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Let it be known, it's all Jisung's fault.
… Well, it's his fault for falling for Jaemin's pleading eyes when he asked for help, of course, and agreeing so easily to a temporary job in a different country and all of that. It's not so much the 'rooming with him' than the 'having no actual privacy in that tiny studio of his' that gets to him after a while. Renjun always prided himself in being fairly well in touch with his inner self, balanced and well-maintained and thoughtful, but somehow, it becomes impossible to find those quiet moments where he can just be, as either work or Jaemin demand his attention in ways or another.
He snaps more often than not at the most trivial things - frustrated sighs and a disapproving shake of his head undermining the thin line he's treading these days. He always tries to make up for it in the end, but it's difficult to reason the amount of amend he can make. Jaemin can be annoying, yet is forgiving - aware of his own flaws, too. It alleviates a little of the blame, but the root of the cause remains.
His accumulating 'bad days' are filling him with regret. But it's not like he really can talk about it with Jaemin - sure, they're pretty good friends and such, but it's not quite the same as the dialogues he's used to hold with himself, in the privacy of silence and his own mind …
So when he talks to Jisung on the phone to update each other on their respective lives, he just happens to remember something the other used to do (maybe is still doing; he wouldn't put it past him, even if he now has an actual penpal).
A letter into the void.
… Obviously, he's not as stupid as Jisung was, but the idea rings something akin to fascination inside of him.
He wouldn't write to some empty house, but … what if …
He takes the pen: Dear myself of the future, …
The first letter is written at a scarily fast pace, but it takes a burden off of himself as he signs it with his own name. Nobody is going to see it, anyway, so he doesn't feel the need to hide the fact that he's writing it to himself. Feeling better already now that he focused solely on writing his thoughts down, he slips the letter into an envelope, seals it and puts it away.
For reasons, he doesn't like the thought of simply throwing it away, yet - keeping it there for a long time wouldn't do it with how the both of them cycle through cleaning duties and he'd rather not have this revealed to Jaemin by accident or so, not when they have to declutter on a regular to have enough space for new things. But it's a private letter to himself and if he wants to make sure that it stays that way, maybe …
Maybe Jisung is getting into his head. This is going to be fairly idiotic, he knows, but how many other options does he have?
In the end, he scribbles his own address on the envelope. And with a conflicted heart, Renjun goes to the post office.
-----
Truth be told, Renjun isn't really someone who frequents the post office a lot. Most of his things are bought in stores and everything else arrives at home just fine. Jaemin takes care of his own things, so Renjun isn't involved in whatever is going on in the other's postal life apart from accepting the one or other package by the door. Neither of them seem to send a lot of gifts or letters.
So he doesn't really know what he expects, but it's certainly not a sunshine-like smile when it's finally his turn - the sheer positive force of "Welcome to our quaint little post office, how can I help you today?" is definitely not how he thought this trip would start. He wonders how he missed the radiant energy of the postal worker while waiting in line, but … now, he kind of just blinks owlishly.
The other waits for a couple of moments, smile in place, before he clears his throat - the corners of his lips curling in a way that Renjun can only describe as 'a little devious'.
"Has my brilliance stolen your voice already?" he has the audacity to wink - and it's enough to push Renjun out of his own stupor.
Let it be known, he is definitely not blushing.
"-I want to send a letter," he states then, pointedly ignoring the comment as he slips the envelope over to the other. Lee Donghyuck, he reads on the nametag.
"Let me see … sure, I'll get the stamp ready for you!" he hums. He takes the envelope and glances over the address, nodding as he puts it on a scale before he punches the something into the register. "That'd be one international delivery! Any services you'd like to add?"
"Hm? Oh, no - actually, I was wondering - can I ask how long it's gonna take for this to be delivered?" comes to Renjun's mind instead.
"Hm, since it's overseas and all, I would probably guess four to five weeks at most? It would be faster with tracking or via express, but that might also depend a little bit on the final postal service," Donghyuck furrows his eyebrows in thought.
Kind of cute.
… Not the point.
"I see - err, untracked works perfectly for me, thank you," Renjun hurries to say with a small smile, implying a curt bow as he puts the respective amount of money on the table, swiftly getting handed his exchange in turn.
"Actually - we just got the cutest stamps if you want to take a look-" Donghyuck opens a drawer to what Renjun can only assume are where the stamps are stored, but he only shakes his head.
"Ah … no, I'm good, just pick whichever stamp, really," he's quick to say.
Maybe, he regrets it a little bit for the dejected expression on Donghyuck's face, but the other is recovering fairly soon with a bright grin.
"Really? My pick?" he then remarks amusedly. His fingers are quick to pick a motif that is soon put onto the envelope before Donghyuck holds up the freshly stamped letter that frankly, Renjun would rather not look at again (for a while, anyway). "Look at how cute your letter now looks with this sunflower!"
Renjun can't help the slightly bemused smile that occurs over the other's excitement - but, again, not the point. He simply nods. It is actually rather cute …
"And I really can't win you for a few more stamps?" Donghyuck inquires one more time as he puts the envelope aside, handing him the receipt.
Renjun shrugs in return. Why does he feel almost apologetic over this? But … well, it's better if he doesn't turn this into a habit.
"Nah, I think it's a one-time occasion, so I probably won't need it," he says.
Surely he'll find other ways to ground himself that don't cost him paper, stamps and a frantic writing session every time?
-----
When Donghyuck took on the job, he honestly thought working in a post office would end up rather boring - in the end, it's the twenty-first century, who's about to write letters?
As it turns out, … really not that many (stamp sheets are still being sold fairly often, though), but there are quite a lot of packages that need their postages, return deliveries that have to be marked as such, packages that want to be picked up because they couldn't be delivered right to the front door …
Especially with the varied tales and packages that the people bring with them, it's never quite as uneventful and it's even better when they warm up to the sunny-smiled postal worker behind the counter.
It's more fun than he thought, so it's easy to keep his spirits up.
It is pretty rare for someone to come in with unstamped envelopes, to purchase stamps right then and there, though.
It feels even rarer for the same person to do it again, a couple of weeks after.
Donghyuck can't deny that he was surprised when he saw the same (arguably beautiful) person enter again, the one with whom he may or may not have tried to flirt before - and with him, another unstamped envelope.
"Are you sure you don't want to buy some stamps to keep at home?" he remarked bemusedly at the stranger's unamused stare. There is something more to it, though … a stressed kind of look, something that threatens to spill over.
When the other just gives him a silent, deadpan look, he decides not to push it. He takes the envelope instead, thicker than the one before. There's one name he recognises again, though - Huang Renjun. Must be someone like a penpal?
Donghyuck doesn't dwell on it (it's not his business, anyway) and puts it on the scale, noting the correct stamp value needed. No sunflower this time, but the gardenia motif looks quite nice also. He punches each into the register and lists the price for the stranger who seems to have sorted out his change already - and is now met with surprise.
"That's more than last time," he furrows his eyebrows.
"Well, your letter is heavier this time, so … makes sense it would be more, not?" He looks curiously at the other. "You … don't really send letters often, do you?"
"What gave it away," the stranger remarks dryly, sighing - but if Donghyuck were to guess, it sounds more like he's frustrated with himself. "-Sorry, give me a moment to sort this out, I didn't mean to sound rude or something."
But Donghyuck just shakes his head. "Nah, you're good, no worries - it's far from the worst I've been through. And, hey, we're learning each and every day, right?"
Something in his words manages to ease up the stranger, fortunately, and he's able to get a glimpse of a small smile.
He can't help but to wonder how the other might look like, smiling brightly …
"Yeah, I guess I should get my postages here to be safe before I mess things up in the future, then," the stranger muses. "That is, if I have to write another letter."
If I have to sounds like an ominous prerequisite, but Donghyuck can't deny that he might be looking forward to the other's visits, whether or not they actually come. He smiles, humming.
"Well, I certainly wouldn't mind your presence."
-----
Life is stressful, alright? Renjun doesn't like it as much as the person next to him in the subway, but that's just how it gets sometimes.
And with this, he pens his third letter, heavily sighing to himself as he puts it into an envelope, neatly writing down his own address as recipient. Fortunately, he's been able to avoid Jaemin so far while he writes the letters, lest he'd have to go through five stages of pleading eyes until Renjun caves and tells him at least a fraction of what's going on. Which would only lead to further prying and his scarred mental state does not need that right now.
Maybe one day, he can just talk with Jaemin about it, but … certainly, today isn't the day.
He leaves a note on the counter with the promise of bringing back cake, knowing that Jaemin should be home soon after.
The trip to the post office almost feels familiar by now, even as it's merely his third time going. He almost finds himself looking forward to it, though he reasons that it must be simply because it means another weight off his shoulders. It definitely does not have anything to do with the sunflower-like smile of a certain postal worker … certainly not.
He will just willfully ignore whatever thoughts are threatening to surface about a certain (maybe a bit cute) person who is certainly not named Lee Donghyuck.
Pushing the door open, he's surprised to find that the shop is - sans for Donghyuck - empty. Normally, the queue is full of people bringing packages or buying a stash of stamps, but right now, he's just met with the bright existence head-on. Donghyuck waves to him that Renjun returns a small awkward wave as he bridges the distance to the counter.
"Uh … hi. Slow day?" Renjun remarks with a nod to their surroundings.
Donghyuck hums. "Yeah, you can say that. But it's nice not having to deal with too much stuff at once every once in a while. Of course, though, I'd be more than delighted to help you out here. What have you got for me today?"
Somehow, parting with the letter the previous times has felt … less heavy than now, but he swiftly pushes the envelope over the counter. "Same old, I guess," Renjun only comments.
The other takes the envelope with a nod, following through with the same procedure - checking size and weighing it before punching the amount into the register and reading the charge out loud. Then, Renjun hands him the money and this time, he gets a little change back, so Donghyuck proceeds to put a stamp on it, holding up the now-stamped envelope.
"You know, it almost makes me jealous of this Huang Renjun you're always writing to," Donghyuck's voice is playful, further undermined by the wink that follows - the comment honestly throws Renjun off to a point that he can only scoff to hide the surprise.
Well. That's … certainly a statement.
"Trust me, there's nothing to be jealous of," he handwaves it, hoping his face won't show the reddening of his cheeks as much. He's certainly not going to get caught here, right …?
"Still," Donghyuck remarks with a grin, mirth glistening in his eyes. "It's always nice to have a person to write to, or receive letters from."
Renjun doesn't comment further on it - the arrival of a new customer saves him as they come with a particularly heavy package needing the full attention of the postal worker. Quietly, he says his goodbyes and exits the post office.
Seriously, though - jealous of him, because of him?
He can't help but shake his head, a small smile forming as he walks to Jaemin's favourite bakery for the promised cake.
Well, it's certainly good that Donghyuck does not know …
-----
Donghyuck is just bidding farewell to another customer when the doorbell chimes to announce the recurring sight of none of other than … well, he's not even quite sure. The stranger who has come in three times by now, each time sporting a letter to the same person, and he doesn't expect things to be different today.
"Welcome, welcome! Have another letter for me to stamp, dear?"
Is Donghyuck gambling here? Probably. But he thinks it's well-worth to see the other's eye roll as he approaches the counter, a small smile yet forming by the corners of his lips.
"I think you're advancing a few steps too quickly-" the other pauses, eyes glancing towards his nametag, "-Lee Donghyuck."
"See! You already know my name, we're so close," the named one lets out a theatrical gasp.
Unfortunately, the stranger does not comply in his spiel more than that, or he might have had a chance to get to know the other's name. Instead, he's just handed the envelope - another time a neatly written Huang Renjun sitting atop the address field.
"How much today?"
"Straight to the business … you wound me," Donghyuck sighs, but he's quick to get to work. It's certainly less heavy than before, so he only calculates the minimum price as he lists the same to the other.
When he doesn't immediately hand him the cash, Donghyuck's gaze follows the stranger's as … oh, is he looking at their newly curated set of floral stamps? He can't help but to smirk.
"You know, if you want to buy the whole set, be my guest! The photographies turned out pretty solid if you ask me. If you want, you can still come by and I'll check size and weight for you," he suggests with a cheeky smile.
The other raises an eyebrow - and for a moment, it seems like he's considering it … before he all but shakes his head. "Ah - no, it'd be just a waste. I'm not here for much longer, to be honest."
And with those words, he hands over the money.
"Oh," Donghyuck muses, trying to ignore how his stomach falls maybe just a little bit.
It's silly, really - this is only the fourth meeting, and there is little more than curiosity. Yet, thinking this might as well be the last time …
"Well, guess it's another sunflower for you today then!" he exclaims at last, fidgeting for the stamp as he places it in the top right corner. The other nods.
"Thanks and - err - have a good day?"
"You, too!" Donghyuck replies with a smile, though it falters the moment the stranger exits the post office, evoking a long sigh out of him.
What a strange thing curiosity can be.
-----
Autumn is fast approaching, even under the scorching light of the late summer sun. Even as the breeze brings heat rather than chilliness just now, it's inevitable that the fiery season is coming to a close, and so does Renjun's stay.
He should feel more at ease, now that everything is wrapping up, and yet,, the foreboding feeling of another day ending prevails. There is still so much to do - so much to consider doing, and so much he wanted to get to. But as much as he's running, it's difficult to find an end to this - does he have more time now, or is the same just running through his fingers like sand?
His nerves are lit aflame.
Renjun sighs, running a hand through his hair when he hears the door closing with a loud bang! He's really done it this time, huh? It's not often that Jaemin gets really angry, but … well, he certainly can't blame him for that when the guilt sits deep in his stomach.
He has to apologise - but it's difficult to think with thoughts clouding his mind, so … taking a deep breath in the now-deserted apartment, he reaches for his pen and begins to write.
It's similar to the first time in the sense that the words come out hastily, too hectic to be legible in the future. In a frenzy like this, it's so little about preservation and so much about releasing the tension that crawled into his mind, restless - unease taking shape in the sharp inhale, sharper exhale of words.
Breathing feels hard, even as he signs the letter with his own name, adding a sad little doodle for good measure. It doesn't alleviate much of the heaviness inside.
Leaving a note by the table, Renjun leaves the apartment once more. Perhaps, fate will be gentle - cruel enough and he doesn't have to run into that familiar face, all sunshine and playful smiles.
In the end, it's both relief and pain when he's greeted with the postal worker's - Donghyuck's - face.
"Wow, you look terrible," the other's voice comes out cheery, unabashed, as if joking with a close friend while simultaneously holding concern in his eyes.
The smile that comes out on Renjun's own face is more wry, lopsided.
How do you do that, he wants to ask, smile everyday like it's nothing?
"Figures," he only shrugs, fearful that in this vulnerable moment, he might as well spill everything to this stranger and more.
Donghyuck raises an eyebrow, but Renjun only puts the envelope on the counter. The process is a silent one - or, it should be, with how little he's contributing to the non-existent conversation, but somehow, Donghyuck still finds a little way to chat.
"The weather's quite nice today, not?" he hums as he weighs the letter, checking size and dimensions.
Renjun blinks, irritated. "Huh?" Truth be told, he hasn't really looked out today, but he finds his eyes wandering towards the sunlit windows, revealing the streets of peaceful mundanity.
It doesn't keep his heart from clenching uncomfortably.
"Yeah … I guess it is."
"I heard that the bakery down the street is running a bit of a promotion today, their cake is quite worth worshipping," Donghyuck continues his idle chatter as he notes down the needed stamp value in the register, showing it Renjun. "I heard sunflowers are blooming in the park at this time of the year, too."
"I know …" Renjun replies slowly. Well, he hasn't heard about the bakery, but he remembers he wanted to watch the sunflowers - time and stress have worn his plans down to nothing, though. He furrows his eyebrows.
What is Donghyuck even talking about?
The other bursts in a hearty laughter, humming. "Sorry, was that too much? You just look … very grim for wear, I thought those things might cheer you up. Something on your mind?" Donghyuck remarks as he hands him the change.
Renjun only shrugs.
I don't really want to talk about it, he could easily say and be done with this.
"Things feel heavier these days," Renjun voices instead. "I'll get over it." How, he's quite unsure, but he's been through tougher times. This, too, will probably pass and end up as another unfortunate memory he'll have to sit through on eerily quiet days.
"Mh …" Donghyuck hums, pensively turning the envelope in his hands as he does. It's a little unnerving, though the genuinely thoughtful look on the other's face doesn't quite set off the alarm in his head just now.
"Yeah …" he shrugs. "It is what it is."
Donghyuck seems like he wants to say something, but before he's granted a chance to do so, Renjun's phone goes off. Scrunching his nose, he looks over to the other with an apologetic smile before taking the call, going a few steps aside.
"Jisung …? Why are you calling me right now?" he says in a hushed voice. He doesn't expect the younger to call him for much any serious reason, nor for the call to last long, though perhaps, he should have considered stepping outside no less.
"Ah - please don't get mad, but … I just called Jaemin earlier and he doesn't seem to be doing so great … so I just wanted to check in with you, too-" Jisung's voice is hesitant, but he's blunt at the same time, as careful as a toddler.
Renjun's face immediately falls.
"-so, as I was saying, I just wanted to ask you-" Jisung continues after a moment.
"Stop right here-"
Jisung huffs. "Huang Renjun, will you just let me-" he exclaims exasperatedly, cut off another time with a long sigh.
Whatever you say, I know I'm in the wrong.
"Don't Huang Renjun me now, I know I've done wrong and I know I should apologise, but it's - hard sometimes, okay? And just-" Renjun doesn't notice his own voice rising as he's so blatantly presented with his disrupted reality.
He runs a hand over his face, feeling exhaustion settle back in as his eyes wander - and gaze over Donghyuck who looks a little stumped.
It's only then that - he didn't just … give away his name, did he?
There is a small, delusional part of him that believes Donghyuck might not connect the dots, but by the way the other wants to say something, that doesn't seem to be the case.
"-sorry, I need to go-" Renjun stutters out, steps retreating, unsure who he's addressing - maybe both - as he exits the post office in haste, hanging up on Jisung without further notice.
His steps are fast, carried by a churning, red-burning sensation.
Perhaps, things are just not meant to work out for him.
-----
Wallowing in his own self-pity, he stares at the ceiling of his provisory room, unaware of the passage of time despite the theoretical time crunch he's under. Only the sporadic counting of sighs is what reminds him that somehow, the world keeps moving all around him.
It takes him some courage to open the text message that Jisung sent pretty much the moment he hung up on him.
Hey, I really just meant to ask - are you okay?
It's a futile weeping, tears shed for no particular reason, but it feels cathartic no less when he calls Jisung and finally, for once, admits that things are not going his way; haven't, for a while. That, probably - likely - currently, he is not okay.
It's not that the younger offers much in terms of advice (well, he does have a few grains of wisdom here and there, though), but it's comforting no less to have someone who listens.
And speaking of someone …
The sun already set by the time Jaemin returns home, face worn, always so affected by the most sentimental things. It's why Renjun cooks for him on account of Jisung's suggestion, revealing parts of his mind as a peace offering. He's glad when Jaemin accepts and they talk over dinner, a familiar feeling of openly speaking to another - at long last. It feels like an eternity since they sat down and talked about everything that's been on their mind, mundane or heavy.
He hasn't noticed that he missed his friend so dearly, in this manner - or, to have been missed, in this way.
-----
The sweet relief of returning home is marked with promises to come visit, something that treacherously fell under the radar for years gone by, but Renjun's hopeful that the future might be different.
It's bittersweet to leave behind the town that has been a temporary home to him for a while.
In the end, his eyes glance over the post office when they drive to the airport, but he averts his gaze soon after. He hasn't really spoken to Donghyuck after the fifth letter - it's … really not like there's any reason to. He did write a sixth letter, but it's deeply buried in his suitcase now, a name unlike his own penned on the envelope - a name engraved in sunflowers.
When he finally opens the mailbox of his own home, he finds four of five of his own letters delivered, alongside the rest of his mail.
At least for now, he doesn't have to confront the memories of the poor choices he made.
Adjusting back to his life before is easy, as strange as it is at the same time. Falling back into the routine of living on his own is easier than he thought, returning to the respite of his own mind soon after a few missteps of relying on a phantom that is no more.
A positive change is certainly that he's trying to stay much more in contact with Jaemin after all, even picking up a few other loose threads of his past - and now, present - that he's been pushing aside.
What also lingers from those days before are the letters, addressed to no one in particular. Suddenly, the silence to himself isn't quite as sufficient no longer, not when there is comfort in writing something down, too. He doesn't feel the need to send the letters to himself anymore, though.
The post office would probably know who he is already.
The post office wouldn't have sunflower stamps.
(… They wouldn't, he checked online.)
Instead, he just tucks them away in his drawer, next to the other letters he wrote abroad.
A week passes before his fifth letter arrives - sporting a gardenia stamp, much like some of the other letters that weigh heavier.
However, when Renjun opens the mailbox, he finds another one - a kraft paper envelope, scribbled on with some white gel pen. The sketch of a sunflower greets him, alongside the familiar sunflower stamp and a stamp depicting a flower he can't recognise.
He scrunches his nose. Absentmindedly, he closes the door as he looks at the unfamiliar handwriting, eyes scanning over the envelope to catch the sender.
Lee Donghyuck.
Renjun nearly drops the envelope at the familiar name, heartbeat quickening. How - why … There is a stray thought of simply throwing the letter away, a part of him fearing what he might find in there, but in the end, curiosity outweighs.
He takes a seat on his couch and slowly opens the envelope to a single page of paper, doodled all over with small stickers and stripes of washi tape here and there. He hisses when he smudges a part of the ink with his sweaty fingers, wiping them off before finally starting to read.
Dear Huang Renjun,
I ought to apologise for writing you out of the blue. It's probably criminal in some way or another to use my job position to lurk at your address and write you. But with the way our meeting today ended, I wanted to write you a letter no less, just in case you don't come back (which is totally fine, by the way, just in case you've been wondering - I doubt I'd go back if I were you).
Apologies for listening in on your conversation, and I hope you're not feeling too down however. I did notice that you weren't always in your highest spirits when it came to the letters you handed over, though of course, it was and it's still not in my position to inquire. So, I just wanted to say sorry.
But while I'm here, let me tell you about the flowers you've seen so far!
The sunflower is my personal favourite and I was rather iffy about the fact that it's pretty much only in use when sending letters abroad, but I guess I got lucky with you here? Heh … one can't help but to be pulled in by its brilliant shade of yellow, after all. It stands for many things, but the ones I like the most are radiance (obviously), faithfulness, loyalty, adoration and respect.
Next is the gardenia, which you've come to use more often now; apart from that, I don't really see it that much, either. It doesn't seem surprising that gardenias can stand for purity, sweetness, joy and good luck! Hm, and I heard something about a secret love, too … I hope the stamps might be a lucky charm for you one day!
And the last one, the balloon flower … hah, I didn't have a gardenia stamp at hand, so I made-do with combining stamps I had at home. I quite like this flower, though, and it feels fitting … maybe? It stands mainly for endless love, but also friendship - and honesty.
Seriously, I probably step way and beyond what I should say, but I do hope you can work things out with that friend of yours. Maybe you have by now?
I wish you the best of luck!
Yours sincerely,
Donghyuck.
P. S. … actually, did you ever read my nametag? I'm that postal worker that stamped your letters … just in case you forgot or never noticed.
P. P. S. Don't feel obliged to reply to this letter (or even read it - but if you read this, you probably read the rest, too). I really just wanted to share my thoughts with you and that's that!
P. P. P. S. But if you want to write me back, I certainly wouldn't say no. The address on the envelope is my actual, real one, so … yeah! Is this weird? Haha … I hope you are doing well, though.
Renjun sighs when he finishes the letter - a smile involuntarily blossoming on his face as he shakes his head. This …
He stares into the distance for a while before he gets up to his desk. Opening a block of writing paper, he begins to write:
Dear Lee Donghyuck, …