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Part 1 of Scar's "Foolproof" Guide to the Galaxy
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2023-05-11
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Reverse Bitch Slap (Slapped by a Bitch)

Summary:

X lands on the planet Lush to pick up some supplies for the HSS. At the same time, a shapeshifter on the run is sprinting through the same market in a blind panic.

Or,

First contact (literally).

Notes:

Hey y'all! This work is a part of my friend Parker (@oasisofgalaxies)'s Hermits in Space AU, formally called Scar's "Foolproof" Guide to the Galaxy, or just SFGG.

I've written some things in this universe before, and it's an honor to do it again! (You should read the whole series. It's really fucking good.)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Hex Ahn'tilés was having a really bad week. 

It wasn't enough that he'd finally gotten out off that shithole planet with its shithole rituals, away from his (more than) slightly shithole brother. No. They had to crash on Lush, of all fucking places, a planet absolutely TEEMING with life, and island-hop until they could get their stupid fucking ship serviced. 

Usually, a planet being filled with life wasn't an issue, but this time around- oh, whatever. If everything went well, it shouldn't be an issue. 

Things were, currently, not going well. There was a good chance that this was going to be an issue. 

Just his luck. 

Okay. Imagine, if you will, a beetle-shaped creature. This creature is about the size of a human and off-white in color. Great! That's Hex! Now imagine that this creature is trudging along a sandy beach and dragging along some sort of crate, muttering crossly to himself. The sun is warm bordering on hot, and the ocean is a picture-perfect blue, and the guy walking on it is very pissed off indeed. 

Hex had been island-hopping for about four hours now. It was difficult work, and they weren't the best swimmer, but thankfully the islands were separated by a shallow bit of water at most. 

Ahead, a modest group of buildings rose from the sand and the green of the forest behind it. It was about a 5 minute walk, maybe 4 if you were going on all eights, which Hex definitely was. He scuttled along, just trying to find someone who would fix their damn ship. And maybe get some food. 

Lush was a planet crowned the vacation destination choice of the universe by at least several galaxies, most of them notoriously business-and-production-centered sectors. Its flora and fauna beautiful and placid, its climes stable and delightfully warm but never too hot, it was a great place to come for a weekend trip. 

It was also a veritable trading hub, as its allure of great weather drew in merchants and peddlers from basically everywhere. After all, why NOT visit? It's not like you're gonna be frozen half to death while being scammed off your ass like on Hiemal, or potentially set on fire while being scammed off your ass like on Caldera. Yes siree, Lush was just the place to go if you wanted to be duped out of 80% of the things you owned while being gently caressed by a cool breeze! 

Hex may or may not have also heard a lot of things about Lush while stuck at home. That was irrelevant. 

Finally getting off of the sand and onto the paved-ish path that led to the open-air market, they looked around. There were always a lot of different sort of species around these sorts of places, so he wouldn't look TOO out of place (he hoped), but still, if anyone recognized what he was then that would raise some questions for SURE. 

See, the whole thing with Hex's species was that they were shapeshifters. Not like that, though- they stayed in a sort of stasis or larval stage until choosing someone to take the form of. The Speculti had a whole agreement with another species where they traditionally only shifted to their likenesses. 

Hex had been in stasis for... a while. Usually, larvae shifted pretty young, usually around maturity, but they weren't exactly following conventions here. Another reason why he was running. 

Anyways, if anyone recognized that there was an unshifted Speculti just running around, yeah, that would not be good. 

Still trying to go as fast as possible but also trying his best to not look like a giant desperate bug, Hex stayed close to the ground and skittered across the street, people parting ways for them. No questions yet. Good. 

If everything went right, he should be just fine.


Xisuma B. Void, the captain of the HSS, was visiting Lush to quickly restock his ship. 

The market he had landed in was open-air and quite small, which was intentional. He wasn't really in the mood for the hustle and bustle of the central cities, and anyways, this guy sold REALLY good fruit. 

While waiting for the lanky many-armed shopkeep to get the crates of starberries out of the back, X leaned against the counter and just took in the view. It was a nice day, which was normal for Lush, and the air that had been filtered through his helmet smelled fresh and sweet. (His lungs sucked. Blame the asthma.) 

With a small yawn and a stretch, he walked out a little further into the street. It wasn't too busy. He could just wait here until the vendor got back. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he could spot a large... beetle? guy? thing? approaching at frankly unnerving speeds. Their appearance was nothing of note- the universe was huge, after all, and diversity is the spice of life- but they were clearly in a hurry and, critically, not really looking where they were going. 

They paused a minute to upright themself with a grumble, yanking the bag they had brought closer to them, and continued on their way, slower this time, towards the fruit stand. X moved to the side to let them pass.

The vendor came back, holding the crates, and the beetle-shaped stranger tripped on a small hole in the street, knocking into X and also accidentally shoving a few things off of the counter. 

"Are you alright?" X asked automatically, extending an arm to help whoever it was back up, but instead of apologizing their body started bubbling. That probably wasn't normal. The vendor put the crates down and, grumbling, put the trinkets back up onto their shop counter, oblivious to the scene at hand. 

"Hey," said X as the now not very beetle shaped beetle started towards the street. "Are you okay?" 

As soon as what was clearly a set of legs materialized under them, the stranger cursed and took off sprinting in the other direction, still bent towards the ground, stumbling as they went. 

"I'm so sorry, but I'll be back in five minutes if that's alright," said X, thumbing behind him. The vendor nodded but extended a hand. 

"Right," said X, taking a handful of currency out of his pocket and putting it onto the counter. "Thanks! Be right back!" With a pause, he grabbed their bag and slung it over his shoulder. They probably hadn't intended to leave it behind. 

And with that, he power-walked-half-jogged in the direction he had seen the shapeshifting stranger headed. 

It wasn't too hard to follow their trail, even though they had gotten quite the head start on him. Storegoers pointed him in the direction they had gone, and eventually the winding streets thinned out, making way for more sand. 

A pair of very perpendicular footprints led from the last of the stones, headed left to where the water was. 

X paused to take a deep breath- again, lungs, even with his helmet he couldn't go too fast for long- and set off at a more leisurely pace, looking for any signs of struggle or change in the footprints. 

As he had expected, it only took a few seconds to hear some very loud wheezing from the direction of a small cluster of trees. 

He walked as quietly as he could but not silently as to not startle whoever it was (hard to be silent in armor anyways), leaning from behind the tree before he approached. "Hey, you dropped your bag." 

The stranger, now looking a lot more like a human, was on their hands and knees in the sand, coughing and wheezing and half-sobbing and just trying to catch their breath in general. They didn't seem to notice him.

X knelt beside them. "Are you okay?" Then, realizing that was probably redundant given their state: "It gets easier to breathe if you sit up and try to go slow with it."

The stranger did so, head still hanging low, breath coming erratically but slower now. They had white hair and were very thin, so thin that X could see their ribcage. He sat down and handed their bag to them, and they grabbed it without looking up and placed it on their lap. He waited patiently for them to look up. It was silent except for the stranger's gasps and the lull of the waves on the shore. 

"Shit," they muttered, fists holding up their head. "Shit. Shit. Shit. This wasn't supposed to- SHIT."

"If it helps, I have some spare clothes back at my ship," said X. "They're probably going to be a little big on you, but I'm pretty sure that's not the biggest thing on your mind right now." 

"Yeah, no shit," the stranger muttered, finally looking up. Their eyes were red and their nose crooked. "What a fucking way to end the week." They looked back down again. 

"My name's Xisuma, but most people just call me X," said X. "I just came here to resupply my ship. You knocked a few things off that guy's counter and they didn't look too mad about it. You're probably fine." 

"No, it's not that," said the stranger, still staring at the bag in their lap. "You don't get it. This wasn't supposed to happen." They looked at their hand, flexing it and turning it around. "There was an agreement. I mean, I'm not sure that fuckin' matters anymore, given that I'm here now, but still. Literally I'm not supposed to be looking like this. I don't know why this happened." They looked up at him again. "Oh, shit, you're the guy, aren't you?"

"Yeah, you ran into me," said X with a small shrug. "No big deal. I'm a big guy, it takes more than that to knock me over." 

"Shit," the stranger repeated. "Okay. Well for SOME reason my fucked up DNA decided it was a great fucking idea to just do the fucking shapeshifting thing as soon as I touched you!" They gestured outwards angrily. "I guess it had to happen eventually, but I wasn't thinking it'd happen like this. And now I'm a fuckin- uh, what species again?" 

"Human," said X. 

"Huh," said the stranger with a small chuckle, looking down at themself again. "That's kind of cool, actually." 

"I'd say so," said X. "I mean, it's worked out pretty well for me. You?"

"Oh, uh, don't worry about it," said the stranger hastily, awkwardly extending one hand. "I'm Hex." 

"Nice to meet you," said X, taking it and shaking it. "Well, I'm not entirely sure what just happened- something about you running into me and shapeshifting?"

"Yeah," said Hex, leaning back a little. "Usually its a whole thing where we like, go into metamorphosis and then turn into an exact copy of whoever we chose. Something went screwy, though, I think."

"Yeah, you definitely don't look like an exact copy of me," said X. "I'm pretty sure that I'm not built like that."

"You can say that again," muttered Hex.

"If the important bits are retained, though, then that means- oh," said X.

"What?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

"What?

"Judging from how you were wheezing a minute ago, you probably inherited my lungs," said X with a small, embarrassed laugh. "They're uh, horrible. The main reason I have this helmet is so that I can actually, y'know, breathe properly." 

"You're kidding me," said Hex, deadpan. 

"I'm not," said X. He sighed. "Dude, you ran that whole way with asthma and no support?"

"Well, yeah," said Hex. "I didn't know I'd have shit lungs."

"That's fair," said X, getting to his feet. "I'm going to go back and let the vendor know I'll be along soon, and then I'll pick you up something to wear. Shouldn't take more than 20 minutes. Does that sound good?"

"Yeah, it does, but why are you doing this?" asked Hex, looking up at him. "We have literally never met. I probably ruined your entire afternoon."

"Because it's the nice thing to do," said X with a shrug. "Also, you're obviously having a rough one and need the help." 

"You said you were the captain of a ship?" said Hex. 

"Yeah. Need to go anywhere?"

"Well, I was gonna try and get mine repaired," said Hex. "I don't know if yours is big enough to have a hangar bay or anything, but I think once I get that fixed up I'll find something to do."

"No hangar bay, but there's plenty of room," said X. "I wouldn't mind some company. As long as you help out with some of the chores and don't like, try to steer us directly into an asteroid field or anything, you should be fine."

"I have a vested interest in not dying, actually," said Hex. "I can do that, yeah. Just one thing, though."

"Yep?"

"You know Lemure? Like, the planet?"

"Mhm."

"I do not want to go ANYWHERE near that shit."

"I can do that, yeah."


An hour later, X found himself walking down the path to his ship with Hex by his side. 

After a short conversation and an extra tip given to the vendor, he'd carried the crates to his new ship and gotten a spare set of clothes for Hex. As he'd expected, they were a bit large on them, but he could always go looking for more. 

"Damn," said Hex as the vessel came into view. "That's shiny."

"Yep," said X, pressing a well-concealed button to open the ramp in and walking back towards of it. "Just got her last week. I haven't figured out a name yet, sadly."

Turning around, he saw Hex hovering at the foot of the ramp, looking uncertain. "What? Worried about scuffing it up?" he joked. "Trust me, I've already dropped so many things onto the floor. You're fine."

"It's not- well, sort of, but that wasn't the thing," said Hex. "It's just. This is your ship, yeah? We literally just met today. Are you SURE I can come on?"

X just stared at them silently. "Dude," he said finally. "I literally invited you in."

"Yeah, okay," said Hex, walking up the ramp. As they caught up with him, they looked around while walking. "I'm probably not going to leave too much of a mess. Don't worry about your floors. If you need your space, I can get myself figured out in like, a week, tops?"

"What are you talking about?" asked X. "You can stay forever if you want. I don't care." Hex was silent as he set the crates down in the main hold. He dusted his hands off and turned around, arms folded. "If it helps, I was going to be looking for a copilot soon."

Hex blinked. "Okay," they said. "You're sure? Like, absolutely certain."

"Certain as I'll ever be, my friend," said X, walking up to the cockpit. "Feel free to look around. I'm not sure where we're going next, probably to get you some new clothes, but I don't mind floating around in space for a few days." 

As he closed the door behind him and settled into the chair, he could hear footsteps echoing around the ship- slow and uncertain at first, but becoming quicker and more confident as he booted up the engine. 

X smiled to himself, mind drifting as his hands worked the controls. Hex would probably need a helmet of their own, but he could just model it after his own. As for what they would wear, that wouldn't be a problem either. He'd have to ask them what they liked to eat later, and probably try his hand at cooking that... 

Notes:

hex's pronouns are he/they, but x (he/him) uses they/them for him because he forgot to ask earlier. thankfully he's still right lol

hex's whole thing is that they're on the run from their home planet! they didn't really get along with everyone there. usually his species has this sort of ritual thing with another species and its been like this for decades. its much more intentional usually but yeah

turns out waiting as long as hex did to do the shapeshifting thing really fucks with your dna and so his body just got hella confused and went "oh? dna to copy? don't mind if i do!" hence The Sudden Fuckery

this is, timeline-wise, the start to sfgg! the other characters slowly join on but that's for later

thanks to parker for helping me out with this and giving some tips on the universe :] go! read the rest of the thing! it's awesome!

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