Work Text:
This was killing him.
Sitting back, keeping his feelings contained, it was killing him, slowly but surely. He'd thought, alone that night in his room, that he could handle it―thought he could manage his feelings enough to keep things professional onstage and strictly friendly offstage. He'd quickly come to find out that that was near impossible.
Justin, and the sheer depth of the way Chris felt about him, was simply too much. Trying to maintain the guise of simple friendship felt like literal hell. Even the moments that might reflect something more―the random shenanigans they got up to onstage, the odd casual touches that left Chris's head spinning―it wasn't enough, and no matter how hard Chris tried to tell himself he could handle it, it was becoming harder and harder to deny that every single interaction left him longing for more.
This was the problem when Chris let his heart do the thinking, he reflected, and part of why he'd been so guarded when it came to love for such a long time. He simply felt too much, too strongly, and it more often than not led to things getting complicated fast.
"I need to work on that," he said to himself, almost not registering he'd spoken aloud until a voice chimed in from behind him.
"Work on what, exactly?"
Chris spun away from the mirror he'd been absently staring at, finding Ryan leaning against the dressing room door already in his stage attire.
"How are you still so good at sneaking up on me?" he asked his longtime friend rather than answer.
Ryan grinned. "Please. You're still oblivious, to everything, always. It doesn't hurt that you're frequently lost in your own head, either." He raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Like you just were."
Chris looked away; he wasn't really in the mood to be teased right now, like he was certain he'd be if he told Ryan what he'd just been thinking about. He'd predicted that his friends' teasing would only get worse once they realized he'd finally accepted what they'd all known for years; true to form, the teasing had increased tenfold, though only ever when Justin wasn't around.
Ryan's voice was gentle, however, as he said, "Chris. Seriously. What's on your mind?"
"What do you think?" Chris said heavily, giving up―if Ryan was going to tease him, so be it.
Ryan's eyebrow went up. "Justin again?" His tone was unreadable, but not teasing.
Chris nodded resolutely. "Justin again."
He could feel Ryan's gaze on him but refused to look back over, absently fidgeting with the necklace around his throat. He was bracing himself for the teasing he was sure was on its way―the good-natured jibes about his clear infatuation with the bassist, the word "gay" tossed around like a lighthearted insult, the jokes about every single interaction Chris had with Justin being flirty. Maybe without Vinny's endless repertoire of dirty jokes, but the usual assortment was enough.
To his immense surprise, Ryan's next words were as far from teasing as you could get. "Chris," the guitarist said seriously. "Why don't you just tell him?"
Shocked but covering it expertly, Chris snorted. "You think I'm actually capable of doing that?"
"I do, actually," Ryan said, and now Chris did look over at him, unable to hide the next wave of surprise that hit him at those words. Ryan read his expression and elaborated, "Look, man, I've known you long enough to know not telling him is killing you. I've also known you long enough to know that your brain just tried to jump straight into an anxiety spiral about ruining the friendship or whatever. And I'm telling you to tell it to shut up for once."
Chris blinked, a little thrown off. Ryan continued, softening a little. "Look, just because Ricky, Vin, and I tease you relentlessly about this doesn't mean we don't want to see you both happy. Actually, I'm fairly certain Vin's been waiting for you two to get your shit together since the moment you met. Point is, you deserve to be happy, Chris―and clearly Justin makes you happy."
Chris stared at his friend for a moment, processing. Ryan wasn't usually this much of a talker, but Chris had to admit it was a refreshing sort of wake-up call.
"How is it that even when you're scolding me, you manage to make me feel better about things?" Chris asked.
Ryan chuckled. "We've known each other for twenty years. It's a skill I've picked up along the way."
Chris shook his head. "What would I do without you?"
"Probably remain an idiot," Ryan said, gentle amusement in his voice. "Now promise me you'll get off your ass and talk to Justin after the show."
Chris smiled. "Alright, alright. I promise." He looked back at the mirror, sighing; he had to finish his makeup. He heard Ryan turn for the door and spoke again, almost without meaning to.
"Ryan?" The guitarist turned, and Chris met his eyes in the mirror, smiling again. "Thank you."
"It's what I'm here for, man," Ryan said simply, and disappeared.
Chris was amazed he'd managed to get through the show with such a clear head.
He'd thought he'd still be preoccupied turning over Ryan's simple but direct words in his mind; instead, it seemed the second he stepped out of the dressing room his head was clearer than it had been in weeks. Even spotting Justin applying the finishing touches to his makeup backstage, while it made his heart do its customary stutter, didn't send him crashing back into his thoughts, over-analyzing everything the way he tended to.
The show had been one of their best so far, and that was with Chris and Justin acting like fools onstage during "Brand New Numb." Chris walked offstage almost high on the adrenaline of performing, more proud of his performance than usual.
The short drive to the hotel was spent in the sort of tired but casual silence that usually fell over them after a good show. There was a bit of a sense of anticipation in the air―Chris thought he knew why, figuring Ryan had informed Ricky and Vinny of the conversation in his dressing room―but to his own surprise, Chris was able to ignore it, content for the moment to just be comfortable with his best friends.
They'd managed to secure individual hotel rooms for each band member, a rare but welcome occurrence; while the crew would still be sharing rooms, letting the band members each have his own gave them a much-needed chance to relax away from the others. Friends though they may be, Chris thought wryly as he accepted his key card from the woman behind the front desk, living together in close quarters on a comparatively small bus started to test their tolerance for each other after a point.
None of them said much as they crowded into the elevator up to their rooms; once they reached the landing, the five of them seemed to reach a mutual agreement that nothing significant was to happen until they'd all had a chance to shower and change out of their stage clothes. One by one, they peeled off into their own rooms.
Chris wasted no time getting into the shower; living on the bus meant real showers were a luxury only available on hotel nights, and he planned to take full advantage of it. Only once he was standing under the hot spray did he let his thoughts return to Justin and the conversation from earlier.
He was going to talk to Justin―he was. But letting himself think about it again, his anxieties began to return. What if he doesn't feel the same, what if this ruins our friendship, what if what if what if.
And perhaps the question that scared him the most: what if he does feel the same?
Chris shook his head in an effort to clear it, which only sent his wet hair flying into his face; grumbling to himself, he turned off the shower and stepped out, grabbing the nearest towel and using it to dry off the offending hair.
He'd barely finished changing into a T-shirt and a comfortable pair of sweatpants when a knock sounded at his door. Frowning slightly, Chris stood from where he'd perched on the edge of his bed; he figured it was one of the others, but what they wanted with him he had no idea.
He opened the door to reveal Vinny and Ricky both standing there.
"I'm surprised you're still here," declared Vinny, striding right into the room. Ricky shrugged apologetically at Chris and followed him in.
"Why?" Chris questioned him, a little suspiciously. "This is my room, after all."
Vinny grinned. "Thought you'd be with Justin by now."
Chris sighed. "I knew Ryan talked to you."
"Give him a break, Vin," Ricky chided, a good deal of amusement visible in the small smile he wore. "The man just got comfortable."
Chris waved him off. "You're fine. I swear I'm going to talk to him."
Ricky quirked an eyebrow at him. "Sometime in the next century, I presume?"
"Oh, shut up," Chris grumbled. "I didn't ask to be teased about this tonight."
"We're not actually here to tease you," Vinny told him. "I'm just fucking around because I'm a dick." He grinned good-naturedly at Chris, who couldn't suppress his own smile and quiet laugh.
"At least you're self-aware," Chris said.
Vinny shrugged. "It pays. Anyway, Ryan thought you might need a little extra encouragement. So here we are."
Chris shook his head, smiling fondly. "Bastard doesn't know when to quit."
"He's just trying to get you off your ass," Ricky pointed out. "If you'd just told Justin when you first got a clue, we wouldn't be in this situation."
Chris sighed. "You know it's not that easy."
Ricky's small hand appeared on Chris's arm. "I know," he said quietly. "We both do. But it's going to be fine."
"You really won't regret it, Chris," Vin said. "You just have to be willing to take the plunge."
Chris took a deep breath. "I don't know if I am." He looked at each of them, taking in the sincerity in their expressions. "But if I don't do this now, it will never happen."
Ricky smiled. "Then what are you waiting for?"
Chris took the hint and headed for the door without another word.
Justin's room was right next door; Chris hesitated before knocking, trying to steel himself. Just fucking talk to him. You've known him for five and a half years. You'll be fine.
Justin answered the door fairly quickly when Chris finally knocked, so fast that Chris almost had to wonder if he'd been waiting for him. "Hi," he said, not sounding at all surprised to find the singer standing somewhat awkwardly outside his door. "Come on in."
Chris obeyed, not really seeing he had any other choice. Justin led him in and sat down on the bed; Chris remained standing, abruptly very nervous.
He studied Justin for a moment, trying to settle his nerves; this proved to be a futile effort, as Justin was sitting there looking too pretty for his own good again and Chris's heart seemed to be skipping every other beat. Justin looked like he'd also recently gotten out of the shower; he'd donned a pair of sweatpants and left his shirt somewhere behind him on the bed, and his bright lime green hair was still visibly wet. Being able to see every contour of Justin's well-muscled body wasn't exactly helping Chris's ability to focus.
Chris realized he'd been staring only when Justin spoke, a laugh audible in his voice. "Are you ever going to stop staring at my abs?"
Chris started and looked down a little guiltily, hoping to god he wasn't blushing and fairly certain he was. "Sorry."
Justin laughed. "Don't apologize, it's kinda funny." Chris looked back up, still embarrassed; Justin's expression turned a little more serious. "So what brings you in here? Aside from admiring the view." The grin that accompanied those words was fleeting but genuine.
Bastard. Now he's the one teasing me. "Something I need to tell you," Chris replied, hoping his thoughts weren't written all over his face.
Justin quirked an eyebrow, a faint smirk on his face. "That's not a sentence that usually comes with good news."
Chris stared at him for a moment before snorting out a laugh despite himself. "You're teasing me," he said, more a statement than a question.
"Well, duh," Justin laughed. "Thought you'd be used to that by now."
Chris rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "You've been spending too much time with Rick and Vin."
"Your point is?" Justin rose to his feet, grinning; Chris felt himself relaxing, his anxieties melting away the way they tended to when he was with Justin. "I'm allowed to pick up a few things."
"Their sense of humor is not one of those," Chris deadpanned, and Justin laughed again, taking a couple of steps closer to where Chris stood.
"And why would that be?" Justin adopted a mock-innocent tone, though the gleam in his dark eyes told Chris he knew exactly why.
Chris humored him anyway. "They tend to have a habit of pushing jokes a bit too far." He grinned. "Usually at my expense."
Justin raised an eyebrow. "Are you insinuating that I've also committed such a horrible offense?" he said, sarcasm mingling with the mock-hurt tone he'd adopted and making Chris laugh again.
"Maybe not yet," he grinned. "But I wouldn't put it past you, J."
Justin brought a hand to his chest in mock-offense, which brought the reason Chris was in here at all crashing back to him as the movement drew his attention back to Justin's still-very-shirtless body and his heart tripped over itself again. "You wound me," Justin declared dramatically, and Chris laughed softly, albeit in a distracted sort of way.
Justin seemed to notice the shift in mood. He reached for Chris's hand―Chris hadn't even registered that he'd gotten close enough to do that―and when Chris let him take it, asked, "Back to the point―what is it you needed to tell me?"
"I, uh..." Chris hesitated, the nerves slamming back into him in a sudden wave. He'd never been great at this whole feelings thing.
Justin was studying him, his impossibly dark eyes alight with what Chris realized was understanding―and beneath it, a deep sort of want, to the point where it seemed the longer he looked into Justin's gaze the more it warranted an explicit content warning.
"It's okay," Justin murmured, and somehow he was closer than before and Chris's head was spinning. "You don't have to say it."
And a moment later his lips were on Chris's and everything narrowed down to that moment as Chris, surprised but elated, kissed back enthusiastically. Justin's kiss was at once gentle and demanding, different and better than anything Chris could ever have imagined. Chris let Justin lead the kiss, wrapped his arms around Justin's waist as he felt the bassist's hand bury itself in his hair; Chris wasn't entirely sure he wasn't dreaming.
Justin drew back reluctantly only when they needed to breathe; he didn't go far, resting his forehead against Chris's as both men caught their breath.
"How'd you know?" Chris murmured after a moment, still trying to process the significance of what had just happened.
"I didn't, not really," Justin replied. "I guessed." He pulled back to peer at Chris anxiously. "Was I right?"
Chris laughed―a relieved sort of sound even to his own ears. "Yes, you dork," he said.
Justin smiled. "Ryan said as much, but I guess part of me still didn't believe him."
Chris narrowed his eyes. "Hold on, Ryan came up to me earlier too."
"He set us up," Justin realized.
Chris shook his head with a fond, if exasperated, laugh. "I guess he got tired of waiting for us to get a clue."
"He's been teasing you too?" Justin asked.
"All of them have," Chris sighed, and then grinned. "How is it that they knew before either of us?"
"We're dumb," Justin declared, and Chris laughed again.
"That might be part of the reason I love you," he said.
Justin caught his gaze. "You love me?"
Chris hadn't even registered how easily the words had slipped out―and that was how he knew, with absolute certainty, that it was the truth. "Yeah," he said, and smiled. "I love you."
"How long?" The question was delivered quick enough that Chris wondered how long Justin had been waiting to ask.
He contemplated, taking note of the fact that Justin hadn't let him go, then said, "I don't know exactly―definitely for a while. I think maybe since the second Warped we were on together." He tilted his head curiously. "What about you?"
"Always," Justin said immediately, throwing Chris off guard. There was a simple honesty in his tone and his eyes that told Chris he was serious. "I've always loved you."
Chris took a moment to process that, feeling like his heart was about to burst right out of his chest. Then he smiled again. "Then what took you so long?"
"I could say the same to you," Justin countered, and Chris laughed, somewhat tentatively kissing him again.
"Fair enough," he admitted.
"But we're here now," Justin said, an unasked question lingering in his tone.
Chris smiled. "Yeah. And it's exactly where we're meant to be."