Chapter Text
Jake created a group chat.
Jake added Hailey, Zander and 12 more people to "The Music Freaks 🎼"
Jake: Hi gays.
Luke: Litwo! Ojczyzno moja! ty jesteś jak zdrowie. Ile cię trzeba cenić, ten tylko się dowie, kto cię stracił. Dziś piękność twą w całej ozdobie. Widzę i opisuję, bo tęsknię po tobie. Panno Święta, co Jasnej bronisz Częstochowy i w Ostrej świecisz Bramie! Ty, co gród zamkowy Nowogródzki ochraniasz z jego wiernym ludem! Jak mnie dziecko do zdrowia powróciłaś cudem (gdy od płaczącej matki pod Twoję opiekę ofiarowany, martwą podniosłem powiekię i zaraz mogłem pieszo do Twych świątyń proguIść za wrócone życie podziękować Bogu), tak nas powrócisz cudem na Ojczyzny łono.Tymczasem przenoś moję duszę utęsknioną do tych pagórków leśnych, do tych łąk zielonych, szeroko nad błękitnym Niemnem rozciągnionych; do tych pól malowanych zbożem rozmaite, wyzłacanych pszenicą, posrebrzanych żytem; gdzie bursztynowy świerzop, gryka jak śnieg biała, gdzie panieńskim rumieńcem dzięcielina pała, a wszystko przepasane, jakby wstęgą, miedzą zieloną, na niej z rzadka ciche grusze siedzą.
Luke: Teraz naucz się tego na pamięć albo wypierdalam twój telefon przez okno. Masz pięć minut. (Translation: Now learn it by heart or I'll throw your phone out of the window. You have five minutes.)
Jake: What a great way to start a group chat.
Zander: Luke I love you, but mind explaining why the fuck did you send us the invocation of "Pan Tadeusz"?
Luke: ...
Luke: You're not Grzegorz.
Milly: WHO TF IS GRZEGORZ 😭
Drew: My sleep paralysis demon
Drew: He's a very nice guy, but I accidentaly summoned his evil twin once
Sean: And how did you do that?
Drew: I read his name backwards
Sadie: What's his name backwards? Asking for a friend.
Drew: It's Zrogezrg. Don't recommend summoning him, he made me drink toilet water
Milly: Is Zrogezrg me or something?
Luke: OMFG GUYS STOP, GRZEGORZ IS A POLISH NAME, NOT SOME SLEEP PARALYSIS DEMON, AND SAYING IT BACKWARDS WON'T SUMMON DEMONS ISTG IF Y'ALL DON'T SHUT UP THEN I'LL MAKE YOU MEMORISE ALL OF "Pan Tadeusz" INCLUDING THE EPILOUGE, AND IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER IT ALL, THEN I'LL DO WHAT WHOEVER THE FUCK ZROGEZRG IS MADE DREW DO.
Drew: Damn, who peed in his cheerios
Zander: Luke-
Luke: Nawet nie próbuj. (translation: don't even try)
Milly: And people say I have anger issues
Milly: Anygays, while we wait for that mf to calm his ass down, Imma set y'alls nicknames
Milly changed Jake's nickname to "Peach Boi 🍑"
Peach Boi 🍑: I approve 👍
Milly changed Hailey's nickname to "Blooberry 🫐"
Blooberry 🫐: Are you serious 😭✋
Milly changed Zander's name to "Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇"
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: No comment
Milly changed Luke's nickname to "Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz"
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: At least it's not my real name.
Peach Boi 🍑: Wait, so Luke Peterson isn't your real name???
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: No, it's not. My mom changed it so the teachers wouldn't have a stroke while trying to say it.
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈 🍇: What is your real name then?
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: Łukasz Piotrowski.
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: Call me that and I'll kill y'all.
Milly: Wait a minute, lemme just
Milly changed Luke's nickname to "Łukasz"
Milly: Much better
Łukasz: ZMIENIAJ TO W TEJ CHWILI. (translation: change it right now)
Milly: ???
Blooberry 🫐: What he means is "change that right now" or something, idk
Milly: When tf did Luke turn into Zander 😭
Łukasz: Po prostu zmień ten jebany nick. (translation: just change the fucking nickname)
Blooberry 🫐: It means "just change the fucking nickname"
Milly: Okay, okay =_=
Milly changed Luke's nickname to "Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz"
Milly: Happy?
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: Very.
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: I'm still mad though.
Milly: Don't care, didn't ask
Milly: Anygays, back to the nicknames
Milly changed Sean's nickname to "Mom Friend"
Mom Friend: Well, it's true, so I can't really complain
Milly changed Drew's nickname to "DrEW"
DrEW: You just capitalized the last two letters
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: I wonder why
Milly changed Henry's nickname to "Lettuce Brain 🥬"
Milly changed Liam's nickname to "Lettuce Brain's Future Husband 🍅"
Lettuce Brain's Future Husband 🍅: And you wonder why nobody loves you
Elliot: I do.
Lettuce Brain's Future Husband 🍅: Wait, who is you again???
Elliot: I'm Elliot, and I'm her boyfriend.
Zoey: She forced you to date her, didn't she?
Milly: Actually, I didn't
Milly changed Zoey's nickname to "Stupid Hoe 🖕"
Milly changed Lia's nickname to "Girlboss 💅"
Stupid Hoe 🖕: WHY IS HER NICKNAME LIKE THAT, WHILE MINE IS "Stupid Hoe 🖕"?!
Milly: Cause it's true?
Milly changed Daisy's nickname to "Hailey's GF "
Hailey's GF: Approved
Blooberry 🫐: YOU ACTUALLY LIKE IT 💀
Hailey's GF: I don't see the problem 🤷
Hailey's GF: It's true anyway
Milly: *anygay
Milly changed Sadie's nickname to "Miss Emo 💀"
Miss Emo 💀: No comment.
Milly changed Stacy's nickname to "Stacy's mom has got it going on"
Stacy's mom has got it going on: 💀
Lettuce Brain's Future Fusband 🍅: 👍
Stacy's mom has got it going on: 🖕🖕🖕
Milly changed Elliot's nickname to "Ell 🩷🌸"
Ell 🩷🌸: Why is my nickname the only nice one?
Milly: Cause you're the only one that deserved a nice nickname, except me of course
Ell 🩷🌸: Awwh, I love you bby 😊
Milly: I love you too 🩷
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: Eww, heterosexuals.
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: Heterophobia at it's finest 😊
Milly: Stfu
Milly changed Zander's nickname to "Heterophobe no 1"
Milly changed Luke's nickname to "Heterophobe no 2"
Milly: You asked for it
Heterophobe no 1: I officialy hate you.
Milly: Glad the feeling is mutual
Milly changed their nickname to "Best Gurl"
Best Gurl: Perfect 👌
Ell 🩷🌸: Baby, I love you, but can you please change your friends nicknames back to how they were before?
Best Gurl: Of course, anything for you 🥰
Lettuce Brain 🥬: SIMP
Lettuce Brain's Future Husband 🍅: Couldn't have put it myself better babe
Heterophobe no 2: Ayo 📸🤨
Lettuce Brain 🥬: Yeah, we're dating. Why, you homophobic as well now 🤨
Heterophobe no 1: He's literally my bf 💀
Lettuce Brain 🥬: I thought you "don't do emojis"
Heterophobe no 1: I don't, it's just that my little sister took my phone. She typed that, not me.
Best Gurl: Gays stop arguing so I can change y'alls nicknames
Best Gurl: I still think these are more than perfect though
Milly changed Zander's nickname to "Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇"
Milly changed Luke's nickname to"Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz"
Best Gurl: Is that good?
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: Absolutely not.
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: What he said.
Best Gurl: I don't care, it's staying that way
Miss Emo 💀: Is this all you wanted.
Best Gurl: No
Peach Boi 🍑: Y'all want to play anonymous confessions?
Blooberry 🫐: Sure, why not
Peach Boi 🍑: Okay
Anonymous 1: I once told my brother to beg for his life in Spanish after he broke my laptop.
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: Sounds like something Drew would do.
Anonymous 2: I married my crush in The Sims 4.
Peach Boi 🍑: Let's be realistic here, that could be anyone
Best Gurl: Fr
Anonymous 3: I have a grape plushie wchich I named Zander Jr.
Ell 🩷🌸: Luke has reached the level of simp I didn't even knew was possible.
Stacy's mom has got it going on: Agreed 💀
Best Gurl: Luke's a simp confirmed?! *not clickbait*
Peach Boi 🍑: BYE WHAT- 😭✋
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: GAYS IT'S NOT ME
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: I MEANT GUYS
Hailey's GF: Same thing
Mom Friend: Can we just get to the next confession?
Anonymous 4: I drank a bottle of vodka when I was in kindergarten.
Mom Friend: Thank you.
Mom Friend: Also, are you okay?
Peach Boi 🍑: Babe, with all due respect, they can't respond dumbass
Mom Friend: Oh right 😅
Mom Friend: I'm assuming it's either Hailey, Luke, Zoey or Stacy.
Stacy's mom has got it going on: YOU ACTUALLY THINK I DRANK VODKA IN KINDERGARTEN? 😭
Stacy's mom has got it going on: ARE YOU STUPID OR JUST PRETENDING TO BE
Miss Emo 💀: Well, you are a Slovak, and that's a slavic country.
Stacy's mom has got it going on: Not y'all thinking that was me because I'm Slavic 💀
Hailey's GF: Next confession please
Anonymous 5: I starved my sim to death in The Sims 4.
Blooberry 🫐: What is with y'all and making your weirdest dreams come true in The Sims 4 😭✋
Peach Boi 🍑: I'm pretty sure they didn't mean their simself
Blooberry 🫐: Yeah but still 😭
Anonymous 6: I ate a flower from my garden when I was in middle school.
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: 📸🤨
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: You've used the same emojis twice.
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: Your point?
Best Gurl: Yeah Zander, you got something against emojis? 🤨
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: No, it's just boring.
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: Idfc, I'm gonna use them anyways
Anonymous 7: I threw my older brother's homework to trash because he didn't want to play with me.
Best Gurl: That someone was a really bratty kid
Blooberry 🫐: Bet they still are
Hailey's GF: Agreed
Anonymous 8: I burnt down my house while trying to make pizza 😀👍
Ell 🩷🌸: I feel like it's Milly.
DrEW: No shit Sherlock
Stupid Hoe 🖕: It could always be somebody else, you know that, right?
DrEW: Yeah, right 🙄
DrEW: But she's the most likely to burn down her house while trying to cook something
Anonymous 9: I painted my all my dolls with black paint as a kid.
Stacy's mom has got it going on: That person must've been an emo as a child
Mom Friend: Totally
Anonymous 10: I love ketchup.
Lettuce Brain 🥬: Basic my guy/girl, really basic
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: Exactly.
Anonymous 11: I was born in a city that's pretty much the Ohio of it's country.
Peach Boi 🍑: FINALLY SOMETHING ORIGINAL
Blooberry 🫐: Ikr, all of these were so damn boring 🙄
Best Gurl: Fr tho
Hailey's GF: Okay, next confession
Anomymous 12: I rode down the stairs in a box once and broke my leg.
Lettuce's Brain's future husband 🍅: You good dude/girl?
Lettuce Brain 🥬: Obviously
Blooberry 🫐: I think I know who it is
Best Gurl: Stfu
Best Gurl: Those are supposed to be anonymous
Anonymous 13: I have an aunt that's younger than me by a month.
Blooberry 🫐: Interesting
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: Yeah, cause it's totally abnormal for your aunt or uncle to be younger than you 🙄
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: WRITE THAT DOWN, ZANDER USED AN EMOJI THAT'S NOT 🖕 AT HIS OWN WILL.
Best Gurl: Noted
Best Gurl: We shall celebrate this day forever 😌
Anonymous 14: I am from a very, and I mean VERY small country.
Peach Boi 🍑: I GIVE UP 😭
Blooberry 🫐: Dude, just try to guess who it might be, no big deal.
Hailey's GF: NO BIG DEAL???
Hailey's GF: Babe, I know you're the calmest one out of the music club, but Jake's right, that's pretty much impossible to guess 😭
Anonymous 15: I am not actually straight.
Peach Boi 🍑: Ok, now that one's practically impossible, like no one here is straight 😭✋
Best Gurl: Okay Elliot, I guess your name is No One from now on
Peach Boi 🍑: No one here except him
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: When will we reveal who confessed each thing?
Peach Boi 🍑: Tomorrow I guess?
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: Good. Can I go now?
Blooberry 🫐: Go on, nobody wanted you here anyways.
Alexzander The Gay Emo Grape 🏳️🌈🍇: Okay. Bye guys.
Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz: *Gays
Hailey and 14 other people went offline.