Chapter Text
There was a moment when Bucky woke, still half asleep, thinking about Natalia in a dreamlike combination of past and present, when he felt happy in a way that he hadn’t for a long, long time. He felt safe and at peace, reunited with both his best friend and the woman who’d meant more to him than any other, even if she didn’t remember.
Unfortunately, he woke up and started thinking about what he’d actually said and done. He’d let Natalia make him talk—like a rank novice. Like someone who’d never met a spy before.
He sat up and swung his legs off the couch.
Who the hell had he been last night? Other than a guy who didn’t know how to keep his damn lips zipped. He hadn’t been Bucky and he hadn’t been the Winter Soldier, either. He was supposed to be Bucky. He’d been doing damn well at being Bucky. What the hell happened?
Hydra happened. Wanting to kill them happened. Bucky wouldn’t have had such trouble letting them live. He wasn’t really Bucky, no matter how easy it was to pretend.
He stood, resisting an urge to punch a hole in Steve’s living room wall that was so strong his fingers flexed reflexively and tightened onto a metal fist.
He’d let Natasha see him being unstable. Weak. If he couldn’t show her Bucky, it would have been better to show her the Winter Soldier, not whoever the hell he’d been last night, somewhere between the two. Maybe it was a good thing she didn’t remember Natalia.
Gritting his teeth, he rolled his shoulders. Relax. Be normal. Be Bucky.
He went into the kitchen and discovered that Steve had left a full pot on the burner. Coffee was good. Coffee was normal. Taking a mug out of the cupboard, he poured himself a cup and sat at the table, trying to make himself relax.
He’d spilled his damn guts about how he felt about almost killing Steve. He’d talked far too much. He’d practically told her that he was a super soldier. He’d told her about being captured by Zola, even if he hadn’t said what those experiments were. He’d told her about the fall from the train and living through that. He’d as good as confirmed that he was a super soldier. Goddamn it.
He shouldn’t have said anything, especially about that fall, even if he’d dreamed about way too often since he’d remembered it—even if it was something he had to work not to let spill out.
He took a sip of coffee. It tasted bitter and slightly burnt. He pushed it away.
Natasha was probably still in contact with Fury. What would Fury do if he found out? Lock him up? Experiment on him? If he wasn’t useful, he was expendable in a way that Steve wasn’t.
Fury didn’t mind the Winter Soldier in him. He needed the Winter Soldier, but not one who was unstable. He didn’t know what would happen if Fury thought he was unstable, but he didn’t think it would be good. Nick Fury was as much a part of the shadows as he was. Fury would have no problem trading in an unstable asset for a chance at figuring out how to make his own super soldiers.
Thing is, at the time, he hadn’t actually considered that he was telling Natasha anything she hadn’t already guessed, because he’d been so completely aware that she was also Natalia.He’d been so goddamn happy to be in the same room with her, he’d gotten lost in it. He’d been consumed with finding out if she remembered anything about their past at all, and doing it without letting her know, even when he’d also known that was fucking stupid.
Natalia would have known that he wasn’t exactly the same kind of super soldier that Steve was, that his metabolism didn’t clean itself of toxins as perfectly as Steve’s did, and if he drank enough, fast enough, and kept on drinking, he could feel it for a while, in a way that Steve couldn’t.
Natasha didn’t remember that, which meant that when she’d offered him liquor, it meant that she didn’t know, and why would she? The arm and training could explain most of what he did, and whenever she’d been around him, she’d been kinda busy keeping him from damn well killing her.
He’d spent most of the evening talking to Natalia, when he was really talking to Natasha the whole time.
Idiot!
He’d have to be very careful from now on. Very ‘Bucky.’
It was getting complicated. If he started being not Bucky and not the Winter Soldier….
He needed to be very useful. Not expendable.
He’d let himself get too comfortable. He’d been stupid. Now, he’d have to watch, wait, and look for signs that he needed to extract himself, but…goddamn it, he didn’t want to.
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Natasha opened the encrypted message that popped up on her computer. It wasn’t an email, but came through specially installed and recently upgraded software, directly from Fury.
‘I hear that you want to join Barnes on his missions. Bad idea.’
No greeting, but she knew it was Fury. Natasha put down her coffee and typed.
‘He deserves backup and you know it.”
'Only been on one mission since his return. No real evaluation. We know jack shit. Could be a ticking time bomb of crazy. It’s too soon.’
Fury must know that wasn’t true. He was at least as good a judge of character as she was. James clearly had issues, to put it ridiculously mildly, but he was a strong and capable man, and was working through those things in a way that was entirely sane, if unforgiving of himself. So why did Fury want to keep her away from his missions? Why did he want James working alone?
Putting her fingers to the laptop’s small keyboard, she typed, ‘No, it’s exactly the right time. Let me tell you how he works with a partner. His risk is greater than mine. Danger from Hydra is extreme. He was Hydra’s weapon and now you’re treating him like yours.’
Fury’s response appeared quickly. ‘He’s his own weapon. Same thing he was doing alone. Now he gets medical care, maintenance, salary and no mind wipes. I’d say he’s come up in the world.’
She cared about Nick. She was grateful for the opportunities and trust he’d given her, but she also understood exactly what he was in a way that no one else did, except Clint, perhaps.
He was a spy who’d survived long enough not to be a young one, with all the ability to deceive and manipulate that required.
He was a man who always played the long game and used the people around him like pieces on a chess board, even those for whom he had affection. One could care about Nick Fury, but one should never completely trust him, because you never knew when you might turn out to be a pawn.
The game was all, the pieces, secondary, and that was just the way it was. It was the only way it could be, in his view.
An argument could be made that he was right, but accepting that argument wasn’t something she was prepared to do. Once, it wouldn’t have been a problem. Now…no.
‘His situation may have improved, but not enough. I’m doing this.’
‘When did you become so soft hearted?’
‘There’s a difference between soft heartedness and basic decency.’
‘Not in this business.”
He wasn’t wrong, and even as she’d said that, a part of her had laughed at such a conceit, the part that was trained in the Red Room and hadn’t cared about any red in her ledger. Only a fool drew such meaningless distinctions, but it seemed that a part of her wished to be a fool. All her instincts told her that James Barnes was not a pawn and shouldn’t be sacrificed like one, regardless of the reward.
'This time, in this situation, there is.'
She had to wait a full 20 seconds for a response.
'All right. You want to babysit the Winter Soldier, you can babysit the Winter Soldier, but be careful. He’s no Captain America. Might be a Red Skull.’
So Nick knew that James was a super soldier. She’d planned to keep that to herself, but it didn’t surprise her that he knew.
The only thing that surprised her was that it had taken her such a long time to notice. It simply hadn’t occurred to her, since she did so many of the things that he did without being one—and it wasn’t like you came across a super soldier every time you turned a stone.
‘I put that together. He’s closer to Captain America than the Red Skull in most ways.’
‘And how would you know that?’
She knew because she’d seen the depth of James Barnes’ sorrow. She knew because most people found excuses for their behavior, rationalized it, and made themselves the heroes in their sagas.
He rationalized nothing. He allowed himself no excuses, when the ones that were available to him were all too real.
He held himself to the impossible standard that Steve lived by. For Steve, that was as naturally as breathing, but James found himself wanting.
She had to wonder if he’d done the same thing before the Winter Soldier, or if his natural confidence had provided a buffer between what he wished to be and what he was.
‘Just a hunch.’
‘You don’t do hunches. What have you been up to?’
What she’d been doing was finding out everything she could about James Barnes, right down to teacher evaluations written on fragile yellowed paper which dated from his grade school years, and since long before Steve had called her, asking her to speak to his friend.
It was clear that not only had James ‘Bucky’ Barnes been a brave, intelligent and charismatic boy, but that Steve Rogers might not have survived childhood without him.
‘Research. Like you said, I don’t do hunches.’
‘We’ll see. I hope you’re right. but it’s my job to be prepared for anything.’
She knew that ‘prepared’ might, and could, include throwing James Barnes directly under a bus to achieve a ‘larger’ goal.
‘And if he’s what you think he could be, what will you do?’
‘You know the answer to that.’
She did. He would remove James Barnes as a threat to his goals. While Nick Fury might feel personal regret, he wouldn’t hesitate. The only question was how he’d do it, and what measures he’d take to avoid losing Steve’s support forever.
If it came to that, he might even get James to do it himself. James would be painfully easy to manipulate, given how little he seemed to value himself and his lifetime history of protecting Steve.
'Sending him a mission. I’ll let him know that he can ask you for help if he thinks he needs it, but it’s up to him. He has control. Like I said, he’s his own weapon.’
The connection closed.
Nastasha closed the computer, sighing softly.
She feared that Fury, resistant as he was to her going along and engaged in whatever subterfuge he was engaged in, would phase it exactly that way—and James was a proud man.
Please be as intelligent as I think you are, James….
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“Hello.”
The phone was a special one, the one that Fury had given him. It was secure in ways that others were not and he knew who was on the other end of the line.
“You have a mission in Simferopol. There’s a Hydra bunker about 50 miles north. I’m sending you the details. I need everything that’s on the computer there, and you have multiple targets inside. They’ll please you, I think. You can pick up the equipment you’ll need from the drop and have the Black Widow help, if you think you need it.”
‘If you think you need it’, indeed. Only a fool would chose not to work with Natalia when the chance was offered and apparently Fury wished him to be a fool. He had to wonder why. “Я приветствую поддержку Черной Вдовы.”
“You know you’re speaking Russian, right?”
Shit! “Sorry, I welcome the support of the Black Widow.”
Since he was pretty damn sure that Fury could speak Russian, he didn’t think the repeat was necessary, but he’d play along. “Just getting into the right frame of mind for a visit to beautiful Simferopol. It’s gonna be chock full of Russian soldiers. What do you think they know about the Winter Soldier? I have a handy red star on my arm….”
“We know you were with the Soviets for a long time, but we don’t know what the Russians might think your allegiances are now. They won’t know that you’re with us, but we don’t know what their current relationship is with Hydra, either. Use it with care. There’s a good possibility that any ground troops you meet won’t know anything about you at all, but officers might, and the higher up the chain of command you go, the more likely that will be.”
“Understood.”
“We need to keep our distance from this. Once the Quinjet drops you off, they’ll be pulling out. There’ll be cover documents, cash and whatever else you’ll need at the drop site.”
“Weapons?”
“You’ll have to take care of that when you arrive. A contact will be provided in the cover materials.”
He let out an annoyed grunt.
“I’m with you on that, Barnes, but this mission is highly time sensitive. It came from intel that the black Widow brought back less than 24 hours ago, and which gives us a unique opportunity.”
“Goddamn it, Fury. The Black Widow was in Simferopol 24 hours ago and you’re playing fucking games about whether she should be part of this mission?”
“I have my reasons, Barnes. Departure time is in 4 hours, so get a move on.”
Fury ended the connection.
He put the phone down and took another from his pocket, dialing the number that Steve had given him for Natasha.
“Hello?”
“Hi. It’s, uh…James. So, dinner…how do you feel about getting some really, really authentic Ukrainian food? And leaving in 4 hours?”
“I’m glad you asked, James. I adore Ukrainian food.”
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There was a loud knocking on Natasha’s door. “Natasha, its Steve.”
She opened the door. Steve’s hair was disheveled and he had patented Captain America outrage on his face. “Come in, Steve.”
“Fury is sending Bucky to Crimea! Crimea!! Russians—probably old Soviet sympathizers who might even remember him—and another damn Hydra base! What the hell is he thinking, Natasha? Is he trying to get Bucky killed?”
The outrage turned into a deep frown. “I need to talk to him. You have a way to do that, right? I know you must.”
“Steve….”
Steve lowered his chin, his eyebrows arching up. “Natasha. Get. Me. Fury.”
Natasha crossed her arms and lifted an eyebrow, “Hold oh, Captain. Did James tell you that I’m going with him?”
“You are? Oh. I…” Steve dragged his hands down his face. “That was probably what Bucky was trying to tell me as I was leaving. I was kind of…pissed off.”
Natasha’s phone chimed an incoming call. She barely had the phone to her ear when she heard James speak. He sounded distinctly displeased and skipped all pleasantries. “Give Steve the phone. He left his at his apartment.”
“Done, James.” She handed the phone to Steve. The yelling started when it was still going from her hand to his and she could hear everything.
“What the fucking hell, Steve? You know I’m the Winter Soldier, right? What the hell do you think I’ve been doing for the last 72 years, huh? And in more dangerous places than the goddamn Crimea.”
“Bucky—“
“Shut up, because we’re only gonna have this conversation once. I need this, Steve. If I just sit around, I’ll go out of my fucking mind. I’m serious. Out of my goddamn fucking mind. If I chose to take a mission, then that’s MY choice. You got that? Not yours. MINE. Fury’s giving me a chance to do something decent for a change and I don’t have a lot of options here. I’m a damn war criminal. What am I supposed to do, get a job at fucking Woolworth’s?”
“Walmart.”
“What?”
“It’s Walmart now, Buck. You listen for a sec, okay? Fury wouldn’t send anyone else into the Crimea without a whole damn team and probably an extraction unit, especially not to attack a Hydra base that close to the Russian military. It’s just not…. There’s something wrong with this, Bucky, even with Natasha going along. It stinks.”
“I know, Steve.”
“You know?” Steve’s chin dropped and he frowned.
“Of course I know. I’m not an idiot. I knew something was up when he was so iffy about Natasha going, and when I got the mission details, I knew why. If this one goes bad, it’s gonna be like that show we watched on TV the other night—burning tape. Pft! Disavowing and all that. But THAT’S MY JOB. That’s why he needs me.”
“I thought it was your job to be stealthy, freakishly terrifying and shoot people, not go on dicey missions like this. What the hell is going on?”
“How often do you think SHIELD needs an assassination? Or has a hostage situation so bad that they need the damn Winter Soldier to fix it, like that last mission? Not that often, and Fury has other people who can handle that most of that. He needs me to do whatever the hell his other people can’t manage, and I can honestly say that this is a mission that only I can do.”
“Wait, you think Fury assassinates people?”
“Don’t you?”
“I…Jesus, Buck. That’s just not right.”
“Depends on who it is, doesn’t it?”
“NO! It does NOT depend on who it is!”
“We’ll talk about ethics when I get back—and I will come back. I can do this Steve. It’s gonna be ok.”
Steve was silent for a moment, one hand rubbing his forehead, then he said, “Bucky, if something happens…I’m getting you out of there. You know that, right?”
There was a pause, then Natasha heard James say, “Sure, Steve. You bet.”
James did not expect to survive if his mission went went poorly.
“Give the phone to Natasha, would ya, Steve?”
“Bucky…I really don’t like this.”
“I know, but I have my reasons for agreeing to it. You’re gonna have to trust me, okay?”
“I trust you, Buck. Just…be careful.”
Steve handed her the phone, walked to the far side of the room and leaned against the wall, one hand splayed flat against it.
Natasha lifted the phone. “I’m here, James.”
“I don’t want you coming on this mission, Natasha.”
“We all have our disappointments in life, James. This will have to be one of yours.”
“You don’t understand. You really shouldn’t come.”
“I understand entirely. That’s why I’m absolutely coming with you and there is just as absolutely nothing you can do to stop me. I’ll be at the launch pad in 45 minutes. If you aren’t there, I’ll get to Simferopol myself and I’ll be very irritated with you, so don’t even think about trying to be noble and stupid.”
James laughed a surprisingly long time, then said, “I’ll be there.”
As she took the phone from her ear and was about to end the call, she faintly heard, “Я скучал по тебе.”
He missed her? It had only been ten hours since she’d seen him last. Was he being funny? Perhaps it was obscure 1940s humor.
Natasha picked up her bag and looked at Steve. “I think we should have a talk with Nick when James and I return, don’t you, Steve?”
Pushing himself away from the wall, Steve turned to look at her, all granite jaw and steely eyes. Steve was beyond angry. He was incensed.
“Absolutely. And about more than Bucky—although I have a great deal to say to him about Bucky.”