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Martyn was still trying to figure out how to act after murdering his king. He figured at least offering to help clean his new neck wound would be a start.
And so as the clouds rolled in above to greet them with a thunderstorm in the early hours of nighttime, Martyn led the way back into their house with stiffened shoulders with his guest trudging behind him. Martyn could hear the raspy breathing and the weighted steps, usually familiar but now tugging closer to the ground with more drag to them as the subject did his best to return to his normal respiration. The walls of Dogwarts loomed around them, Martyn swearing he could feel the judgemental stares of eyes on him for his crime within the stone bricks fastening the bindings. He saw a shadow high above decorated in protective rain gear, unable to identify who it was specifically but feeling a small prickle of pity for their watch occurring during the storm.
Still, however, Martyn considered the lonely guard lucky as he shoved the door open and casted his eyes low so he didn’t have to see the large form of his king shuffling in, his breaths a bit heavier due to the injury inflicted and seeing a ghost of blood trickles run down his neck. Martyn shut the door behind him, still dodging away from the king while taking off the first layer he had on that was soaked. He flinched when Ren shook himself out, splattering water droplets all around the house and making them tap gently against the wooden beams.
Wolf behavior, Martyn justified to himself, frowning slightly but feeling his heart twist when Ren gave him a bashful grin, the fluffy tail flicking behind him.
“Sorry, me Hand,” Ren rumbled, ducking his head with another crooked smile as he reached up to remove the long cape tattered behind him and level it in his hands. “Instinct kicked in; when thy ancestors call, thou shalt shake.”
Martyn couldn’t suppress a small snort from his joke, but instantly fell silent as he reached out his hands for the looming cape of his king expectantly. Ren shook his head, drawing it back and giving Martyn another smile and a nod before walking deeper into his chambers.
“I can deal with my cape, lad,” Ren murmured, his tail flicking towards the kitchen with a smile that was barely evident within the faint lighting around them. “Just prepare what you must for the soothing of my bloodied bearing.”
Martyn drew his hand back, another small ache twitching around in his chest before he nodded wordlessly, shifting away towards his smaller corner of the house beyond the kitchen. The air was thickened with their heavy silence, Martyn only hearing the faint clicking from Ren’s room as he hung up his own melting clothes while slipping out of the remaining ones, quickly changing into a set that was much warmer and much more dry. A cream t-shirt and gray pants were his new outfit, and he stepped back out into the kitchen with a tight jaw as he did his best to reign his thoughts in from where they had been hushed, uncertain of where to go first. The few flickers of candlelight guided his eyes around, squinting to see the labels around him.
Lapis exudate has healing properties, His mind snapped to first, fixing his mind firmly on the task at hand. Martyn’s body worked on autopilot, snagging the smaller pieces of lapis hidden away in the shelves to start scraping it into a small bowl. While he began the process of meshing the mineral up, the few last lights of candlelight died off as his eyes flicked around again to scan the wooden boards. I’m sure we’ve got healing pots around here as well, but this’ll help the actual healing process as well. More natural than just the potions.
He continued meshing up the lapis and pouring in the mixture of a potion he found stowed away nearby, his hands pressing down firmly into the stone to mix it, but a sigh distracted him as he turned back towards the quarters of the king. His heart jerked around again, stalling his actions as he saw Ren sitting down with a hefted hand rubbing his neck, a small wince on his face as he crouched over himself. He was in a new pair of clothes too, casual black dye staining the wool of his shirt and pants and making Martyn’s eyes do a double-take for a moment to register what almost appeared to be someone entirely new.
He looks so… Normal. A twinge of nostalgia and aches poured through him again, feeling his hands twitch with the misstepped heartbeat. He doesn’t look like a king that’s been brutalized by this world. He doesn’t look like the king that’s terrorized most everyone around him. He looks like… Ren.
It would probably feel that way had I not just beheaded him.
The whiplash of a reminder smacked him over again, almost losing his footing as his hip thumped against the countertop. Ren’s ears flicked up immediately, his head following just a moment after with his sharp blue eyes flashing with concern. Martyn rightened himself in a hurry of motion despite the protesting ache of pain that shot through him, turning away just as he saw the small crease of a tired smile etch onto Ren’s face. Martyn gave himself mercy missing out on in; he knew the thickening tension and the way his heart couldn’t seem to follow its normal circadia would wrench him up for good.
How does one even talk to their leader after completing such a harrowing task? Martyn wondered to the world above, as well as to himself through the darkened clouds of guilt that had started brewing as fast as the storm layer outside. There was a clap of thunder to accompany his thoughts, crackling through the sky while the smell of rain wafted through the small cracks within the walls and making him wince. Martyn gripped the bowl below him tighter, gritting his teeth and basking in the darkness the extinguished candles left him in. How does one just move on from what’s occurred like it hasn’t just changed everything?
How do you talk to the person you care about the most that you just saw die in front of you by your own hand?
“Hand?” Ren called out, his usual jovial tone now trilling with mild concern again and making Martyn jump, luckily hiding his startelement in the dark. “You alright in there, lass?”
“Yeah,” Martyn responded offhandedly, automatically filling in his dismissal as he finally churned up the rest of the salve and grabbed a cloth nearby, squeezing it tightly in his hand before slipping the bowl into his arm, forcing his steps to not drag as he worked his way across the shadowed hallway before finally looping around the corner into Ren’s room.
It wasn’t plastered with much, a red bed that Ren sat on top of with a red carpet and the Dogwarts banner dangling on the walls in its crimson glory. Everything was streaked by the orange glow of a lantern settled on a desk space next to the bed, the windows outside dark with only hints of grays and blues from a streak of distant lightning glowing Ren’s tired smile once more before disappearing and leaving the soft warmth of the lantern behind.
Ren was sitting up a bit taller now as Martyn slowly inched his way in, hands folded into his lap and watching Martyn attentively as the man kept his eyes low still, putting the bowl on the desk side while he sat himself down on the bed beside Ren with their arms grazing briefly. The close proximity was enough for a heated dizzy spell to wrack Martyn’s head around, spinning things briefly before he blinked rapidly to focus back on Ren’s tentative smile.
“What magical cure have you got for me?” Ren questioned him in an attempt to keep the tension down when Martyn leaned back to grab the bowl, nestling it into his lap and scrunching the cloth up in his hands as he swirled it around for a moment. Ren peered down at it as well, his glowing blue eyes matching the color of the liquid with hints of periwinkle winking around in his eyes as they shone with curiosity. “This looks like a blessed elixir from the gods themselves.”
Martyn studied Ren’s face for a moment, studying the thick curly brown strands of hair dangling over his shoulders before keeping his eyes low again, face burning as he leveled his voice evenly, “Mixture of lapis residue and health potion base. It’ll help more of the natural healing process and regain some skin turgor and shine while it heals.”
With his face continuing to carry its own warmth, Martyn kept his eyes down as he added quietly, “You’re going to need to remove your shirt for me to reach the wound.”
Even though he kept his eyes low, Martyn caught the hint of the smirk on the leader’s face as Ren teased with a flick of his tail, “My, you mustn’t have any humility for favoritism, have you? How straightforward.”
Martyn’s face seared more, not entertaining him with a response as the corners of his eyes caught Ren’s hands skimming down towards his shirt to grip it and start tugging it off, stretching up while Martyn did his best to focus on dipping the cloth into the liquid instead. More of his throat was seized up as he snuck a look up to see the barren chest littered in many different cuts and scars, hair and fur lining his skin to hide nearly every superficial wound underneath besides a longer cut running down along his core and along his chest. Ren combed away the thick waves of hair by his face, his small scratches across his face paired with a lingering smile and glistening eyes.
“Bask in your King, your muse,” Ren mused again, his eyes still shining with the same teasing glint they always seemed to have. He rolled his shoulders back, an elongated canine glinting through his lips in the grin. “A worthy form to bathe in. Feast.”
But Martyn’s chest was still seizing, his throat closing off as he only let out a small mumble in response and nudged Ren’s shoulder to turn him around to expose his back. Ren obeyed willingly, combing his hair away as best as he could to show his barren neck towards Martyn with his head craned down slightly. Martyn was able to pick out the wound immediately, a raw and red jagged mark hashed right above where his neck melded down into his shoulder line. There were still faint smears of blood evident on his skin, but the process of healing from the lethal blow had begun and left a raggedy and darkened appearance instead of the usual bolstering bright red lacerations.
Even though he was accustomed to war and wounds from times before, the sight of the neck laceration curled Martyn’s insides and soured whatever remained in his stomach. His fingers were trembling as he squeezed excess liquid from the cloth into the bowl and leaned forward, hesitating before his fingers finally swept away the tendrils of hair in the way, feeling the smaller fibers twine around his fingers as he gently pressed the cloth to the wound.
Ren let out a soft hiss through his teeth, the muscles underneath Martyn’s touch shifting as he tensed up, but he let out a long sigh as he slowly deflated and relaxed again when Martyn soothed his brushes and the warm liquid melted into his skin. Martyn felt the rumble within Ren’s chest, keeping his eyes fixed on the task at hand as Ren murmured, “A stinging greeting met with bliss’ touch. Thank you, Hand.”
Martyn kept silent, not trusting himself to speak as he focused his gaze on the trickles of blood vanishing underneath his sweeping. Ren seemed to sense Martyn’s unease and fell quiet, letting the beginning patters of rain thumping on the roof guide them into the tense silence Martyn still felt raking his shoulders.
He was doing his best to keep his composure, but his eyes continued to stray towards the hashed marking on Ren’s skin and down to his own hands and arms still dusted with blood from the event. It was playing like a silent film in his head, all of the agonized screaming and declarations muted through an agape maw. Martyn had to grit on his teeth again to gear himself down, the grooves of his teeth’s crowns knowing only wear and unsteadiness.
He can't expect me to just go on like nothing happened, Martyn beseeched after working for a moment, flinching when his hand slipped down along Ren’s back below his shoulder from the loss of focus. There was a small jolt from Ren at the movement, and Martyn’s face seared in embarrassment as he rose his hand back up to steady himself and pushed the hair out of the way again, hunching his shoulders to continue as if nothing had occurred. Does he know how he haunts me? How his pleading eyes stray in my mind? Does he know that by severing his head, a portion of my heart was severed too? The heart didn’t even go to him; it was lost to that empty, despairing feeling I felt watching him collapse.
Just because he requested me to behead him doesn’t mean it makes it hurt less. I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same again. Yet we have to move on. The obedient Hand always working by the king’s side. Loyal to the end. No questions asked.
I tire of just being the Hand, though. A real Hand wouldn’t be this affected by killing his liege. A real Hand wouldn’t think twice and would serve his king blindly without any protest or fault.
A real Hand wouldn’t have fallen for the man that showed him kindness and that smiled at him still the same way even before his death to their own hands.
“You’re oddly vacant,” Ren finally observed out loud, making Martyn jump while he was dipping the rag back into the bowl. His hand snatched the bowl before it could topple over, blinking into the shining blue eyes still lined with worry when Ren tilted his head to study Martyn. “What ails you, lass?”
Martyn stared at him for a long moment, watching the flames in the distance swirl and graze the king’s face as he leaned towards the blonde. Martyn’s jaw was still kept tight, trying to decipher any sort of meaning behind Ren’s eyes before lowering his own, focusing on his hands dripping from the bowl to deflect, “Nothing, liege. Just thinking.”
Ren let out a small hum of bemusement, his knuckle curling to nudge Martyn’s as he mused again, “Much too late in the eve for that. Rest your mind, Hand. Our jubilant reign starts at dawn. We must be our best for the kingdom we will create.”
Martyn squeezed the rag he had again, more of the anger seeping through into it as his mind chastised furiously, Can you please not talk to me like I’m one of your men? For one second? Please? Can you talk to me how you did before, when all of this was just a glance into the future and it was just us? At the beginning of everything, at the beginning before it all felt as if it was going to fall apart at any second.
Can it be just us again? Just for a moment?
Ren’s expression dropped at the lack of Martyn’s reciprocation, and his hand finally reached out to rest over Martyn’s where it was lying in the bowl with the rag. It was a roughened hand, cut up by many miniscule scars and still chipping away with drying blood, but it was recognizable over Martyn’s as Ren murmured softly, “You’re very troubled. I know the events that have just occurred must be harrowing, but I assure you there is no fault between us. I trust you indubitably. Heart and soul.”
Who even says indubitably? Martyn seethed again, but his hand was casted out as an anchor as he watched Ren’s thumb rub gently on top of Martyn’s knuckles now, smoothing out the aches and scrubbing away the small flecks of blood still left on them. He let out a thin sigh and closed his eyes, turning his head away as he did his best to keep a hold of the reins of restraint. Don’t give in. Just move along. I can’t let him know. I can’t.
“I’ll be fine,” Martyn did his best to dismiss again, his usual stubbornness fickle while he wrung out the cloth before taking his hand away from Ren’s grasp and moving up the bed again away from Ren’s questioning eyes. He touched the cloth to the back of Ren’s neck again, the wolf man twitching while Martyn’s words came out flinted, “Need not worry, my King.”
There was a lingering pause for a moment after Martyn’s statement, focusing on the task at hand and willing the conversation to die. But there was a shift of movement as Ren suddenly turned to Martyn, now having his side face him as his hand reached up to snag Martyn’s wrist more earnestly. The tightened grip was a promise, no chance of letting go now as his eyes pinned Martyn down with more of a serious light behind them. Martyn flinched from the movement, body tensing instinctively into fight mode with a glower in his eyes.
But the eyes across from him were far from threatening, shadowed as they gazed at him. And finally, when the flickers of light swamped over Ren’s face again to drench over his sincerity and genuine worry did he finally whisper a single word like a spell, “Martyn.”
Martyn folded for a moment, his body twitching in reaction from the hushed word and intimate touch. He stiffened at the look in Ren’s eyes, something so soft and gentle he almost recoiled at. There was an allure behind his gaze, something sweeping him in from the moment they had joined together with the sharp blue reminding him of the lapis they used for their business. Enchanting, as cliche as it was. His gaze is enchanting. Makes it all the more dangerous.
When the next few moments passed and Ren finally arched an eye again at him, Martyn blinked once more to steady himself when he realized his silence. Then he finally let out another thin sigh, squinting at him before looking away with a tense jaw as his heart careened around for a moment. I can't hide it from him. My heart could never live with that.
And so Martyn finally relented, his first request spoke out through teeth still kneading together as he requested thinly, “If you want me to open up, can you please stop talking to me like a king addressing his subjects? I don’t want to be speaking to the king. I want Ren.”
Ren’s expression shifted to one of surprise for a brief moment, but it seemed to almost wash away with relief as he relaxed again, leaning closer to Martyn as he acknowledged with a small smile and his words slipping into the normal speech pattern from before the crown’s bewitchment, “Oh, good. I think that’s what I’d prefer right now anyways.”
Ren’s expression sombered up again, ducking his head to meet Martyn’s eyes with another different hint of softness. One that Martyn felt as if he hadn’t seen in ages, the softness of when Ren first sought him out outside the walls as the friend across from him whispered, “Ren’s here. Talk to me.”
Martyn eased at last for the first time that night, still searching his face to see if there was any inclination that the ruler would return. But all he saw was ears pinned back with a worried expression having the same smooth lines along his face from times before, the soft rapping of rain and thunder growling pairing the two with an enclosed space. Martyn took a moment to just search his eyes, search his face and find every familiar indent that he could see.
From when I first fell in love. And to remember for whenever I lose him. Martyn swallowed the small stone lodged into his throat, finally able to speak his grievances out loud but still in a voice wracked with grief, “Did I not scare you, Ren?”
Ren tilted his head, ears flicking up to listen now but still having questions in his concerned gaze. Martyn swallowed again, allowing himself to scoot close enough to him that their knees gently grazed each other’s as the stream finally started to pour, “The blood, the yelling, the feeling of the ax and the scar now lining your neck and the person who caused it sitting right beside you… Does it not scare you? Do I not scare you?”
Martyn looked away from him now, moving the cloth back into the bowl but letting Ren’s fingers stay loosely wrapped around his wrist as his words started to fumble, “Those moments, Ren… Gods, Ren, I was terrified. You gave me so much power. You let me kill you as a test of faith. And yet you expect things to just move on without it burdening me because it was mainly a test of my loyalty to you. Because I’m the Hand; I’m expected to obey you no matter what the cost. And while I will do so without hesitation, I can’t-“
Martyn’s voice broke off, but he ducked his head and shut his eyes tightly as his pained whisper came from scarred lips, “I can’t close my eyes now without seeing you surrounded by blood and it staining my own hands. I can't move forward just expecting everything to move on as it was. Because I didn’t just kill my king then. I killed my friend. I killed my-“
He stopped himself from going too far, his ears starting to burn from Ren’s scrutiny and the outpouring of emotions he finally let loose. He let out a dull cough, opening his eyes again but keeping them down on his hands as he croaked, “I don’t want to just move on from that, Ren. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. I don’t want to act like things are okay when they aren’t. Not without at least acknowledging that this stupid axe thing is messing me up right now.”
There was a prickling sensation by his eyes, and Martyn raised his free hand to press at them fervently to make sure no tears fell as he hissed softly at himself. But the noise was cut off as another hand reached forward, slipping fingers into his grasp to tug his hand away from his face. Martyn’s eyes flicked to Ren’s immediately, who was giving him an unreadable look as he pressed Martyn’s hand to his own cheek where he felt the bristle of his beard. Ren’s other hand snaked away from his wrist back up to Martyn’s other hand, squeezing it and holding it now in his grasp.
Martyn felt himself choke from the spurt of beats his heart messed around with, Ren’s eyes drifting close for a moment as he cupped Martyn’s hand between his own. And even though his eyes were still closed, Ren spoke just one word that still carried all of the softness and love in the world, “Martyn.”
Martyn felt a shiver embed itself into his spine, making him shudder at the echo of his name. Another jolt shot up when Ren pulled his cheek away from his grasp only to turn his head and plant a gentle kiss in Martyn’s scarred palm. His lips were soft despite the many scratches littering his mouth and face, his eyes slowly creaking open to see the furious burning cheeks across from him and the disbelieving expression on Martyn’s face. Martyn’s heart careened around again, and he could feel it batter around in a flurry of beats as his brain fizzed out. There’s no hope for me. Not when he looks at me like I’ve always had the crown instead. Not when he looks at me like he did eons ago, when this all first began. Not when he looks at me like that.
Ren gave him a weakened smile as he did so, his voice thick with sincerity and care, “I’m sorry I scared you, Martyn. I really am.” He traced the creases and lines in Martyn’s palm, the smile dissipating for a moment as a shadow haunted his eyes. “I won’t lie, I was terrified kneeling in front of you like that. Everything exposed, the risk of someone sneaking in or the stakes of this world taking over and losing everything I had to your hands. It terrified me too.”
Martyn didn’t dare to speak, his breaths quick and stuttering as his heart tried to keep up with the pace. Ren looked back up, expression softening once again as his hands squeezed Martyn’s and brushed their scarred skin together. “But you and I both knew that was the purpose of it. We were supposed to be scared. I believe us being scared means that we trusted each other. That we care for each other, don’t we? If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be scared. We wouldn’t be here; I would probably be completely dead if it wasn’t you. Do you see what I mean?”
“Yeah,” Martyn breathed quietly, because there was a part of him that did understand. Backwards psychology, but I do understand. I wish it didn’t occur that way still, but I suppose I do get it…
Ren was watching him a bit closer now, hidden in the shadows for a moment as more thunder crackled above them. But when he leaned forward into the light, the flames lit up the understanding in his face as he scooped both of Martyn’s hands up to his face, his lips pressing against them both. Martyn felt a lurch in his throat, the evident heat crawling down from his ears to his cheeks right under his eyes.
“I entrusted you because I knew that you would hesitate.” Ren closed his eyes as he spoke softly, lips touching Martyn’s fingers as if to let him cradle his words. He stayed hunched with his eyes closed, his muscles glowing under the fainter light shining nearby. “With the others, I know what they could do. They could betray me. They could use me somehow for ransom. But with you? I knew you’d hesitate and follow through. Not just because you’re the Hand, but because of everything else along with it.”
Ren’s eyes opened again, the glowing deep blue matching Martyn’s sky cerulean gaze as he lowered their hands to his barren chest where the roughened scar ran right over his heart. Martyn felt a shivering numbing feeling course through his fingertips, the ripped skin smoothing out the wound under his touch as Ren assured softly, “That’s why I needed you.”
Martyn stared down at Ren’s chest for a moment, everything seemingly flaring up again with the touch as his heart leaped to pound vigorously in his throat. The tips of his fingers could almost feel the booming under him, faint but quickened just as his own pulse was. There was a certain look in his eyes as well; one that Martyn would be a fool to ignore or say he didn’t recognize within his own mess of emotions. He’s just as nervous as me. Would that mean…?
But he wouldn’t, would he? If he did, he wouldn’t really have used me like that, would he? Or maybe that was really the only way. But maybe he doesn’t feel that way. Swallowing down his nerves again and trying to vy back with their usual banter, Martyn tried to joke but pushed it out through a clenched throat, “Seems a bit exploitative.”
Ren let out a weak chuckle, his eyes drooping down to linger over Martyn’s own chest slightly exposed to the air through the small swoop of his collar that made his face heat up again. The eyes moved, looking away now with a pinch of guilt hidden within. “I know. It does seem so.”
Ren let out a sigh, closing his eyes again and bringing Martyn’s hands up to his lips once more. There were small kisses starting to trail Martyn's fingers and knuckles, sneaking into his palms and making everything burn brightly within his own chest as Ren finally apologized softly after he was done, “I really am sorry I scared you, Martyn. It wasn’t right of me, no matter what kind of message I was sending. The fact that it scared you this much means it was never worth it.”
Martyn would have relaxed had Ren’s lips not continued to linger, eyes half-closed as they trailed on his shaking fingers. He almost felt as if he needed to retch to clear his airway; everything was pressing in like a coat of steam from above as he watched the canine man in front of him with nothing but blazing adoration in his heart lit with all of the other spiraling feelings his kisses stirred within.
I know I’ll forgive him. I already have. I always do. He really never meant to harm me. I could never stay mad at him. Not at the King. Not at Ren. Never.
A moment of time passed before Ren’s eyes shifted back up to Martyn’s, much more intimate from the dimmed light in the lantern when their sights met again. “You know I care for you with everything I have. If it came down to it, I would lay down my life for you. You know that, don’t you?”
Martyn was startled out of the small trance he had been in watching his friend, squinting now down at him with no chance at hiding his surprise. What does he mean? That was never the plan. I don’t know what the future holds, but I was not planning a Ren self-sacrifice for me to win.
“Why?” He finally questioned his lord out loud, blinking back at Ren. “You have so many men at your side and resources galore that could ensure you make it at least to the top few. You could win this entire war and the entire universe, Ren.”
Martyn’s shoulders rolled back, eyes straying away to stare out at the looming darkness outside as he added faintly, “I mean, that was my goal as the Hand to you, the King. Protect and serve him to the very end; ensure his victory and let him reign. Right?”
“Well…” Ren was hesitating across from him, enough for Martyn’s heart to swoop around again. It tucked whatever wings it had, ready to plummet down deep into his chest and beyond when Martyn turned to stare at him again.
Don’t deny it, Martyn begged, his eyes intent on the other blue ones staring down at their conjoined fingers with a small frown. Don’t deny it because then we’re both too far gone to come back. Don’t say it.
“Isn’t it?” Martyn pressed further, a small slit in his voice. One almost filled with urgency, a plea that didn’t go entirely unnoticed when Ren tilted his head up to blink at him. For a moment, both of them just stared at the other while they listened to the raindrops tap furiously against the window frames, making the only light beside them tremble from the shaking.
Ren was the first to fold, reverence in his eyes as he let out a sigh and looked away towards the corner of his room where the Dogwarts crown and cape were resting. His voice came out slow, testing the waters while keeping his eyes away, “I suppose, but… That’s not…”
He hesitated again before finally turning his head towards Martyn again, the bewildered stare meeting Martyn’s attempting to stone over and hide his turmoil. Ren shot right through it with a simple gaze, a simple genuine question ringing from his lips, “You’re not just an asset to me, Martyn. Did you… Were you thinking that?”
Martyn stared at him for a moment longer before pulling his hands out of the grasp at last, folding them into his own lap and forcing himself to frown at Ren as he choked out quietly with a hint of bitterness behind it, “Well, when you ask me to kill you because I’m the best soldier and it becomes a more diplomatic matter than anything, I’m not quite sure.”
Ren flinched, an expression of hurt creasing over his face as he finally looked away again in defeat of the conversation. His hands looked listless, worrying at his pants before folding into his own lap with a worried frown. Martyn felt pinches of guilt starting to build up from the uncertain shuffle Ren had across from him, and Martyn kneaded his lip briefly into his teeth before finally caving in and sighing softly.
If he truly does feel bad, if he really feels how I hope he does… He needs to answer one thing then. The one thing from the very start.
And so Martyn sighed again, ducking his head to stir Ren’s eyes back to him as he finally spoke, “Ren, let me ask you this. I need to know something- before this world turns to shit, before we lose ourselves in the battle and before we lose the chance to ever confirm it all.”
His eyes strayed to the Dogwarts banner again, for once feeling bitterness at the flag he usually bore pride in. I don’t want the man from the kingdom that challenges us, that strains our thread. I don’t want a ruler of a thousand gems, I don’t want a king aspiring to rule the whole place. I don’t want him to answer this.
I need my friend. I need the one I gave my heart to at the start of this all, the one that will always have it no matter what through the crown and beyond it. I need him.
Martyn conveyed that with his words, his voice caving slightly as he admonished, “I need Ren to answer this, not the king. I need the Ren I first met to answer this question, to look at me and see the sniveling boy decaying from loneliness that he took in. I need that Ren to answer me. Is he here?”
For a moment, no one in the room moved as the world took a deep breath in anticipation with a rumble of excited thunder outside. But then Ren’s eyes cleared before he nodded slowly, leaning in again as he breathed in a voice heavy with meaning, “He is. He’s always here. He’s always here when you’re around.”
Martyn froze for a moment, his heart squeezing again at the sincerity in Ren’s eyes and the comfort radiating from him, suddenly feeling his heart kick up again as he fell breathless for a moment under his eyes. He blinked to meet them, his brain quietly realizing, This could be the end of it all. I don’t have many doubts that the feelings are shared, but once they’re spoken out loud and acknowledged… It’s over for us.
I can’t go back after this. But I don’t think I want to. I need to know. I need to know if he’s here. If he’ll be here always. Because I’d rather die broken-hearted than die with a waiting heart. And I think Ren would agree with me.
And so Martyn finally pushed forward, chancing himself to scoot forward again so their knees gently grazed the other and he ducked his head to meet Ren’s eyes. He was close enough now to feel his breath faintly, catching a whiff of ripened fruit as he finally let his words pour out in a gentle murmur, “I beg of you. I need the truth. Did you take that boy in out of pity so long ago? Did you see me wallowing and think you could build me up into some sort of weapon, then? Someone to remain dastardly loyal to you because of you saving him? Was I just a dramatic story for you?”
Whatever the target was expecting from across Martyn, it clearly was not the words spoken. Ren recoiled back for a moment as if struck, eyes widening as he immediately deflected, “No. Martyn, no. You were never. I never, never intended that.”
“Yet you still made me kill you.” Martyn’s breath was hushed still, following Ren along as the wild man leaned back once more, hands flaying out behind him to steady himself. His eyes widened when they met Martyn’s again with a flash of panic hidden within as Martyn’s voice continued to carry on. “You made me the Hand, the most loyal soldier because I’ve been there since the start. Seems only logical that the boy hand-plucked and tucked under your wing at the start would be the perfect victim.”
Ren blinked rapidly under Martyn’s scrutiny, not pulling away but trembling where he sat as his voice hitched with mild panic, “Martyn-“
“I need to know, Ren.” Martyn didn’t give him a chance to breathe, his hand finally reaching out to snatch Ren’s wrist and squeezing it tightly. The man flinched from surprise, eyes still widened as Martyn didn’t relent with his eyes bearing down on the usual stoic man. All of his heart came out now, every ounce of blood and pent-up emotion stored away pouring down right into Ren’s clenched hands. “What was it all for? Not just the murder I caused out of politics and trust and all that bullshit you claim of. I need to know why it’s all me. Why did you decide to subject the person you apparently care for the most to do the most heinous task? Why did you toss in the person that would hurt the most from this decision?”
The last of his resolve caved with all of the walls crumbling down as Martyn’s voice pitched, twisting Ren’s wrist in his grasp as he scathed painfully, “Why, out of all people, did you choose the person that loves you too much for his own damn good?”
Ren froze, eyes widening with the realization just before Martyn was hit with the icy wave of shock as he registered his own words. He freed Ren’s wrist immediately, the bowl slid to the floor and splashing a quarter of its contents onto the wood before Martyn jerked himself away, turning away towards the end of the bed. He folded his legs up in front of him, curling his arms around to hold them close as he stared down at the loose splatters decorating their floor with a tightened jaw.
Shit. That wasn’t- I didn’t- That wasn’t a good moment to let it out. Martyn pressed a palm to his face, not seeing any sort of movement from Ren off to his right as he slammed his eyes shut to press back the horrid stinging at the corners of them and try to keep whatever hold he had on his breathing. I knew it was going to come out eventually. Yet my heart is still hurting my chest with how frantic it is.
“Martyn…” Ren’s voice finally came through, a gentle shock behind it that sent a faint shiver through Martyn’s spine. There was a hand reaching for him out of the corner of his eyes, small wisps of shadow carrying a familiar warmth with fingertips gently brushing his arm.
But Martyn flinched away from the touch, bitterness from his vulnerability batting it away as he wiped his face again, his breaths rattling once more from his chest as he finally met the man’s eyes again. They were still round with shock, but still carried the same waves of care and concern within as Martyn rasped, “Ren… I need to know. Please. For everything I’ve just gone through. For everything beyond. I need to know, because I know my body will taint this soil sooner rather than later. I know our time is limited. And I- I need to know.”
Ren searched his face, daring to scoot himself up close to Martyn but still leaving some space for both of them still to breathe. Martyn let him, and for another moment they sat in the silence to stare at each other without any sort of response. A room once filled with their usual banter and laughter was now thickening with air that was barely breathable, thickening with a tension they both knew would change the direction of the path they were walking together. Of a relationship we want so desperately, yet may kill ourselves over pursuing it.
“Do you?”
Martyn was startled by the sudden words breaking through the barrier crafted between them, blinking to focus back on the face that was more solemn and hidden in front of him. It was peering at him closely, something swimming beyond his eyes that Martyn couldn’t recognize as he asked quietly, “What?”
Ren didn’t seem to relent in his stare, but there was another fraction of an inch that he dared closer to Martyn. The gap between them was slowly getting thinner, the first steps of theirs onto the path they saw in the distance finally taken. “Do you really want to know, Martyn?”
Martyn felt a small shudder from him saying his name again, slowly unfurling his legs so they curled underneath him now to rest against Ren’s knees again. He attempted to poke a breathing hole in the plume of tension between them, trying to fit some of his usual exasperation into his words as he told him, “If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked. Talk to me. Tell me.”
Ren seemed to hesitate for a moment when meeting his eyes again, dropping them down to the hands that Martyn splayed out to steady himself. Fingertips were slowly crawling towards Martyn’s; another bridge building its way to start the journey beyond. There was an unusual hint of timid uncertainty now in a small voice not fit for the broad man as he whispered, “If I do, I fear what you might hear. I fear what you- What you’ll realize you’ve done to me.”
Martyn twitched with his words, a small frown on his face as he curled his fingertips in slightly to stutter the growth between them out of his own uncertainty. “What do you mean?”
Ren seemed to hesitate again, his eyes lingering on the fingers pulling away. His hands twitched, as if wanting to reach but didn’t dare. Still, Ren made another inch close enough to catch a whiff of his breath as he murmured again with his eyes fastened low, “There is just… It’s a lot, Martyn. And I don’t want to scare you more than I already have.”
Martyn paused for a moment, studying the hunched canine almost trembling before him. He knew that the king could be vulnerable, and he knew that he was the only one that got to see it. Still, in this position, Martyn wanted nothing more than to hold him away from the world. From this cruel world we’ve been thrown into and fell so foolishly for each other. The biggest blessing and the ripest curse.
Martyn swallowed down the anxious rumbles he was feeling in his own chest, took a deep but stuttering breath before he finally leaned forward, his hand coming to rest on Ren’s cheek. The man startled, eyes flicking upward rapidly with mild surprise, but the glow and ease was quick to swallow over as his body visibly relaxed, no lines of tension noted in his bare upper frame.
Martyn kept his eyes focused on Ren’s, on the gems that would always be his as he murmured softly, “You won’t scare me anymore. I'm not going anywhere. You could never do anything to chase me away.”
Ren’s hand trembled as it hesitantly started reaching up for his resting on his cheek, tracing the back of his hand with his nails before finally twining their fingers together. Martyn could’ve sworn he saw a dampness behind his eyes, meeting Martyn’s with a desperation and hope matching his own. “Are you sure?”
I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. Martyn forced himself to keep a stable nod, his heart thumping as he agreed softly, “Absolutely.”
Ren continued to study him for another moment, both of them scooting in again to the point that they were almost pressed against each other. Their legs had maneuvered to touching now completely, folded up underneath but pressing with no shame against the other. The hand on Ren’s cheek stayed, and Martyn felt Ren reaching to grab the other hand as extra support.
Martyn let him without any hesitation, waiting as Ren closed his eyes and leaned into Martyn’s touch again for a moment before nodding, breathing out, “Martyn, you…”
A lapse in his breathing, a brief hesitation as their eyes met with faces only inches apart. The last moment to turn away; to deny it all and move onto a life with less difficulty and less pain. At least in the long run, Martyn could admit.
But there was no regret lining either of their eyes, Ren’s finally opening again to meet his straight on as they were filled with clarity and a feeling so profound Martyn was breathless just looking into them. Ren’s free hand previously reaching for his now reached to grasp Martyn’s face, making his own gasps shudder before relaxing into the touch; the one he yearned for and the one that felt all too familiar and stinging to be true.
Ren was clear with his motive, and there was no going back as he finally declared in a whisper of breath while looking directly into Martyn’s eyes, “Martyn, you’re everything to me.”
Even though the words were along the tone of what he was expecting, Martyn still couldn’t repress the brief shudder that coursed through his back and caused a whiplash of him falling breathless, only able to utter a single word in the moment, “What?”
Ren’s eyes were fixed on him intently, scooting in to try and pinch down the remainder of space between them. Martyn could feel the heat radiating from Ren’s bare body, see the pulsing of his chest from how quickly his heart was racing and the throbs in his throat before meeting his stunning eyes once more. “Martyn, if you ever once thought I ever acted in pity or if you ever thought I was never genuine with my admiration towards you, I need you to look into my eyes and say it. Say that with everything you’ve got. Because if you do, then we can just move on from this like nothing happened. We don’t have to make each other suffer through this anymore, and we can part our separate ways for the night.”
Martyn froze into shock again, blinking quickly to try and regain his bearings. His entire system was rewired by confusion, attempting to study Ren and pick apart what he was saying with the little thoughts he felt he had remaining. But Ren’s gaze didn’t falter, staying connected the entire way through as he uttered, “Do it. Say it, then.”
Martyn’s thundering heart was much louder over the rain and nature’s heartbeat beyond, all of the blood pooling in his ears as the thumping grew louder. He almost couldn’t grasp onto his words, doing his best to wrangle them out as he rasped, “I don’t… I don’t want to. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to do anything until I know.”
“Tell me, then.” Ren leaned closer, and Martyn let out a stuttered breath in surprise when Ren’s lips lingered by his. His eyes were the only thing Martyn could see, and it was a sight he would never tire of even when the tension from the room seemed to spill into them and his voice when he spoke. “Tell me you want to hear it.”
Martyn’s hand had fallen from his face, and he could feel the free hand the man had across from him now gently trail up his thigh, resting there. All of the touches were now made aware from the shock fire of heat coming from their contact, blistering his skin where they touched. It was too hot, too thick, too heavy to almost breathe.
Yet Martyn didn’t flee. He was never going to flee from him, almost intoxicated in his own stupor. His voice came out in a faint plea, still trembling from all of the energy in the room as he pleaded quietly, “I want to. I want to hear it. Please, my liege.”
Ren pulled back slightly with a small frown, blinking in brief confusion before shaking his head. The hand cupping Martyn’s cheek trailed down to his chin, Ren’s thumb grazing the small stubble there as he spoke quietly, “No. Not as your liege. Not as your king. None of that. These feelings were never just when I was king. If you want to hear it, address me how I want you to. And how you want to address me. Say my name, Martyn.”
Martyn feared he couldn’t for a few moments, still trying to remember how to inhale. But he was able to for just a brief moment, catching the air that was dangling in front of him just to let him finally whisper heavily, “Please, Ren.”
Ren’s eyes finally shone with light, the indication that they were both in for it and walking the path. So he leaned forward again, nose gently brushing the blonde’s as he finally said to him in an oath and a promise, “Martyn, you are everything to me.”
Then there was a feather-light touch on Martyn’s cheek, Ren’s fingers moving out of the way to make room for his lips. It was a spot nestled right near his nose, under his eye but still as his cheek where warmth blossomed and spiraled out from there to the rest of Martyn’s body. A shuddering sigh left him; one that spent the last few months waiting to come out and was filled with a relief and yearning so thick it was building the pressure in his chest.
Now it was unclenched, Martyn’s eyes closing in bliss while he let Ren’s words and lips press into his skin, decorating his neck delicately and teasing the fold of the collar from the shirt he still had on. His words were not rushed, layered out evenly as if they had been crafted before and were now just put on display. “You are the beginning and the end of this universe for me. I knew from the moment you swore loyalty, from you staying by my side as we built this empire, I knew. I knew you would be everything.”
There was a small pause, Martyn cracking his eyes open to get strands of hair fluttering over his face when Ren’s lips paused over his jugular pulse. It throbbed painfully under him, feeling the tender kiss less than an inch away as Ren admitted, “And that did scare me; that was when I was scared of you because I knew I would do anything for you. I knew I was risking it all as I chose to give my life up for you at any given time. But I knew I would never regret it for a second. And I still don’t. Not for a single second.”
The kiss was finally planted on the throbbing pale blue skin, and Martyn let out the shaking breath he was holding in when Ren moved up again, moving along his jaw and behind his ear as his words continued to spill right by his ear in a deep bass that shook Martyn all the way down to the blunted bottom of his spine. “I knew this was dangerous. I knew falling for you would be the end of me. But it would really only be the beginning of it all- the beginning of loving you in every universe after this.”
“Ren…” Martyn breathed, but his brain was entirely smushed away into a lack of coherency. All of his body was alight, his brain doing its best to take in all of the information from the touches that there was no room for thoughts. There wasn’t anything substantial to say, only a deep relief that rocked Martyn down to his core and a silent pleading for more.
Ren knew this plea and sensed it somehow, Martyn letting out a faint gasp when he felt more fervent kisses starting to pepper his neck again. As the soldier keeled with a small noise, Ren’s words continued to float in the air. “I don’t just love you enough for this world, Martyn. My love for you will stretch into every world beyond, where we may even be enemies at each other’s throats.”
After that sentence, Martyn almost choked as Ren’s lips snuck right under to kiss at the tip of his trachea. When he stuttered, Ren finally pulled back to meet his eyes for the first time. There was a small smile trilling his lips, small beads of moisture evident on them as a mischievously pleased look tainted his mouth.
Still, the softness in his eyes matched the genuine adoration in his words as he leaned close to Martyn’s face again, murmuring with all the certainty in the world, “I may not remember you in those universes, but I will know somewhere within my heart and soul that I love you. I couldn’t be more sure of anything.”
Martyn’s eyes felt heavy, staring at the lips that were making his skin bloom. His chin tilted up slightly, yearning for the touch as he whispered thickly, “Ren-“
But Ren seemed intent on not letting go on the hold he had, leaning back with another wink in his eyes before his hands gathered Martyn’s up again. His lips made their way through his arms now, dabbling his biceps and creasing up to his wrists where the kisses were delicate but insistent. “I love you enough that whatever gods are watching above will plead for me to relent. To pray to them the same way I worship you.”
He kissed Martyn’s knuckles before turning to kiss his palms, Martyn folding again at the familiar but sweeping touch. Even though Ren found his kisses there often, Martyn knew he would never recover from the weakness spell it sent through him every time.
Ren’s eyes twinkled at the expression on his face, bundling up his hands and tucking them into Martyn’s lap before sliding one of his own to Martyn’s side, a long and heavy shudder running through when the nails slid under his shirt to trail over his ribs. The other hand came up to gently cup Martyn’s cheek again, thumb dangling down to brush over his neck.
Ren’s lips came forward again to go for his neck, another small noise leaving Martyn’s mouth as Ren whispered with much more certainty and desire than before, “I will love you enough that the gods will need to come down themselves to wipe your name from my lips. And even then, it won't ever be enough. Nothing this universe or anyone could do will ever be enough.”
The heat coursing over him was almost overwhelming, burning up every nerve fiber he had as his hands shuddered to fasten into the thickened bed sheet under them as he choked out, “God, Ren…”
Ren finally pulled away, his hand peeling away from his ribs but keeping his face cupped so some of the heat was allowed to fizz away into the room beyond. His eyes were only barely noticeable, the flickering candle within the lantern their own saving grace to see the true fire within their eyes. Ren’s look was intense, staring Martyn down with a glow behind them. “Do you believe me, Martyn?”
Martyn took the freeing moment to try and contain himself, half-lidded eyes now sprung open to meet him again. His hands were shaking too much to move as much as he wanted to reach out and graze over Ren himself, saving enough strength for one of them to come up and drape lazily over one of Ren’s arms as his voice came out hushed and timid, “Can I? I… I’m almost scared to. But if I say I do, then you must know how I feel then, too. Don’t you?”
Ren considered his words before nodding with a faint smile, scooting in again to keep them near each other. Martyn didn’t protest with it, the natural safe feeling he had from his proximity in full effect as he relaxed again and listened to his words, “I would. But even if you didn’t believe me, I think I knew how you felt. I saw it in your eyes and your tense shoulders coming into the house. I wanted to soothe your aches so badly, but I knew… I knew I couldn’t rush it.”
Ren seemed to pull away for a second, eyes flickering with guilt as they strayed away back towards their knees pressed up against each other’s. “I understood that you were still a bit hesitant to talk to me about things because of how you were feeling. I understand, Martyn. I really do.”
Martyn gave him a small nod, knowing he didn’t have to say anymore about it and knowing he wouldn’t have the breath for it. Ren let out a slow breath, catching his own respirations to dial them in before leaning into Martyn again, their faces pressing together as Ren’s eyes closed. When Martyn followed a second later, he felt Ren’s arms around him in a loose hug and a loving promise slipping away from his mouth as he promised the lover beside him, “Know, Martyn, that I will always be here. That I will love you unconditionally. That no matter what happens, your hands of death will be nothing but life’s blessing itself to me. You are my savior.”
His arms unraveled to bundle Martyn’s up again, taking them in to start kissing each individual finger with his words. Martyn’s chance to breathe was taken once again, and there was no chance of getting it back as Ren’s kisses continued with the promises in between. “You are the light, the moon, the sun, and the stars for me. You are my world, Martyn. My everything. And I hope you’ll always know that.”
“God,” Martyn whispered fervently, shuddering again from the gentle marks on his wrist. Such care was given to them, all of the heat built up now throbbing in his chest and in his lips with a conjoined pulse. “Ren, I…”
“You don’t have to say anything,” Ren cut him off with a faint chuckle, seeing the winded and dazed expression on the knight. “You don’t, really. I think I know.”
“I…” Even though there was a part of it that was true, the building intensity and yearning was pooling over again. All of it was surging to the surface, and Martyn’s eyes continually flicking to Ren’s lips was not turning in his favor to help dial the searing desire within. “Ren…”
Ren finally paused, lowering his hands to finally let him speak with a small quirk in his eyebrow, a mischievous hint so familiar it made the blonde finally combust with sharp heat all over his ears and face, blotching down his neck. “Martyn?”
The self-awareness, the genuine love poured from each kiss… It was all delicately spread around his body except for one part; the one left open for Martyn to fulfill. The one place Martyn’s eyes lingered to, where Ren had sneakily peeked at but then shy away from at the last moment. With the hesitance in Ren’s eyes still, he knew it was for him to fill.
And gods, was he going to do so.
“Gods, just kiss me.” Martyn finally broke away the rest of the resolve, his hands coming up to grip the thick strands of hair dangling closest to him. Ren let out a faint yelp in surprise, a hint of burning red cheeks caught before Martyn closed his eyes, lingering his lips right over Ren’s as he breathed heavily onto them, “Kiss me, you stupid dog. That’s how I’ll tell you.”
A grin spread over Ren’s mouth, one that Martyn was able to feel as Ren finally accepted it and leaned forward to click together with Martyn’s insistent lips. More fireworks and lanterns were set ablaze in that moment as their lips finally met, Martyn’s hands instantly burrowed up into the thickened mane of Ren’s hair to tug him closer. Their noses bumped together, causing Ren to grin again under Martyn’s mouth as his hands reached for his hips, tugging him in just as eagerly. Martyn was pulled forward by Ren’s grasp, situated on his lap as he curled over him and kissed him enough times to fill up every time before they were too afraid to. Months before, there was a hesitant kindling between them that was self-aware of the events going on fulfilled only by lingering touches and promises of a loyalty beyond the naked eye.
But the two people now didn’t even bat an eye anymore at the dances they toyed around with. One of Ren’s hands had moved all the way up to the center of Martyn’s back, the other still at his hip while Martyn was trailing his fingers all over the hairs along Ren’s face, the taste of ripened strawberries and forest bliss flowing all over his senses to drown him in it forever. All of the reserve and hesitance they had before melted away with the pounding hearts they now shared a beat to.
Only when did they barter with hypoxic territory was when they pulled away, chests heaving from the effort and foreheads still leaning against each other as Ren kept Martyn close, fingers trailing along his spine while Martyn’s wandered his face. Martyn’s eyes fluttered open briefly, still half-glazed as his words stirred Ren’s open across from him when he breathed, “I love you. I do. I really do. You’re my world, Ren. My loyalty starts and ends with you. If I were to burn the rest of this world down to let someone else win, it’ll be you. It’ll all end with you. Always.”
Ren gave him a small grin, both hands trailing down now to hold Martyn against him still in his lap. They were still heaving from exertion, but Ren’s eyes twinkled as he spoke breathlessly, “Glad to see we’re on the same page, then.” Another twinkle in his eyes, followed by a not-so-subtle slide down to his lips. “You might need to kiss me a bit more for me to believe it, though.”
Martyn let out a deep chuckle, leaning close enough for their lips to skim each other’s again. At Ren’s startled stutter from the movement and the closeness, Martyn whispered fervently to him, “Don’t test me, my liege. I’m good at following orders.”
Ren let out a small laugh, a brief but heated kiss shared between them before he pulled away again, breathing onto Martyn’s lips now. “You’re trouble for me, Martyn. Real trouble. I’ll need to reprimand you somehow.”
“Will you, now?” Martyn chuckled softly, taking the opportunity to duck down and press a chaste kiss now against Ren’s skin. “I’d love to see you try to pry yourself away from me after declaring your love for me.”
There was a shudder underneath him just as intense as his followed by a gasp that tried to stay quiet, and Martyn let himself smile with the giddiness now spreading over him. Just as helpless as me.
“You’re trouble, Martyn,” Ren breathed again when Martyn started his own process of kisses. Martyn paused only to see the lovingly smitten expression in Ren’s smile, the familiar dopey one that hooked and sank Martyn immediately when they had first met. “Real trouble.”
“Always for you,” Martyn whispered back, both of them sharing a genuine smile for a brief moment. Their hearts were still out of control, thudding and careening together after it all as they finally rejoiced together.
But as Martyn leaned in to kiss Ren again and for the rest of whatever time they had left, their path together that they wanted to follow was finally brandished and openly carved against the universe’s plane. A certain and true carving, one to never be touched no matter what fate tried to do.
It was the king and his Hand in every universe now, always.