Work Text:
Kaveh was lying on his bed, the sun barely rising, and yet he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep. He had maybe gotten a total of eight hours of sleep within the past three days. He turned stiffly to his side, a calendar pasted onto the wall. The final day. Today was the final day. He had waited a few months for this day, nearly moving the date closer during a few rough drunken nights in which he dragged a knife across his stomach and thighs, spilling the crimson liquid along with the crippling emotions.
The first birds had risen and began to twitter merrily outside his window, as he sat up wearily. He had to force himself out of bed, fixing his hair, changing out of his clothes, and getting on with his day. This was his last day before he killed himself and he wanted to make sure everyone he knew had at least one last memory they enjoyed with him. Shuffling begrudgingly out of his room, he dimly greeted the scholar Alhaitham, who had seemed to have been awake a handful of minutes before Kaveh, as he was already dressed and prepared for the day, book in hand.
"Good Morning," he greeted Kaveh, not bothering to look up from his book as he did so. Kaveh scoured the kitchen for a small breakfast.
"Morning," Kaveh returned the greeting, as he sliced a zaytun peach. The conversation didn't last much longer than that, and Kaveh was mostly grateful for the silence, otherwise it might have turned into their usual bantering, and Kaveh truly had no energy left for that. They sat in silence together for the better part of the morning, before Alhaitham got up to leave for work. Once the other had dutifully strode out of the house, Kaveh took this opportunity to write Alhaitham a final goodbye on a small piece of paper. He began to write
Dear Althaitham,
I'm Sorry.
Kaveh's hand froze, hovering over the letters that sealed his fate. His hand trembled slightly. He had no idea what to write, there was so much to say, and all he could come up with are two pathetic little words, an apology he didn't truly mean. What should he write. What needs to be said between them before he's gone. He took a deep, shaky breath and continued on.
Dear Althaitham,
I'm Sorry. I'm sorry for arguing with you so much, you didn't deserve it. It was just me, letting my emotions get the best of me as usual, just as they are now. You don't deserve any of the frustrations I have put you through.
For this, I have decided to leave. Not to move out, but I have decided to end my life, and by the time you read this I most likely will be gone already. Don't mourn for me please, I deserve no such thing. The only thing I have been in life is a burden to everyone around me.
Kaveh let out a frustrated yell, crumpling the paper and burying his face in his hands, hot tears streaming down his face. A feeling all too familiar, as the tears followed the paths of his skin as they always did. He wiped furiously at his face, until his eyes and nose were red and raw, before he got up, grabbing another piece of paper and started again.
Dear Alhaitham,
By the time you read this, I will already be dead. Do not mourn for me, all I was in life was a burden to everyone around me.
Please, just move on with your life after I have killed myself.
Your roommate,
Kaveh.
Kaveh didn't dare write "Your friend" before his name. He was sure Alhaitham would rejoice in his passing. There would be no more petty bantering from him, or late nights in which he kept the scholar up with his hammering on his projects. It would be better without him. Kaveh placed the note down, making sure it was obvious to see, before he left the house for the last time.
Kaveh took one last good look at his home, before he closed the door behind him, a sense of relief washing over him. He wouldn't have to come back to it, he wouldn't have to come back to the unfinished projects on his desk that had a deadline in a few days, not the zaytun peach he left uneaten on a plate, nor the rooms he had sat in, crying and bloodied during ungodly hours of the night.
It was like a weight had been completely lifted from him, and he was free. Almost. He decided to casually walk through Sumeru City, enjoying the chattering of people going about their morning. Children played about as some vendors set up shops. Kaveh relished this feeling, usually he had ignored it and brushed his way through the streets on his way to whatever business he had to attend to, but since he no longer had such responsibilities he appreciated it a lot more.
The morning was rather humid, the air sticky on his skin as he admired the settings. The birds chirping and fluttering about, and the light glow of the sun just barely above the horizon, and the sweet scent of the fresh air. Ironic, isn't it? You are only truly able to appreciate the beauty of life, when you are aware of your soon ceasing of it. As much as Kaveh wanted, he saw no other escape. No other fix to his dilemmas, after years of dealing with it. He had no one to talk to, no one to turn to in times of need, because he convinced himself no one wanted him.
No one liked him. He was nothing to everyone, and he firmly believed that. He believed he was attention seeking, and soon his flamboyant attitude wilted and died. There was very little light in him left, as he looked fondly upon the scenery. He had to figure out how to spend his last day, relishing every little thing.
He looked at the children, up early with their bouts of energy overflowing within them, running about, chasing each other with toys and sticks. He smiled, the first genuine smile he has had in a good while. He remembered fondly upon his early childhood, running about just like that, not a care in the world.
His reminiscing on by gone nostalgia turned bitter as the memories of his father's death, and the aftermath came back to him. His expression soured and he quickly shuffled away any of those memories, not wanting to feel the guilt and remorse on this last day. He wanted today to be the last good day he will have, and if he was honest he can't remember a time when he truly had one, besides his early childhood.
He carried on walking. The day began to progress, the air getting warmer and increasingly humid as the sun rose higher above the city's head. He had just been wandering aimlessly for the better part of an hour, nearly completely blank. Reality was slowly slipping its way out of his fingers and he wasn't bothered about it one bit. The melancholy of knowing you will die soon, and the strange acceptance of it had truly brought Kaveh some peace.
He didn't have to worry anymore at all, and it was truly a burden being lifted off his shoulders. He was doing the world good by this. The day was rather boring, it dragged on, and on, and I will spare you the details, but Kaveh did run into a few of his friends and acquaintances, one of those being Tighnari.
Their conversation seemed to be purely small talk, but Kaveh knew Tighnari could tell something was wrong. Tighnari had a certain instinct when it came to people, being able to tell when something was off purely by gut feeling, and more often than not, he was right.
"Are you alright? You're acting a little odd." Tighnari said, sliding it into their idle chit-chat. It took Kaveh off guard for a moment, because he was sure Tighnari wouldn't ask him about it, and he was sure he was doing a good job of acting casual and normal.
"Of course, why do you ask?" He said, a smile playing on his face, attempting to cover up any suspicions. Tighnari narrowed his eyes, his stare reminding him of Alhaitham's own intense, studious glare. Tighnari carefully looked over him for a moment before sighing.
"Well, if you say so, just know if you want to talk I can listen."
Kaveh nearly felt his breath hitch, but he stopped any reaction. He knew Tighnari was just being courteous, and most likely didn't mean that sentence, but it still made Kaveh's heart squeeze painfully. Such mental states are dangerous things, more dangerous than anything in this world, in fact, It takes more lives than any other cause. How had Kaveh truly convinced himself of such a lie.
Kaveh put on a shaky smile, attempting to hide the writhing emotion within him. He had always been emotional, even since he was a toddler, playing about and crying over broken toys. "I'll keep that in mind," He said curtly, beginning to walk away, "Well, I should head off now, see you around." And with that he quickly walked away from Tighnari, who stood watching him go with his arms crossed.
Maybe Kaveh didn't want to spend the day outside anymore. He thought he might want to spend more time with the people he knew before he left, but now that seemed too overwhelming for him. Maybe he should end it now...Kaveh shook his head. There was one thing he wanted to do before he killed himself and that was see the stars one last time.
It was around noon by the time he trudged back home, more exhausted than usual. He walked into the living space, the uneaten zaytun peach still sitting there, and an Alhaitham holding his note he had written. Kaveh's heart dropped to his feet and he felt all the blood drain from his face. Why was he here? Didn't he go to work? Why is he here?
Alhaitham met Kaveh's eyes, an emotion swimming in them that Kaveh couldn't dare identify. "What is this." he said, his voice was quiet, but stern. Kaveh looked at him blanky, they both knew what it was, and he didn't have any words to say. The silence was deafening.
"Kaveh," Alhaitham said, his voice louder this time, as he took a step towards him. This was the most emotion Kaveh had ever seen from the man. "What is this." he repeated. It was clear Kaveh would have to give an answer and he couldn't argue his way out of this one.
"A suicide note." Kaveh said, his voice wavering with his own emotion. He watched Alhaitham, waiting for a reaction, but so far there was no noticeable one besides the unidentifiable emotions swirling like a hurricane in his red-green eyes.
"Why..." Alhaitham said softly, the rest of the question dying on his lips. That's when Kaveh broke, tears welled and spilled steadily.
"It was too much," his voice cracked as he stood there sobbing, finally spilling all of his emotions onto the floor, laid bare for Alhaitham to see. Years of pent up frustrations, years of never telling anyone about it, and the dam had finally cracked and spilled. "I- There was nothing- I can't-" He stuttered, not having the words to explain anything to him.
"Kaveh..." The way Alhaitham had said his name, made Kaveh freeze. Was..he crying? Alhaitham's voice wavered as he spoke, his face contorted his deep sadness, tears not yet spilling down his face as he appeared to try and remain stoic. "Promise me, you will never kill yourself."
"But-"
"Promise me!" he shouted this time, making Kaveh startle slightly. Did Alhaitham genuinely care? It was hard for Kaveh to believe, that this man, who bickered with him over everything, and never showed any emotion, remaining mostly apathetic---besides his temper of course---in most situations, finally break down in front of him. Because of him.
Kaveh stared at him, stunned completely. He caused this, of course he did. Proving his point further that he was just a burden. "I'm sorry," he sobbed, "I'm sorry..." He looked down, unable to meet his eyes in utter shame. Alhaitham took another step closer, and dragged him into an embrace. Now, that would be the cherry on top for Kaveh on the list of things he never expected Alhaitham to do.
"You are not a burden Kaveh. You never were and you never will be, please, promise me you won't do it." His voice was taught with distress, tears still threatening to spill, but even Alhaitham would force them down. Kaveh let himself be enveloped by the embrace, cautiously avoiding returning it.
"I promise..." he said softly in between sniffles. Alhaitham sat him down after Kaveh had calmed himself down more, and talked with him. Kaveh spilled everything, all of his issues and what had so painfully brought him to this point. Everything finally, finally laid bare for someone to see, for someone to drag him out of the turbulent sea of his mentality.
It was a burden finally lifted.