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Karamatsu still remembers the weatherman saying that it was going to be clear all day with a chance of rain starting early evening. Atsushi’s weather app said it was supposed to rain at around seven pm, and that it’d be very light showers. So when the two of them agreed to meet up that day and hang out for just about the entire afternoon, neither of them expected the rain to start an hour early and the showers to be anything but light. Karamatsu had pointed out a convenient convenience store and the two decided to use that place as a temporary shelter.
“It wasn’t even raining for five minutes and I’m drenched,” Atsushi laments, moving his now wet bangs out of his eyes. “You’re lucky you had a jacket on, Karamatsu.”
Karamatsu brushes the rain water off his shoulders. “A leather jacket isn’t exactly a great substitute for a raincoat, though.” Hopefully it wasn’t ruined. This was the first leather jacket he ever bought, as well as his favorite.
The cashier is definitely glaring at the two of them (and other customers also walking in, but mainly them both) as they know they’ll have to mop up the water dripping off of them and the dirty footprints their shoes are leaving behind.
“I should’ve brought an umbrella. I’m sorry, Atsushi.” His eyebrows furrow in frustration.
Atsushi reassuringly pats his friend’s shoulder. “Neither of us knew the rain would get this bad. Don’t blame yourself.” Atsushi scans the store until he spots the umbrellas near the front. He picks up two of them. “See, they have umbrellas right here.”
Karamatsu reaches for his back pocket for his wallet. “How much do they cost?”
“Oh, you don’t need to pay, Karamatsu. I don’t mind buying them both.” Atsushi wasn’t the richest man in Japan, but he wasn’t without money to spend. Meanwhile all of Karamatsu’s money was either borrowed from his parents or won at pachinko, and even then it wasn’t much. That was the one thing Karamatsu felt bad about every time they went out, even though Atsushi assured him every time he didn’t mind. Well, Karamatsu did mind.
“You really don’t have to. I can buy my own.” He opens up his wallet to find about a few coins, about ¥500. That was barely enough for two train tickets. His eyes dart towards the stand.
Umbrellas: ¥400
Karamatsu sighs. If he bought an umbrella, then he couldn’t get a train back home. Then Atsuhsi would have to drive him, and that’d just be a waste of gas on him. The wallet finds its way back in his pocket.
Atsushi, noticing Karamatsu’s disappointed expression, puts one of the umbrellas back and says, “How about I buy an umbrella for myself and we can share.”
Karamatsu’s heart begins to skip in his chest. Sharing an umbrella with his crush...
“Brilliant, Atsushi,” Karamatsu says, pointing dramatically. “As usual, you’re a genius!”
Atsushi chuckles. “Just some quick thinking, is all. That word... it was brilliant you said, right?” Karamatsu nods. A small thing the two did while hanging out was expand their English vocabulary, Atsushi more so since he knew less of it. “Well, is there anything else here you want to grab before we go?”
“No, no!” Karamatsu couldn’t possibly have Atsushi spend any more on him. He makes a mental note to go job hunting sometime this week. Any more kindness and Karamatsu might die.
Once Atsushi pays for the umbrella, the two step back outside into the pouring rain. Karamatsu was the one holding the umbrella for them both. Their shoulders were practically touching with how close they were to each other. It was a cold rainy day, but walking side by side with Atsushi like this made Karamatsu feel warm inside.
Karamatsu’s crush wasn’t just a simple one off thing. It was worse than all his past one off and long time crushes combined. His heart had become a nuclear love bomb that just wanted to blow up a confession. He wanted to shout to the rooftop with a megaphone and sing out his love and admiration for this one man. If his love could be transcribed into a song, it would be a full symphony orchestra with him as the conductor. There was not enough storage for his feelings to be contained and he just needed to let them out!
In other words, Karamatsu loved Atsushi. A lot.
The only thing preventing him from confessing was the fear of rejection. Karamatsu had been rejected before plenty of times, either because they found him creepy or they weren’t into men (and if they were, then they wouldn’t be into him). That didn’t stop him in his pursuit of love, though. Karamatsu was a hopeless romantic determined to get a Karamatsu Girl or Boy (Karamatsu Partner?) no matter what. He wanted someone he could go on dates with, who he could fawn over with romantic gestures, someone whom he could hug and kiss and say “I love you” too all the time, but most importantly, he wanted someone who loved him back.
Karamatsu was so deep in his thoughts of romance that he hadn’t even realized where they were walking. It’s not until he looks up and Atsushi’s apartment complex is in sight. He’d been over there once or twice before, but never inside it. He’d just wait outside the building for Atsushi to head down and meet him. Just like he did today, actually.
“This isn’t the station,” Karamatsu notes aloud.
Atsushi realizes this as well. “Oh, no it’s not, I guess I just decided to take the lead and we both ended up here.”
“Well I know where to go from here.” Karamatsu supposed the rain mixed with how long they were out meant that it was time for him to head home. Now he had a second umbrella. Which Atsushi had to pay for.
“Actually, I was thinking maybe you’d want to stay over for a bit longer?” Atsushi’s already got a hand on the door. “The rain’s already bad and there’s a chance it could get worse.”
Karamatsu’s immediate reaction is to say no. He wouldn’t want to take any more of Atsushi’s generosity than he already had. On the other hand, he wanted to know what Atsushi’s place was like. “Oh you’re so kind, Atsushi! I’ll have to take up your offer!”
That gets another chuckle out of Atsushi, which makes Karamatsu’s heart grow even bigger. He could listen to his laugh forever if he could.
Umbrella now closed, the two step in the lobby and then up the elevator. Karamatsu sneaks a side glance at Atsushi, who was currently looking at the floor number go up. His gaze then trails down to his hand. There was a small temptation to reach out and hold on to it. That was something couples did though, and they were just friends. Karamatsu ends up looking away and focusing on the wall. The urge never went away, though.
The doors then open up, and Karamatsu is relieved. Stepping out, Atsushi guides him down the hall. They stop at the door with the plaque number 502. “We’re here,” Atsushi announces as he pulls out his keys.
“There’s a shelf where you can put your shoes,” Atsushi explains when they step in. “Above it is where you can hang your jacket. There’s also an umbrella rack, so don’t worry about that.” Karamatsu nods in understanding. He puts everything where it needs to go then steps up from the genkan.
The two walk inside and are greeted by the main room. “Let me just dry myself off in my room. You can sit on the couch if you want.”
Karamatsu looks over at the couch. It was nice looking. A sectional, Karamatsu believed it was called. It certainly looked more comfortable than the old sofa back at home. “Oh, but I’m still slightly drenched. Wouldn’t want to soil your furniture.”
“Sit on the blanket side, then. I can wash it later.” With that, Atsushi walks off to where Karamatsu can only assume is his room. Karamatsu takes a seat on one side of the couch. As he thought, it was comfortable.
Instinctively, his hand goes to reach for the remote, but then he stops himself. Karamatsu just got here. It’d be rude to act like he already lived there. They were just friends, and if that’s all they ended up being then that’d be fine. He was used to rejection.
He instead takes his time to admire Atsushi’s place. It’s nothing lavish, and very much smaller than Karamatsu’s home, but it felt very roomy. Atsushi knew how to keep himself organized. The kitchen was just a ways behind the couch. He wondered if maybe Atsushi kept any drinks in the fridge- no! This wasn’t his place. Karamatsu was just a guest.
Eventually, Karamatsu hears footsteps approaching. He turns his head to see Atsushi re-enter the room. He’s wearing a different outfit, but it’s identical to the one he had on before (minus the suit jacket). His hair had also been dried and brushed. Karamatsu feels his cheeks heat up.
“Hey, if you want to turn on the TV then you can,” says Atsushi as he heads to the kitchen. “Feel free to make yourself comfortable.”
“O-Oh!” Karamatsu stammers a bit. Well if Atsushi was giving the offer, then he couldn’t refuse. He fumbles a bit while grabbing for the remote. “I just wasn’t sure if that was okay. You never know what your guests are and aren’t okay with.”
He hears Atsushi chuckle. “You’re so considerate, Karamatsu. As long as you don’t destroy or steal anything, I’m okay with whatever.”
Karamatsu turns on the TV and begins shifting through channels until he finds something that catches his attention. When Atsushi comes back, he’s carrying a glass of red wine and a beer, handing the ladder off to Karamatsu as he sits.
“So what is this?” Atsushi asks.
Karamatsu shrugs, opening up the can. It thankfully doesn’t fizz over. “Not sure. This might be the beginning or the end. It intrigued me.” He takes a sip of the beer. Not bad. “Surprised you even drink this stuff.”
“I don’t. I bought them in case I ever invited you over, since I know you’re not big on wine.” Maybe it’s Karamatsu’s imagination, but he’s pretty sure Atsushi just winked at him. A part of Karamatsu felt guilty that Atsushi spent something for him that he’d only ever get to drink. It wasn’t like he’d be at his apartment again anytime soon.
“Thank you Atsushi! You said earlier how I was the considerate one, but I believe that title properly belongs to you!” Hopefully he wasn’t overexerting the cool guy persona. Atsushi was the only person who didn’t mind that side of him, not even finding it cringy when they first met.
The two men sit on the couch with their respective drinks as they watch the movie. Turns out Karamatsu had chosen a romantic tragedy, about a couple who dropped out of high school to get married only to find themselves unhappy with their current lives years later. It was quite an emotional movie, so much so that Atsushi had grabbed the tissue box for Karamatsu. The man was a mess of tears.
“They just want to recapture the moment when they first fell in love,” Karamatsu cries.
“Were they ever in love, though?” Atsushi asks. “Maybe they just thought they loved each other because they both came from similarly strict living situations.” The sound of Karamatsu blowing into the tissue startles Atsushi a bit. “Maybe we should watch something else? This movie is kind of a bummer.”
Karamatsu just nods. “Y-Yeah...” He dabs a fresh tissue under his eyes to dry away the tears. “Sorry you had to see me like this.”
“You don’t need to apologize, Karamatsu. Let me just find something different.” Atsushi reaches over to the coffee table and grabs the remote.
“What should I do about the tissues?” Karamatsu asks. The tissues in question are just sitting on the same table in front of him in a pile.
“I’ll throw them out later, you don’t need to worry about them.” But he did, as much as Atsushi assured him that he didn’t have to. It only takes a few channel changes for them to find something more light hearted.
As Karamatsu looks at Atsushi to ask what he thinks, he then notices that the other man is actually sitting closer to him than he was before. In fact, he was now sitting right next to him. Their shoulders were almost touching, he was that close. He could see Atsushi’s face, fully engrossed in the movie, a satisfied smile on his face. Karamatsu could look at that face forever and not get bored.
The urge he had in the elevator only got stronger and stronger. He wanted to wrap Atsushi’s hand around his own so badly. He looks down to his side, where Atsushi’s barren hand would be...
Only to find their fingers already intertwined.
It shocks Karamatsu so badly that he jumps back a bit, pulling his hand away as if it had burned him. He’s sure his entire face is red.
“Karamatsu, what’s wrong?” Atsushi asks, concerned.
“Y-Y-Your hand!” Karamatsu stutters.
Confused, Atsushi looks down at his hand. The hand that was holding his not that many seconds ago. “Is there something wrong with it?”
“You were holding my hand!”
It doesn’t seem to register with Atsushi what was wrong with that until his eyes widen a bit. “Oh, I’m sorry! Should I have asked first?”
Asked? Karamatsu lowers his arm back to his side. “What do you mean you should’ve asked? I was the one who held your hand because of my urges. It must’ve intertwined with yours by instinct.” He bows his head. “I’m sorry, Atsushi, for taking advantage of your kindness!”
When he looks back at the other man, he still looks confused. “What do you mean, Karamatsu? You haven’t taken advantage of me in any way.”
“Yes I have! Our usual hangouts, the umbrella, me being in your apartment, and now this!” Karamatsu vaguely gestures towards both of them.
“I don’t understand.”
“You're so kind to me, Atsushi! You pay for our meals whenever we eat, you offer me a ride when I can’t afford a train ticket, and even today you paid for the umbrella. You offer me so much kindness in a way that I can’t pay you back for, and in doing so I have taken advantage of said kindnesses.” Karamatsu felt ashamed. He doesn’t deserve to be even hanging out with someone as great as Atsushi. He thought he was all cried out when they watched the movie, but now tears were threatening to fall once again.
“No, don’t cry,” Atsushi says worryingly. “I promise you, Karamatsu, you were in no way taking advantage of my kindness. I bought those things for you because I wanted to, not because you made me.” He pulls out another tissue from the box and hands it to the other. When Karamatsu doesn’t reach out to take it, Atsushi decides to cradle Karamatsu’s face in one hand and dry his tears with the other. Karamatsu’s mind screams at him to pull away, to get Atsushi’s hands off of him. He doesn’t, though, and allows it to happen.
“You know, I was the one who held your hand first,” Atsushi clarifies.
Now Karamatsu’s confused. “What... why?”
Atsushi smiles in amusement. “Isn’t it obvious? It’s because I like you.”
“Yeah, but...” Karamatsu pauses. “I like you too, Atsushi, but hand holding feels like something you do with your partner. Not your friend.”
Atsushi’s hands pull away as he starts laughing. That only confuses Karamatsu even more.
“No, I don’t think you understand.” Atsushi throws the tissue away on the coffee table. It bounces off the side and lands on the floor. “I don’t just like you. I like like you. More than just as a friend.”
Karamatsu’s breath catches in his throat as he stares at Atsushi in shock. No way... Atsushi loved him? “Did I somehow trick you into loving me? If this is a joke, then it’s not funny.”
Another chuckle. “Karamatsu, it’s not a trick. I promise you, these are my own feelings.” It didn’t assure him, though. He wanted to believe so badly that Atsushi loved him, but the feeling of somehow tricking him as well as past rejection told him otherwise. No one loved Karamatsu Matsuno. He looks away from the other in sorrow.
Atsushi’s smile turns into a frown when he realizes Karamatsu’s not convinced. He grabs the remote and turns off the TV. The two continue to sit side by side, not looking at each other.
“If I can be honest about something,” says Atsushi. “I was actually worried I was taking advantage of you.”
Karamatsu braves a look over at the other man. “Huh?”
Atsushi’s hands clasp together in his lap, his index fingers occasionally rubbing against each other. “These past few months have been some of the best. I enjoy spending time with you, Karamatsu. So much so I would forget we weren’t actually dating.”
Karamatsu’s eyes grow wide at the info. “Wait, you thought we were actually together?”
Atsushi smiles sadly. “Not exactly. I knew we weren’t, it just felt like we were already a couple. I wanted to hold your hand and buy you gifts, like couples would. But I’d always restrain myself to just offering you a ride home, or things that you might need like the umbrella.
“The whole time we were walking in the rain, side by side, I was worried I was making you uncomfortable. That you didn’t like me that way. You’re one of the best people I’ve met, Karamatsu. You’re so kind, considerate, way more knowledgeable than me, and I love listening to your voice. Your fashion and phrasing can be silly sounding sometimes, but that’s just what makes you so charming! I’ve never met anyone like you, and I want that in my life. I was afraid though that I’d overwhelm you and then you’d leave. I’m sorry, Karamatsu.”
To say that Karamatsu was speechless was an understatement. Quickly though, he finds his voice and says, “You don’t need to apologize. I believe you.”
Atsushi looks at him, their eyes meeting. “You do?”
Karamatsu nods. “You’re not the only one who likes me more than a friend... Wait, I mean, likes you more than me, more than... agh!” He smacks a knuckle against his forehead. It was all going so well.
“It’s okay,” Atsushi reassures. “Take your time.” He places a hand on Karamatsu’s shoulder.
Karamatsu stares at the hand for a bit, before taking a deep breath and trying again. “I like you, too,” he admits. “A lot. You’re just such a brilliant man. You’re the kind one here, not me. You manage to keep a level head and are good at planning. I’ve fallen for many a person before, both overtime and at first sight, but never has my love been so passionate and intense like it has for you. I cannot explain it any better than... it’s just love! I love you, Atsushi!
“I did not think my feelings would be reciprocated, though. I’ve never dated anyone before, but I do know how it feels to have your heart broken by rejection. Most people don’t like me because I’m too...” Painful. “Intense. But you didn’t seem to mind me. You were the first person to like my ‘intenseful’-ness. You didn’t mind me, and even considered me a friend. Even if you didn’t love me back, I didn’t want to lose your friendship.”
He had done it. Karamatsu had laid his heart out for Atsushi out to see, as if he were a surgeon performing an operation on the “intense”-ful man. He looks into Atsushi’s eyes, waiting to see any look of disgust in them.
That look never showed up. Instead, Atsushi looked at Karamatsu back with a look full of warmth and love. “Well I can assure you, my feelings are mutual.” The other’s hand finds its way back into his. “Am I allowed to hold your hand?”
This time, Karamatsu doesn’t pull away. “Of course.”
Hands still intertwined, Karamatsu shifts himself so that their shoulders are touching.
“So... you’re my boyfriend?” Karamatsu asks.
“Yes,” Atsushi answers. “And you’re my boyfriend as well.”
Karamatsu lets out a small sigh of relief. “You’re my boyfriend.” It’s not a question this time, more a reassurance. To make sure he knew that this was actually happening. “I’ve wanted to hold your hand for a while now, actually.”
“Same.” Atsushi’s other hand wraps around Karamatsu in a hug, pulling him in just a bit closer. The two sit there together, just taking in each other’s company. The only sounds that could be heard were their breaths and the pouring rain outside.
“It’s probably getting late,” Atsushi notes. “If you still want to go home, I can drive you back.”
Karamatsu thinks about it. His boyfriend─ he still wasn’t used to calling Atsushi that, and it had only been a few minutes─ had assured him he wasn’t taking advantage of him. Though he was worried his next question would test that, he still wanted to ask him.
“I’m not sure I want to go home. At least not right now. Do you mind if I stay over for the night?”
Atsushi smiles. “Of course you can.”