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So it was official.
Justin was to be a permanent member of Motionless in White.
Chris hadn't exactly enjoyed the negotiations with Spencer Charnas, Justin himself, and representatives of both bands' legal teams, but he'd managed to get through them, and the look Justin had given him when they walked out of the final meeting with his place in MIW secured had been completely worth it. It had been some combination of relief, gratitude, and an astonishing joy. Chris had been fairly sure he'd died; he couldn't fathom that he of all people had managed to bring that expression to the bassist's face.
That expression of pure joy had touched something within him. It had been the final push against the walls surrounding his heart; Chris had almost felt them crumble that day, staring into Justin's face, his dark eyes alight with that damned expression, the smile he'd come to adore lighting up every inch of his face.
The others knew, of course―had known for a long time what Chris was finally beginning to realize. Seeing Justin's face light up as they walked out of that final meeting had cemented what Chris supposed he'd known all along, too.
He was in love.
And now that Justin was officially part of the band, that was going to be a lot harder to conceal.
Don't get him wrong―Chris was overjoyed that Justin would be staying on permanently. Touring with him through the end of the previous year had been wonderful―there'd been a lot more laughter on the bus than before Justin had signed himself on, and Chris wasn't about to protest his company. Even as his mental health spiraled through drastic ups and downs, having Justin around had somehow made everything easier. He'd gotten better about letting his friends help when he was in rough patches as well; he really didn't deserve any of them.
But Justin―Justin had made the most profound difference. Chris remembered numerous occasions in which he'd been sitting awake, afraid of what his fucked-up brain would try to show him if he closed his eyes, and Justin had simply sat with him. He never pressed for information, he rarely spoke, he just...offered his presence, and Chris was beginning to realize it had been more comforting than he'd ever expected it to be.
And he wanted it―wanted more. He wanted Justin's comfort, his touch, his kiss; wanted to be the person that could make him smile at the end of a long day and the person he could trust with anything and everything. He wanted to know he could retreat into Justin's arms when the voices in his head got too loud, wanted to return the favor and offer his own comfort when Justin needed it. He wanted the kind of love he was sure Justin could give―pure, warm, and real, completely genuine and devoid of any of the things that had hurt him in the past.
Plainly put, he wanted Justin.
The longing was so strong it scared him―he hadn't been this deep in love in a long, long time. He barely even recognized it, this want, almost feral in its intensity―a desperate longing for something he'd never truly had before. The problem was, Chris was awful at talking to people, and more insecure than he'd like to admit. He'd built those walls around his heart for a reason, after all―walls that Justin had effectively sent crashing down, which told him clearly that his fears were unfounded, but the part of him that didn't want to be subject to more pain refused to listen to that reasoning.
Besides that, he wasn't particularly fond of the idea of jeopardizing their friendship, either. If he managed to gather the courage to actually tell Justin how he felt―which was a long shot anyway―he wasn't at all certain that Justin felt the same, and Chris didn't want to make it awkward if it turned out he didn't. It was entirely possible, too, he realized, that he was simply scared of rejection―as he'd noted before, he hadn't loved this fiercely in a long time, and finding out Justin didn't feel the same might just kill him. He didn't want to take that chance.
Chris figured his friends would think he was insane, or very much an idiot, but he'd accept that―he knew he was probably overthinking things. But that didn't stop him from doing so anyway; truth be told, he wasn't sure he could shut off the overthinking if he tried.
But oh, how he wanted it.
Going back on tour with him would be interesting to say the least. Chris wondered how he'd manage to avoid discussing this when he'd be around the man twenty-four/seven. He'd managed before, but he also hadn't exactly let himself acknowledge the full extent of his feelings. Now that he had, well...things were about to get a lot more difficult.
Chris smiled to himself in the darkness of his room. Difficult or not, it would be nice being back on tour, seeing the guys again. There was a certain amount of 'getting-sick-of-each-other' that developed when touring for a long while, but they were still his closest friends; seeing them, in any capacity, could usually brighten even the darkest of his moods. He could even put up with Vin's teasing, which he was sure would be even more relentless once he realized Chris was now well aware of how he felt about their newest member.
Resolutely, he checked the time, then cursed under his breath when he realized it was after two in the morning. He really needed to sleep. Tour began in a few days; he was going to need his head in the game.
Despite his reluctance to say anything, he knew seeing Justin again would be worth any and all awkwardness. Seeing him smile, hearing him laugh and joke with the others―it would be worth it.
The thought of his smile accompanied Chris as he finally drifted off to sleep.