movies till dawn, go to concerts, window-shopping, flower-shops, parks, beaches, museums, galleries— I would go anywhere with him if it’s with him. I’d go on idiotic teenage level dates and I would still have the best time of my life because it’s him (it’s always been him.)
I want to wake up with him in my bed, I want to know what it feels like to wake up to the feeling of his hair in my face and my arms wrapped around him. I want to know what it’s like to get ready together, cook and clean together, be domestic together. I want to meet his family, I want him to meet mine. I want to have him invade every piece of my life like an parasite, I want him to annoy me and never stop annoying me.
And If I’m going to be quite honest? The thought of him doing that with anyone else makes my blood boil.
He’s my friend, my teammate, my rival. As immature as I might sound for a grown man saying this— that man is mine.
So… phew. That was a lot to pour out into a throwaway account at 5 in the morning (5:21 now- have I really been talking about him that long? It’s worse than I thought…) but regardless, that’s all I needed to get off my chest. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I went to see him again without trying to make some sense of my feelings. So to whoever may be reading, thank you. If anyone can give me advice on what I should try to do, I’d appreciate it!
TLDR: I might be (scratch that, I am) inlove with my rival, but I don’t want to lose him as a friend. What do I do?
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