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Sitting at his desk, doing paperwork had never felt like it dragged by so slowly. It could have been just like any other day, a task that was mindless to complete and so only felt like it took a few hours at most. What was so different about today that made things so much more tiring for the vice admiral? Garp could only speculate the cause.
Maybe it was the weather. It had been getting quite cold lately and the days have gotten shorter overall. Perhaps he had gotten used to the past few days of blinding sunlight and stunning blue skies that the sudden invasion of grey clouds had made the whole mood of the landscape change. Garp sat back in his chair to take a look out the ajar window that looked over the training ground below. The many clouds from before having multiplied since he last gazed at them, becoming thicker and darker, a light rain wetting the earth below.
Heaving a sigh, he got up to close the window. It had already been a rough day, no use in making it worse by getting his papers all wet. Closing the latch, Garp remained standing at the glass, not really taking in his view of the world anymore, or really much of anything around him. Deep inside, he already knew what was causing him to feel as though he were being dragged through the mud in chains. It was that time of year again. His internal clock would know regardless of if he actually took note of the date. A day that, ever since its passing, has haunted him day and night like a phantom latched to his back. It might as well have been a real ghost for all he knew, but there was nothing he could think to do to cleanse himself of it.
It was the anniversary of Ace’s death.
The death he could have possibly prevented had he decided to step in and help.
But instep he stood there, watching it. Letting it happen. Even actively trying to cause it.
He had never regretted anything more in his long life, and now he must live with his actions.
At the moment he watched Akainu deliver the devastating final blow to the poor boy, it felt as if all time had slowed down. The bright glow of lava and fire shined like the sun and the shear heat of them covered the scared battlefield. The blinding light casted shadows like death across the faces of all the witnesses who all stopped to take a glance at the carnage unfolding before them, regardless of what they were already engaged in, no matter who they were. The big play had been made. The big checkmate. The execution that was planned from the start. Garp’s last moment to step in and protect his precious grandsons from their horrible fates. Even from his distance, Garp could swear he could smell the unbearable stench of singed flesh.
As time regained its original speed, Garp finally felt the skip in his heart, as if he himself had also been impaled in that moment. And maybe, on the inside, he really had. The battles around him resumed as all fighters tried to take advantage of their opponent’s distraction, but for Garp, he remained stuck standing in shock. Eyes wide and breath short, he watched in disbelief as Ace fell to his knees and into the arms of the equally shocked Luffy. Garp could tell that Ace was saying something to his unharmed brother. What Garp wouldn’t give to know what the bloodied kid was saying. Those precious last words.
Then, Ace fell, slipping out of Luffy’s gore covered form, hitting the ground with a resounding and guttural thud. At that sound, Garp started to make his way to his other remaining grandson, effortlessly pushing and punching through the crowd of people who could never matter to him in the moment. Not soon after though, he was forced to another abrupt stop as he heard the gut-wrenching noise that would stick in his mind and haunt him till his dying breath and then some.
The heartbreaking, earsplitting cries from Luffy.
Garp stood and trembled as he listened to the mournful wails from his beloved grandson. He watched Luffy throw his head back in anguish and pain. Garp was filled with conflict. He wanted so badly to rush to his boy and take him away from this horror and comfort him all he needed. On the other hand, would Luffy ever want to see him again after this? Garp had very much tried to prevent the young man from saving his big brother. Hell, they had even thrown blows at each other a short time ago in their conflicting ideals over the matter, and ultimately, Garp’s side had won. How could he ever expect Luffy to forgive him or even want to look at him in the eyes again after he partook in Ace’s demise?
When Garp noticed Akainu stepping in to make a second fatal blow, he felt himself instinctively move forward to protect his boy. He just as abruptly had to stop himself though as he watched stunned as the warlord Jinbei swopped in to the do saving instead, the fish man also taking a devastating hit from the lava devil fruit user. Garp winced at the fact that just another individual had to withstand the unbridled pain. It was then that he saw that the punch made it all the way through Jinbei’s resilient body and had reached to and through Luffy’s limp form, the blood from the wound hitting the stone below like heavy rain drops. Despite this, Jinbei continued to move forward towards the sea, as if heading to something specific that Garp couldn’t make out from the distance. Garp wished he could follow after him to take in the state of Luffy, but there was no way Akainu, or any other marines would let him through to see him. He knew Jinbei was a good man, he would have to trust that the fish man would take care of the broken boy in his stead.
Lurched back to reality by a loud crash of thunder, Garp took a deep breath as he listened to the now heavy rain slam against the window glass. He knew that the day would continue to be slowed due to being weighed down by his guilt. How he wished he could turn back time and agree to help Luffy like he had wanted. If only he would have rushed in to deflect Akainu’s attack, then maybe two sweet, rowdy, lovable boys could still be adventuring the high seas, causing mischief and changing lives wherever they go. Now only one of them can do that, forever with a dead brother in his mind. Garp wished so badly he could see their smiling faces, scold them for being pirates, laugh at their absurd antics.
Wishes, wishes, wishes. That’s all Garp feels as though he has as he goes back and slumps at this desk, dejectedly picking up his abandoned papers. He couldn’t help but wonder what else he could have at this point though, a poor old man living in the past filled he regrets. He couldn’t help but be angry at himself. Over the death of Ace and over his constant self-pity these days. It was hard to not be frustrated at his brain for constantly thinking of the moment, for the haunting nightmares, for the startlingly frequent bouts of tears and racing heartbeats. He had important work to do, damnit! He couldn’t let this rule his life, but it was so hard to make it stop. He felt as if he was stuck at the bottom of the ocean, desperately wanting to swim to the surface, but the water pressure was just way too heavy.
Clenching his fist, and accidentally crumpling his documents, he knew he had to keep fighting. Nothing would change for him if he kept living in this repeating state. Oh, how he wanted to change, to make up for his misdoings, to make it so when he next saw Luffy, they could smile genuinely at each other. So that if he one day sees Ace again, he can properly apologize and show him that he has changed for the better, that he made strives to make the world a better place. So Ace could smile at him too.
Tears rolled down his face at the thought of his two grandsons. He hoped they were both happy, wherever they were now.
Garp was so distracted by his thoughts that he didn’t hear the knocking on the large wooden door to his office and didn’t know someone was seeking his attention till he saw Coby tentatively stepping through the heavy doors, a look of surprise on his youthful face.
“G-Garp-San,” the pink haired kid stuttered. “Are you alright?”
The older man quickly dried his face with a chuckle and released his poor crumpled paperwork to give his student his full attention.
“Yes yes, Coby, I’m alright. What can I do for you? Shouldn’t you be in the middle of training?”
“Sorry sir! I will get back to training right away! But… I was hoping maybe you could teach me more uses for armament haki, sir.”
Moving up from his desk, Garp figured this could be a good way to take his mind off things. He clearly wasn’t making any progress in his paperwork, might has well try and do something else productive, such as training his even aspiring students. Coby was a good kid, Garp knew he would go far. It was at this moment that he realized this is what he could do. He could train the next generation to be marines that the people could be truly proud of. To be a group of defenders motivated by the desire to protect and serve over the wants of power and greed. People who would fight for the good of all, not people would kill and execute on the basis of blood and prejudice. Honorable individuals how would know what pirates are corrupt and which ones they could fight alongside. He knows this may not be exactly what Ace would have in mind, but he knew as long as the innocent were being saved, that Ace could perhaps give him that checky grin he used to always someday.
Walking towards Coby, Garp flashed the curious boy his own big toothy smile. “Of course I will Coby! Come, lets really start to toughen you up for battle!”
Leading the way to the indoor training ground, Garp walked with a little more confidence in his step. His day still felt grey, but now, instead of large dark storm clouds, it was more like a moody fog. He knew that his days would still be hard. He would still be dragging that guilt and springing tears of regret and pain, but he knew he would also keep fighting. He would always keep pushing to try and make a better tomorrow for himself, for Luffy, for his students, and for all the righteous people of the world.
And, of course, for Ace.