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Meet Me At Midnight
It was just a few minutes past eleven at night and Lily Evans was at a complete loss what to do. She had just paced up and down the seventh-year girl’s dormitory for what could be the fiftieth or the hundredth time, her roommates thankfully were fast asleep. She, however, could not go to bed, even if that would be the smart thing to do. The decent thing to do! But she could not fall asleep, not when she was this restless, so she kept pacing while checking her watch, unsure what to do.
This afternoon she’d found a note. Just a scrap of parchment. It had been on the floor of one of the many, many corridors of Hogwarts. And for some reason, she, of all students that walked down that exact corridor, had picked it up.
Because she was a neat freak and didn’t like littering, or because she was an idiot, or because of no real reason at all. But whatever it was that had made her pick it up, it was now established that fate was a cruel, cruel thing, because once she had picked up the offending scrap of parchment and unfolded it, her eyes had taken in the most painful words imaginable.
Hello love,
I love you so, love.
Meet me at midnight…
The handwriting was what made it painful because she immediately recognised it. She’d received long letters over the summer in that exact same hand. She’d stood as if glued to the ground. Students bumped into her and looked at her strangely, but then the boy (well, more like the man) who’d written these lines came sauntering up to her, and only then did it hit her what the words actually said. She panicked and quickly vanished the note with one angry flick of her wrist before she could read anymore.
“Alright, Evans?” James Potter asked, looking at her with genuine concern, but of course not more concern than what one has for a good friend, who suddenly seemed to have forgotten how to walk from one class to the next.
Eleven treacherous words reevaluated everything she’d built up in her own head these past months.
She was delusional in thinking he had been trying to find a way to finally ask her to Hogsmeade. He obviously hadn’t choked, like she’d thought, he had been working up courage to ask someone else entirely.
She had to stop imagining she’d caught him staring at her like it meant something, even if she was positive he had been doing so during both their boring classes and the ones he actually paid attention to. Even when he winked at her whenever she caught him, or he her, it was just a joke.
She must have misinterpreted his hugs of comfort when a letter from home inevitably made her sad, he hadn’t held on because he didn’t want to let her go, he probably thought she needed it. Because he was a good friend.
She felt as if she had suddenly been turned upside down, and the rest of the world was still in its normal orientation. It was a bit nauseating. Miraculously, she had managed to remember how to walk and gotten through the day.
But now, alone in her dormitory, she cursed her stupidity to confuse his friendship for something else. She needed to be over him, as soon as she possibly could, preferably yesterday. And she hated herself for being this curious, clearly she was a masochist.
It wasn’t her place, it wasn’t for her to go chasing who this note was addressed to. Who he called love, who he wanted to meet, at midnight, no less.
She had no right to spy, but she just couldn’t help herself. Because somewhere along the line of becoming James Potter’s friend she’d fallen a whole lot farther than that. She’d jumped out of friendship zone and fallen deep into crush country.
Why did her stupid treacherous brain and heart have to think he had felt something similar? She was alone in this. Unrequited. He was in love too, just not with her.
She should not go out, she should not go to see where this meeting between two lovers would take place, she shouldn’t. That was not what friends did. Friends did not spy on their friends. But her feet still went out the door, down the stairs, through the Common Room and ended up at the other side of the portrait. There, she disappeared in an inconspicuous shadow, a good place to stand and wait unnoticed.
Just when she thought tonight would not be the night of his secret rendez-vous, the portrait hole swung open and the lean form of none other than her co-Head walked out.
She shouldn’t recognise him this easily. But she hardly needed to see more than his silhouette these days to know it was him, it was truly pathetic. It was without a doubt the result of her endless staring over the past months. She’d taken an interest in watching Quidditch training, because that was by far the best opportunity to just watch him without everybody noticing her insatiable thirst for watching James Potter’s every move. Now that he made Head Boy she could admire the effortless way he made prefects do what he wanted them to, always with a joke and charm. All this staring resulted in her knowing exactly who had just stalked out into the darkness. Again, it was pathetic. She was pathetic. For a moment she hesitated. But then she remembered what she had read and she wanted to know. It would hurt, immensely, but if she just saw who he had fallen in love with, she had a chance to move on. Get over him. She had to see it with her own eyes.
His long strides had already brought him to the end of the corridor and she had to rush to keep him in sight. A wordless charm on her feet made sure they wouldn’t warn him of her following him.
She still had to duck out of sight once in a while when he would suddenly stop in his tracks and look over his shoulder. She wondered where he was going, if she could just figure that out, she wouldn’t have to chase him like this.
By the time she realised he was headed towards the Astronomy tower, she sighed in defeat, there was no way she could follow him up there. So unless ‘mystery girl’ would arrive later and not see her hanging about she didn’t really stand a chance. She might as well just stop this insane act and go back to bed.
Instead of returning to Gryffindor Tower she walked a little down the hall to a bare wall and sat down on the floor, next to a suit of armour. She looked at the silver calves and knee covers for the better part of ten minutes. They were very well made, the ridges and joints cleverly and artfully crafted by some skilled magician, centuries ago. She kept watching the fusions of the metal until she hardly saw anything through the blurriness in her eyes.
“Evans? What are you doing down there?” his voice surprised her and she let out a sharp gasp. “Are you crying?” The clear concern in his voice sent another shock through her body. She looked up immediately and felt so bad. She’d ruined his night and he was still worried about her.
“Fine, I’m fine,” she muttered.
He looked at her and then around them before he sat down next to her, stretching his long legs leisurely out in front of them.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
“Couldn’t sleep, what are you doing down here?” she asked, surprised he wasn't still up in the Tower. Had she been here that long?
“Same thing. Why are you crying?”
“It’s just stupid, it’s nothing, really.”
She could feel him turn to look at her closer. “Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?”
“I’m not really crying, you know.”
He let out a chuckle and asked, “Oh, what’s this called then?”
She ignored the question and started “Look, James, you can’t stay here with me, I know you are on your way to …” but then she realised that she couldn’t tell him she knew where he was going unless she admitted that she had read his note. The note that was meant for someone else. Because then he would know what a horrible person she was for coming here tonight.
James said nothing but just sat and watched her. He didn’t seem in a hurry, not like he was about to meet the love of his life and had run into this crazy girl that was ruining his night of ardent passion.
“I’m not going to leave you here, Lily,” he finally said, because of course he was a bloody Gryffindor, loyal and obstinate. Damn him.
“It’s alright, I know you were on your way to …”
He waited patiently for her to go on, playing his fingers across the stone as if the floor was a piano.
She really needed to make a start with forgetting about this boy, for her own sanity. So, she would just have to tell him, and make him leave her. “I found your note,” she blurted out.
She couldn't look at him and see his face as he realised what an absolutely horrible person she was, so she continued while she stared at her knees, “I shouldn’t have read it, I didn’t, well not all of it, just that you would meet at midnight. I swear, I didn’t even know what night or where, but I just… I just had to know who you were meeting. So I followed you. I figured if I just knew it would be easier. I’m so sorry. I’ll just go now. I never meant to ruin this for you.”
It was silent. Long, long beats of silence ticked away. This boy, who filled up every single second of silence, however inappropriate, with some sort of sound, was sitting next to her in absolute silence. In fact, she’d never not heard him say words, or sing a silly song, whistle or that annoying beatboxing lately, even when he studied he’d repetitively rap his fingers, tap his feet, shuffle his shoes, bounce a leg, or scratch his head when something proved more challenging. Why did she even know all this? Because she was an idiot.
But right now he was completely silent.
Which was strange. So strange that she looked beside her to see if he was still there. Even if she could still feel his warmth next to her.
His hazel eyes were wide and stared at her, his mouth hung a little open, as if he had in fact, been about to make some sort of sound, but had forgotten what his plan was. She wiped her eyes and straightened her back. She should make this right.
“Look, I’m stupid alright, I know. This was very wrong, and I should have just asked, or not because I have no right. I just… it’s just that…” she sighed, he was still just staring at her.
She had to make this right because if she didn’t how on earth were they ever going to be able to function as Head Students; she should clear the air.
“Here’s the thing, I like you James, I know it’s dumb and I promise I can be mature about it.” She frowned because this night she’d not acted very mature about anything, not even close.
“Even if sneaking out and following you in the middle of the night is not the best example. I promise it won’t happen again. I will move on. I will. Move. On. I swear, this doesn’t have to make things weird, we can just be as we were. At least I hope you still want to,” she was babbling now, it was painfully obvious that she was. But seriously, he had never, NEVER, been this quiet around her. It threw her more than that stupid piece of paper had.
“You like me?” he asked, almost as if he was tasting the words in his mouth.
The relief she felt at hearing him make a sound, fucking finally, made hearing his actual words a minor detail. Something irrelevant. Non-important.
“You, Lily Evans, you like me?” Now her brain was almost there, catching up and yes she had said that she liked him. Because she did, really who in their right mind didn’t? Well, apart from some very obvious exceptions. But he must know that almost everybody in this bloody castle liked him. So why did he seem so surprised at her words?
He turned and suddenly his hands were holding her face, and she could almost feel his breath on her lips. His eyes were piercing right through her, it was a bit unnerving how close he was, all of a sudden. She tried to focus on the metal frame of his glasses to distract herself from the burning hazel fires.
“Lily, I’m not meeting anyone tonight.”
“Oh,” that wasn’t what she had expected him to say. At all.
He must have heard the confusion in her voice because he shook his head and said “I did write a note, but I never sent it. I wrote that because I wanted to meet," he hesitated for the shortest bit before he went on, "at the Astronomy Tower at midnight but I kept the note. It must have fallen out of my bag, somehow. I didn’t dare send it at the last minute. So tonight, because I’m an idiot, I did go out here, as if I had sent it; as if there was a chance I’d meet her. Pathetic, isn’t it?”
“Oh.” Oh
“So imagine my surprise to see the person I’d hoped to meet sitting right here.” Her ears were definitely hearing the words, but she didn’t think she knew what they meant, because this couldn’t be right, WHAT?
“Just to be completely clear, you’re here so you could get over me, because you like me?” He still held her and she had a hard time watching the frame of his glasses and not absolutely melt in the fire that burned in his eyes.
“I have to know Lily, do you like me as a friend? Or,” his Adam’s apple bobbed as if he was nervous, “maybe as more than a friend?”
She was properly staring now, he had written the note to her, he had written those words to her, she was that word, he called her love. She bit her lip as her brows furrowed because it was all a bit complicated.
Or not.
Because then the full extent of his words trickled down her brain to the place where decisions were made.
“Much, much more, love,” she whispered, as she leaned forward and kissed him, just at the first stroke of midnight.