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It starts as a long lost memory. Faded around the edges, misted in the aftermath of their shower. A fantasy almost, sweet words spoken in jest on their wedding day wrapping up in the here and now.
They sway, happy, blissful, almost dancing naked in the shower and Maya finds herself touching Carina in the way she did on the day they got married. Her hands on her hips, foreheads resting together, the touch of soft lips silenced by the way her breath catches.
It sets loose the memory.
Maybe it's the endorphins of sex or the miracle of her wife being back in her arms or the remnants of the leg shaking orgasm's that had them damn near breaking the shower door.
But there's clarity.
Clarity of a moment she's not thought of in a long time.
And later, when Carina's heart is breaking at the memory of Maya’s behavior in this apartment, their home, in their bedroom - the place she should feel safest in the world - when the memories drive her away, when she cries in Maya's arms the way Maya cried in hers on the day were married, the memory comes again.
Head buried in her chest and parallels undeniable, it comes again.
A half giddy, off hand conversation they'd shared before she lost her job, wrapped in each other on the dance floor and planning a future haphazardly drunk on love.
It lingers when the chat with friends, lingers at the station. Lingers in her peripheral until it's undeniable.
So, days later, a plan forms.
It's risky and scary and not slow. But it feels worth the risk. Everything with Carina - for Carina - feels worth the risk.
But now she's here, and today's the day and breathing should be a thing she remembers how to do now but oohh - Maya's excited and terrified and trying to listen to her gut telling her it could be a good idea.
Her heart pounds nonetheless.
Maya grips the steering wheel, knuckles white when she slows the car, sees her wife's smiling face at the exit of the hospital.
She swallows hard, wants to slap her past self for ever putting this in danger. She wants to rush the next year of getting them where she hopes they could be, wants to be in the middle of rebuilding and right here, right now, ready to watch Carina climb into her car and be surprised.
She also wants to hide in the backseat just in case this turns out to be a monumental disaster.
Carina opens the doors and hops in, landing heavily in the seat. “I am exhausted," she croaks, taking the coffee cup Maya offers gratefully and sipping at it.
“More babies?”
Carina chuckles, “A lot more babies. A lot more mamas, two surgeries.” Her eyes close. “I would like to sleep for a week.”
“Well, I definitely have space to incorporate nap-time but-”
One eye pops open and Carina pouts, “But?”
“It will have to wait a little while. We're going on a trip.”
Carina barely registers what Maya says, frowning instead, and while her confusion is endearing but her exhaustion is not. The yawn that follows has Maya smiling but pressing on, starting the engine, “Okay, so a small detour before I pour you into the bed of your choice.”
“Yours obviously.”
Maya smirks at the tease, pleased that it's obvious again she wants to be in her bed. “I'll rephrase, pour you into a bed next to me at the destination of your choosing.”
“Wait.” Carina turns in her seat, frowning. “Detour?”
“All will be explained.”
XxxxX
The drive isn't far but it feels like an eternity. The side glances Maya keeps throwing at Carina aren't going unnoticed but her wife remains stoic in her silence.
When they turn a specific corner, when their destination is less than a road away, Maya can't stop herself. “I know the apartment isn't -” she swallows, “I know it doesn't feel safe and it doesn't feel like home now. After everything I did, how I behaved. I heard you when you told me that.”
“Maya-?” Maya's hand on Carina's leg and the soft expression on her face drive off any other words Carina may have formulated.
They pull over, turn off the engine and Maya smiles, hoping the squeeze of her hand is reassuring. “I know and I understand. And Carina you - we - deserve a place that feels like that. Like a home. I'm sorry I took that from us but I think I know a way I can give it back.”
Maya takes a deep breath, “I remembered something you said on our wedding day.”
Carina's eyes are wide and soft and getting through this to the next part is going to be ridiculously hard if she keeps staring at her like that.
“Okaaay. “
Maya holds her breath until Carina sees the ‘For Sale’ sign. Sees the house beyond it and the possibility Maya is offering.
“Come with me.” Maya asks, hopping out and circling the car. She opens the door and holds out her hand, willing to wait as long as Carina needs. “Please?
XxxxX
It's a beautiful house, there's no denying it. Carina’s eyes wind up a path dotted with flowers to a little porch, large enough for a swing. There’s a garage to the side and a woman attached to her arm vibrating with nervous energy that seems to be catching.
“Maya?” Carina half laughs her name, finds herself being pulled behind her wife as they enter the property with keys she never noticed until now pulled from, and slipped back into, Maya's coat pocket.
“Just for today.” Maya states, as if reading Carina’s mind. “I borrowed them. They go back tomorrow unless-”
“Unless?”
“Unless you don't want them to.” Maya shrugs and pulls Carina with her to a door at the side of the garage.
“So, there's not a ton of space but there's enough for both cars and a small home gym.” Maya drops her hand and circles, points to the wall at the back. “I could add some ropes-” she points “-put in a treadmill.”
Their eyes catch and Maya barrels, “For work but I'll barely be on it because this door leads to the kitchen -”
A hand tugs her and they're off again, stepping through the door into the house and-
“Wow!”
Carina’s exclamation stops Maya in her tracks, she turns and smiles but Carina's eyes are wide, her mouth open a little as she drinks in the room.
It’s bathed in sunlight. The room glimmers with it and she could be standing in her mothers kitchen in Italy. It's warm, airy, painted in soft grays and muted fawns. And it smells like fresh bread.
“Wow.” Carina says again, walking to the country style porcelain sink and running her fingers along the edge.
The windows are enormous, natural light floods the space and offers a fantastic view of what looks like a huge yard beyond. A yard built for a family.
The stove and counter tops are bigger than the station, she could easily host thirty people in this room alone. There’s space to roll pasta, hang meat, there’s a pantry to one side that she couldn't stock fully to her satisfaction even with three trips back to Italy.
Maya’s voice is quieter now, coming from closer than Carina expects “With you in here cooking, all those amazing smells would definitely pull me out of the gym.”
Maya's arms link her waist and they rest together for a moment before she shuffles them beyond the dining area and into another room.
“There's a living area here with a TV and a den through there.” Maya points to an arch that leads to a little room at the back of the house. “It's safe with no external access. I thought it could make a good play room.”
Carina’s eyes dart back and she catches the heat through her wife's cheeks. It reminds her that Maya never faltered when children - plural - were mentioned on their date.
Fingers tug at her hand and Carina smiles, allowing herself to be pulled playfully through the rest of the property.
“There are four bedrooms, the master has its own shower.” Maya smirks, “Bigger than at the apartment and there's more closet space plus-” Maya turns Carina on the spot so she can stare straight out into the garden view beyond the bedroom that could be theirs.
It’s dappled with sunlight. There’s a swing hanging from the branch of a large tree. It's beautiful and perfect and overwhelming.
Maya’s words are soft at the edge of her ear, lips ghosting the sentiment and peppering a kiss as she speaks. “I know you asked for slow, and this isn't. I know we’re not living together right now and I’m okay for it to stay that way until you’re ready. I’m not saying right now or even asking for an answer. It's just an idea.”
Carina turns in her arms and Maya links their hands, smiling as they sway into each other. The way they always do.
Maya whispers the words that follow. “When we were dancing, the day we got married, you said to me ‘now I'm a wife I suppose I'll have to get the big house and the white picket fence’ and it was a joke, a half drunken dream-” Maya breathes out hard, tucks a strand of hair behind Carina’s ear and stares into her glistening eyes, “ - but it doesn't have to be.”
Carina swallows hard, feels the thunder of her heartbeat in her chest as she remembers that night too, the softness of touch, the easy way they joked about being these people. The people who lived in a house with a white picket fence.
“We could build a life here, those kids you mentioned are gonna need space to run around.” Maya laughs, a little nervous but honest. “ But if you hate it that's fine, if it's too soon or it’s not this house that's fine too, but I don't -”
Maya sighs, steps closer and cups Carina's face in her warm hands, tugging until their foreheads touch again. “I don't ever want you to feel unsafe, or unloved, in our home. We can move. Let's move.”
“Maya.”
“If it's here or anywhere else. If it's what you want. What we need.”
Their eyes lock and it's sincerity and serenity. It’s the ease of truth and acknowledgment that it may be a little crazy.
It's wedding nights and married life and mistakes made wrapped up together as they work through it. It's everything Carina was terrified of and everything she's wanted since the day she proposed.
It's a marriage.
Carina smiles, slow, soft. There’s room for a house on the foundation they're building. “Let's do it.”
“Really?” Maya squeals. It's loud and high pitched and half shocked, making Carina laugh through the kiss she wraps her wife in.