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Buck sat in his car outside Eddie’s house, over thirty six hours after an earthquake and a shift that went over time, wondering if he’d get the chance to kiss Eddie again tonight.
In the late evenings, after the sun had set and the streetlights came on, after the crickets started and the street’s children put to bed, Eddie’s house looked like the warmest place on earth. From where Buck sat in his Jeep, the living room window filtered through the light pouring out, leaving a warm glow that spilled down the stucco house and onto the lawn. He’d been up and down the driveway and in and out the front door a thousand times, and each time, he felt that warm glow, like it was a homecoming and he was being welcomed back. It was strong, unwavering, and he wondered why he never noticed it before.
Buck caught the Jeep door before it slammed shut, locked it, and walked up to the house, trying to see if there was anything different about it this time. There wasn’t. There never was, no matter how many times they died or almost died or almost lost a kid. He’d never lingered on the stoop before, not unless he was waiting for Chris to put his shoes on or for Eddie to double back and grab his phone. A moth fluttered around the lamp above him, going in circles before settling on the ceiling. Buck looked back to the door and unlocked it with the second key on his key ring, opened the door slowly in case Chris was asleep, and walked in fully, properly.
Eddie was set up on the couch inside, foot in a thick bandage covered in Chris’ scribbly signature and propped up on the coffee table. The overhead light was off, and the room looked glowy only lit up with two lamps. Walking closer towards the living room, Buck could see the open package of oreos beside him - plain, because Eddie was a traditionalist at times - and a juice box Buck knew was from Chris’ lunch stash. Eddie was turned to face him, smiling and waiting for him to come closer, like he had been expecting him all evening.
“I, uh, see Chris has you all set up here.”
Eddie beckoned him closer. “Well, he wouldn’t go to bed without knowing I had snacks within reach.”
“He knows what a healing man needs.”
They kept their voices low. Buck looked down the hallway, and saw the door to Chris’ room was shut and dark. Eddie followed his eyes.
“He’s asleep. He wanted to wait up for you, but, well -”
“School night. Good, good, I’ll see him tomorrow.”
Eddie nodded. He was still looking at him, like he knew Buck had something to say, like he knew that he had one more question needing answering. Buck rounded the couch, walking softly on socked feet, and sat down to Eddie’s left, turning to face him. Eddie offered an oreo. Buck took two. Buck did want to say something - he wanted to be sure of something he was pretty sure of - but he needed to know for absolute certain more than he ever needed to know anything in his life.
Eddie spoke first. “How’s Chimney doing?” Chimney had gotten the brunt of the injuries during the earthquake, and had been taken to the hospital with an abdominal injury before Buck and Eddie had even been rescued from where they were trapped under a hunk of concrete. The team had once again spent long hours at the hospital yesterday afternoon, waiting for a team member once again. Eddie didn’t stay long before he took his crutches and went to pick Chris up from school, and Buck had spent several hours grabbing coffees and snacks when he was sent to babysit Jee until Maddie and Chim came home.
“He’s - he’s fine. Maddie brought him back a couple hours ago. He was cracking jokes before he was even settled on the couch.”
Eddie nodded but didn’t speak, like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t. Buck kept talking instead.
“It’ll be work keeping Jee from climbing all over him for the next few days. I tried explaining it to her before they got home, but she’s two, so -”
“She forgot.”
“Oh, immediately.”
There’s another silence that Buck almost filled when Eddie spoke again. “Maddie almost lost her partner yesterday.”
“But she didn’t. She got lucky,” Buck swallowed, glancing at Eddie’s foot and feeling brave for a moment. “And so did I.”
Eddie, who was looking down at his lap, curled the corner of his mouth up a little. “You did.”
Buck settled into the couch a little more after seeing the small smile, slouching down a little and crossing his leg up on the cushion. “We kissed,” he reminded Eddie. “When we were trapped under that concrete. You kissed me.”
Eddie smiled more fully, and then met Buck’s eyes. “I did.”
“It was nice.”
“It… really was,” Eddie huffed. “I wanted to do that for a while. Was beginning to think it would never happen.” Eddie had brought up dying alone off and on for the past couple of weeks, and Buck never knew how to respond. He didn’t know how to breach it, like saying the wrong thing would sound cheap and insincere, and like saying the truth would be overstepping in a way Buck couldn’t dare to do. Like saying the truth for the first time would make things real in a way Buck wasn’t sure he was ready for. But Eddie kissing him -
It felt like the latest in a list of promises that started with you can have my back any day and you love him like I do.
Eddie’s been so patient with him, Buck knows now. He’s been waiting and watching and thinking he’s going to die alone as Buck ran off with a death doula that was all kinds of wrong for him, and still, as Buck watched Eddie silently in the aftermath of his confession, Eddie watched him back. He handed Buck another cookie. He handed him his own juice box. And Buck wanted to care for him just as gently as Eddie has been doing for him.
“How have you been doing? Your leg, it’s -”
Eddie’s voice is calm and understanding when he responds. “I’m fine. Really.”
Buck nodded. His voice was slightly thick - against his will - when he spoke. “I don’t know what I would have done if - if you were hurt worse.” He remembered the crack of the concrete, and the snap of everything falling around them, and then Eddie hissing every time he moved. Buck had wrapped his swelling ankle tightly himself with his shirt, ignoring every time Eddie reassured him it wasn’t broken. He also remembered the way Eddie looked at him, the way he looked him over in turn to make sure he was okay, and how he tiredly watched him as Buck talked about his plans for the next day off. The way he smiled every time Buck mentioned what they planned to do together - he did that every time, didn’t he?
The difference was that this time, Eddie kissed him afterwards.
Eddie was still looking at him gently, like he could hear every thought and memory Buck was thinking. “I know. I don’t want you to go through that again.” He grabbed another cookie for himself and split it in half, looking at it without eating before he spoke again. “A while ago, you, uh, mentioned something about how dying has changed you. Do you think - do you think you’re coming to terms with that?”
Buck cocked his head, unsure where Eddie was going, but took the redirection in conversation. “I think so. It’s like, I was trying to do all this self-improvement, and then I died, and it’s like I didn’t want to keep making that progress. It’s like I wanted death to give me all the answers, and it never did,” He swallowed and paused for a breath. “But - it’s simpler than that, right? I get a second chance at life, so I should just focus on the good, and on spending time with - spending time with my family. With you.” He choked a little on the word family, like Eddie would read so far into it and freeze and tell him to move on before hobbling down the hall into his room alone.
Eddie didn’t get up, but sat there like Buck had opened up the world for him. Buck felt like perhaps he said the right thing. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. I realized that… I’ve been looking really hard for a home, but I already have one. Right?” Some form of that question had been circling Buck’s head for years now, but he could never make his mouth form the words.
“Right.” Eddie was still smiling at him.
“And you and Chris are my family.” Buck couldn’t help himself - he was starting to feel a little giddy, and he needed Eddie to reassure him again.
“And Chris and I are your family. Hell, I gave Chris to you years ago.”
“I realize that now.” Buck said lowly.
Eddie toyed with the hem of his shirt before speaking again, like he was also putting words to thoughts he didn’t know how to say. “And you can have me, too. Whenever you’re ready.” he said, a little wide-eyed.
Eddie had already kissed him, and told him Buck’s his family, and took him out on a poker date, and gave him his son and his home, but hearing him say it unhinged something deep from within Buck’s chest, something he didn’t think was moveable.
“I, uh, I’m ready to have you, now,” He heard it the moment he said it, and thought he must have gone pink when Eddie’s eyebrows rose just the tiniest bit. “Oh, shut up,” he said as Eddie laughed quietly. “Can I- Can I kiss you?”
Eddie’s mouth was slightly open as he nodded, as though he were dumbstruck, which, well. Buck could understand. He reached out for Eddie’s neck, drew him a little closer, and kissed him, right there on Eddie’s couch. Eddie didn’t hesitate, drawing Buck in by the waist and pulling him back in, again and again, when they pulled apart for air. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he registered that this felt right, it felt an awful lot like walking into the glow of the Diaz house all over again, like sitting down on the couch beside Eddie, like cooking for his family, like giggling quietly over a movie because Chris is asleep and it’s a school night.
Eddie didn’t speak again until his lips had trailed up and down Buck’s jaw. “Will you stay over?”
“Yeah - mm - yeah, I’d love to.”
Eddie pulled away from Buck’s neck, looking really bright and happy and mussed. Buck thought it might be the cutest thing he’d ever seen, and he’d been to the zoo recently. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”
Buck took Eddie by the hand and helped him stand up from the couch before turning off the living room lamps. He let Eddie circle his arm around Buck’s waist and lean against him to walk down the hallway, slowly but moving forward. They left the hallway light on, just in case.