Work Text:
[CLICK]
ARCHIVIST
Statement of Colin Leroy, regarding the disembowelment of-
[DOOR OPENS]
SASHA
Knock knock!
ARCHIVIST
O-Oh. Hello Sasha. Can I help you with anything?
SASHA
I think a better question would be-
TIM
-can we help you?
ARCHIVIST
[oh Christ, there’s two of them] Ah. Hello Tim. I suppose whatever this is, it isn’t about work? The work we should all be doing right now?
SASHA
[chastising] Ah ah ah, it’s gone five Jon. We don’t need to be doing anything right now.
ARCHIVIST
Oh. Oh, well, in that case I suppose you two will be going home? You’re usually out the door pretty quickly on a Friday -
TIM
It’s Monday, Jon.
ARCHIVIST
Is it?
SASHA
And we wouldn’t interrupt you from your precious statements just to tell we were leaving. Or, well - we are leaving, but-
TIM
You’re coming with us!
ARCHIVIST
Wh- no, I- I was actually just starting on this statement-
SASHA
The statement will still be there tomorrow, Jon.
TIM
[serious big brother mode] Yeah, I mean, you were stabbed by some weird door monster literally yesterday Jon. Really you shouldn’t be in at all - you should at least have a break now rather than pulling more unpaid overtime.
ARCHIVIST
But-
SASHA
Jonathan.
ARCHIVIST
… fine. Fine, I’ll- go home.
TIM
Do you think we’re stupid, Jon?
SASHA
We all know you ‘going home’ just means ‘working from home’.
TIM
For shame, for shame.
ARCHIVIST
So, so what do you want me to do?
SASHA
Well, we actually had something like a team-building exercise in mind…
ARCHIVIST
I decline.
TIM
Your declination has been declined.
ARCHIVIST
Tim-
TIM
Either you come with us willingly or we get Martin to carry you.
ARCHIVIST
… [resigned to his fate] fine. Where exactly is it we’re going?
SASHA
I-
[there is the unmistakable soft slapping noise of a hand being smacked over a mouth]
TIM
Shhh, don’t ruin the surprise Sash!
SASHA
[giggly] Oops, must’ve forgot!
ARCHIVIST
[soft, but with feeling] Christ.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[SOUNDS OF TRAFFIC AND ENGINE RUMBLING]
TIM
-should be there any minute now.
SASHA
And you’re sure we’re not lost?
TIM
I’ve lived in this city my whole life, Sash. I know it like the back of my-
[SHARP HONKING, TIRE SCREECHING AND MUFFLED SWEARS OF THE PASSENGERS]
TIM
Sorry! Forgot there was a light there…
SASHA
Oh, we are lost. We’re lost before we even get there.
ARCHIVIST
[still slightly shaken] W-what? What does that me- Martin, what does she mean?
MARTIN
I- I honestly don’t know, Jon, they wouldn’t tell me anything either-
SASHA
Yeah, cause you’re a snitch-
TIM
We’re here!
ARCHIVIST
What are you-
Tim.
TIM
Yeah Jon?
ARCHIVIST
Timothy.
TIM
Jonathan.
ARCHIVIST
This is an IKEA.
TIM
Very impressive observational skills, Bossman.
MARTIN
So, so this is it? This is the big surprise?
SASHA
Yep.
ARCHIVIST
I- I-
TIM
So what do you think, Boss?
ARCHIVIST
I…
[sigh]
Suppose it’s better than a club…
SASHA
We know you better than that, Jon.
TIM
Have some faith. Right, [claps hands] let’s get those meatballs!
MARTIN
I-I’m not sure that’s what people really go to IKEA for…
TIM
You’re right Marto.
SASHA
Most people go for the djungleskogs.
ARCHIVIST
Jesus Chri- oh. Uh. Did you take a tape recorder with you, Tim?
TIM
What? No, why would I - oh. Sorry Boss, dunno where it came from. Well, it’s here now. Might as well make an official record of this very official work outing, right?
ARCHIVIST
Wh- no, Tim, that would be a waste of- here, just pass it here-
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
MARTIN
-massive, I can’t believe I’ve never heard of these before-
TIM
I can’t believe you’ve never heard of djungleskogs before either, Marto, I mean, they’re just, just so-
SASHA
So you.
MARTIN
[laughs slightly nervously] Oh, uh, no, I mean, I- I like them! But I’ve never had a… a plush animal before…
SASHA
[scandalised] What?? Not even as a kid??
MARTIN
We- didn’t really have the money-
TIM
But you do now, right?
MARTIN
I-
I guess I do. Yeah, I guess I do.
Jon, are you gonna get that shark?
ARCHIVIST
Hmm? Oh, I- didn’t realise…
SASHA
Oh, Jon, it’s so cute, you have to-
MARTIN
Sorry, I mean, you don’t- I don’t want you to feel like- it is cute.
TIM
[divine inspiration] Yeah, and whenever you’re not feeling up to work, you can just put it behind your desk, and we’ll call it the Head Sharkivist.
SASHA
[surprised laughter] Tim, that’s awful!
ARCHIVIST
[eyeroll] Good Lord…
TIM
What? Got a problem with my genius idea?
ARCHIVIST
To be completely honest, Tim, exposing an innocent shark to our workplace seems frankly unethical.
MARTIN
[choked laughter]
TIM
Well, I suppose you do have a-
Wait…
ARCHIVIST
Tim…
TIM
How long have you been recording, you sneaky bastard?!
ARCHIVIST
W-well, as you said, this is technically a work outing, and, on balance, I thought it prudent to get a record of certain key moments-
SASHA
Key moments? The only thing that’s happened is Martin’s adorable freak out over the bears-
MARTIN
[mortified] S-Sasha!
ARCHIVIST
Look, I’ll just turn it-
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
TIM
This is it. The whole reason we came.
ARCHIVIST
Yes, because people famously go to furniture stores to buy meatballs.
TIM
People famously go to IKEA to buy meatballs, Jon.
SASHA
And I don’t think you can say anything about missing the point of a furniture store when you’re still holding that shark.
ARCHIVIST
That is… besides the point.
MARTIN
Oh, um, how much were they Tim? I’ll send you what I owe you-
TIM
No, this one’s on me.
MARTIN
Honestly, I don’t want you wasting money on me-
ARCHIVIST
He’s not wasting money, Martin, these meatballs are hardly expensive.
TIM
Besides, no sacrifice is too great for IKEA meatballs, and if you’ve never had them, well, it’s my solemn duty not just as your friend but as a member of the human race to initiate you.
MARTIN
Oh- well-
TIM
I’m serious Marto, this is a historical event.
ARCHIVIST
Is that why you put the tape recorder on again?
TIM
[bright as day] Sure is!
MARTIN
Right, ok, only I don’t really want my, um, eating noises on record?
TIM
Ah- sure thing Marto, sure thing-
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ARCHIVIST
Sasha.
SASHA
Yes Jon?
ARCHIVIST
Sasha, it’s been almost twenty minutes.
SASHA
Has it?
ARCHIVIST
You need to get out of the ball pit.
SASHA
Says who?
ARCHIVIST
Says your boss.
SASHA
Ah-ah-ah, we’re not on the clock right now~
ARCHIVIST
[mock desperation] Sasha. Sasha please.
SASHA
Shan’t. Can’t make me.
ARCHIVIST
[deep sigh] Then you leave me no choice.
SASHA
[confusion] Wh-
[SASHA SHRIEKS LOUDLY AS THERE IS THE SUDDEN AND UNMISTAKABLE RATTLING NOISE OF SOMEONE ELSE JUMPING INTO TO BALL PIT]
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
TIM
-so important that you come on more of these team builders Marto, cause then you wouldn’t be so surprised that Jon got us kicked out of IKEA.
MARTIN
I still don’t- I mean- you didn’t actually leap into the ball pit, right Jon??
ARCHIVIST
[gravely] The shark made me do it.
MARTIN
[startled chuckle]
SASHA
Considering how many balls you got everywhere, I actually think it was rather nice of them to still let you buy that shark.
ARCHIVIST
Our bond had been forged in blood and plastic balls. I believe the employees simply recognised that nothing short of death could separate us now.
TIM
You know…
ARCHIVIST
Hmm?
TIM
I missed this Jon. You know, the Jon who leaps into IKEA ball pits and waxes poetic about his shark plushie.
ARCHIVIST
I never left.
TIM
You changed. After you got that promotion. I was worried that I’d lost my friend forever. That you weren’t Jon anymore, just- ‘The Archivist’. It’s nice to see you back again.
ARCHIVIST
It-
It’s nice to be back, Tim.
MARTIN
Guys?
ARCHIVIST
Hmm?
MARTIN
Shouldn’t we have reached the exit by now?
[SILENCE FOR A FEW MOMENTS]
SASHA
Uh- anyone remember which direction we came in?
ARCHIVIST
I, I think we came in from, from that way?
TIM
What? No, no, it was that way.
ARCHIVIST
… shit.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SASHA
We’ve been this way before.
TIM
What? No, we- oh. Oh, yeah, we have.
SASHA
Tim!
TIM
Woah, woah, I’m sorry, alright?
SASHA
No, it’s fine, I’m just as lost as you really, I’m just-
TIM
Worried about the others?
SASHA
Yes.
TIM
They’ll be fine, Sash. They’ve got the power of djungleskog and blahaj on their side.
… oh. I thought Jon had the tape recorder?
SASHA
Wh- oh, uh, don’t know where that came fro-
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
ARCHIVIST
Tim! Sasha! Christ, where are they-
MARTIN
They can’t have gotten far. They’re fine. They’ll be fine.
ARCHIVIST
I know, Martin, I know, it’s just- it’s just last time we were separated-
MARTIN
-they almost got eaten by worms. But there aren’t any worms here, Jon. Just… just loads of aisles.
[brightening] And an employee! Exc-
[STATIC RISES]
ARCHIVIST
[suddenly serious] Don’t.
MARTIN
Wh- Jon, they’re an employee, they’re here to help.
ARCHIVIST
Look at the logo on their uniform.
MARTIN
I- I don’t…
Oh.
Oh.
That’s…
ARCHIVIST
Not good.
MARTIN
So we actually can’t go anywhere without running into- into-
ARCHIVIST
Don’t say it.
MARTIN
Into ‘spooky’-ness?!
Sorry, I know you hate that word. I’m just-
ARCHIVIST
Frustrated. I understand. I feel the same way.
MARTIN
… is it hurting?
ARCHIVIST
I’m sorry?
MARTIN
Your, um, your wound. You keep rubbing it. Do your bandages need changing? I’ve got spares in my coat pocket-
ARCHIVIST
No- no thank you, Martin, it’s-
There’s just something about these aisles that- that reminds me of him.
MARTIN
So-
So you think Michael’s- behind it?
ARCHIVIST
… no. Not exactly. I just…
… I can’t stop thinking about- about what he said-
MARTIN
Oh, Jon…
ARCHIVIST
-and I know he was just trying to get under my skin, but I can’t- it won’t-
MARTIN
[overlapping] Oh, oh, hey, Jon.
It’s alright. I mean- it’s not alright, of course it isn’t, but- we’re here for you. And if Michael, or any other weirdo tries to hurt you again, we’ll protect you. I’ll protect you.
[STATIC RISES]
ARCHIVIST
… thank you, Martin. I know you will.
MARTIN
…cool. Cool, cool.
ARCHIVIST
He said you were lying to me. But- but I know that he was just trying to scare me. I know you’d never hurt me.
MARTIN
Oh. Oh, um…
ARCHIVIST
Martin?
MARTIN
Uh, I…
ARCHIVIST
Martin, what’s-
MARTIN
I lied on my CV!
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know I should’ve told you earlier - I know I shouldn’t have lied in the first place, it’s just, just,
[ARCHIVIST CHUCKLES]
I mean, you already thought I- are you laughing at me?!
ARCHIVIST
[still chuckling softly] Sorry, Martin, I don’t mean to laugh, you just looked so guilty. I thought you were going to tell me you were a, I don’t know, a spider person or something-
MARTIN
A spider-person?! So first I’m a ghost, and then I’m a spider person-
ARCHIVIST
Oh, shut up-
TIM
[DISTANT]
Jon!
ARCHIVIST
Wh- Tim? Tim!
MARTIN
Tim! Sasha! Over here!
SASHA
[voice gradually growing in volume] Jon! Martin! You’re alright!
ARCHIVIST
Yes, yes, we’re fine, are you two alright?
TIM
Had a run-in with one of those creepy employee-things, Sash got us out of though, didn’t you Sash?
SASHA
If by ‘got us out’ you mean ‘hit it repeatedly with a flat packed dresser’, then yes, I did.
TIM
She did. It was hot.
SASHA
Oh, my God, Tim!
ARCHIVIST
Wonderful. Just as long as you’re alright.
MARTIN
So- so what now?
ARCHIVIST
We…
[STATIC RISES]
We wait for the exit to come to us.
TIM
What? Jon, what does that-
ARCHIVIST
This place is, is moving around us. Trying to keep us disorientated. Spiralling. If we stay in one place for long enough, then-
SASHA
I see it! I see the exit!
ARCHIVIST
Now we run!
[FAST-PACED FOOTSTEPS AND LABOURED, DESPERATE BREATHING]
MARTIN
Oh- shit-
ARCHIVIST
Martin- take my hand-
[THE FOOTSTEPS COME TO AN ABRUPT STOP AND THE SOUND OF FOUR BODIES HITTING TARMAC CAN BE HEARD AS AN AUTOMATIC DOOR SLIDES SOFTLY SHUT]
TIM
Holy shit-
ARCHIVIST
We made it.
TIM
Holy shit-
ARCHIVIST
We- we made it. All of us, I didn’t-
I didn’t lose any of you.
MARTIN
You’re gonna have to try harder than that to get rid of us, Jon.
SASHA
[slightly hysterical laughter] Yep! You’re stuck with us, whether you like it or not!
TIM
Guess I’m not choosing the location for our next team building exercise, huh?
ARCHIVIST
No, you are not.
SASHA
But there will be a next time.
ARCHIVIST
… yes. Yes, I suppose I rather enjoyed myself. Aside from the bit at the end.
TIM
‘Least we got the weekend to recover, huh?
ARCHIVIST
It’s Monday, Tim.
TIM
Oh.
Oh, shi-
[CLICK]